I've made a mistake....

[notfestive1]

In short, married, 3 kids.....always been happy. Things haven't been perfect and we have had ups and downs with life stresses, but no real room for complaint. DH has told some lies over the years but even still I've never had reason to believe he would be unfaithful.
I've grown close to a friend, too close. There have been kisses and a little more though not the full works.....
I know what I need to do, but is there anyone in a similar situation who's managed to navigate their way back? The guilt right now is horrific. I really can't cope with judgement, I know what I've done is horrendous. I'm not proud of myself. Unfortunately cutting contact completely is near impossible. I'd be keen to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation and has advice on moving forward.
Thank you.

The poster really doesn't need the respect of a stranger .

She has kissed someone. Not fucking killed anyone.

She doesn't need all this kicking. She needs support in going forward.

@Dindundundundeeer

I could never forget such infidelity. I’d rather not know if my DH was truly remorseful. People on here pretend life is simple. It’s BS

I don't think anyone is suggesting it's 'simple'.

Many people would prefer to know and then have the opportunity to make an informed decision about whether or not to carry on. I appreciate you don't feel that way, but plenty of other people do.

And unfortunately there's no real way to no which camp your spouse genuinely falls into when it comes to wanting to know / not wanting to know (unless discussed in advance in case of future cheating I guess) so there's always going to be a risk of doing the 'wrong' thing.

But that risk is part of the territory that comes with cheating.

It is not as black and white as this but I won't attempt to explain why because you have so clearly made your mind up

But it is this black and white.

Look if you manage to get away with this episode in a couple of years time you will wince at your bad decisions.
I don't know what you say to one another, is this the worlds greatest love or just raw sexual tension and ego boosts at your husbands expense.

He is laughing at your husband, some men like to do this, to get one over on them. Not necessarily because he likes you, some men use you for sport and competetiveness, women like to think it's because of passion, love and attraction that is so uncontrollable from the men that it's hard to deny access.

You have to understand you are not that special, sorry but women can be so stupid and decieve themselves that they are irresistable.

sorry posted too soon, a bit like your OM.

Come back to earth, it's safer, cleaner and keep your soul intact.

Don't give it away for a cheap chancer.

Truth of the matter, if you do the work to be a safe partner, openness and transparency are considered absolutes. You can not be truly remorseful, while stealing another’s agency from them. You are still controlling the narrative. That isn’t remorseful. This is why we talk about telling the betrayed.

To put it another way, still lying to your betrayed partner is NOT remorseful.

You keep saying it’s not black and white. It really is.

It’s highly likely it will all come out at some point. I feel so sorry for your husband and three poor children, who will have their life blown apart at some point. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be getting so much soothing sympathy if you were a man.

I think the circumstances of the man being in your circle are going to make it very difficult for you to move on from this.

For what’s it’s worth I don’t think you

Onthedunes

I agree with your comment that there is usually nothing special about the OM or OW. They are simply 'there' and make it known they are willing. If it were not them it would definitely be someone else.

I believe the cheating person can convince themselves there is that something special to justify their actions. The OM/OW may believe there was something special about them that they were able to lure the other person from their spouse. That 'special something' was their willingness to participate, nothing else.

If we are honest, when the truth is exposed or the straying spouse and OM/OW go their separate ways, nobody dies of heartbreak. They move on whether to their spouse or someone else and rarely look back. I doubt one is pining for the other unless the affair went on for a number of years.

Affairs are usually about opportunity. Of course there will be the odd cases where people fall deeply and even leave their respective partners. These cases are few and far between.

People on here pretend life is simple. It’s BS

That's why I said simple in theory.

Of course it's not simple. Having an affair isn't simple either, but people manage it.

If doing the right thing was simple, people would always do the right thing. Just because something isn't as simple as you want it to be, doesn't mean you shouldn't do the right thing.

On the plus side, you have not shagged him. And I do think that’s a big thing, especially if your husband were to find out about this.

