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Original poster

He wants to go on a weekend trip away after two dates

145 replies

Marble2021 · 17/12/2021 20:40

I have been on two dates with this guy. I am 24 and he is 28. We went on two dates around a month ago. Both of the dates went well. On the second date, he talked about meeting up again and going away for the weekend. I found it a little odd that he would want to go on a trip away so soon after meeting. I told him that I would rather go on a few more dates first. He said that was fine. I asked if he wanted to meet for a third date the following week. He said he would, but he was ill. He was ill for the next two weeks. Then, he messaged me saying he was feeling better. I asked if he wanted to meet up for a third date again. He said he would, but right now he is on holiday in a foreign country. I feel as if he is not really on holiday but is stringing me along as it is quite difficult to travel now due to covid restrictions. He said when he comes back from holiday, we can go on the trip away. I asked if he wanted to meet for drinks again on 23rd December when he is back from holiday, and he said he might be able to. Two days ago I messaged saying it would be good to meet for drinks on 23rd December, and since that he has not replied. I am very confused. I am not sure whether he is really interested or not. I am worried he could be stringing me along until he meets someone else. It has been a month since I last saw him. What should I do?

OP posts:
NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 17/12/2021 23:08

@Marble2021

He told me that his last girlfriend went back to her home country, and they had a long distance relationship for a while, but it became difficult for them. He told me that he travelled all over the world to meet her. I feel quite hurt that he only wanted sex from me, but he would travel thousands of miles to see her
Bloody hell, you've had two dates with him.

I'm sorry, but I'm not surprised he's not really interested in dating you when you're behaving like this.

Calm down and maybe don't date until you sort your own shit out.

torquewench · 17/12/2021 23:09

@sassbott

You’ve had two dates. Why would you even know if you want to be his girlfriend after two dates?
Yep. Tbh I'd decide whether I wanted to be his girlfriend after sex. No point in committing if hes inadequate/not compatible in the bedroom (or whichever room(s) where you get the urge)
Original poster
Marble2021 · 17/12/2021 23:10

NovemberNovemberDarkNights I find that very rude. I certainly did not give him any shit before, on, or after the dates. So I have no idea why you have got that impression.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marble2021 · 17/12/2021 23:23

@torquewench

So why dont you ring him and find out for certain? You don't even need to speak to him, just withhold your number and listen to the ring tone.
I will try that
OP posts:
Ohthatoldchestnut · 18/12/2021 00:06

I suspect you don't want to hear this. However, all the energy you're spending on trying to figure out what's going on in his head (which is an impossible task as you really don't know the guy)? Stop. It's a distraction. Spend it on you and figuring out why you're reacting to someone that is showing you minimal interest.

If over just two dates, he has given you that much info about his ex, I would run. No man worth considering (and who is trying to impress a woman he likes) will make anything more than a passing factual reference to an ex, or any another woman he's had involvement with or has any interest in. If they do, point them in the direction of a therapist - because he hasn't earned that amount of your emotional energy and being a kind ear for their woes with other women is not sexy. The emotionally healthy guys will also never leave you questioning their intentions or push something you're not comfortable with.

The situation is also not a reflection of your worth - it's a reflection of what you believe you are worth. And if this situation feels like a horrible rejection, do not use it as some validation of your fear that you are not good enough or there's some mystery girl out there he's compared you with unfavourably and so you haven't "won" him.

You need to do the work there otherwise you may well find yourself always attracting/choosing the guy who is unavailable in some way (and usually not that special) to try to prove to yourself that you are worthy/good enough. You do not need to do that.

Spend your energy building yourself up, not him, and be kind but firm with yourself. You're worth taking great care of - and if you start with treating yourself as "good enough" (because you are), you teach others to do the same. Let him go.

