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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work and Christmas with in-laws

114 replies

disawal · 23/12/2021 02:57

Hello,
I’m conflicted about work and my incoming holidays at my in-laws.

I’ve been looking for a job for a while now, I have been struggling financially as a consequence. Two days ago, I finally managed to get a project (I’m a freelancer and my
jobs are mostly project based). It’s full-time and it’s quite a big project so I don’t finish my day of work until late in the evening, but it will pay my bills and give me a bit of spare money to spend.

The problem is the deadline is in three weeks and I have to update my client with the process every three days.

I was scheduled to spend the 24th to the 28th at my husbands grandparents house with his parents and siblings. After which his parents and siblings will come down to stay with us for a few days.

I don’t have a laptop and my setup is my desktop. I can therefore not work remotely.

My husband still expects me to join them, I know it would disappoint him a lot if I didn’t come and he would be really pissed at me but I don’t know if I can afford four days off, I’m scared I wouldn’t cut it and wouldn’t be able to finish the job on time.
My sil isn’t coming either because of work but her husband is okay with that and she had given them notice beforehand.
I feel guilty but I just got the opportunity so I couldn’t have noticed them any earlier.

What should I do?

Go and figure out what to do with work when I come back?
Or stay back and work on my project?

Thank you

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 23/12/2021 04:58

Good lord woman I'd try and use the four days to move back in with my parents if I was you.

There are so many red flags here I could set up a cross country run. He's abusive. You need to put you and the baby first before he's has you trapped and broke.

KosherDill · 23/12/2021 05:00

This sounds miserable.

Stay home and work. You need to be as independent as possible. Look into freedom programme while you're at it. Good luck!

Original poster
disawal · 23/12/2021 05:01

@Jota67

Don't get pregnant and please leave him .

I feel really angry for you and want you to have a happy life away from him . He doesn't deserve a lovely wife like you.

Please get out of this toxiic "marriage" he is financially abusing you and your life will be happier and less stressful without him.
Could you imagine having to sell stuff to clothe and feed your kids while he hides money away? No! Just no! Get out now while you can......

You’re too kind, thank you so much.

I feel like he’ll want to break this off before I tell him I want to leave actually, or at least he’d be alright with it. He’s been acting like he doesn’t care one bit, and I think the conversation where I tell him I’m going to stay home is going to make him resent me enough for that.

OP posts:
UmmMaryam2019 · 23/12/2021 05:12

In my religion, it's the his duty as a husband to take care of all bills and me and my expenses, regardless of my income.

He has no rights to my income. If the wife has the financial capacity and the will to pay for things she can.
Basically his money is for both, and her money he has no right to. But she can spend it on him or bills if she wishes.

While I was working and earning I would help my husband with the finances almost 50/50, by choice, no pressure. Mostly I would treat us to luxury holidays and getaways. After my baby I've been a sahm and never once felt 'broke' even though I've barely had any income and slowly spent all my savings.

I can't understand your financial set up in your marriage. My friends behave more generously with me, then your husband does with you.

Is he kind to you? He seems very controlling. I hope you are ok.

I would like to say go have fun over Christmas, whether that's at home doing your project or with the family. Whichever, would give you the most happiness.

X

chopc · 23/12/2021 05:13

Did I read correctly you mentioned pregnancy hormones? So you are pregnant to this low life already?

UmmMaryam2019 · 23/12/2021 05:26

Oh gosh your pregnant and his acting like this.

Do you have any support network of your own, parents, family friends?
Try to get away from this controlling guy and get yourself free and independent. You'll be so much happier.
He doesn't deserve you.

Newestname002 · 23/12/2021 05:29

@disawal

He said he wanted me to be a housewife eventually and for him to take charge of all the expenses. But seeing what he’s doing now that’s an absolute no-no lol

Wow. Your husband really isn't a kind and generous person - especially where money is involved is he? How can he see you do without and not help you? How can he try to coerce you Ito you giving up your money but keep his to himself? How much is s your child going to be financially supported - is that a conversation you've already had with him? Sorry for all the questions OP, and you don't have to answer them here. But you do need to seriously consider if you have a future with this uncaring person.

You are wise not to go the housewife route and allow him control over your finances - what a trap that would be. 🌹

Whothe · 23/12/2021 05:33

In the gentlest of ways but the clearest so you understand, the scenarios you have mentioned are financial abuse.
Coercing someone into giving money, “investing” in something they don’t understand or necessarily want and being immoral enough to force someone to use all their spare cash on non neccessities.

Please please please thibk about leaving this man.

Do you have family you can move in with? You should do that whilst he is away. Spend one day doing that.
You need to do it and be established now before baby comes along.

You cannot allow him to use your money as an extension of his bank account nor tell you what to use your money on.

I understand he may pay more in bills that what is the point in that if it is cancelled out by the way he uses your money (or makes your sell things to obtain more money - which I can accept if it was a case of if you don’t sell neither of you have anything to eat, but by the sound of it he has investments so he could have distinvested some to help out).

I would urge caution though as you say you are renting. How long is left on your contract? Are you both tenants or is it in his name/your name only. You need to seek advice in that regard. I mean, don’t let it stop you from leaving as help maybe difficult to source this side of Xmas but don’t leave it too long. You need to be sure you are safeguarding yourself from any silly bugger games he plays by not paying the rent leaving you solely liable. I don’t know what help or advice you can get, but I just feel like you need to get some.

