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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel like partner is too strict on my child .

110 replies

thegenieisout · 17/12/2021 14:29

My 12 year old can be rude, cheeky and defiant.
He can be quite territorial regarding me also.
I love him so much but understand that he to some, is unlikeable.
I am doing some parenting work on myself and he is receiving counselling for his behaviours since dad abandoned him, as he sees it.
My partner is kind, understanding and good with kids. He is a very involved father and uncle.
However, he does not let my son away with anything whereas I choose my battles always taking into account my child's history of f trauma.
My partner agrees that he needs gentle parenting but thinks that my son has a fool made of me and there's no excuse for disrespect and rudeness. My son thinks he has equal rights to me as his parent and adult.
My sister and friends have said that same as my partner, for context.
Lately my partner almost jumps in when my son asks any question or behaves on a difficult way. He speaks to him in a formal way whereas he does not speak to
My other children not his or our nieces and nephews in the same way. I believe that he doesnt like him .
He can be critical, nit pick but mostly as a negative, his tone and abruptness pisses me off.
I addressed this last night. He listened but was clearly pissed off that I had pulled him up on it as he feels that he tries to dominate the home and me essentially. My partner feels that he is being supportive. I feel he is being needlessly critical.
I am historically defensive when it comes to y son as he has been the subject of nastiness and aggression, criticism and verbal abuse from my exh so I know I can be overly protective.
As I said, we've started therapy.
Thoughts please?

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 21/12/2021 07:52

I am sorry but you can't have it both ways.

You say your 12 year old son is rude and defiant and seems to think he has equal rights and say as you his mother.

You say you want your partner to back you up when you try to discipline your son but then don't like it when he does.

He is allowed to dislike your son - especially if your son acts in such an unpleasant way - he won't have the unconditional love you have for him.

But you need to decide whether you do want him to back up discipline and calling out your son's behaviour or not. You can't expect it on one hand and then resent it on the other.

Branleuse · 21/12/2021 17:04

I think its quite a cliche for a man to come into the house and start criticising the oldest boy that isnt his own child. It often happens even when its a perfectly nice kid. Some sort of animal instinct.
If he was living with you and you felt like it was from a place of love and wanting to help mentor him i think youd know and have a better feeling about it

Branleuse · 21/12/2021 17:06

@SeasonFinale

I am sorry but you can't have it both ways.

You say your 12 year old son is rude and defiant and seems to think he has equal rights and say as you his mother.

You say you want your partner to back you up when you try to discipline your son but then don't like it when he does.

He is allowed to dislike your son - especially if your son acts in such an unpleasant way - he won't have the unconditional love you have for him.

But you need to decide whether you do want him to back up discipline and calling out your son's behaviour or not. You can't expect it on one hand and then resent it on the other.

Well no hes not allowed to actively dislike her son and discipline him. You cant effectively discipline somebody you dont like or care about as a person

aSofaNearYou · 21/12/2021 18:22

Well no hes not allowed to actively dislike her son and discipline him. You cant effectively discipline somebody you dont like or care about as a person

I think you've missed the point of that comment. OP says she wants him to have her back and help her with her son, but also that she feels defensive when he does so. It sounds like a conflict of interests, I was thinking just the same tbh.

ESGdance · 21/12/2021 18:46

“Lately my partner almost jumps in when my son asks any question or behaves on a difficult way. He speaks to him in a formal way whereas he does not speak to
My other children not his or our nieces and nephews in the same way. I believe that he doesnt like him .
He can be critical, nit pick but mostly as a negative, his tone and abruptness pisses me off.
I addressed this last night. He listened but was clearly pissed off that I had pulled him up on it …..,, I feel he is being needlessly critical.”

It’s quite straightforward to me. The OP LEADS her parenting as informed by her instincts and the input/guidance she has from professionals for the specific contextual needs of this child.

Her BF BACKS HER UP in the moment and adopting the same style/tone and approach that she has chosen to lead with.

That’s not happening in the behaviours outlined above.

aSofaNearYou · 21/12/2021 19:40

*It’s quite straightforward to me. The OP LEADS her parenting as informed by her instincts and the input/guidance she has from professionals for the specific contextual needs of this child.

Her BF BACKS HER UP in the moment and adopting the same style/tone and approach that she has chosen to lead with.

That’s not happening in the behaviours outlined above.*

No, but he's not a saint and he's living with a child whose behaviour is appalling. I think it's pretty understandable.

The above is the ideal but a lot to ask in the circumstances.

Cimone · 21/12/2021 22:23

This is the problem with mothers. You baby your sons. Stop it. Step back. Your son is being abusive TO YOU! Being disobediant, defiant, cutting up, not doing as he (a child) is told, throwing fits, and acting a zip damn fool. You are lucky to have a male who is strong in his life who is NOT going to let him grow up to be a complete fool. Instead he is reigning him in "man style" which is totally preparing him for the world. Mommy won't be there to coddle and protect him his entire life, he needs to start learning how to MAN UP right now at age 12. He is only going to be a kid another 6 years, and the way you are going, you would allow him to be an out of control idiot that no girl will want to date or marry, and no boys will want to be friends with either.

Nothing this man is doing is abusive. He talks to YOUR son that way because YOUR son is the only one of the children cutting up!!! You didn't make that connection? If the other children do not talk or act like your son, there would be no reason for him to speak to them harshly.

Lady, stop interfering. Sit down with your son and tell him that he is headed to his teens and being a young man. Yes he had trauma, but being corrected firmly in a strong tone of voice is not abuse, it male checking another male. Stay out of it unless he starts cussing at your kid, calling him names, or putting his hands on him. You acknowledged that the guy is a good man, so why do you think you need to interfere when he is just trying to show your son how to be a good solid man in control of his feelings and actions?

More single moms need a man like that to help raise their sons. Maybe then we wouldn't have so many abusive, non-working, shiftless men out here in the world.

ScaredOfOverDiagnosis · 21/12/2021 22:27

14:29thegenieisout

Your partner has no right to interfere.
He's a bully.
You set your boundaries with your own kids and ask the one that is playing up to keep up with the counselling.
Your partner needs to keep his beak out.
You'll lose your son otherwise..

notacooldad · 21/12/2021 22:31

No, but he's not a saint and he's living with a child whose behaviour is appalling. I think it's pretty understandable.

But he's not though. He sees the kid once or twice a week.
I dont think many young people who are struggling after being verbally abused, criticised and humiliated by their father are going to come away unscathed emotionally. Often this then manifests as a behaviour issue. The child has poor role model in his father and no doubt sees this boyfriend as repeating his father's behaviour, especially as it is evident he is not liked and treated different to other children in the family.

Icenii · 21/12/2021 22:45

Your family doesn't sound ready for a blended family. Can you dial if back a bit or put it on hold for a while? This isn't because I think your DP is over stepping the mark, it's because you and your DS need more time.

When and if a DP moves in with you, or you in with them, they should be able to have a reaeonable voice in parenting, and you need to be on the same page. As the partner I would have doubts about parenting with someone who excuses poor and potentially abusive behaviour regardless of the previous history.

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