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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like partner is too strict on my child .

110 replies

thegenieisout · 17/12/2021 14:29

My 12 year old can be rude, cheeky and defiant.
He can be quite territorial regarding me also.
I love him so much but understand that he to some, is unlikeable.
I am doing some parenting work on myself and he is receiving counselling for his behaviours since dad abandoned him, as he sees it.
My partner is kind, understanding and good with kids. He is a very involved father and uncle.
However, he does not let my son away with anything whereas I choose my battles always taking into account my child's history of f trauma.
My partner agrees that he needs gentle parenting but thinks that my son has a fool made of me and there's no excuse for disrespect and rudeness. My son thinks he has equal rights to me as his parent and adult.
My sister and friends have said that same as my partner, for context.
Lately my partner almost jumps in when my son asks any question or behaves on a difficult way. He speaks to him in a formal way whereas he does not speak to
My other children not his or our nieces and nephews in the same way. I believe that he doesnt like him .
He can be critical, nit pick but mostly as a negative, his tone and abruptness pisses me off.
I addressed this last night. He listened but was clearly pissed off that I had pulled him up on it as he feels that he tries to dominate the home and me essentially. My partner feels that he is being supportive. I feel he is being needlessly critical.
I am historically defensive when it comes to y son as he has been the subject of nastiness and aggression, criticism and verbal abuse from my exh so I know I can be overly protective.
As I said, we've started therapy.
Thoughts please?

OP posts:
Classica · 17/12/2021 14:31

Does your partner live with you and your son?

It sounds to me like your partner is overstepping the boundary. You're the parent, not him.

It's good that your son has started counselling for his issues.

Original poster
thegenieisout · 17/12/2021 14:32

No partner doesn't live with us. Sees my kids once a week or two weeks.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 17/12/2021 14:35

How long have you been together?

Original poster
thegenieisout · 17/12/2021 14:36

Just over Two years

OP posts:
Classica · 17/12/2021 14:37

@thegenieisout

No partner doesn't live with us. Sees my kids once a week or two weeks.
Even more important that he steps back a bit then. In your 12 year old's eyes this guy is just someone his mum is seeing, not a parental figure. I can see why he'd bristle a bit at being told what to do by his mum's boyfriend who he sees once a fortnight.
NowEvenBetter · 17/12/2021 14:45

Your boyfriend has no need to be acting as an authoritarian figure to your kids.

Blueberryflavour · 17/12/2021 14:48

Have you even asked your partner for support in dealing with your son’s behaviour? Or is he just taking it upon himself “ to be the man of the house”. Quite frankly I would be telling him to butt out, he doesn’t live with you so he sees your son once every week/ 2 weeks tries to lay down the law leaves you to pick up the pieces til the next time you see him then the pattern is repeated.
Your son’s has issues that you believe may be partly down to the way your exh treated him and you have now introduced another man who is doing the same to him. Keep seeing your partner if you want but keep him well away from your son.
Your other family members may well be right that your son’s behaviour may be difficult but that doesn’t mean it’s your partner’s job to fix your son, the counselling with professionals is the way forward.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/12/2021 14:49

He doesn't even live with you, he certainly shouldn't be trying to parent your child

sadpapercourtesan · 17/12/2021 14:49

There are two separate issues - your boyfriend's overstepping, and your DS's troubled behaviour.

It sounds as though you are already doing the right things for your DS - it's great that he's having counselling, and at his age I'd agree that a gentler approach is better, as the ton-of-bricks school of parenting would only make him angrier and more unhappy.

Your boyfriend needs to understand that not only is it not his place to be "strict" with a child with whom he does not have a parenting relationship, but that his interventions will actually make the behaviour worse. My sons are very different, but either one of them would have rebelled against a bloke who saw them intermittently and had no relation to them attempting to lay down the law. And rightly so.

MintJulia · 17/12/2021 14:51

Your partner needs to treat all your children with equal calm polite reason. He can be a role model. If he can't do that, he needs to step back. He is not your ds's parent and has no authority.

In those circumstances I would only expect DP to step in if your ds had become physcally abusive and you had indicated that you needed help.

ESGdance · 17/12/2021 14:54

@NowEvenBetter

Your boyfriend has no need to be acting as an authoritarian figure to your kids.
100% agree.

He has no right to step in like this and dominate, undermine and dismiss your approach to parenting.

It seems to me that you have all been through a very tough and abusive time BUT that you are all involved in healing these wounds with professional help and a compassionate approach that will take time.

Your DSs sense of self is fragile and vulnerable despite his “tough” exterior - he will be especially susceptible to damage by this man.

You need to prioritise your DS.

Your protective instincts are 100% correct.

Original poster
thegenieisout · 17/12/2021 14:54

Yes my
Partner intervenes when my son gets verbally abusive or defiant refusing to do as he is asks. He intervenes gently as a support to me.
I find his tone is a bit off though. He can definitely be a bit harsh in his tone.

