I've made a mistake....

[notfestive1]

In short, married, 3 kids.....always been happy. Things haven't been perfect and we have had ups and downs with life stresses, but no real room for complaint. DH has told some lies over the years but even still I've never had reason to believe he would be unfaithful.
I've grown close to a friend, too close. There have been kisses and a little more though not the full works.....
I know what I need to do, but is there anyone in a similar situation who's managed to navigate their way back? The guilt right now is horrific. I really can't cope with judgement, I know what I've done is horrendous. I'm not proud of myself. Unfortunately cutting contact completely is near impossible. I'd be keen to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation and has advice on moving forward.
Thank you.

Why is cutting contact “near impossible”?

What is it that you know you need to do ?
Navigate your way back to what ?

Picture your husband in the room every time you're with the person. Introduce the two. Have coffee with them and your husband so the relationship isn't just with you.

It’s not a mistake. It’s a series of damaging choices. You are betraying your husband. Please don’t minimise it.

No contact is an absolute basic in these situations. How can no contact be impossible? This man is threatening your marriage and your family, your children’s security, what is more important to you?

I get you don't want judgement. But minimising this isn't going to help you.

Its not a mistake. Its a series of choices that you made, freely. A series of betrayals that you choose.

Your guilt is an emotion of self interest. You changed the parameters of your marriage. And no matter how guilty or full of regret you are, your husband has a right to know.

If you want your marriage to move past this fully, then it can't be a genuinely good marriage unless both parties have all the information. Your marriage would only ever appear to be good. It would be a sham.

You need to talk your husband. You need to figure out why you chose this and if he wants, move forward with a fully open and honest marriage.

Cutting contact isn't near impossible. You just don't want to. If you want to save your marriage, you have to.

@notfestive1 - are you me?! Could have pretty much written this word for word. I’ve recently namechanged but asked for advice on here in past - got a lot of flaming. I get it, I’m not proud of myself…but life isn’t black and white and attraction happens.

What helped me was thinking rationally about the whole situation. Would we honestly blow up our broadly happy marriages for the sake of having an affair? We also crossed a line on occasion but forced ourselves to stop. It’s not worth it. He’s still in my life, there will always be a glimmer between us, BUT I know to try to manage this carefully. Alcohol and late nights best avoided, try not be alone with him etc.

In our case, I think we just accepted that whilst the attraction is there (and probably always will be), we don’t need to act on it and ruin people’s lives. The whole situation feels much less dangerous than it did…I hope you get there too.

Why is cutting contact impossible? Do you work together? Can you cut it to the bare minimum, no time alone together at least?

My husband grew close to a work colleague, multiple messages exchanged, some were inappropriate. He certainly crossed boundaries.
I told him he needs to go no contact which he did, if he chose not to, I would have ended our marriage without a doubt.

You know what you are doing is wrong, you are not remorseful because you are refusing to cut contact.
Put yourself in your husbands situation and ask yourself how you would feel.

I was in a similar situation. Had an extremely strong attraction to someone who was also attracted to me (he made the move as I would never). I was buzzing, felt like a young girl again, powerful, beautiful and full of life. At this stage you start comparing this intensity with your long term relationship. And your own husband looks somehow pale in comparison, doesn't he... In my case it took me months (!) to recover emotionally. Trying to focus on my relationship instead, trying to get the spark back, spend more quality time together. Problem was when this other guy got in touch again I'd just melt. But then the more time passed, the less interested I became (luckily we live some distance from each other). I obviously told him several times not to contact me again but ... Eventually it just dried out but like I said in my case it took a long time. I'd suggest cutting contact whatsoever as if you're attracted to him, it's going to be difficult to see him. Unless you don't care about your marriage. Good luck

Nope. That isn’t “a mistake”. That is a series of shitty choices you have made. You obviously feel bad about it but not that bad or you wouldn’t have done it. If you want things to change, you have two choices I think. Either cut contact completely (nothing is impossible if you really want to, even if for some reason you have to be in this man’s company you can absolutely keep communication to an appropriate level) Or, you tell your husband. I’m betting you would prefer to do the former, but do bear in mind you have taken away your husbands choices here and he would most likely prefer the truth. And to be given the choice as to whether to continue in a relationship with a liar and a cheat. If you decide not to tell him, don’t kid yourself that you are doing that for him, that’s for you….like the entire thing has been!

I do love and care very deeply for my husband, despite how this may seem. I understand my choices are shitty and not accurately described by me as a mistake. He works within the same company as my husband and we are part of a wide social circle that would be very hard to extricate myself from. I can lessen contact definitely but It is impossible to cut him out completely.

I know how I'd feel if the roles were reversed which just serves to make me realise that I am even more of a terrible person. I don't deserve what I have. I know that.
I do however know that I can't flounder like this, I need to do something not just for myself but more than anything for all concerned.

Yes, emotionally I am drained and yes I know this is my own fault. I know it will take time, but right now it feels like an impossible mountain to climb.
I can't deny the attraction has felt amazing, when compared to many years of comfortable. I do realise how foolish this makes me. Honestly if you all knew me in real life, you'd be just as surprised as me at how I've ended up in this situation...

[quote debutante911]@notfestive1 - are you me?! Could have pretty much written this word for word. I’ve recently namechanged but asked for advice on here in past - got a lot of flaming. I get it, I’m not proud of myself…but life isn’t black and white and attraction happens.

What helped me was thinking rationally about the whole situation. Would we honestly blow up our broadly happy marriages for the sake of having an affair? We also crossed a line on occasion but forced ourselves to stop. It’s not worth it. He’s still in my life, there will always be a glimmer between us, BUT I know to try to manage this carefully. Alcohol and late nights best avoided, try not be alone with him etc.