Good luck, OP.

Please don’t let him have any more money.

timeisnotaline · 23/12/2021 06:42

Wow Op you need to get out. I see you’re pregnant - what are your options on your own?
How much of your money does he have in his ‘investment account’? Can you ask for it back? Say you want to put it in an isa for the baby maybe? Or will he just say no? You’d get it back in the financial agreement for divorce but lawyers costs…

Eddielzzard · 23/12/2021 06:57

What a horrible man. You deserve so so much better. I most certainly would not be going to the in laws and would stay home to work and start to plan my exit. So sorry you're having to deal with this. He's taking huge advantage of your kind nature.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 23/12/2021 07:52

I think your dh's attitude to money stinks. He won't buy you a hat and scarf because you're skint, that's shocking....

If that's his attitude I'd definitely tell him you can't go to your IL, or at least just go for one day

ApolloandDaphne · 23/12/2021 08:04

Oh dear, you are pregnant and married to financially abusive man. This does not bode well. Stay home and do your project and at the same time have a serious think about your future with this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/12/2021 08:04

Do keep posting here for support. Abuse like described (and I daresay he abuses you in other ways so not just financial) is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Are you in the UK?

How supportive are your parents and friends?.

Teacupsandtoast · 23/12/2021 08:16

Do you have family help and support? This will NOT get better OP, it's only going to get worse

XmasElf10 · 23/12/2021 08:17

You have a HUGE husband issue. He is not a nice man. Do the project and consider a divorce

TragoCardboardCopper · 23/12/2021 08:18

What do you mean he took your money and put it in his investments?

How much are we talking?

For context OP, DP and I aren't married, we don't have a joint account. We don't keep track of who pays for what. All the bills come out if my account as I'm the one who has time in the week to deal with any issues. DP transfers a minimum amount to me each month that covers his share, often he transfers more than that.

When we go out there's no discussion about who is paying, it's whoever gets to the till first. I don't think we've ever lent each other money in 12 years. We pay for each other all the time, but we don't expect the money back!!

Rainbowqueeen · 23/12/2021 08:22

Op this is abusive behaviour as others have said and no way to live
Stay home abs do the work. Use the time apart to have a really good think about your relationship. If you split then half of the marital assets are yours. That means half the money in his accounts.

You don’t have to act right away but I would start by being a little less open with him about your financial situation. He seems to be able to manipulate you into handing over your cash while he keeps a tight grip on his
Wishing you all the best

ANameChangeAgain · 23/12/2021 08:22

He is financially abusive.
In the old fashioned world I'm from, its the woman who controls the household finances, but never in a financially abusive way. In the early, broke days of our mariage my husband would take great pride in giving me the extra bits of cash he had earned. Like I said, old fashioned but sweet.
Let your dh go off to his parents with his precious money. Use this time to work out a way of separating, bearing in mind that you will get half of everything he has hidden. Make sure you get evidence of his accounts if possible, so he can't hide anything.

Foolsrule · 23/12/2021 08:30

I really hope this is a wind up. If not, use the time this week to escape and don’t look back. Don’t name him on the birth certificate. He is financially abusive and controlling. Run!

Alphavilla · 23/12/2021 08:32

He's taking you for a ride. What's his is his, and what's yours is his. Time to put your foot down and take control or ship out. He's a user.

LiterallyKnowsBest · 23/12/2021 08:34

This is one of those threads where one hopes the scenario is not real - because it becomes worse with every post.

A young woman married for one year.
Struggling financially, though her husband isn’t.
Studying and freelancing. (Though lack of a laptop must make both of those problematic.)
Going without basic warm clothes (or at least unable to buy new items) because husband doesn’t share money equitably.
Pregnant.
Husband has already intimated that he expects her to give up work and become a ‘housewife’.

I do hope, OP that you won’t be writing a similar thread in a year’s time, to say your child doesn’t have sufficient warm clothing, but your husband is still buying luxuries for himself.

Holly60 · 23/12/2021 08:37

Stay home and prioritise your work. You are going to need to be financially independent for whatever happens next. I suggest you seriously consider leaving him. He is financially abusive.

Whatever you do, do NOT give up your job.

KaycePollard · 23/12/2021 08:41

He does say he wants me to be a housewife but no he doesn’t do that

Never give up your job while married to this controlling abusive man.

WouldIBeATwat · 23/12/2021 08:46

@disawal

I’m going to tell him tomorrow that I’ll be staying home. I know he’s going to react badly because I know he doesn’t care about me or my interests. We had an argument today and he didn’t want to talk to me. Had a few mental breakdowns today, at one point I needed air so (pregnant and hormones have made me feel very depressed lately) left the house for a walk at 3 in the morning, he opened the door, saw me leave and he just went back to sleep and couldn’t have cared less.
Pregnant? Fuck.
PaterPower · 23/12/2021 08:54

Not sure why you married a man that was treating you like he was (and has continued to - no surprise there).

Not too late, even if you are pregnant, to leave this abusive arsehole. I’d urge you to.

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