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 17/12/2021 14:57

If this is the way he behaves now, how do you see him handling your son as 1) the relationship progresses and you either live together or see a lot more of each other, and 2) your son enters the teenage years, still troubled and difficult, and things get really rocky?

Warning instincts are there for a reason!

Blueberryflavour · 17/12/2021 15:01

But the point surely is that for the rest of the week / two weeks if your son is abusive or defiant you just get on and deal with it yourself in a gentle way cause your partners not there being needlessly critical! Or does he act up more when your partner is there, if that’s the case I’d be seriously rethinking the whole putting them in the same space scenario.

Hottbutterscotch · 17/12/2021 15:03

This is a firm no from me. I was a horrendously behaved tween/teenager. My Mum’s husband who was providing almost everything for me said almost nothing to me ever. What he did do is give my mother the support she needed behind the scenes.
He only spoke to me directly once when I told my two year old brother, his child , to piss off. Even then it was firm but calm.

If someone is making you feel anxious and question whether you are being supported or dominated then it’s likely the latter.

tara66 · 17/12/2021 15:11

Your partner has no business disciplining or lecturing your child. However the child behaves is no concern of his. He is not his father or any relative - just someone in his mother's life. He is overstepping the mark telling him what to do. Does he provide for this child at all - accommodation, food, clothing, transport, education, look after him when sick etc? No? Why does he think he can lecture him? Your son clearly is having a problem with this relationship because he has to have counselling about it. Maybe your BF needs counselling too? 12 is a sensitive age.

averythinline · 17/12/2021 15:11

I wouldnt be seeing him when the DC are around then especially fi he is speaking to them all differently - its not his place and is actually could be undermining all the other support you have recognised your son needs ...your instincts are raised for a reason....
did you get much support for yourself between relationships? sorry might not be worded well but he sounds a bit OTT for a relatively short term relationship....I maybe would step back a bit and make sure you havent picked someone is is just not as bad as your ex as sounds like you've had a really hard time and you dont need more of that sort of stress....

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2021 15:14

Stop putting a man over your kids. He has no business saying anything to your child.

Momijin · 17/12/2021 15:15

Tell him to back off. It's up to you to parent your child.

Blossom64265 · 17/12/2021 15:19

You need to separate this aspect of your life from your children. If you are already having difficulties with your son, having an extraneous person popping in trying to fit into an authoritative role is going to make the situation much worse. You don’t have to break up with your boyfriend, but you also don’t need to be mixing seeing him with your family life.

Jimmyboy · 17/12/2021 15:21

You know your son best and you know what needs to be done. Trust your ability to deal with him.

Unfortunately your partner and sister don't have the in-depth knowledge of your son's character and so really need to butt out. Neither will they have his best interests at heart but will concentrate subjectively on how 'they expect' him to behave. For what it's worth, they do sound overly critical,

12 year olds can be rude, cheeky and defiant but also heartbreakingly lovable, sensitive and vulnerable. A lot of pre-teens and teens think they are at the same level as their parents. That's just part of the growing process some children go through. They soon grow out of it.

As you say, you need to choose your battles carefully at this age, keep him close to you and he will come out of it at the other end in a couple of years time. However he needs to know you are on his side batting for him during this time. If that means telling partner, family and friends to butt out, so be it. They can cope, they are adults.

GutsInMay · 17/12/2021 15:22

Your DP needs to back off.

He is being territorial, he is the one trying to dominate your household.

Why does he need to busy himself with parenting or telling you how to parent a child he sees so infrequently?

Concentrate on the relationship between you and your son. No need to complicate things with sorting out tension between Ds and Dp.

PeaceandJoy · 17/12/2021 15:25

Tbh boundaries are even more important when there's trauma involved and picking your battles when you've previously made a boundary brings inconsistency. You need to be consistent but I agree it needs to be in a gentle way where you help him navigate the natural consequences of his actions and there aren't millions of rules.

Your partner of two years is obviously feeling protective of you and may be taking his annoyance at your parenting out on your son because of your defensiveness. That needs to stop but you can't exclude him and his feelings either.

It sounds tricky and I'm glad you're all getting support with counselling.

Pinkbonbon · 17/12/2021 15:25

His no nonsense attitude towards parenting a rude tween sounds bloody right to me. But it's not his kid and he doesn't live with you so if you're not happy with it then tell him to butt out.

Please don't excuse your child's chappy attitude as teenage behaviour or trauma though. Or he'll grow up to be a nasty prick just like his dad. He is old enough to know that just because someone has treated us badly, it is not an excuse for us to treat others badly.

Good on you for getting him therapy. But maybe it world be worthwhile to get some for yourself to help you shore up your boundaries and stop taking nonsense from men. Including your kid.

I'm assuming his dad abused you too? He should want to grow up to be nothing like that man. Sit him down and tell him that he is behaving exactly like hid dad. And that he better choose his path in life better or he'll become a butter, abusive man who pushes people away.

Pinkbonbon · 17/12/2021 15:25

*bitter