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Original poster

Work and Christmas with in-laws

114 replies

disawal · 23/12/2021 02:57

Hello,
I’m conflicted about work and my incoming holidays at my in-laws.

I’ve been looking for a job for a while now, I have been struggling financially as a consequence. Two days ago, I finally managed to get a project (I’m a freelancer and my
jobs are mostly project based). It’s full-time and it’s quite a big project so I don’t finish my day of work until late in the evening, but it will pay my bills and give me a bit of spare money to spend.

The problem is the deadline is in three weeks and I have to update my client with the process every three days.

I was scheduled to spend the 24th to the 28th at my husbands grandparents house with his parents and siblings. After which his parents and siblings will come down to stay with us for a few days.

I don’t have a laptop and my setup is my desktop. I can therefore not work remotely.

My husband still expects me to join them, I know it would disappoint him a lot if I didn’t come and he would be really pissed at me but I don’t know if I can afford four days off, I’m scared I wouldn’t cut it and wouldn’t be able to finish the job on time.
My sil isn’t coming either because of work but her husband is okay with that and she had given them notice beforehand.
I feel guilty but I just got the opportunity so I couldn’t have noticed them any earlier.

What should I do?

Go and figure out what to do with work when I come back?
Or stay back and work on my project?

Thank you

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/12/2021 08:54

It's interesting that you didn't mention that you are pregnant until towards the end of your posts. Are you in the UK?

layladomino · 23/12/2021 08:56

Op you are being financially abused. He is taking joy it seems from knowing you are broke. He is watching his wife need winter clothes to keep warm but not doing anything about it. Once you are married, you are jointly responsible for paying the bills and essentials. There isn't a 'yours' and 'mine'. That should only apply if you have money left over once the essentials (that includes all bills and winter clothes) are paid... then you might divide up 'spending money' (equally).

He is making you miserable intentionally.

You say know he doesn’t care about me or my interests. Even without the financial abuse, that tells you that you shouldn't be with this man.

How about you explain to his family why you can't attend? Say that your husband won't let you have winter clothes and that he prioritises putting money away in his own savings account above paying the bills, so you have to work.

But remember there is no 'his' money and 'your' money in marriage. In law it is joint money. And if you divorce the starting point (if you are in the UK at least) is a 50/50 split. Even if it's in an account with just his name on - it is still half yours.

comfortablyfrumpy · 23/12/2021 08:57

He sounds financially abusive.

Please get some support and as suggested above, use those 4 days to make plans and get out. I don't think this isn't going to get better.

Jasmine11 · 23/12/2021 09:06

Firstly your husband is financially abusive - what kind of man will stand by and let his wife go short on warm winter gear? secondly if he really wants you to come tell him he needs to buy you a laptop.

In the long-term though, you need to ask yourself why you are even with this selfish twerp? Both DH and I have had periods where one of us is earning much more than the other, but we share finances which is a normal thing to do when you are married.

baytreelane · 23/12/2021 09:07

What have I just read?

The Christmas gatherings somewhat seem irrelevant as this thread has gone on.

Not only is he financially abusive he's clearly abusive in other ways to allow his pregnant wife to be cold and hungry during the winter whilst he has ample savings in his own bank account.

OP, he will become worse not better when your baby comes along and drains more of his momey!

CeeceeBloomingdale · 23/12/2021 09:09

He is a financially abusive arse. It will only get worse. He will make you pay for everything for your baby and you will be even worse off. Escape now, while you can.

SmallElephant · 23/12/2021 09:09

He acts like he doesn't care about you so you think that means he wants to break up with you? Unfortunately, I think you may be wrong here. It sounds like he just wants you as a wife / mother / source of income and caring about you doesn't really come into it.

Don't wait for him to break up with you OP, as that may never happen. Take action yourself and do what you need to do.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2021 09:10

Jesus he's a dick.

How far pregnant are you? Presumably he won't pay towards nursery so you won't be able to afford it so you'll have to stay home. So you'll have your CB to live on and maybe a touch of Tax Credits (not sure if he's on 24 or 32?).

Work this week and point out when he moans that you can't afford to even buy basics for yourself. If his family comment, tell them honesty that your skint, if they say "well Bob has a good job" look wide eyed and say "yes but that's his money, we don't use that to buy me stuff".

Save as much as you can from this paycheck to get out of this. Do you have family you can go to?

mumwon · 23/12/2021 09:46

Medieval - dh money is ours not his when he was working - & he would be shocked by this attitude & we are pensioners now (& our pension is paid into our joint account) & he is an Asian gentleman
You might as well be living by yourself with this kind of relationship -just imagine what he will be like if you were totally dependent on him
That's not a marriage in my book. Stay home & do your work he can't have his cake & eat it. Under these circumstances if he was a reasonable man a single day off for Christmas would be reasonable otherwise, no way

ChargingBuck · 23/12/2021 10:21

@disawal

Sorry i didn’t word that properly, he does contribute, he pays his part of the bills, I just find it hard to pay mine And he likes to keep his spare money out of the joint account
Jeeze. What with the next update about how mean he is with money ... FFS focus 100% on your career.

I doubt your SiL is 'feeling guilty' about ducking out of the visit. Why should you? Just go for the amount of days you feel comfortable with, & bugger DH's disapproval. You have won a new contract, you need to work, & that's that.

