Feel like partner is too strict on my child .

[thegenieisout]

My 12 year old can be rude, cheeky and defiant.
He can be quite territorial regarding me also.
I love him so much but understand that he to some, is unlikeable.
I am doing some parenting work on myself and he is receiving counselling for his behaviours since dad abandoned him, as he sees it.
My partner is kind, understanding and good with kids. He is a very involved father and uncle.
However, he does not let my son away with anything whereas I choose my battles always taking into account my child's history of f trauma.
My partner agrees that he needs gentle parenting but thinks that my son has a fool made of me and there's no excuse for disrespect and rudeness. My son thinks he has equal rights to me as his parent and adult.
My sister and friends have said that same as my partner, for context.
Lately my partner almost jumps in when my son asks any question or behaves on a difficult way. He speaks to him in a formal way whereas he does not speak to
My other children not his or our nieces and nephews in the same way. I believe that he doesnt like him .
He can be critical, nit pick but mostly as a negative, his tone and abruptness pisses me off.
I addressed this last night. He listened but was clearly pissed off that I had pulled him up on it as he feels that he tries to dominate the home and me essentially. My partner feels that he is being supportive. I feel he is being needlessly critical.
I am historically defensive when it comes to y son as he has been the subject of nastiness and aggression, criticism and verbal abuse from my exh so I know I can be overly protective.
As I said, we've started therapy.
Thoughts please?

Yep, he may need to back off and leave the parenting to you, but if your kid’s behaviour is ruining the time you and your kid spend together with him or with his children, because you are not able to do anything about it, it is very much his right to walk away to avoid the rudeness or to avoid the bad behaviour affecting his own kids or the time you spend together with each other’s children.

There are some minimum conditions for “blending families” whether this is for a day out with friends, a holiday with the family or moving together under the same roof: you need to have similar parenting styles.If you don’t, everything ends up in tears.

Don’t justify is as due to “trauma”

That's it @Wolfiefan. Ignore the experts providing therapy for DS, & don't blame the boyfriend, who is exacerbating the problem.
After all, a casual manfriend is far more important than a mere child ...

Your son shouldn’t be bullying you and if you don’t nip this in the bud you’re going to have serious problems when he becomes a teenager. It’s possible to have empathy for him about his dad and still have boundaries.

I personally wouldn’t be a regular visitor to anyone’s home where there was a 12 year old bullying their parent, it’s not my idea of fun.

Can’t you see your boyfriend somewhere else?

I think this is deeply complex.

Firstly you say your son is protective of you as a parent and adult. Your son is overstepping massively - you are the parent, he is the child, he does not get to dictate what you (the adult) do.

Secondly, you say your son is verbally abusing you. I’m sorry about what happened to him and I’m sure he has a lot to process. It’s good he’s in counselling. But that also is simply not acceptable. Can I ask, What do you do when your partner is not there and your son kicks off? How is it handled? Do your other children witness you being treated this way? Are they starting to learn from these behaviours?

Finally? You absolutely have every right to tell your partner he has no right to interject. Another man stepping in could be making this far worse. That being said, in your partners shoes I would give a lot of thought as to whether I could spend time in this dynamic and watch a 12 year old verbally assault someone I love (and get away with it).

A pp was written that he should only be intervening if it gets physical? Really? When time and again on these boards, is is discussed that verbal/ emotional abuse is just as dangerous as physical abuse. A grown man should stand to one side and let it happen?

I’m not saying it’s an easy situation but in your partners shoes? I would be thinking about taking a very big step out of this situation.

He's a sweet boy but also, bullying you? Can you see the contradiction there. Sounds like the sort of excuse that battered women make for their spouses. Don't do that. Sweet people do not abuse others. I'm not saying there isn't a reason for it (and hopefully a reason that can be addressed as he is still young) but it is not an excuse.

The kid is 12, not 6. He is old enough to know right from wrong and I would absolutely sit him down and tell him that he soon he will need to consider what kind of man he wants to be. A bully or a decent human being. A short sharp shock like 'oh my gosh I'm acting just like a person that bullied me' may help knock him onto the right path.

Gonna be blunt with you...we all remember the asshole kids in school and without fail, they were the kids that got away with it because their parents ect... made shitty excuses for them. And they're still assholes today because they were allowed to be then.

Twelve isn't young, you're running out of time to fix this. Or ten years from now there will be a woman dating your son, making the excuse that he had a difficult childhood and that's why he is abusive.

And then ten years later she will have left him but but have to stay in touch because they have children together and she will be so frustrated with you, the mother in law, who still blindly insists he is a 'sweet boy'.

@ChargingBuck I suffered all sorts as a child. That doesn’t mean I should have been allowed to be abusive to my parent.
Your child does need boundaries. That’s healthy.

