I've made a mistake....

[notfestive1]

In short, married, 3 kids.....always been happy. Things haven't been perfect and we have had ups and downs with life stresses, but no real room for complaint. DH has told some lies over the years but even still I've never had reason to believe he would be unfaithful.
I've grown close to a friend, too close. There have been kisses and a little more though not the full works.....
I know what I need to do, but is there anyone in a similar situation who's managed to navigate their way back? The guilt right now is horrific. I really can't cope with judgement, I know what I've done is horrendous. I'm not proud of myself. Unfortunately cutting contact completely is near impossible. I'd be keen to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation and has advice on moving forward.
Thank you.

@CaramelMacchiatto

Don't be too hard on yourself. Yes , you made a mistake. Yes, you're suffering now, feeling guilty. What will you achieve by telling your husband? I think we all know what... Are you really ready for this? Someone once said half jokingly "honesty is overrated". You have a lot to lose. Don't you think your emotional suffering is enough for now?

I personally think it’s better to come from your spouse than someone else. It just means that the person cheating was deceitful and didn’t want to deal with the backlash which in my opinion is cowardly, it’s much better to be honest and then discuss the relationship going forwards. No one wants to be with someone who lies themselves through their marriage.

OP I’ve posted on MN in the past about a pretty controversial situation and found some responses extreme and off the mark when applied it to my REAL life.

I really wouldn’t be telling you DH. Yes it might be the pinnacle of moral conduct but in reality it hurts and damages someone that doesn’t need to be hurt. That is of course if you really mean it when you say you’re done.

Tell him it’s over
Cut contact
Block him
Don’t be flattered

Remember what you have.

If you think you found yourself here because something is missing in your marriage, well then do the right thing by your DH and tell him there are problems. That much you owe him.

We have had discussions about how wrong it is yes, we have discussed at length in fact.

This sounds like more of a 'deep' (but not, obviously as it's not been long) emotional affair rather than some flirting and misjudged snogs. Sort of longing talks and 'starcrossed lovers' and if only we'd met at a different time etc bollocks that in the cold light of day is very teenage and so, so, so not worth it. I know you know this already and must be kicking yourself.

I think based on that, though, you might need to come clean to you other half so he can make an informed decision about what he wants to do next.

I've been in a similar situation. Ended up in a short cyber fling- 2 weeks with an online friend last year when my marriage had gone stale although absolutely that doesn't excuse it. Never met up physically but.. sexting a bit so definitely crossed a line.

I didn't tell him straight away but I must have wanted him to know as I was on a website confessing/ asking opinions sat literally next to him om my phone and he saw. So I think subconsciously I wanted to tell.

I apologised from the bottom of my heart. He forgave me. I forgave myself. And promised to both him and myself that it would never happen again.

It was the first and only time I'd done anything like that and it was not a deal breaker for him although he said he could trust me 99% but never 100% blind trust again. Fairs.

It

I'd fess up as the guilt will eat away at you . He will hopefully respect your honesty and your relationship can recover on to a different footing as ours has.

I've also said hubby can check my phone/emails whenever he wanted wants although he hasn't. It took him a few weeks to work through the emotions but we are definitely back on track now and better than before

So I doesn't have to be the end.

You know you ought to tell your husband. He has the right to make informed decisions about HIS future as much as you do. Right now he's married to a cheating, lying spouse - he has the right to choose whether or not that's where he wants to be.

I don't want to be cruel - you're clearly suffering, and everyone makes mistakes - but I can't have any respect for you if you don't now do what's right.

Seriously what's the end result, what have you achieved ?

What was the point to it all, did you want to lose your integrity, your respect, your reputation, your marriage.

I guess you didn't, so why have you given your power to this man, handed him on a plate the ability to destroy your life. You don't really know him, this is information even if you ended it today that could come and bite you on the bum at ANY time in the future.

Imagine in ten years time, your husband, friends and children knowing.
He will always have this over on you and your husband.

Big risk, if you're going to chuck your stability away make sure it's at least with someone who you want to rip the family up for, to escape.

This man is a shit, shagging his friends/colleagues wife, why have you allowed him to pull you down.

It's not special, it's tawdry, unremarkable and predictably boring, we can all do it, if we wish, we just don't, not many of us want to sabotage our own future for nothing.

The only interesting point of all this is how quickly it took him push your defences down .......

in no time at all.

Oh gosh, it's so terrible and tormented and passionate and doomed and dramatic. How awful for you

Ignore the haters OP. Some posters love to have a pop at people especially this kind of topic.

I think you have half a chance of sorting it but why can't you go NC? Do you work together? That may be an issue...

If you love your husband and you know you want him, don't tell him. Just get back on the straight and narrow and stay there.

@sadpapercourtesan

You know you ought to tell your husband. He has the right to make informed decisions about HIS future as much as you do. Right now he's married to a cheating, lying spouse - he has the right to choose whether or not that's where he wants to be.

