Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work and Christmas with in-laws

114 replies

disawal · 23/12/2021 02:57

Hello,
I’m conflicted about work and my incoming holidays at my in-laws.

I’ve been looking for a job for a while now, I have been struggling financially as a consequence. Two days ago, I finally managed to get a project (I’m a freelancer and my
jobs are mostly project based). It’s full-time and it’s quite a big project so I don’t finish my day of work until late in the evening, but it will pay my bills and give me a bit of spare money to spend.

The problem is the deadline is in three weeks and I have to update my client with the process every three days.

I was scheduled to spend the 24th to the 28th at my husbands grandparents house with his parents and siblings. After which his parents and siblings will come down to stay with us for a few days.

I don’t have a laptop and my setup is my desktop. I can therefore not work remotely.

My husband still expects me to join them, I know it would disappoint him a lot if I didn’t come and he would be really pissed at me but I don’t know if I can afford four days off, I’m scared I wouldn’t cut it and wouldn’t be able to finish the job on time.
My sil isn’t coming either because of work but her husband is okay with that and she had given them notice beforehand.
I feel guilty but I just got the opportunity so I couldn’t have noticed them any earlier.

What should I do?

Go and figure out what to do with work when I come back?
Or stay back and work on my project?

Thank you

OP posts:
likeasloth · 23/12/2021 03:07

Stay back and finish your job. May I ask if you don't mind that why are you the only one struggling financially in a married life?

Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 03:10

I study too so it’s hard for me to find the time and money sometimes and my husband likes to save his money

OP posts:
Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 03:12

Sorry i didn’t word that properly, he does contribute, he pays his part of the bills, I just find it hard to pay mine
And he likes to keep his spare money out of the joint account

OP posts:
Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 03:31

I know it sounds very stupid but today I was even more motivated to make money and the thought of struggling again for this month scares me.

We went on a date to the city centre where we went winter clothes shopping for him.

I need a beanie, a scarf and gloves but I’m broke so I couldn’t afford anything.
(He did offer to lend me money but I wasn’t sure I would be able to pay him back anytime soon so I declined.)

He also changed his mind about offering to eat out for dinner and I couldn’t offer to pay so we went back home and my first thought was that I really needed money lol. I’m 25 and still being broke makes me feel like an absolute loser

OP posts:
TillyTopper · 23/12/2021 03:33

Wow OP! I find your husband's attitude to money startling - especially as he still expects you to join him! Honestly stay and finish your work. He's not being supportive so why wouldn't you stay and finish it and earn money? It's not like he's helping you out is he?

Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 03:34

But he does pay more in bills to be fair

OP posts:
GiveOverIrene · 23/12/2021 03:43

Stay home and work on your project. You can't live on nothing and your "d" h obviously doesn't expect to help his wife out during lean times. Strange kind of marriage.

Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 03:43

Thank you, I will let him know tomorrow morning.
You are all right, I will stay home and work

OP posts:
Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 03:47

This is the second date where all we do is go shopping for him, the last date we went winter shopping for him again and I was hungry so I offered to pay for food. (He wanted a coffee so I tried to pay for that too but was like 1 pound short so he said I could use the joint account instead of offering to pay himself)

It really upsets me but it also fuelled my motivation to make money for myself

He said he wanted me to be a housewife eventually and for him to take charge of all the expenses. But seeing what he’s doing now that’s an absolute no-no lol

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 23/12/2021 03:56

Goodness, my DH would never begrudge paying for my dinner if I was broke and he'd happily buy me gloves, etc. if I needed them.

MintJulia · 23/12/2021 04:03

Op, firstly stay home and put your work first. You won't enjoy Christmas if you are worrying so it is pointless going.
And second, consider seriously whether you want to stay in your marriage. Your dh sounds penny pinching and as if he is trying to manoeuvre you into a life of domestic drudgery.
Whereas you sound independent and generous. Don't let yourself be used xx

pansypotter123 · 23/12/2021 04:04

So you go on "dates" to buy things for him?

When do you go on "dates" to buy things for you?

Do you ever go on proper romantic "dates"?

How long have you been married, how old is he? What's his job/income? What is your housing situation? Do you have/are you planning children? Did you know he was like this with money behind you got married?

Nogardenersworld · 23/12/2021 04:09

Your husband might loan you money?
How kind of him Hmm

If he wants you to be a ‘team’ and do things together and a team who pay jointly for things he wants like his coffee then you can be a team financially and he can cover more bills so you can buy warm clothes and not work over Christmas

If he doesn’t want that, then you have to work over Christmas. They’re his choices.

Is he by chance making life hard for you so you’ll give up work and he can ‘save’ you by making you housewife that he pays for?
Absolutely do not do this. Also figure out how he sees this money situation going if you have kids.

This sounds like you’ve been on a few dates, not like you’re married.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 23/12/2021 04:21

I just can't get past you needing gloves and a hat in winter. If you ever have children with this tightarsed man I would imagine it would be very difficult. Please don't become financially reliant on him. He doesn't really understand about working as a team, from what you've said. I've bought gloves for strangers before now in winter, I just can't imagine how your partner thinks that's kind Hmm

Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 04:33

@Nogardenersworld

Your husband might loan you money? How kind of him Hmm

If he wants you to be a ‘team’ and do things together and a team who pay jointly for things he wants like his coffee then you can be a team financially and he can cover more bills so you can buy warm clothes and not work over Christmas

If he doesn’t want that, then you have to work over Christmas. They’re his choices.