In our case, I think we just accepted that whilst the attraction is there (and probably always will be), we don’t need to act on it and ruin people’s lives. The whole situation feels much less dangerous than it did…I hope you get there too.[/quote]
Dangerous, yes. That's exactly how it feels.

I came here for help/advice because I have nobody else I can reach out to. I expected to get flamed, so I truly appreciate your words. Thank you.
There's no late nights/alcohol in our situation, and yes alone time can be cut out . I know that is necessary.
I know I'm foolish for having acted at all, I know this makes me the worst kind of person because I truly do love my husband and children and the thought that I might have ruined everything already is truly hard to handle.

@CaramelMacchiatto

I was in a similar situation. Had an extremely strong attraction to someone who was also attracted to me (he made the move as I would never). I was buzzing, felt like a young girl again, powerful, beautiful and full of life. At this stage you start comparing this intensity with your long term relationship. And your own husband looks somehow pale in comparison, doesn't he... In my case it took me months (!) to recover emotionally. Trying to focus on my relationship instead, trying to get the spark back, spend more quality time together. Problem was when this other guy got in touch again I'd just melt. But then the more time passed, the less interested I became (luckily we live some distance from each other). I obviously told him several times not to contact me again but ... Eventually it just dried out but like I said in my case it took a long time. I'd suggest cutting contact whatsoever as if you're attracted to him, it's going to be difficult to see him. Unless you don't care about your marriage. Good luck

Yes, emotionally I am drained and yes I know this is my own fault. I know it will take time, but right now it feels like an impossible mountain to climb. I can't deny the attraction has felt amazing, when compared to many years of comfortable. I do realise how foolish this makes me. Honestly if you all knew me in real life, you'd be just as surprised as me at how I've ended up in this situation...

I am remorseful. I never said I was refusing to cut contact. It is hard for reasons I have explained in another post. At best they can be minimised.

A couple of books recommended to couples trying to heal after a dday (discovery day) are not just friends by Shirley glass and ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’. There is wisdom in both of these books should you want to hear it.

I’d also recommend affair recovery site. Their videos are really good and they’ll be plenty for you to start delving into.

You could move yourself to surviving infidelity and read their wayward forum, there are some excellent posters on there who have been where you are.

As I said no contact is an absolute minimum and full and utter transparency is recommended but that means you giving your husband back his personal agency and you might not like his decisions once you allow him to make those choices for himself.

I do hope these resources help you though. They are all really really good.

Jesus Christ! He works with your husband and he’s a friend of both of you??? Op, have you never heard the phrase “don’t shit where you eat”?? FFS, you do know this WILL come out, shit like this always does. And when your husband finds out, you’ve blown up his work, his friendship group AND his marriage?? The only possible way to salvage this is to tell him. NOW today. Don’t let him find out from someone else because other people WILL know….

Agreed. You need to come clean with is and own it. Or the risk is very likely that it will come out without you and there'll be no way back.

@Buildingthefuture

Jesus Christ! He works with your husband and he’s a friend of both of you??? Op, have you never heard the phrase “don’t shit where you eat”?? FFS, you do know this WILL come out, shit like this always does. And when your husband finds out, you’ve blown up his work, his friendship group AND his marriage?? The only possible way to salvage this is to tell him. NOW today. Don’t let him find out from someone else because other people WILL know….

I am fully aware. However it is not as cut and dried as it sounds. I never said they work together, just for the same company, but not together. He and I are friends through a different circle. They know each other through work but not as friends or close colleagues.

@Tiredofbs123

A couple of books recommended to couples trying to heal after a dday (discovery day) are not just friends by Shirley glass and ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’. There is wisdom in both of these books should you want to hear it.

I’d also recommend affair recovery site. Their videos are really good and they’ll be plenty for you to start delving into.

You could move yourself to surviving infidelity and read their wayward forum, there are some excellent posters on there who have been where you are.

As I said no contact is an absolute minimum and full and utter transparency is recommended but that means you giving your husband back his personal agency and you might not like his decisions once you allow him to make those choices for himself.

I do hope these resources help you though. They are all really really good.

Thank you for your suggestions, I will have a look. I appreciate them.

Think about what you want to do. Do you want to see this guy again? Do you want to stay with your husband ? All relevant as to where you go from here.
People do things they never thought they would. No one died. It isn't great but I'm not going to judge you or criticise. Make a decision and give it 100%.

He works with your husband so you can cut contact.

Stop going to social events. If you have to tell your husband the truth to do so then so be it. It's the least he deserves IMO.

@SunshineCake1

Think about what you want to do. Do you want to see this guy again? Do you want to stay with your husband ? All relevant as to where you go from here. People do things they never thought they would. No one died. It isn't great but I'm not going to judge you or criticise. Make a decision and give it 100%.

I care about him, but id survive if I didn't see him again (though our paths would definitely cross) I love my husband and of course I want to stay with him, though I am no longer sure I am worthy.

With Christmas just days away, this all feels so suffocating and enormous.
I appreciate you not judging and criticising.

This isn't something that has been going on for months or years.

If you're all part of the same social set, you obviously can't cut this man out without some sort of explanation. So, next best thing is to never, ever permit yourself to be alone with this person again.

You need to make it crystal clear to this person that what happened was a mistake and is absolutely over and is never to be referred to again. You do not owe him an explanation as to why. It just 'is'. Neither of you is to call the other for any reason, try to 'corner' each other at social functions, nor engage in 'solo' conversation. It can be managed and managed without it being obvious. IF both of you want it to be.

Your experience is a perfect example of someone going outside their marriage to try and solve a problem inside their marriage. It never works and usually leads to a total disaster. Consider yourself lucky that this all hasn't exploded in your face.