Ohthatoldchestnut · 18/12/2021 00:13

@torquewench

So why dont you ring him and find out for certain? You don't even need to speak to him, just withhold your number and listen to the ring tone.
Do not do this unless you speak on the phone regularly. It's a bit creepy (and I say this having been on the receiving end of this). And if after two dates, you think this guy is lying, or he makes you feel so insecure that you want to check his whereabouts, he is 100% not a healthy person for you to engage with.
Original poster
Marble2021 · 18/12/2021 00:17

@Ohthatoldchestnut

I suspect you don't want to hear this. However, all the energy you're spending on trying to figure out what's going on in his head (which is an impossible task as you really don't know the guy)? Stop. It's a distraction. Spend it on you and figuring out why you're reacting to someone that is showing you minimal interest.

If over just two dates, he has given you that much info about his ex, I would run. No man worth considering (and who is trying to impress a woman he likes) will make anything more than a passing factual reference to an ex, or any another woman he's had involvement with or has any interest in. If they do, point them in the direction of a therapist - because he hasn't earned that amount of your emotional energy and being a kind ear for their woes with other women is not sexy. The emotionally healthy guys will also never leave you questioning their intentions or push something you're not comfortable with.

The situation is also not a reflection of your worth - it's a reflection of what you believe you are worth. And if this situation feels like a horrible rejection, do not use it as some validation of your fear that you are not good enough or there's some mystery girl out there he's compared you with unfavourably and so you haven't "won" him.

You need to do the work there otherwise you may well find yourself always attracting/choosing the guy who is unavailable in some way (and usually not that special) to try to prove to yourself that you are worthy/good enough. You do not need to do that.

Spend your energy building yourself up, not him, and be kind but firm with yourself. You're worth taking great care of - and if you start with treating yourself as "good enough" (because you are), you teach others to do the same. Let him go.

Good post
OP posts:
SarahDippity · 18/12/2021 00:19

This all sounds like too much does he/doesn’t he for you to deal with. If you are prepared to stick to your guns and give it another shot on your terms, say ‘23rd for drinks’, make that your line in the sand and take stock after. If that doesn’t materialise, and he pushes the weekend away, I’d follow up with ‘nice to meet you; I think we are on different tracks here and I wish you well.’ Simple, light touch, no drama.

user36738281 · 18/12/2021 00:43

You are really doing yourself a disservice by comparing yourself to his ex girlfriend of many years. You’ve only just met and it seems he isn’t looking for a relationship. Please don’t lower your self esteem any further by making comparisons like this, it’s not fair.

Original poster
Marble2021 · 18/12/2021 00:45

I agree that I should not lower my self esteem for him

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 18/12/2021 06:00

Shitty people seek to have what they want irregardless of other peoples thoughts, feelings or nature. It's nothing to do with who you are or what you do or do not have to offer as a potential partner. Because that's not what they want from you.

However, you can decide to remove said people from your life once you see what they are. That, you can control.

I can understand your disappointment but the amount of headspace you’ve allocated to this idiot is crazy. If you recognise that you have low esteem, please, please work on it because the level of investment you have for someone who clearly is not on the same page as you, is worrying.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/12/2021 06:16

At least 50 percent of the men you will meet will just want casual sex with you. If that’s not what you want then learn to recognise the signs (like the ones this guy is giving off) block and move on. Your time is worth more than trying to understand his motivations. It’s not a personal thing. He is looking for anyone who will go along with his weekend away plan.

WaltzingBetty · 18/12/2021 06:23

@Marble2021

I'm not sure why he didn't want me as his girlfriend rather than just someone to have casual sex with on a weekend away
He's married
ImmutableSexQueen · 18/12/2021 06:25

He is stringing you along, whilst keeping you 'on hold' to have sex with when he has nothing else doing. This is no reflection at all on your worth as a human being, or your attractiveness. It's just him being a shit. Get busy. Forget him.