Not sure what else to say. It’s messy. It disturbs me that (after having broken up with OM and committing to your marriage) you would always have a place in your heart for OM (I know I have paraphrased). That is highly disrespectful and offensive to your dh. Would he want to be with you if he felt like the safe option (with the golden ticket of being the kids’ dad). Furthermore this relationship with the OM has not had to withstand the life stresses that your marriage has had to so if you leave it here in its bubble, it’s idealised.

Is there any part of you that dislikes the OM for allowing or colluding with you to get your life into such a mess?

I am also interested in what type of lies your dh has told.

Of course posters will deny it's vengeful, that was so obvious it didn't need saying. As is the statement that my views are typical of me. Is that not also kind of obvious?

But it's true, though, OP. You've done something dishonourable and it goes without saying that you should stop doing it right now. But if you do love your husband, and you really are going to dedicate yourself to your marriage now, there's simply nothing to gain from telling him. It just creates a world of hurt, and puts part of the burden for rebuilding on him. I know in an ideal black and white world this wouldn't be the case, but in an ideal black and white world you wouldn't have had an affair in the first place.

If you're serious about your marriage, keep it to yourself - it's your burden. Work out what hole the affair was filling for you and how this can be dealt with. If all goes as well as it can, your marriage can continue with your family unburdened. Yes, that will mean you "got away with it", but if you've learned your lesson and you truly won't do it again, what more is to gain from breaking your family's hearts?

I couldn’t agree more.

@DrSbaitso

Yes, that will mean you "got away with it", but if you've learned your lesson and you truly won't do it again, what more is to gain from breaking your family's hearts?

I know this is really, really difficult for you to grasp, but some relationships are based on an honest, genuine connection between the people involved.

Once one person lies and does shit like this behind their partner's back, the relationship is destroyed. It no longer exists. It's a fake, a facsimile, a farce.

It might not bother you, but perhaps you've never had a relationship based on genuine connection.

@DrSbaitso so someone else doesn’t!!! If circumstances were different I might agree with you but the likelihood of her husband finding out is extremely high. Every single post about infidelity on here mentions the fact that it would have been better if the cheating spouse had come clean, rather than leaving them to find out. Add in the fact that the OM works at the same place and is a friend/acquaintance? People love this kind of seedy drama and someone WILL tell him. Far better to be the op.

NC for this to come out in support of OP.

It’s very easy to sit here and moralise about all of this but the reality is that it isn’t black and white. We are human and we make mistakes. I have recently found myself in a similar situation, and whilst the rational,
Objective part of my brain is saying ‘this shows an issue with your marriage, this that and the other, shouldn’t cross a line etc etc’ that is all very, very difficult to listen to when your sat in front of someone who you feel a really strong attraction to. And when that is reciprocated it’s extremely hard to turn down. And of course, in my case I am lonely even in my marriage. And yes I should leave.
But maybe the only thing that’s honestly going to give me the strength to leave is believing there is someone else out there and that someone else believes in me. It doesn’t even need to be OM ‘in the end, the belief that it’s possible is enough.

It doesn’t make it right, but it does make it real.

So OP I am very much with you in understanding the emotions that this stirs up. Beating yourself up about it won’t make it go away or heal any quicker.

If you 100% know this was a one off and you know you won’t make the mistake again I would not tell your husband,
You made some bad choices and you know it - most people do at some point, you have pulled back quickly, and realise what you have
If you had had sex with him or been having a drawn out emotional affair he needs to know

Learn from it and move on

The trouble with the wide social circle, is that that ISN'T necessarily a constant. If news gets out about you and OM, one or both of you is likely to be ostracized by the wide social circle. They might side with and continue to socialise with your husband, not you.

There are some big dangers here OP, don't know how you're going to ensure that OM never tells a drunken secret about you.

If news gets out about you and OM, one or both of you is likely to be ostracized by the wide social circle.

OP if they ostracised you what would that mean for your husbands career?

Is the OM married too?

I recommend honesty. Someone else is likely to know about what you have been up to and it is a roll of the dice as to what they do with that information.

If you think it is bad if your husband finds out now, imagine if he finds out in 10 or 20 years' time. I've sadly seen what that does to men who have been cheated on in the past and it is terrible. Many see their whole lives as an utter lie and their wives as the cause of a wasted life.