Your son sounds like a nightmare, if he’s bullying and verbally abusing you, thinks he has equal say and tries to dominate you. He clearly has no respect for you and I think if your own family are siding with your partner then you’re clearly being way too lenient on him. Having undergone trauma is not an excuse to abuse other people, he needs firm boundaries not endless excuses and a “gentle” style of parenting. I would find it very hard ti stand by and watch the person I love being abused by their 12 year old. It sounds like he’s not treating your son differently, he’s treating your son how he would treat other children who behaved like that, but they don’t, so it seems like he’s harder on your son then them.

Twelve isn't young, you're running out of time to fix this. Or ten years from now there will be a woman dating your son, making the excuse that he had a difficult childhood and that's why he is abusive.

This 100 times over. And a grown man is supposed to stand by and say/ do nothing (which in my book is akin to condoning the behaviour).
I couldn’t put myself in this situation.

Are there any patterns or triggers to your DS poor behaviour?

Is it consistently poor 24/7 or can you track it to escalating the days before your BF arrives and when he is present.

Of course poor behaviour needs consequences and consistently firm boundaries - it’s how these are deployed which is important - calmly and assertively not escalating an already tense situation or activity harsh, hostile and authoritarian which is oppressive and counterproductive.

Only the OP knows

@Pinkbonbon

He's a sweet boy but also, bullying you? Can you see the contradiction there. Sounds like the sort of excuse that battered women make for their spouses. Don't do that. Sweet people do not abuse others. I'm not saying there isn't a reason for it (and hopefully a reason that can be addressed as he is still young) but it is not an excuse.

The kid is 12, not 6. He is old enough to know right from wrong and I would absolutely sit him down and tell him that he soon he will need to consider what kind of man he wants to be. A bully or a decent human being. A short sharp shock like 'oh my gosh I'm acting just like a person that bullied me' may help knock him onto the right path.

Gonna be blunt with you...we all remember the asshole kids in school and without fail, they were the kids that got away with it because their parents ect... made shitty excuses for them. And they're still assholes today because they were allowed to be then.

Twelve isn't young, you're running out of time to fix this. Or ten years from now there will be a woman dating your son, making the excuse that he had a difficult childhood and that's why he is abusive.

And then ten years later she will have left him but but have to stay in touch because they have children together and she will be so frustrated with you, the mother in law, who still blindly insists he is a 'sweet boy'.

This is so so spot on! The son is on his way to become an abusive man himself and OP is his first victim.

@thegenieisout

Yes my Partner intervenes when my son gets verbally abusive or defiant refusing to do as he is asks. He intervenes gently as a support to me. I find his tone is a bit off though. He can definitely be a bit harsh in his tone.

Taking your partner entirely out of the equation for a moment - how are you going to deal with your son's verbally abusive, defiant behaviour?

My son thinks he has equal rights to me Why is that? He's only a child. There comes a point where the parent has to be in charge and have the last word, and it appears that your ds has no respect for your parental authority at all.

That is the crux of the matter imo.

A boyfriend of 2 years (24 months) has no place disciplining your son. You are the parent, you need to step up.

@Pinkbonbon

He's a sweet boy but also, bullying you? Can you see the contradiction there. Sounds like the sort of excuse that battered women make for their spouses. Don't do that. Sweet people do not abuse others. I'm not saying there isn't a reason for it (and hopefully a reason that can be addressed as he is still young) but it is not an excuse.

The kid is 12, not 6. He is old enough to know right from wrong and I would absolutely sit him down and tell him that he soon he will need to consider what kind of man he wants to be. A bully or a decent human being. A short sharp shock like 'oh my gosh I'm acting just like a person that bullied me' may help knock him onto the right path.

Gonna be blunt with you...we all remember the asshole kids in school and without fail, they were the kids that got away with it because their parents ect... made shitty excuses for them. And they're still assholes today because they were allowed to be then.

Twelve isn't young, you're running out of time to fix this. Or ten years from now there will be a woman dating your son, making the excuse that he had a difficult childhood and that's why he is abusive.

And then ten years later she will have left him but but have to stay in touch because they have children together and she will be so frustrated with you, the mother in law, who still blindly insists he is a 'sweet boy'.

I couldn't agree more.

OP, you are condoning abusive behaviour from your son. No loving partner could stand by and watch a 12 year old insult and abuse their parent to the degree that your son clearly does.

I'm astonished that so many posters are attacking your partner for trying to protect you. Your son appears to be headed for real trouble, and when he's man-sized you are going to find life almost impossible. I tought troubled teenagers for years, and yes, they can be sweet, while still being violent and abusive. Its very sad, but ultimately it doesn't matter how 'sweet' they can be when they have a girlfriend that they beat up or verbally attack when they're not being sweet.

Gentle discipline and picking your battles only works where, simultaneously, there are strong boundaries. It seems that everyone in your life is worried about his behaviour with you. Maybe you should learn from your partner rather than resenting his approach.