Original poster
Marble2021 · 18/12/2021 06:33

@ImmutableSexQueen

He is stringing you along, whilst keeping you 'on hold' to have sex with when he has nothing else doing. This is no reflection at all on your worth as a human being, or your attractiveness. It's just him being a shit. Get busy. Forget him.
Why did he keep me on hold though? I doubt he kept her on hold. Also, on the second date, he kept mentioning her. He asked what my natural hair color was and I told him and then said I dye my hair darker. He then said he ex girlfriend did the same thing. I found it weird that he would bring her up like that.
OP posts:
Original poster
Marble2021 · 18/12/2021 06:33

@Rainbowqueeen

At least 50 percent of the men you will meet will just want casual sex with you. If that’s not what you want then learn to recognise the signs (like the ones this guy is giving off) block and move on. Your time is worth more than trying to understand his motivations. It’s not a personal thing. He is looking for anyone who will go along with his weekend away plan.
He wanted sex from me but a relationship with her
OP posts:
ImmutableSexQueen · 18/12/2021 07:49

Control. Is he a pick-up artist? They like to manipulate.

DoctorManhattan · 18/12/2021 07:51

You seem overly fixated on trying to understand why he treated you different to his ex.

You don’t need to understand this. You’ve gone on 2 dates, and he’s turned out to be a twat. That’s the end of the story - forget him and move on. You’re devoting way too much headspace to the behaviour of someone you barely know - the world is full of people like this, you will encounter them sometimes.

In any event; you and his ex are different people. He clearly had her on some kind of pedestal and still does, and unfortunately (without sounding harsh) he does not feel that way about you. Nor would he be expected to (even if he was the best guy in the world) after only 2 dates.

Original poster
Marble2021 · 18/12/2021 07:58

@ImmutableSexQueen

Control. Is he a pick-up artist? They like to manipulate.
His ex is a certain nationality. He mentioned that I look a little like this nationally. I found that strange too. I wonder if he asked me out because I look like her or something
OP posts:
Original poster
Marble2021 · 18/12/2021 07:58

@DoctorManhattan

You seem overly fixated on trying to understand why he treated you different to his ex.

You don’t need to understand this. You’ve gone on 2 dates, and he’s turned out to be a twat. That’s the end of the story - forget him and move on. You’re devoting way too much headspace to the behaviour of someone you barely know - the world is full of people like this, you will encounter them sometimes.

In any event; you and his ex are different people. He clearly had her on some kind of pedestal and still does, and unfortunately (without sounding harsh) he does not feel that way about you. Nor would he be expected to (even if he was the best guy in the world) after only 2 dates.

True
OP posts:
flowery · 18/12/2021 08:03

”He wanted sex from me but a relationship with her”

But he’s only met you twice? And he’s known her for years! You have no way of knowing whether he wanted a relationship with her at the two dates stage? You’re not comparing like with like.

And the fact he is clearly still hung up on her is the reason he’s not interested in a relationship with you. If he was ‘free’ mentally, he might well have been interested, who knows?

Fcuk38 · 18/12/2021 08:14

Good lord- simply stop chasing him. You’ve said you want to go for drinks, he clearly wants to go for a weekend away. Now leave it. Don’t contact him again. If he contacts you again only meet if he agrees to drinks only

GrandmasCat · 18/12/2021 08:59

He wanted sex from me but a relationship with her

Sorry, but this is proper bunny boiler territory. Check yourself and expectations, you are the weirdo here, you have seen him TWICE.

Original poster
Marble2021 · 18/12/2021 09:01

@GrandmasCat

He wanted sex from me but a relationship with her

Sorry, but this is proper bunny boiler territory. Check yourself and expectations, you are the weirdo here, you have seen him TWICE.

I am certainly not a bunny boiler. I find that very rude and unkind
OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 18/12/2021 09:10

Sorry but that’s not normal, your excessive involvement and entitlement after 2 dates is not healthy, not for you, not for him.

He is away in holidays and you are here making a proper mountain out of a molehill for someone who probably won’t even remember your name a couple of months down the line.

I suggest you get off OLD, it could break you if you care this much. Work on yourself and your self esteem and when you feel you don’t need a man go back to it.

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