Page 2 | Feel like partner is too strict on my child .

GrandmasCat · 17/12/2021 15:33

What I gather from your first post is that your partner treats all the kids equally and you are asking him to bend the rules to accommodate the bad behaviour of one of them.

I am with your partner on this, my son was also abandoned by his dad after a considerable level of nastiness, if I had gave DS a get out of card on the basis of that I don’t know where we would be these days.

Believe it or not, children feel more secure and happy when they know what are rules and that the rules would be applied consistently and fairly. Bending the rules is worse than having no rules, it just confuses the child further and increases their insecurities.

Bjarnum · 17/12/2021 15:36

@GrandmasCat

What I gather from your first post is that your partner treats all the kids equally and you are asking him to bend the rules to accommodate the bad behaviour of one of them.

I am with your partner on this, my son was also abandoned by his dad after a considerable level of nastiness, if I had gave DS a get out of card on the basis of that I don’t know where we would be these days.

Believe it or not, children feel more secure and happy when they know what are rules and that the rules would be applied consistently and fairly. Bending the rules is worse than having no rules, it just confuses the child further and increases their insecurities.

This absolutely.

3luckystars · 17/12/2021 15:38

This is an alarm bell. Listen to it.

Whether behaving right or wrong, your son needs you and your support.
This man does not like your son, and your son has been through enough without having to tolerate this yoke.
I would end the relationship immediately and wait until your son was an adult before introducing another man into his life.

TuesdayRuby · 17/12/2021 15:39

It's a difficult one OP - you admitted that DS feels like his Dad abandoned him - perhaps your partner is trying to fill the Dad role by being strong and authoritative in front of him? (Whether you want him to or agree with him doing this is a different issue).
I think the key thing here is that he treats all the children equally. I agree with a PP who said that 12 is old enough to understand when you're stepping out of line.

girlmom21 · 17/12/2021 15:40

Your boyfriend needs to back off. He's not your sons dad. He's not even a step dad.

You're addressing your own parenting challenges. We're all just doing our best.

Branleuse · 17/12/2021 15:42

If you feel hes too harsh then he probably is. H
Its not his child nor in his home. Hes just your boyfriend and has no right to come into your childs home and dominate him

Allsorts1 · 17/12/2021 15:44

I had a step dad who took it upon himself to parent what he saw as a troublesome behaviour - it did not end well and I barely have a relationship with my mother now because of it. I was not a particularly difficult child, he was just a massive asshole and remains so to this day.

ReadyforTakeOff · 17/12/2021 15:46

Dump him - if he can't understand what he is doing wrong he is beyond help.

Josette77 · 17/12/2021 15:52

Stop letting him parent your kids. YOU need to parent your own children. Sounds like your child does need a stricter household but that is your job to provide. He does not need to "support you" in parenting. He is not your kids father. Sounds like you have boundary issues with you ex, your son, and your new boyfriend.

viques · 17/12/2021 15:56

The one thing that stood out for me was “my son thinks he has equal rights to me as his parent and a adult”

Your son certainly has rights, to be listened to, cared for, respected as a human being etc. He is however a child, and as such he does not have equal rights to you because you are the one taking responsibility, making decisions , planning ahead for your futures with your adult brain . Therefore your decisions take precedence over his demands, he can have opinions and voice them, but ultimately you make the decisions.

You need him to understand this. It is not personal, it is because he is 12.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 17/12/2021 16:05

I feel sorry for your partner. I think he's only trying to back you up and he doesn't like to see you being disrespected by your son. Your son is clearly a bit of a brat if others including his own aunt are on your partner's side in this. You need to stop making excuses for your sons bad behaviour and deal with it. My ds was also treated cruelly and abandoned by his father and theres no way id tolerate that being used as an excuse to be a little shit!

MilduraS · 17/12/2021 16:08

@GrandmasCat

What I gather from your first post is that your partner treats all the kids equally and you are asking him to bend the rules to accommodate the bad behaviour of one of them.

I am with your partner on this, my son was also abandoned by his dad after a considerable level of nastiness, if I had gave DS a get out of card on the basis of that I don’t know where we would be these days.

Believe it or not, children feel more secure and happy when they know what are rules and that the rules would be applied consistently and fairly. Bending the rules is worse than having no rules, it just confuses the child further and increases their insecurities.

I agree with this. Your partner sounds like he loves you and it must be so hard to see your son treating you the way that he does. I'd find it difficult not to jump in and defend you. Maybe it's worth looking into counselling together where you could have a professional guide you both in how to handle your respective relationships with your son.

Momijin · 17/12/2021 16:14

We each parent our kids how we feel is right. I parent my kids differently to my friends and family. I wouldn't take kindly for people to interfere. If I ask for help or advice (which I have done, especially when my eldest hit teens and changed personality overnight) it is different.

I've gone through some difficult times with my kids and I've tolerated a lot of things which my parents and siblings wouldn't, but I was raised very strictly and don't want my kids to feel they way I did.

Everyone will have opinions. OP is a grown adult and able to parent her children how she thinks is best. All her partner is doing is adding to her stress and not helping.

Holly60 · 17/12/2021 16:16

You are the only one who gets to decide how to parent your child. He does it your way or not at all

ESGdance · 17/12/2021 16:21

@thegenieisout

Yes my Partner intervenes when my son gets verbally abusive or defiant refusing to do as he is asks. He intervenes gently as a support to me. I find his tone is a bit off though. He can definitely be a bit harsh in his tone.