I don't want to be cruel - you're clearly suffering, and everyone makes mistakes - but I can't have any respect for you if you don't now do what's right.

I hear you, don't think I don't. I just need perspective and head space first and foremost

@JorisBohnson2

Ignore the haters OP. Some posters love to have a pop at people especially this kind of topic.

I think you have half a chance of sorting it but why can't you go NC? Do you work together? That may be an issue...

Thank you. NC is hard because we are part of a big social circle. Me and OM. OM and husband work for the same company, though not together if that makes sense. They know each other but not closely. I can have no alone time and no one to one contact but he will always exist somewhere in my life.

@Onthedunes

Seriously what's the end result, what have you achieved ?

What was the point to it all, did you want to lose your integrity, your respect, your reputation, your marriage.

I guess you didn't, so why have you given your power to this man, handed him on a plate the ability to destroy your life. You don't really know him, this is information even if you ended it today that could come and bite you on the bum at ANY time in the future.

Imagine in ten years time, your husband, friends and children knowing.
He will always have this over on you and your husband.

Big risk, if you're going to chuck your stability away make sure it's at least with someone who you want to rip the family up for, to escape.

This man is a shit, shagging his friends/colleagues wife, why have you allowed him to pull you down.

It's not special, it's tawdry, unremarkable and predictably boring, we can all do it, if we wish, we just don't, not many of us want to sabotage our own future for nothing.

The only interesting point of all this is how quickly it took him push your defences down .......

in no time at all.

It is not as black and white as this but I won't attempt to explain why because you have so clearly made your mind up

If you think you found yourself here because something is missing in your marriage, well then do the right thing by your DH and tell him there are problems. That much you owe him.

This, you really do need to know our out why you did this over a period of time. Some counselling may help, but unless you work it out you’ll never be able to move forward.

People are only telling you to tell your husband because they want you to be punished, and your family is collateral damage, worth hurting for your punishment. It's vengeful and pointless. If your marriage is what you want then just end it, don't see the guy alone or talk to him privately, and dedicate yourself to your husband from now on.

Talking to him about problems in your marriage and how they might be resolved is something else.

@DrSbaitso with respect that is nonsense.

I didn't advise OP to tell her DH because I want her to be punished. I said it because I think he has the right to make informed choices about his future, and to know what the terms of his marriage are, as much as OP does.

OP, I do have sympathy, and wish you all the best. What's done is done, and you must be feeling absolutely awful now. I hope things work out for you, whatever comes next

@CaramelMacchiatto
Her husband can’t consent to being in the marriage as it stands because vital information is being withheld from him, plus his sexual health has been put at risk. It’s very much his business. If OP won’t tell him, I hope the lover/one of the mates does.
She could tell her husband, divorce him, and be free to date the lover, but that would be the decent thing to do.

I'd say the way forward is simple in theory. If the roles where reversed and your husband was the one how had kissed another woman several times. What would you want him to do?
Would you want him to end the marriage? Would you want him to hide it from you? Would you want him to fess up and let the chips fall where they may?

Figure out what you'd want your husband to do in your situation and do that.

@DrSbaitso

People are only telling you to tell your husband because they want you to be punished, and your family is collateral damage, worth hurting for your punishment. It's vengeful and pointless. If your marriage is what you want then just end it, don't see the guy alone or talk to him privately, and dedicate yourself to your husband from now on.

This is exactly the type of BS I named myself after and typical if this poster.

[quote NowEvenBetter]@CaramelMacchiatto
Her husband can’t consent to being in the marriage as it stands because vital information is being withheld from him, plus his sexual health has been put at risk. It’s very much his business. If OP won’t tell him, I hope the lover/one of the mates does.
She could tell her husband, divorce him, and be free to date the lover, but that would be the decent thing to do.[/quote]
If the OP hasn’t had sex, how has his sexual health been put at risk?

They've had sexual contact, I think, just not sex? That's what her OP implies.

@CaptSkippy

I'd say the way forward is simple in theory. If the roles where reversed and your husband was the one how had kissed another woman several times. What would you want him to do? Would you want him to end the marriage? Would you want him to hide it from you? Would you want him to fess up and let the chips fall where they may?

Figure out what you'd want your husband to do in your situation and do that.

I could never forget such infidelity. I’d rather not know if my DH was truly remorseful. People on here pretend life is simple. It’s BS

Op telling her husband is in no way “vengeful and pointless” and it matters not a jot to me whether op is punished or not…in fact, she has to face herself in the mirror everyday. For me, that would be punishment enough.
In this situation, where it’s all so close to home it is inevitable that her husband will find out.
Telling him herself rather than letting him hear it from someone else and face that extra humiliation, is a kindness (the first one she’s done him recently it seems) and the first step towards the rebuilding of the relationship (if they both want to)

Don't tell your husband - nothing good can come of it. You will only hurt him and probably destroy your marriage. Just resolve never to be with this man alone ever again.