I've made a mistake....

[notfestive1]

In short, married, 3 kids.....always been happy. Things haven't been perfect and we have had ups and downs with life stresses, but no real room for complaint. DH has told some lies over the years but even still I've never had reason to believe he would be unfaithful.
I've grown close to a friend, too close. There have been kisses and a little more though not the full works.....
I know what I need to do, but is there anyone in a similar situation who's managed to navigate their way back? The guilt right now is horrific. I really can't cope with judgement, I know what I've done is horrendous. I'm not proud of myself. Unfortunately cutting contact completely is near impossible. I'd be keen to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation and has advice on moving forward.
Thank you.

Yeah, if you seriously love, care or even respect your husband, tell him.

Then you can completely cut contact.

So, he xould have told people at his work. Who also know your dh? He might say he hasn't, but usually dont know for a fact.

He could have told people in this social circle. Even if he says he didn't, you don't know

How would you feel if your husband was going on nights out with friends, but it turned out his OW was there?

Or worse, was going out with you and this social circle. Then you later found out that social circle contained the OW? You sat there, while they both exchanged stolen glances, while you sit being completely unaware and ignorant of that information.

Imagine the humiliation you would feel? Especially if you then discover people in this circle know. People at your work know.

I get you say you care deeply about your husband and maybe you do. But those feelings, your husbands feelings didn't matter when you were pursing the OM.

Genuinely, do you really feel that deeply.....or are you convincing yourself you do....because you don't want the impact of a family split?

If you are not happy in your relationship then the best thing to do is to end the marriage, not seek what you’re missing elsewhere. If you do truly love your husband and you’re happy, then with marriage counselling you may be able to overcome this and get to the bottom of what your relationship is lacking.

If your husband finds out, it will cause a lot of hurt, as it did me, we are in a better place now but it has brought many problems and once the trust is broken it is more-less impossible to fully trust that person again.

There's no need surely for you to ever be alone with him again or to ever message him one to one again?

Those are two things you need to never do again. Ever.

And don't minimise. You say you've grown 'too close' and had 'kisses' and more. You're having an affair. That's what an affair is.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

There's no need surely for you to ever be alone with him again or to ever message him one to one again?

Those are two things you need to never do again. Ever.

And don't minimise. You say you've grown 'too close' and had 'kisses' and more. You're having an affair. That's what an affair is.

I do know it is an affair, I'm not trying to minimise it. Just be honest. If I'd called it an affair the assumption would be months and months of sex. That's not the case. I'm starting to realise you're damned if you do and damned if you don't around here.

I'm starting to realise you're damned if you do and damned if you don't around here.

You're not damned if you don't cheat and you're not damned if you cut all contact.

You're damned if you pretend you can't because it's easier that way.

Try and think - honestly - about what you really want.

You say you love your husband - do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? And no one else?

If the answer is yes, then tell OM it's over, you are committed to your husband and there will never be anything between you again. And let that be it.

If the answer is no, then either end your marriage or keep seeing the OM and let the relationship end when your infidelity is discovered.

People put too much emphasis on guilt, attraction, love etc - it is to absolve ourselves from the responsibility of making a choice.

It might be hard to do but it is in no way complicated.

I do know it is an affair, I'm not trying to minimise it.

I'm telling how it came across we can only go on what you say yourself. You didn't use that label, so it sounded like minimising.

Just be honest

Bit rich, I am being honest. Not sure what you think I've lied about, or anyone else has in their responses to you?

If I'd called it an affair the assumption would be months and months of sex. That's not the case.

Not if you had just said I've been having an emotional affair for x weeks / months and it's now become physical too.

I'm starting to realise you're damned if you do and damned if you don't around here.

It's more that you're going to hear harsh words if you describe an affair as 'getting too close' and 'kissing', imply cutting contact isn't something you're willing or able to do.

I don't think people have been particularly harsh to you on here especially considering this is a bloke who shares both a workspace and a friendship group with your husband.

You didn't address the question in my post - which of course you don't have to do, I just thought it seemed like an obvious no brainer thing for you to agree with: There's no need surely for you to ever be alone with him again or to ever message him one to one again?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I do know it is an affair, I'm not trying to minimise it.

I'm telling how it came across we can only go on what you say yourself. You didn't use that label, so it sounded like minimising.

Just be honest

Bit rich, I am being honest. Not sure what you think I've lied about, or anyone else has in their responses to you?

If I'd called it an affair the assumption would be months and months of sex. That's not the case.

Not if you had just said I've been having an emotional affair for x weeks / months and it's now become physical too.

I'm starting to realise you're damned if you do and damned if you don't around here.

It's more that you're going to hear harsh words if you describe an affair as 'getting too close' and 'kissing', imply cutting contact isn't something you're willing or able to do.

I don't think people have been particularly harsh to you on here especially considering this is a bloke who shares both a workspace and a friendship group with your husband.

You didn't address the question in my post - which of course you don't have to do, I just thought it seemed like an obvious no brainer thing for you to agree with: There's no need surely for you to ever be alone with him again or to ever message him one to one again?

You are quite correct and I'm sorry if my original post and subsequent responses have been wrongly worded. This is new territory for me and I am emotionally/mentally in a pretty awful place, i didn't spend long enough on my choice of wording. I'm not trying to minimise, I can assure you. I know that what I have done is awful, it is me and those that I love that will have to live with the consequences of my actions forever, I am aware, truly I am.