How does your assessment that he intervenes gently square with your OP where you describe the intervention as:

“Lately my partner almost jumps in when my son asks any question or behaves on a difficult way. He speaks to him in a formal way whereas he does not speak to
My other children not his or our nieces and nephews in the same way. I believe that he doesnt like him .
He can be critical, nit pick but mostly as a negative, his tone and abruptness pisses me off.”

Which one is it? Do you feel it is one thing and your partner tells you it’s another?

ChargingBuck · 17/12/2021 16:31

I believe that he doesnt like him
But you still keep him around?
If a bloke treated my dog the way yours treats your son, I'd sack him off without a qualm.

I addressed this last night. He listened but was clearly pissed off that I had pulled him up on it as he feels that he tries to dominate the home and me essentially.
It's good you spoke up - but you haven't addressed it.
Your man is not happy, & I very much doubt his behaviour around your son will change. So nothing is addressed, is it?

Interesting that he feels your boy is trying to dominate the home, & you.
I'd say a boyfriend who dislikes my son & takes an arsey attitude, & interferes with my parenting style is the one who is looking to dominate.

I can't believe you are still seeing this guy. He's horrible to your son. He thinks he knows better than you how to handle him. I bet DS's behaviour would improve if you got shot of the man who is critical, nit picking & negative to him.

Original poster

thegenieisout · 17/12/2021 17:07

Lots of differing views here which will
Make me think. The fact is that my son IS rude, verbally aggressive and defiant and as an op pointed out; just like his dad.
My partner is overstepping in that he has no permission or authority to step in and correct him or 'parent' him. That stops now .
I just want support. Someone to have my back and back me up, yet when my. Partner does thatI get very defensive and
Protective. It's definitely complicated.
I'm doing the parenting thing and he is in therapy.
My son is bullying me if I am to be honest but he is also the sweetest most sensitive little boy and my partner attests to that.
Whichever pp said that it upsets my
Partner to see my son speak and treat me like shit, is right.
Lots to think about tonight and thank you all.

OP posts:

sadpapercourtesan · 17/12/2021 17:09

Don't whatever you do tell him he's just like his father, even if it's true. That's a horrible burden for a child to carry and it won't help.

Best of luck to you

ESGdance · 17/12/2021 17:09

@ChargingBuck

I believe that he doesnt like him But you still keep him around? If a bloke treated my dog the way yours treats your son, I'd sack him off without a qualm.

I addressed this last night. He listened but was clearly pissed off that I had pulled him up on it as he feels that he tries to dominate the home and me essentially.
It's good you spoke up - but you haven't addressed it.
Your man is not happy, & I very much doubt his behaviour around your son will change. So nothing is addressed, is it?

Interesting that he feels your boy is trying to dominate the home, & you.
I'd say a boyfriend who dislikes my son & takes an arsey attitude, & interferes with my parenting style is the one who is looking to dominate.

I can't believe you are still seeing this guy. He's horrible to your son. He thinks he knows better than you how to handle him. I bet DS's behaviour would improve if you got shot of the man who is critical, nit picking & negative to him.

I agree with this and maybe as a family the emotional investment should be on you both as a unit - you did well to get your DC away from his abusive DF - you have done well to get him into therapy - but the next few years of healing through his teenage years will determine his MH, emotional and social behaviour and consequently his life path.

He is still injured and hurting from his DF. He is in equivalent of emotional intensive care.

Don’t let anyone compromise his recovery. You are not parenting a normal teenager right now - but a traumatised child. It’s a very different approach to come through this successfully - partners zero tolerance, hostile approach will have huge echos of his DFs abuse for your son. It will disproportionately impact him negatively.

Keep him away. Your instinct is 100% spot on. Choose who’s needs you prioritise over the next few years

notacooldad · 17/12/2021 17:25

The fella isn't even your partner. He doesn't live with you and you see him a couple of times a week and he comes in like Billy Big Balls to throw his weight around to your son.
It sounds like your son is challenging and going through a rough time with his behaviour and you are copping it from him. However this behavioiur will be made worse by your boyfriend telling him what to do. Your son is getting outside support which is good. What he also needs is consistent and firm boundaries with appropriate consequences. Your lad is not daft. He maybe a pain in the arse at the moment but he knows he is being treated different to the others and this will only escalate his behaviour.
You are allowing things to get worse by letting a bloke your lad hardly sees or knows act in such an authoritan way.

NowEvenBetter · 17/12/2021 17:28

Not that the word means anything, but he is not a ‘partner’, he’s your boyfriend, just keep him separate to your kids, haven’t they suffered enough trauma from men already?

Wolfiefan · 17/12/2021 17:32

Sounds like your child is behaving extremely badly and your partner doesn’t like that. Don’t blame him TBH.
You need to explain to your partner how to support you without stepping in and trying to parent.
But you do need to deal with this behaviour. Don’t justify is as due to “trauma”. Be kind but also clear and consistent. Your child needs boundaries.

TheCreamCaker · 17/12/2021 17:37

If your bloke doesn't even live with you, he's got no business at all to have any say whatsoever in the way your child is being raised. You're the parent.

PlanetNormal · 17/12/2021 17:47

Your partner is definitely overstepping boundaries in a big way. He isn’t your son’s father, but he is behaving as if he is a particularly strict father and at 12 it is completely normal for the boy to resent this. Soon, he will enter puberty and his tolerance for his mum’s boyfriend telling him what to do will only decline further. If this pattern continues, a physical confrontation is inevitable.

You need to tell your partner to back right off, now.

Cheerbear24 · 17/12/2021 17:56

It’s none if his business and he has no right to interfere.
However the fact that your partner keeps speaking out and pulling your DS up on behaviour should give you a reason to question if what you’re doing to address your sons defiance and agression is enough? Or you need to look at other strategies?