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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out DP cheated on his ex…whilst she was pregnant

136 replies

StayOrLeave2123 · 14/12/2021 23:20

Name changed for this one.

I have recently found out that the reason my DP and his ex wife split up was because he cheated on her. To make things worse, she was pregnant at the time. It happened over 10 years ago and he has said he was completely ashamed and she didn’t deserve it…but I just can’t get it out of my head.

I’d would absolutely love to have DC at some point and hoped that would have been a possibility with DP. I feel like this has changed everything though. I can’t help but think about the possibility that he could do it again.

Is it easier to walk away than always have it on the back of my mind? I’m early 30s and after a string of shit relationships, I really thought this one would stick. What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Esspee · 14/12/2021 23:22

Move on frankly.

AnotherMansCause · 14/12/2021 23:24

I couldn't relax knowing that. Pregnancy is a worrying, tiring enough experience anyway TBH.

Foxandbee · 14/12/2021 23:25

My ex partner confessed the same thing to me early in our relationship. Guess what? He cheated on me. This could be a case of him showing you who he is.

PermanentTemporary · 14/12/2021 23:27

I'd... be pretty worried about that.

Has he talked properly about it, why he did it, what would be different now? Is he a good and active father? Can you talk to his ex?

BurntO · 14/12/2021 23:28

No one accidentally cheats, especially not while their partner is pregnant. I could never have a child with him

Journeynotdestination · 14/12/2021 23:31

My ex admitted to cheating on his wife. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to understand his reasons. He cheated on me. I’d never date or get involved ever again with a cheater. Cheating on someone who is pregnant is particularly vile and shows a massive lack of integrity and empathy.

Original poster
StayOrLeave2123 · 14/12/2021 23:36

@PermanentTemporary

I'd... be pretty worried about that.

Has he talked properly about it, why he did it, what would be different now? Is he a good and active father? Can you talk to his ex?

He basically said that they’d been through a rough time (trouble conceiving), that their relationship wasn’t great etc. All the typical excuses I guess. He does say that she absolutely didn’t serve it, that he regrets it hugely and wouldn’t ever want to put someone else through that.

He’s never given me any reason to doubt him in our relationship so far, but hearing this has made me question everything.

He’s a good dad, his ex moved away (understandably now), shortly after the baby was born but he sees the DC most weekends. I’ve not met his ex but I can’t help feeling sorry for what he put her through. I’m so torn.

OP posts:
Christoncrutches · 14/12/2021 23:43

Did he tell her at the time or did she find out?

Mumof3confused · 14/12/2021 23:49

I would not be able to get past that.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2021 23:53

What's that expression again...? Oh yeah, "Forewarned is Fair warned."

You've been warned.

Original poster
StayOrLeave2123 · 14/12/2021 23:59

@Christoncrutches

Did he tell her at the time or did she find out?
I’m not sure, I guess I need to ask more questions. I was just a bit taken aback when he told me. I didn’t really know what to say.

Lying awake just thinking about it. We’ve so much stuff planned for over Christmas and into the new year. I’ve met his DC and we have such a lovely time together. Had I not known about it, I’d never have doubted us. I just couldn’t bear it if he did it again further down the line having known about his past. I think I know what I need to do but it’s so bloody hard.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2021 00:00

If you have a baby with him you'll spend nine months feeling so vulnerable and overthinking that it will be toxic. I know I would, anyway. It would take away from what should be a really exciting time. I know I couldn't do it.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2021 00:05

It's very odd that he would tell you this.

LondonSouth28 · 15/12/2021 00:22

Run. While your partner feels retrospective guilt he made the conscious decision to cheat on his pregnant wife. At best we could say he has poor impulse control and poor judgement. Reality, he's selfish, a liar, has no respect or care for the sanctity of his family and is happy to make unilateral decisions that horrifically impact innocent peoples lives for ever.

And this whole 'our relationship wasn't great' - I bet that's not how she saw it, it's a classic cheater line.

