Feel like partner is too strict on my child .

[thegenieisout]

My 12 year old can be rude, cheeky and defiant.
He can be quite territorial regarding me also.
I love him so much but understand that he to some, is unlikeable.
I am doing some parenting work on myself and he is receiving counselling for his behaviours since dad abandoned him, as he sees it.
My partner is kind, understanding and good with kids. He is a very involved father and uncle.
However, he does not let my son away with anything whereas I choose my battles always taking into account my child's history of f trauma.
My partner agrees that he needs gentle parenting but thinks that my son has a fool made of me and there's no excuse for disrespect and rudeness. My son thinks he has equal rights to me as his parent and adult.
My sister and friends have said that same as my partner, for context.
Lately my partner almost jumps in when my son asks any question or behaves on a difficult way. He speaks to him in a formal way whereas he does not speak to
My other children not his or our nieces and nephews in the same way. I believe that he doesnt like him .
He can be critical, nit pick but mostly as a negative, his tone and abruptness pisses me off.
I addressed this last night. He listened but was clearly pissed off that I had pulled him up on it as he feels that he tries to dominate the home and me essentially. My partner feels that he is being supportive. I feel he is being needlessly critical.
I am historically defensive when it comes to y son as he has been the subject of nastiness and aggression, criticism and verbal abuse from my exh so I know I can be overly protective.
As I said, we've started therapy.
Thoughts please?

I think that this is one of those times that we have to be there to judge.

You describe your partner's tone as gentle but "off"

It's hard to tell but it sounds like you may be too soft on your son because you feel sorry for his issues with his dad. This isn't going to help him in the long term

Did you discuss what kind of support you wanted from your son? You described a situation where you ask son to do something, he refuses so partner asks him in his gentle but "off" tone. That sounds pretty supportive but I guess it depends what support you're after

Have you considered how hard it is to watch your partner being verbally abused? Do you really expect him to sit and watch? You need to explain this to your partner. If another adult saw this, they'd often intervene but you expect your partner to just watch ? If that's the case you need to talk.

You need to work out what is off with his tone. Is it giving you flashbacks to your ex? You describe your partner as fair, gentle and other positive phrases.

I understand why your son doesn't want your partner telling him off. Once or twice a week for 2 years is not a lot of time spent with him and he'll be getting flashbacks of dad. Maybe you need to take over all discipline of your son so your partner isn't forced to step in?

I understand why your partner is on edge with your son now. This is what it's like living with someone who is explosive. You are hyper vigilant for signs of danger and think you can shut any signs of escalation quickly. You are his mum, it's so much easier for you to forgive your son for losing his temper but his explosions will be slowly making everyone else scared and nervous. How is your son with his peers at school?

Personally I would take a step back and separate the two sides of your life.

You describe your partner's tone as gentle but "off" she says the boyfriend agrees that the child needs gentle parenting but what she says next shows that the words dontvmatch his actions.
What she says He can be critical, nit pick but mostly as a negative, his tone and abruptness pisses me off.
and He speaks to him in a formal way whereas he does not speak to my other children not his or our nieces and nephews in the same way Also I believe that he doesnt like him Dont you think a young person will pick up on this and play up even more? He hasn't got the emotional intelligence or maturity to rise above it yet.

To be honest I think I would be playing up if I was a 12 year old kid without the historical abuse and bullying going on previously.

I understand why the 12 year old is playing up. I wonder if his behaviour is especially bad on days that the partner visits? Either way keeping them separate is the way forward imo.

Op, I think the best person to ask about this is the therapist who is a trained specialist in these situations and knows you and your son and any nuances to the situation that may be hard to explain or something you don't want to bring up here.
Also, have you been having therapy by yourself for this because I think it would be beneficial. I can understand why you would be overprotective of your son but also this can be detrimental to him as children need boundaries to feel secure and also need to experience the consequences that occur when they do things wrong or your son is going to grow up and treat women in relationships how your ex treated you. I know that is why you are getting him therapy and trying to address and correct these issues which is great but I think you need to explore how you have played into this dynamic and gain tools for yourself to let go of the guilt and hyperprotective feelings it causes. Until then it would probably be better to keep the boyfriend separate and then work with the therapist on when and how to bring them back together and what boundaries need to be in place to do it in the best way for your son.