Of course, I doubt you'll do what is right. You've argued back too many times for me to believe you are somehow the unicorn of a truly remorseful cheater who will turn themselves in and face the consequences.

OP, you refer to OM as “a friend.” Is he married/partnered? As you intentionally didn’t specify his status like you did yours, I assume that he is attached and likely has children. If so, do you know his wife/partner?

You say that things escalated to physical involvement days ago, but you and OM must have been developing inappropriate emotional intimacy for some months now, and possibly longer. So, you could have shut down the infidelity at any time, but elected to continue until now. Did you not consider the Emotional Affair to be as much of a betrayal as the recent sexual cheating?

You have vowed to never be physically alone with OM again. Have you definitively ended the affair and blocked him?

I would advise seeking individual counseling to examine how you gave yourself permission to lie and cheat. You allowed your boundaries to weaken in the face of this illicit validation. The affair engendered feelings that you prioritized over your marriage and family, and that is worth investigating. The counseling would also help to clarify your thoughts and emotions as you make decisions.

You're human and we're all capable of doing things that are out of character. Give yourself a break, you've realised you're not proud of what you've done but stop beating yourself up. You've made the decision to stop and now focus on forgiving yourself.

Oh and fgs don't tell your husband, put it out of your mind, re-commit to your family and you will be fine.

PPs saying it's inevitable that your husband will find out are speculating, they have no way of knowing, personally I'd cross my fingers and hope for the best. Merry Christmas!

@whereismyhappyplace

You're human and we're all capable of doing things that are out of character. Give yourself a break, you've realised you're not proud of what you've done but stop beating yourself up. You've made the decision to stop and now focus on forgiving yourself.

Oh and fgs don't tell your husband, put it out of your mind, re-commit to your family and you will be fine.

PPs saying it's inevitable that your husband will find out are speculating, they have no way of knowing, personally I'd cross my fingers and hope for the best. Merry Christmas!

I do think the risk of him finding out from external sources is very minimal. Despite how PPs seem to have assessed the situation it really isn't a case of us waving it around.

Thank you for your reply, your perspective is really appreciated

@MsDogLady

OP, you refer to OM as “a friend.” Is he married/partnered? As you intentionally didn’t specify his status like you did yours, I assume that he is attached and likely has children. If so, do you know his wife/partner?

You say that things escalated to physical involvement days ago, but you and OM must have been developing inappropriate emotional intimacy for some months now, and possibly longer. So, you could have shut down the infidelity at any time, but elected to continue until now. Did you not consider the Emotional Affair to be as much of a betrayal as the recent sexual cheating?

You have vowed to never be physically alone with OM again. Have you definitively ended the affair and blocked him?

I would advise seeking individual counseling to examine how you gave yourself permission to lie and cheat. You allowed your boundaries to weaken in the face of this illicit validation. The affair engendered feelings that you prioritized over your marriage and family, and that is worth investigating. The counseling would also help to clarify your thoughts and emotions as you make decisions.

In truth, I naively didn't see it as an emotional affair until lines were being crossed. That is the truth. I've lived in a very black and white world up until now and didn't know such things existed. Obviously I now know and can definitely recognise it as such. We were just good friends, that is all I saw. There was not outrageous flirting as some might expect. We were just two people that got on.

As for his situation, his wife died several years ago and they had no children.

@Dindundundundeeer

OP I’ve posted on MN in the past about a pretty controversial situation and found some responses extreme and off the mark when applied it to my REAL life.

I really wouldn’t be telling you DH. Yes it might be the pinnacle of moral conduct but in reality it hurts and damages someone that doesn’t need to be hurt. That is of course if you really mean it when you say you’re done.

Tell him it’s over
Cut contact
Block him
Don’t be flattered

Remember what you have.

If you think you found yourself here because something is missing in your marriage, well then do the right thing by your DH and tell him there are problems. That much you owe him.

Good response IMO.

What if the poster has been trying for years to say there’s a problem but hasn’t been heard? Leave and start anew? Had anyone done this after an affair?