ChargingBuck · 23/12/2021 10:25

He said he wanted me to be a housewife eventually and for him to take charge of all the expenses. But seeing what he’s doing now that’s an absolute no-no lol

If you become this man's "housewife" he will keep your constantly short of money & still expect your gratitude. And for you to take 100% responsibility for all the grunt work of running a home & possibly DC.

His response about the £1 for coffee is ... outrageously tight. As is both of you going shopping, but only for him, while his wife is skint.
This is a mean-minded, selfish man, who is well on the way to setting you up for a lifetime of financial abuse.

likeasloth · 23/12/2021 10:31

Sorry it just sounded to me that you and your husband aren't on the same boat financially despite being married! If you were, he wouldn't encourage you to choose Xmas dinner with his OWN family over a project that is going to help out financially. I would do my own thing but please be careful, this isn't normal.

Loveisthere · 23/12/2021 10:47

This is abusive behaviour op. He will probably charge you more this month for the bills as you are staying there on your own. Do you really want to live your life like this? He wants you to be a housewife He offers to lend you money. He will not buy you food when you are hungry. Will not buy you clothes when you are cold leaves you outside in the small hours and goes to bed. Spends all your money on a take away. I am struggling to what you see in him. Please for your own sanity leave him. And yes stay at home and work because you will need the money when you live on your own. I wish you well op xx

WouldIBeATwat · 23/12/2021 10:57

@disawal

He’s 25 and he’s an architect on 2000 gbp a month before taxes We rent a flat We’ve been married for a year almost exactly
Qualified architects earn a lot more than £24k a year.
WouldIBeATwat · 23/12/2021 10:59

Sense some cultural issues here around his family being all important as well? Why does he think you need to spend so much time with them? Who will be hosting them when they stay with you? Will you actually be able to work or might he/they try to stop you?

Is there somewhere else you can go?

lechatnoir · 23/12/2021 11:22

Oh op this makes for really tough reading and I just want to come and scoop you up and take you away from this horrible man Sad. This has so many red flags and the more you write, the worse it gets (& I too suspect there is plenty you haven't said). Please please stay home over Christmas and use the time to make an exit plan. You are married and pregnant so will be entitled to some/half of his assets which I'd guess are far more significant than he's telling you.

Make a safe, happy and secure home for you and your baby and get out before this escalates.

lechatnoir · 23/12/2021 11:23

@WouldIBeATwat my thought exactly!

Christmasismyoyster · 23/12/2021 12:20

You have a lot of excuses for him don’t you.

Would you do everything hes doing to you, if the roles were reversed

Would you ask him for gifts when he couldn’t afford appropriate winter clothing?

And If not. Why not.

Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 12:38

After ignoring me, rejecting me not giving any sh yesterday even after I was crying my eyes out on my own outside at 3 he tried and make breakfast to reconcile, I felt so bad but thought if I gave in I’d be a massive doormat so I told him I didn’t want anything. Don’t know if I did well or if I was being a bitch and should have accepted it, but anyways he started yelling at me, blocking my way and saying that I had so ‘much fuc* pride’
Don’t know how it’s going to go when I tell him I won’t be joining him but oh well

OP posts:
WouldIBeATwat · 23/12/2021 12:53

There we go. Those suggesting other forms of abuse weren’t wrong.

Where can you go to get away from this situation, OP?

Bookworm20 · 23/12/2021 12:55

I can't get my head around what I've just read.

OP, he bought stuff for himself and wouldn't even buy you a wooly hat? Jesus.

And he pays most of the bills, well too right, he's earning more than you! Why is he not supporting his wife when work hasn't been forthcoming, and then when it is, he still doesn't support you!

And he keeps 'his' money seperate?
He sounds awful and either has no actual clue what being in a marraige and partnership actually means, or he does know and is slowly financially abusing you knowing exactly what hes doing. I'm so sad for you as hes doing all this while you are pregnant!

Is he going to be one of those that expects you to pay for everything for the child after its born too? While his life and finances are not affected one jot?

He wants you to be a housewife and have control of the money so he has full control over you. he sounds very abusive OP. Thats without the guilt trip hes giving you about visiting his parents.

Honestly, yes, sack off the in laws visit. let him get pissed about it.

And seriously, stick to your guns making your own money and do not allow him to make you put it in the joint account. Stop buying stuff for him, and start figuring out a way out of a relationship with someone who is a controlling piece of shit.

I know some couples kept finances fairly seperate, but this is extreme.

RobinPenguins · 23/12/2021 12:55

Your DH’s attitude to family money is appalling.

Please prioritise the job.

TragoCardboardCopper · 23/12/2021 12:57

OP, leave. As in, leave the house, go to a friend or family and only tell him after you've gone.

Send him to the shops for some random thing so you have time to pack up the computer if necessary.

Don't tell him you're leaving while you're fave to face, he sounds completely unstable.

Bushkin · 23/12/2021 13:16

Use this time he’s away to get yourself organised to leave. Do you have family support? How far along is your pregnancy? Please don’t stay in this

Unsure33 · 23/12/2021 13:25

Oh no . You are pregnant by him.

This is not a marriage he has total control.

It should be a partnership and I am sorry this will get worse when you have the baby .

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