Also, seeing yourself as equal to an adult at 12?
...arrogance kike that in children is never a good sign.

Plenty of nasty people are capable of acting sweet. Not many sweet people are capable of bullying their own mum. The signs are there, dont ignore them.

Not saying you need to let your partner parent your child. But it sounds like you do need to step up to the plate yourself when it comes to the behaviour you should not excuse or be subject to. Perhaps even with the partner if you feel he is not listening to your request that he not try to discipline your kid.

All these posters on here blaming the partner are shocking! No wonder there are so many feral kids around these days!

Oh fuck off to the posters saying about feral kids. It's pretty normal and only lasts a few years. You do you op.

@Momijin

Oh fuck off to the posters saying about feral kids. It's pretty normal and only lasts a few years. You do you op.

Jane you actually read the OP's posts? The kid's behaviour is far from normal. And everyone around OP knows it. In fact she knows it herself.

For @Momijin

My son is bullying me if I am to be honest

my son speak and treat me like shit

my son gets verbally abusive or defiant

(I) understand that he to some, is unlikeable.

He's 12. What do you think he'll be like at 16?

@Momijin

Oh fuck off to the posters saying about feral kids. It's pretty normal and only lasts a few years. You do you op.

No its not normal to raise rude, abusive children.

@wanttomarryamillionaire
The op says that her 12 year old feels that his father abandoned him. That will have caused emotional trauma

@GrazingSheep still not an excuse to allow abusive behaviour!

All these posters on here blaming the partner are shocking! No wonder there are so many feral kids around these days!

There's two separate issues.

The guy isn't a partner. He is a boyfriend who the child sees once or twice a week who comes in and flexes his vocal muscles about what the kid should and shouldn't be doing. This is just putting fuel on fire.

The second issue is the lad's behaviour. Potentially this is going get a lot worse if unchecked.

In my opinion op needs to reflect on when the unacceptable behaviour started and what was happening around that time. Was it the boyfriend coming on the scene? Was there a bereavement? Change in circumstances? I think that is the key. Also boyfriend treating others different and more positively is going to exacerbate the situation.

As I always say on these threads firm, consistent boundaries and consequences are needed.
It's great that son is getting therapy because it sounds like he is repeating what he has seen. In other words it could be learned behaviour. To him he has been verbal abused and bullied and that is his reference point in how you act in life.He doesnt know any different. It is this chain that needs to be broken rather than having mums boyfriend doing similar to what his dad did to him therefore reinforcing the cycle.
I know people wont agree with me but if the boyfriend wants a relationship with the boy he needs to invest time and effort. I would suggest 1:1 time and positive activities with him. Maybe doing things such as fishing, where there is no pressure.
The son clearly has anger and resentment and needs emotional investment.
I am prepared for people to disagree with me but the approach they are trying now is clearly not working so why not try a different way of doing things? It's not a case of rewarding bad behaviour but building up relationships and positive role models which the child seems to be lacking especially with older males.

I had a 12 Yr old male when my new partner moved in with me. We had a baby. DP didn't parent my 12 Yr old at all because it was none of his business.

The guy isn't a partner. He is a boyfriend who the child sees once or twice a week

Excuse me, but why do people feel the need to discredit single mum’s relationships so blatantly? Many doctors, people working shifts or commuting for work don’t spend time with their families everyday without people starting questioning their relationships/marriages. Times are changing, they don’t need to be living under the same roof to be partners when they are in a long term committed relationship. I assume this is a committed relationship because nobody in their right mind would put up with such horrible behaviour from a child just for a bit of fun.

He is hanging around, trying to protect her from her abusive child while at the same time trying to set the same behaviour boundaries that apply to the other children. True, he shouldn’t be doing that but it seems the OP is failing badly at enforcing boundaries on bad behaviour, so he may be doing that for the sake and safety of the adults and the other kids around him.

If the OP continues to allow her son to be so nasty and aggressive it won’t be long before he starts beating her, in fact, I would not be surprised if he is beating her already, it is far more common than people believe.

The guy isn't a partner. He is a boyfriend who the child sees once or twice a week
Excuse me, but why do people feel the need to discredit single mum’s relationships so blatantly? Many doctors, people working shifts or commuting for work don’t spend time with their families everyday without people starting questioning their relationships/marriages

In this scenario they dont
live together. There doesn't appear to be a relationship with the boyfriend and the son. He has been only been around 2 years just as tbe child will be getting ready to hit puberty.
Nobody is discrediting single mums.
My point is, as I've posted a few posts before yours, is there's boy stuck in a cycle of male aggression, first from his father now from boyfriend, partner,whatever you want to call him. It is all he has witnessed from the men in his lives. You dont need to be a child psychologist to work out there could be something about learned behaviours going on here. It is that cycle need to be broken.