He wants to go on a weekend trip away after two dates

[Marble2021]

I have been on two dates with this guy. I am 24 and he is 28. We went on two dates around a month ago. Both of the dates went well. On the second date, he talked about meeting up again and going away for the weekend. I found it a little odd that he would want to go on a trip away so soon after meeting. I told him that I would rather go on a few more dates first. He said that was fine. I asked if he wanted to meet for a third date the following week. He said he would, but he was ill. He was ill for the next two weeks. Then, he messaged me saying he was feeling better. I asked if he wanted to meet up for a third date again. He said he would, but right now he is on holiday in a foreign country. I feel as if he is not really on holiday but is stringing me along as it is quite difficult to travel now due to covid restrictions. He said when he comes back from holiday, we can go on the trip away. I asked if he wanted to meet for drinks again on 23rd December when he is back from holiday, and he said he might be able to. Two days ago I messaged saying it would be good to meet for drinks on 23rd December, and since that he has not replied. I am very confused. I am not sure whether he is really interested or not. I am worried he could be stringing me along until he meets someone else. It has been a month since I last saw him. What should I do?

@GrandmasCat

Sorry but that’s not normal, your excessive involvement and entitlement after 2 dates is not healthy, not for you, not for him.

He is away in holidays and you are here making a proper mountain out of a molehill for someone who probably won’t even remember your name a couple of months down the line.

I suggest you get off OLD, it could break you if you care this much. Work on yourself and your self esteem and when you feel you don’t need a man go back to it.

I am not on OLD. I do not feel any entitlement, but I feel hurt he is trying to use me for sex whereas he wanted a relationship with her. It feels like a rejection. I am not saying he is obliged to be my boyfriend after two dates. If he does not want a relationship then that's fine. But using me for sex is just wrong imo

I think you are massively over thinking it. This is typical of men on OLD.

They will tell you anything to get what they want. They will love bomb you.

So many are just after sex.

I would block him and move on. You need a really thick skin for OLD. You need to harden your heart a bit.

Be really clear on what you want. Don't tolerate shitty behaviour. You're worth so much more than this.

He wouldn’t be ‘using you for sex’. You’re an adult woman with agency. He’s met you a couple of times and wants to have sex with you. If you also want to have sex with him, then sex happens. If you don’t, it doesn’t. He’s made what he wants clear, if it’s not what you want, then leave him alone.

Not everyone you go on a couple of dates with us going to want a relationship with you. The majority will not. The fact that they have or will want to date other people has nothing to do with you. Yes, it is a rejection. So what? Do you want a relationship with every man you meet?!

Perhaps realise that if this many people are telling you that you your posts and attitude are problematic, then they might have a point. Please read and actually take on board the comments you are receiving. Your thought processes around this aren’t healthy.

Marble, block him & forget him.

He's railroaded your request for a 3rd date in favour for his preference for a speedy shag weekend away. He doesn't want another date - he just wants to get to the action, & is stringing you along with bullshit until you comply.

Plus - you know he's been bullshitting you. You can feel it.
He likely has a number of women on OLD, & simply discards the ones who don't give him sex after 2 dates.

When meeting a new man, it's always a good idea to get in a few early "no"s. See how the man reacts to not getting his own way. So well done - his words are stringing you along, but his actions tell you he isn't interested in dating, or getting to know you.
So block, & forget him, & well done you :)

@Marble2021

He told me about one girlfriend who he was with for many years. It feels now as if he has compared me to her and decided he only wants sex from me rather than a relationship.

Way too invested Marble.

You met him twice.
Your thoughts should be how he measured up to YOUR standards - not how you may or may not measure up to his.

Fact is - he doesn't meet your standards.
No need to take it personally. Or to dwell on fantasy comparisons to ex-girlfriends you have never met. That is just ... not healthy.

Also you should not keep suggesting more dates
Make him do the running .

I feel quite hurt that he only wanted sex from me, but he would travel thousands of miles to see her

This is a kindly suggestion - have you ever had, or will you consider, some form of therapy to help you get to the bottom of this unhealthy 'comparison' dynamic?

You met this man twice. He did not meet you standards. He is a bullshitter. & yet you are feeling hurt that he had a previous g/f, & says he invested time in travelling to see her?

Why would you do that to yourself?
She (if she even exists, if he was even faithful in their long-distance thing, if she was decent, or nasty - whatever) is nothing to do with you.
Why are you judging yourself so harshly - as somehow 'lesser than' a fantasy of an unknown woman - just because some random date didn't measure up to your expectations?

Wants sex.
That's his agenda.

@ChargingBuck

Marble, block him & forget him.

He's railroaded your request for a 3rd date in favour for his preference for a speedy shag weekend away. He doesn't want another date - he just wants to get to the action, & is stringing you along with bullshit until you comply.

Plus - you know he's been bullshitting you. You can feel it.
He likely has a number of women on OLD, & simply discards the ones who don't give him sex after 2 dates.

When meeting a new man, it's always a good idea to get in a few early "no"s. See how the man reacts to not getting his own way. So well done - his words are stringing you along, but his actions tell you he isn't interested in dating, or getting to know you.
So block, & forget him, & well done you :)

I agree completely

Your investment in this man is utterly ridiculous. He doesn't know you and you don't know him.