I don't ever have to be alone with him or have private contact again, this much is correct. It will be as close to impossible as impossible gets to avoid him entirely, but we never have to be alone again. I didn't mean to avoid your question.

@MrsBobDylan

Try and think - honestly - about what you really want.

You say you love your husband - do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? And no one else?

If the answer is yes, then tell OM it's over, you are committed to your husband and there will never be anything between you again. And let that be it.

If the answer is no, then either end your marriage or keep seeing the OM and let the relationship end when your infidelity is discovered.

People put too much emphasis on guilt, attraction, love etc - it is to absolve ourselves from the responsibility of making a choice.

It might be hard to do but it is in no way complicated.

Thank you, it is obvious to me now that I need to evaluate what I have, what we all stand to lose and so forth. I'm very much in the heat of the moment here. Things only advanced a few days ago so, I haven't been sat on this for weeks. It is fresh and raw.

Tell your husband. But you probably won’t do that.

@girlmom21

I'm starting to realise you're damned if you do and damned if you don't around here.

You're not damned if you don't cheat and you're not damned if you cut all contact.

You're damned if you pretend you can't because it's easier that way.

I have no intention of continuing to make the same awful decisions. I'd love to cut all contact but as previously stated, it cannot be like that. It truly isn't that black and white. I can however create distance and commit to never being alone with him again and never having one to one contact.

@SameToo

Tell your husband. But you probably won’t do that.

Right now, no. I won't. When I have my own head clearer, so that I can support him with the information, it is something I'd like to do. I'm not naturally a dishonest person, I've never ever done anything like this before.

You can't cut contact because you dinr eant to tell your husband and he will know something is off.

I bet if you told your husband and he made cutting contact a must, for the marriage to work......you would find a way to cut contact.

Are you currently (as in over the last few weeks even if not today) in touch with him privately? As in texts etc?

You need to block him on every platform so that he cannot get in touch with you. But then if he feels differently to you and wants more from you, he may try other ways of getting in touch. Is there a risk of him telling your partner / his partner, to the best of your knowledge?

Have you discussed with each other how wrong it is / how bad you feel etc or has it all been light and exciting (bleurgh, just trying to imagine how it got to this stage) until reality hit you?

I think you need to decide whether it's worth the risk of not telling your husband, because if someone else does then it will presumably feel even worse for him.

Ah shit. They have a connection. No matter how tenuous. This is someone who, in some way, your husband knows!

This will come out eventually. Too close to home. Stop right now because it WILL blow up. What were you thinking! Clearly not much. I fully understand your predicament, i have been there. However, this is on your doorstep. Have a harsh harsh word with yourself, step back while you possibly still can.

Don't see him alone.

What does he offer that you can't get elsewhere in your life? How does he make you feel and why?

Sorry it’s just a boundary you don’t cross. I haven’t any sympathy. At all.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Yes , you made a mistake. Yes, you're suffering now, feeling guilty. What will you achieve by telling your husband? I think we all know what... Are you really ready for this? Someone once said half jokingly "honesty is overrated". You have a lot to lose. Don't you think your emotional suffering is enough for now?

@SunflowerTed

Sorry it’s just a boundary you don’t cross. I haven’t any sympathy. At all.

I have no requirement for your sympathy

@CaramelMacchiatto

Don't be too hard on yourself. Yes , you made a mistake. Yes, you're suffering now, feeling guilty. What will you achieve by telling your husband? I think we all know what... Are you really ready for this? Someone once said half jokingly "honesty is overrated". You have a lot to lose. Don't you think your emotional suffering is enough for now?

Thank you, I appreciate your words. Am I ready for it? No I wasn't ready for any of it. I do, yes. I feel utterly horrendous but it's my own fault.

@DrSbaitso

Don't see him alone.

What does he offer that you can't get elsewhere in your life? How does he make you feel and why?

That's a whole can of worms but I didn't go looking for him. Its not like I've found something I was lacking per se. I won't see him alone again and I hope in time I can see things more clearly.

@Sonaftersonafterson

Ah shit. They have a connection. No matter how tenuous. This is someone who, in some way, your husband knows!

This will come out eventually. Too close to home. Stop right now because it WILL blow up. What were you thinking! Clearly not much. I fully understand your predicament, i have been there. However, this is on your doorstep. Have a harsh harsh word with yourself, step back while you possibly still can.

What was I thinking? I really don't know. I truly am so bitterly disappointed in myself. I am so aware of how close to home it is.

Stop communicating, tell your husband.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Are you currently (as in over the last few weeks even if not today) in touch with him privately? As in texts etc?

You need to block him on every platform so that he cannot get in touch with you. But then if he feels differently to you and wants more from you, he may try other ways of getting in touch. Is there a risk of him telling your partner / his partner, to the best of your knowledge?

Have you discussed with each other how wrong it is / how bad you feel etc or has it all been light and exciting (bleurgh, just trying to imagine how it got to this stage) until reality hit you?

I think you need to decide whether it's worth the risk of not telling your husband, because if someone else does then it will presumably feel even worse for him.

To the best of my knowledge, no I don't think he would. We have had discussions about how wrong it is yes, we have discussed at length in fact. We have had contact in recent weeks, yes. This has only happened in that time frame.