Is he by chance making life hard for you so you’ll give up work and he can ‘save’ you by making you housewife that he pays for?
Absolutely do not do this. Also figure out how he sees this money situation going if you have kids.

This sounds like you’ve been on a few dates, not like you’re married.

He does pay more of the bills but he also expects me to pay things with my spare money for both of us and he asked me for gifts a few times

I was able to pay my bills this month by selling old stuff I had. He suggested I transfer all the money to the joint account, when I told
Him I wanted to keep 100 for me as we had previously agreed he acted as if it was obvious and that’s what he meant and he just thought it would be more practical to put it all in the joint
He does things like that often that really make me question whether he’s trying or if I’m just imagining stuff

He does say he wants me to be a housewife but no he doesn’t do that

OP posts:
Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 04:37

@pansypotter123

So you go on "dates" to buy things for him?

When do you go on "dates" to buy things for you?

Do you ever go on proper romantic "dates"?

How long have you been married, how old is he? What's his job/income? What is your housing situation? Do you have/are you planning children? Did you know he was like this with money behind you got married?

We do sometimes go on proper dates, although not for shopping for me lol

I was kind of blinded by the red flags when we were just dating.
When he would come to mine, he didn’t want me to cook, he would ask for a takeout and make me pay for it. He would order multiple things ans the most expensive options.
One day he even invited his cousin knowing I would pay and he still ordered a lot (husband not cousin) and when I went to order one thing off the menu he said ‘are you sure you want to order that, you’re going to pay a lot’. Bill came up to 50 gbp and he knew that’s all I had in my bank account
But stupid me still went along with it

OP posts:
Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 04:38

He’s 25 and he’s an architect on 2000 gbp a month before taxes
We rent a flat
We’ve been married for a year almost exactly

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2021 04:40

When you're married, imo from being happily married for 25+ years, there is no "my money" and "his money." It is joint money, both parties are equal no matter who earns what. I can't even imagine dealing with this bickering over who pays what when you're married. It's ridiculous.

Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 04:45

I’m going to tell him tomorrow that I’ll be staying home. I know he’s going to react badly because I know he doesn’t care about me or my interests.
We had an argument today and he didn’t want to talk to me. Had a few mental breakdowns today, at one point I needed air so (pregnant and hormones have made me feel very depressed lately) left the house for a walk at 3 in the morning, he opened the door, saw me leave and he just went back to sleep and couldn’t have cared less.

OP posts:
Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 04:46

@Aquamarine1029

When you're married, imo from being happily married for 25+ years, there is no "my money" and "his money." It is joint money, both parties are equal no matter who earns what. I can't even imagine dealing with this bickering over who pays what when you're married. It's ridiculous.
That’s what he says He said that his money is my money but then he talks about lending me money He also took my money to put it in his investment account for ‘our’ projects and wants me to put my savings in our joint account saving account
OP posts:
Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 04:47

But all his savings are in his personal accounts

OP posts:
Momijin · 23/12/2021 04:49

Hi op. Stay put and finsih your work and also leave him. Knowing that you only have 50 in the bank, he orders a takeaway taking all your money is very cruel. Any normal person would either cook for you or pay for the takeaway.

This isn't just him being stingy, this is him actively enjoying making you suffer and watching you struggle.

You're young, you have no kids, please leave him.

Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 04:50

@Momijin

Hi op. Stay put and finsih your work and also leave him. Knowing that you only have 50 in the bank, he orders a takeaway taking all your money is very cruel. Any normal person would either cook for you or pay for the takeaway.

This isn't just him being stingy, this is him actively enjoying making you suffer and watching you struggle.

You're young, you have no kids, please leave him.

I did think that maybe he’s doing that so that he can have some power over me financially or maybe he just likes to take advantage of situations. When I went to his we used to do 50/50, he never paid
OP posts:
Jota67 · 23/12/2021 04:51

No kids?

He sounds really selfish and financially manipulative.

This is not a partnership or even a good relationship. It is all centred around him.

A decent partner wouldn't expect you to use all your money and then leave you without warm clothes you need and selling your stuff to pay bills.

Please don't be afraid to upset him you need to start protecting r yourself emotionally and financially. Take the project and do your work and start saving money for yourself not paying it all into joint account.

You deserve to be treated properly. You can do so much better than this as you sound smart and hardworking and caring.
He sounds like a selfish user.

Please protect yourself and don't get stuck with this guy.

Jota67 · 23/12/2021 04:56

Don't get pregnant and please leave him .

I feel really angry for you and want you to have a happy life away from him . He doesn't deserve a lovely wife like you.

Please get out of this toxiic "marriage" he is financially abusing you and your life will be happier and less stressful without him.
Could you imagine having to sell stuff to clothe and feed your kids while he hides money away? No! Just no! Get out now while you can......

Swipe left for the next trending thread