Yes he most probably just wanted sex - so what? He made that clear with the weekend away suggestion.

It's not what you want and that's fine. He is not right for you - whether that's because you are incompatible (which you can't really tell as you dont know each other) or because the timing isn't right for him doesn't matter.

Forget him. Stop analysing the situation. It isn't an insult to be sexually desired and he isn't continuing to pressurise you - so nothing to worry about.

I just keep wondering what she has that I don't. I agree he is probably still in love with her which is why he talks about her so often. He was clearly just after sex.

@uggmum

I think you are massively over thinking it. This is typical of men on OLD.

They will tell you anything to get what they want. They will love bomb you.

So many are just after sex.

I would block him and move on. You need a really thick skin for OLD. You need to harden your heart a bit.

Be really clear on what you want. Don't tolerate shitty behaviour. You're worth so much more than this.

I guess he was just after sex.

Why do men only want some women just for sex but they want others for a relationship?

@Marble2021

I just keep wondering what she has that I don't. I agree he is probably still in love with her which is why he talks about her so often. He was clearly just after sex.

This is an odd thread.

You just keep repeating the same thing, based on your obsessive analysis, as opposed to fact.

You've had some very good advice on this thread. I suggest you spend some time working out what's going on in your head rather than attempting the impossible by what is going on in the head of a man you've met TWICE!

But its not just this man is it, OP.

I'm guessing your relationships with friends, family, colleagues and neighbours are also difficult and frustrating.

Because you don't listen to others. You are incapable of getting any perspective on your emotions or of recognising that your opinion and experience are not unique: you can't quite accept that other people have free will and independence, and you cling to people whilst also being highly critical of them.

All of this is really clear to anyone reading the thread.

You have remarkably strong issues around attachment, emotional regulation and healthy interactions.

To be Frank, this could well be why he didn't want a relationship with you.

But instead of taking responsibility for yourself and seeking therapy, you continue to expect strangers to respond to your obsessive, circular thinking.

It's really not the way to happiness.

Quite possibly it's simply because he met her first. Because he'd recently been in a relationship with her when you happened along, and his emotions are still engaged, he simply isn't open to that kind of relationship with someone else at this time. The only thing she has that you don't (as far as anyone else knows) is history with him. You can't undo history.

Another possibility which I think someone touched on earlier is that he is dwelling on the, possibly non-existent, ex precisely to make you feel you need to measure up in order to deserve him. Kind of like the "negging" technique, which I think is disgusting. A person who wants to get together with another person for any decent reason (including casual sex - it's fine as long as you're both up for the same thing) would make the new partner believe they are special and lovely, not "not quite as good as the last one".

You seem to have a rather, can I call it, old-fashioned view of dating in that you are shocked that a man can only be interested in a woman for sex (unless, presumably, she's "no better than she ought to be" and therefore only fit for... you know). There really is an awful lot of it about, always was, and always will be. It's not about what you've got or haven't, other than being a woman and preferably still breathing. The only thing wrong with that, as I said above, is if one party is deceitful about their intentions.

@Marble2021

I just keep wondering what she has that I don't. I agree he is probably still in love with her which is why he talks about her so often. He was clearly just after sex.

Why do you think she must have things you don’t? He’s only met you twice! At this point he doesn’t know whether you’ve got those ‘things’ or not, does he? He doesn’t want to find out at the moment, for what sounds like good reasons, if he’s not over his ex. But that doesn’t mean you haven’t ‘got’ something. It means this man isn’t after a relationship (with anyone) at the moment, therefore it doesn’t matter what you do or don’t have. It makes no difference. Walk away and find a man who is interested in a relationship!

Block him and move on

I find it fascinating how many women come with this stupid cliche that “he only wanted you for sex”, you may have looked like his mother, had different interests/sense of humour, look different than he expected or reminded him of his PE teacher, it is not necessarily your negative that put him off. This obviously is not exclusive to men, it happens to most women as well, so the fact that he has disappeared does not necessarily mean that “he was only after sex”.

But even if he was only after sex, it doesn’t mean that he was in the wrong, many women also date for fun and as men, they may find lifelong partners in men they didn’t expect to like that much beyond sex.

If he wants only sex and you don’t, you just make sure you keep to what you want and don’t have sex with them or keep going out with them.

I'm not going to contact him again. It's best to just forget about him

I'm not messaging him again.if he contacts me, should I just block him? I feel kind of rude for blocking someone

You can block him now, no need to waste more days wondering if he would get back to you, just end the misery now.

Take control and just block him now.

Don't worry about being seen as rude. He's ignored your wishes by being pushy.

He'll not waste time, he'll just start talking to someone else and you'll be on the case!

Please try to find some ways of building up your self esteem and some confidence in your gut instinct.

He suggested something unsafe (a weekend break with a man who is practically a stranger), you said no and he kept suggesting it.

Bin him off.

@GrandmasCat

You can block him now, no need to waste more days wondering if he would get back to you, just end the misery now.

This. If you’ve blocked him you won’t need to waste any more headspace on him at all, wondering whether he’ll contact you and working out what you’ll say if he does.

just wow..
you need some serious therapy if 2 dates in and u are obsessing on why did he not want a relationship with you.

agree with previous poster, u may not be, but u certainly give off a massive bunny boiler vibe