Now he's told you and your posting on here, you know it's dead in the water now, cut your losses and move on.

I wonder if the ex wife ever posted on Mumsnet when he cheated on her while she was pregnant?!

Sidehustle99 · 15/12/2021 00:34

So you know he cheated on his pregnant wife. Do you know if that was the only time he cheated. Do you know how long for. Do you know if he confessed or was found out. Did he start a relationship with the OW?

You need much more information. However I really feel that once someone has cheated they have already shown that partnerships/marriage don't really mean anything to them. I have known several cheaters male and female and they have all done it over and over again.

I think it's mostly about opportunity and once you have lived with the guilt it mustn't seem like that big a deal.

MsDogLady · 15/12/2021 04:12

It takes an especially low person to betray and humiliate his pregnant wife. There she was expecting their baby after suffering the stress of infertility, and he chose to make a fool of her with his deception and sexual incontinence.

What he did came from a massive sense of entitlement and a deficit of empathy and integrity. My trust and respect for him would be plummeting to zero, so I would walk away.

RIPIgglePiggle · 15/12/2021 04:40

I don’t think everyone who cheats necessarily does it again. I cheated in an emotionally abusive relationship which became physically abusive. I don’t regret it for a second it gave me the strength to leave and we are now engaged with a baby. But it was a specific circumstance and I’d never do it again. Also being the person I cheated with my partner understands all the circumstances. There are no questions to ask because he knows all the answers.

Cheating in pregnancy on his ex who by his own admission did not deserve it is difficult to reconcile though. I’m not saying people can’t change especially after ten years but this is an enormous leap of faith and I would be sorely tempted to walk away. Ask questions, take your time and think carefully before going any further

RedWingBoots · 15/12/2021 04:42

@Aquamarine1029

It's very odd that he would tell you this.
This

You need to dump him as he's softening you up to cheat on you if things become "difficult" in your relationship.

Do not get pregnant when you are with this man.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 15/12/2021 04:54

Jesus. I'd walk away, no question about it.

AskAda · 15/12/2021 04:58

The fact they were having trouble conceiving a much wanted and longed for child suggests that sex was more than regular and also that having a baby was not a priority for him. There is a lot more to read between the lines here than he's just cheated. I would avoid personally.

spotsbeforetheeyes · 15/12/2021 04:58

I don’t think everyone who cheats necessarily does it again.

No. But it does give you a strong indication of how a person copes with stress or challenges. If their go-to coping mechanism has been to seek comfort with a new person, they need to acknowledge, address and consciously break that pattern.

Otherwise, when the next challenge comes in life, they'll be tempted to seek the same coping mechanism if they haven't been proactive in changing their thinking and habits.

Chocaholic9 · 15/12/2021 05:04

I once went out with someone who confessed this to me. He showed me who he was very early on and I wish I had heeded this warning. I didn't. That relationship turned into an abusive one.

I think people can be divided into 2 camps. Those who will cheat, lie and trample over others to get what they want and those who won't. Your partner is in the first camp so you can expect he will behave this way with you, too. You may be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't occur, but then you won't ever know because he's a liar.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/12/2021 06:47

People do make mistakes and can change so I wouldn’t Chuck him automatically, but I would put the breaks on so you can work through it, and satisfy yourself it won’t happen again.

Eeedee · 15/12/2021 08:48

My husband had two long-term affairs during our marriage. The first of which started during pregnancy. He would categorically say he regrets it and I didn't deserve it, and I believe him. However, that doesn't make him trustworthy or mean that he won't do the same to the next woman. Knowing he has fucked up doesn't mean he has changed or sorted his shit out. Change is very very hard and takes a lot of work, and not all men are willing to put in the graft. I'm betting your DP has a large dose of self pity to go alongside the regret he has for hurting his wife.

Avarua · 15/12/2021 08:55

When somebody tells you who they are, listen.

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