Hmm well whether he is right or wrong to get involved, I get the impression his assessment of the situation is probably right and you are being overly defensive. It seems many people have the same thoughts about your son.

@luverlybubberly

I understand why the 12 year old is playing up. I wonder if his behaviour is especially bad on days that the partner visits? Either way keeping them separate is the way forward imo.

The partner isn't the only person concerned about the boy's behaviour. So I doubt that his treatment of OP is confined to the days that the partner visits. OP herself says that her DS is dislikeable in other people's eyes.

Thanks for all the replies.
My boundaries are shit. Sometimes it's too much to discipline him. I feel worn down and worn out.
My partner is a kind and patient man but I can see how disgusted he gets to see my son in full flight of rudeness defiance and cheekiness. I've told him that he is not to pass any more comments, or try to support me by what he considers supportive.
I willl discuss this with his therapist but for the moment, I intend to keep my relationship entirely separate while I navigate my sons therapy and shore up my own boundaries.
There will be family therapy and parenting courses.
I have been honest and told my son That of this behaviour doesn't change and improve, that he will need to live with his dad of I feel that his behaviour is in any way threatening to his siblings and I , because the way things are going , I simply cannot handle him . When o have said this, his behaviour improves immediately.

No @thegenieisout you cannot threaten your son with that. You need to sort your boundaries out so your son starts to feel safe and that you can contain him!

You have threatened to send him back to his abusive father??!!!
You need serious therapy. That is a horrific thing to say to a child who has been traumatized. You have shown your son you are not a safe person either.
I can't imagine threatenjng to send my son back to his abuser. You need to start taking responsibility.

OP, and i mean this kindly, your Dp needs to walk away. Your troubled 12 year old boy is going to turn in to an aggressive and dominearing 16 year old and then it's going to really explode.

Your family and friends are already telling you this.

I think you letting things go because he has had a traumatic past is exacerbating the situation and why this young boy thinks he can be this way with you, you are allowing this behaviour to continue and get worse.

There is two situations that might be happening here

1. Your DP is protective towards you now and feels like this young lad is getting out of control and wants to try and set some boundaries as most people would do when they spend a significant amount fo time with in a family.

2. He is just being a dick and trying to throw his weight about.

Only you know what kind of man he is.

I have no qualms with telling my relatives kids off. Their mother has had a wretched four years and she has three kids from secondary school to early 20s living with her. They all take the piss out of her. She will not be tough on them because she feels extreme guilt over what has happened over the past four years.

Gentle parenting does not mean letting your kids be disrespectful to you or your home. Gentle parenting needs lot of nurturing, discussing feelings of others and engagement, if you are not doing this and only letting him get away with stuff you are just setting him up to fail.

Because this angry young lad is going to turn in to an angry young man and you are allowing this because you feel sorry for him

You can’t threaten him like that!
And you say your partner is “off” with him.

How can you tell your partner not to step in at all? I just don’t think that’s reasonable. Fair enough if in your eyes your son wasn’t overstepping the mark but he is. You’ve said your partner is trying to support you and I get that’s not how you feel supported but how can he and you continue if he’s never allowed to defend or protect you?

I have been honest and told my son That of this behaviour doesn't change and improve, that he will need to live with his dad
Are you for real?
I am historically defensive when it comes to my son as he has been the subject of nastiness and aggression, criticism and verbal abuse from my exh
Your son has nothing to loose now.
In your shoes I would be going to school and asking for support. They may put in a referral to social services who may put a plan of support in place. ( our local authority do and are a great beliver in early intervention to support adolescents)

If he is your partner and your son is being abusive then he is right to intervene. However, like you say it’s the tone he uses that is the issue. Kids need boundaries.

OP. Your last update has me utterly gobsmacked and horrified in equal measure.

Your partner needs to walk away, this is a ticking time bomb. And you’re not making it any better.

So you have told your 12 year old child that you will send him to live with the nasty, critical, aggressive father who abandoned him?

I'm stunned that you let your boyfriend discipline you child. Poor lad.

Op in a few years you might have a nasty teenager causing trouble if you don't start properly addressing his behaviour. You said both DP and other people are saying the same thing - maybe you need to start listening.

You threaten to send your DS to live with his abusive father yet you accuse your partner of being the bad one?!!! 🤦🏽‍♀️

No. You don’t threaten to send your child away, especially to the person that is the focus of their angst. Your child is testing the limits of your love because he feels abandoned. He needs to know that no matter what he does, you won’t give up on him. When you threaten to send him away and he becomes compliant, it is out of fear. It isn’t real progress. You are making the situation worse.

Any consequences for negative behavior should not remove contact with you or be linked to your love and affection.

Your boyfriend is taking entirely the wrong tack. The behaviour of your son is not going to be improved with more criticism and punishment

@Branleuse

Your boyfriend is taking entirely the wrong tack. The behaviour of your son is not going to be improved with more criticism and punishment

Well how is the gentle parenting and lack of boundaries working out for OP and what alternative do you suggest?

I was about to defend your partner until I found out he was just a BF who did not even live with you. He has no right doing any parenting at all.

As for the 12 year old, he needs lots of support and security coupled with firm (enforced) boundaries. Technology and money are your tools at this age. If he swears at you, he loses either or both for a meaningful period of time.

At the same time, find some space where you can talk to him. Walks and drives are, in my experience, good places for that. Find out what he wants and why he is upset and try to reach a sensible compromise (give only a little, but make him feel his voice matters).

If you can find him a hobby or interest and encourage that, it will also help.

Don’t expect instant change and get frustrated when it does not happen, but do have high expectations and keep up the encouragement coupled with sanctions when he misbehaved.

Finally, model good behaviour. He won’t stop shouting and swearing if you shout and swear at him. But don’r beat yourself up about the odd lapse. Both he and you are human and that is also a good lesson for him to learn.

But it does sound awfully tough. It sounds like your heart is in the right place. Good luck!

You have a lot on OP. Reading through it sounds like your son being physically violent to his siblings/you, has either started, or is a step away - by that I mean deliberate and excessive not average sibling fights.
I would have to recommend your partner steps away from direct contact with your son - I’ve seen a couple of times youngsters accusing the partner of things that call for some investigation- unfounded it appeared - but a risk to all concerned. It’s hard but the level of behaviour you’re describing really needs to be worked through with immediate family only until everyone is in a more stable position.
I guess I’d feel irritated watching a partner be abused by their child, but even the best meaning and best practice intervention by a non parent/non professional does not resolve much and can cause other issues.
Hopefully he can continue to support you and be there for you away from direct contact with the child. The other option as I see it is for him to be fully involved with the therapy and professional work but maybe a bit OTT if he only sees him intermittently.
Of course your partner could also be a dick and wanting to be alpha male - but only you know that.
You’re in a difficult situation with your son, there’s a lot of work needed, and although I read about/suggest ideal ways to support your child it’s bloody difficult and not always realistic- we’re human and get frustrated, disappointed, fed up and angry. It’s incredibly difficult balancing one child’s needs against another’s then yours just fade into non existence. You seem to be taking the right steps with professional support so hang on in there. Do also take whatever time you can grab to look after yourself and if that’s with a supportive partner then that’s great.

I believe that he doesnt like him .

It can be as simple as this, I wouldn’t go out with someone who didn’t like my kids (even if can see why they might not). Your life is hard enough as it is at the moment. Sounds like you’re doing great and everything you can for your son, and building those boundaries.