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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out DP cheated on his ex…whilst she was pregnant

136 replies

StayOrLeave2123 · 14/12/2021 23:20

Name changed for this one.

I have recently found out that the reason my DP and his ex wife split up was because he cheated on her. To make things worse, she was pregnant at the time. It happened over 10 years ago and he has said he was completely ashamed and she didn’t deserve it…but I just can’t get it out of my head.

I’d would absolutely love to have DC at some point and hoped that would have been a possibility with DP. I feel like this has changed everything though. I can’t help but think about the possibility that he could do it again.

Is it easier to walk away than always have it on the back of my mind? I’m early 30s and after a string of shit relationships, I really thought this one would stick. What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Pamsresearch · 15/12/2021 08:58

Why has it come up now? Have you been taking about babies and this is his way of telling you he's not the man for you...?

Icecreaminwinter · 15/12/2021 09:06

You could give him the benefit of the doubt and hope it was a one off but you would never trust him.

Fireflygal · 15/12/2021 09:12

recently found out.. reason my DP and his ex wife split up was because he cheated on her

I think he's told you now because he feels secure that you are now invested on the relationship. Why didn't he tell you before you met his Dc?

If his wife separated because of the affair it suggests he has minimised his behavior during and probadly post discovery of the affair. A pregnant woman is at her most vulnerable time yet he will have deceived her, left her to be with OW, spent money on OW because he wanted attention. If she had posted on MN what would your opinion be??

How old is he? How long have you been together?

Could this have been a one off?? I really don't think so. Pregnancy after trying to conceive should have been a joyful time yet he choose to seek comfort from someone else. At best it makes him a weak man and they are never a good bet.

Winniemarysarah · 15/12/2021 09:17

@Foxandbee

My ex partner confessed the same thing to me early in our relationship. Guess what? He cheated on me. This could be a case of him showing you who he is.
Same. Mine cheated on his ex, ended up cheating on me when I was 8 months pregnant and gave me a particularly nasty std which could have harmed our baby. Op you seem to be focusing on the fact that he’s being apologetic, saying she doesn’t deserve it and he’s so ashamed etc. Just making all the right noises basically. What else would you expect him to say though? ‘Yeh I couldn’t give two shits about my pregnant wife and unborn child, it was more important to get my willy wet, she totally deserved it’? I think you need to pull your head out of the sand and see him for what he truly is. My guess is that he’s telling you now because he’s knows what he’s done is fucking horrendous, and because you’re starting to get closer to his family it’s only a matter of time before you would have heard it from someone else anyway. By telling you first he’s managed to control the way it’s been broken to you (it sounds like he’s actually managed to make you feel sorry for him, the poor wee lamb feeling so horrendous for throwing his dick up a piece of strange and destroying his wife and forcing his child to grow up in a broken home before it’s even been born, ffs) 🙄 what a catch you’ve got there op
NoCauseRebel · 15/12/2021 09:18

Ultimately only you can decide. How long have you been together and how did it come up.

Reality is that people do cheat, sometimes they do it again, but it really isn’t true that someone who cheats once will go on to do so again, although I do understand that cheating on someone during pregnancy is on another level.

Interestingly I know two people who this happened to. The one was a guy at work who when I started there I quite fancied, until someone told me that he’d cheated while his wife was pregnant, his wife did in fact give birth a few weeks later so it had been pretty recent.

So I was fairly surprised when he got together with a friend of mine shortly afterwards, especially given her first husband had done exactly the same to her.

However, they went on to get married, and were married for 25 years until he sadly died two years ago. I have no idea what the details of his affair were, but I do know that he didn’t cheat again, and that they had a happy marriage.

The other one was my DP’s BIL, who cheated on his SIL while she was pregnant. There is no question his behaviour was horrible during the time, he went around flaunting the other woman e.g. at the church they were part of, until the pastor announced casually that he, and his wife, (the actual wife not the OW,) needed to be congratulated on their pregnancy. He never came back to the church after that little bit of stirring. Grin

But she did go on to have the baby, and he married the OW, and they’re still married about 15 years later, have more children, and she and the OW even have a decent relationship.

I would want to know how all this came about, and I would want to give it some thought. But I wouldn’t necessarily bin him because of it.

Heepers · 15/12/2021 09:21

I wouldn't normally say LTB but in this situation I probably would. Cheating on your pregnant wife is just the absolute pits.

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/12/2021 09:25

My ex husband cheated on my while I was pregnant. He says it was a kiss, I will never know for sure so had to treat it as though he had slept with her. I decided to stay as I just couldn't see any other way being 7 months pregnant and with a toddler.

Fast forward 10 years and he had a proper affair. I don't think he intended to hurt me either time and was very regretful when found out both times but this is his pattern of behaviour and I have now accepted that this won't change. I think some people will cross that line and some won't but if a man can cross it during pregnancy when their partner is at their most vulnerable and should feel most safe and protected then they can do it at any time. Crossing the line the second/third/fourth time becomes easier when you've done it once.

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/12/2021 09:27

(He also cheated on the OW after a couple of years from what i can gather...my heart bled obviously).

StayOrLeave2123 · 15/12/2021 09:34

We were having a conversation about exes, just about things that have happened, bad first dates that have happened etc and cheating came up. I don’t remember who exactly raised it but he told me he’d cheated once…then I asked the questions and it came out. I don’t think he’d have told me otherwise.

Really appreciate all the comments. I’m under no illusions that what he’s done is horrendous. If a friend had told me the same thing about her dp, I’d tell her exactly the same as you’ve all said here.

We’ve not had issues with trust etc in the 18 months we’ve been together but I just don’t think I can deal with the niggling doubt.

OP posts:
Sonaftersonafterson · 15/12/2021 09:39

I knew a guy who cheated on his pregnant wife (already had 2 kids). Of all the aresholes I met, he was the one who absolutely lacked ANY empathy. Utterly self centred. A man who can do this is not someone you will ever feel fully safe with.

Mumoblue · 15/12/2021 09:44

I’d be concerned that you’ve been together 18 months and he’s only now told you about it.

EmmasMum12 · 15/12/2021 09:46

Why did he tell you?

StayOrLeave2123 · 15/12/2021 09:56

@EmmasMum12

Why did he tell you?
I honestly don’t know.

In the last few months we have spent more time together, met each others families etc just generally become closer I suppose. I think he possibly just wanted to be honest about it when it came up.

I don’t think he thought about the implications of telling me. I was a bit speechless when he told me. I left the next morning without saying much and haven’t seen him since. Will get more answers tonight.

OP posts:
Swisscheeseleaves · 15/12/2021 09:58

I would leave. I could never trust someone who i knew would cheat on his pregnant partner.

Momijin · 15/12/2021 09:59

One ex tried to cheat with a friend whilst I was in hospital pregnant.it takes a special kind of jerk to cheat on a pregnant partner. She was probably not giving him enough attention due to being pregnant and so he cheated.

I think some people can cheat once and never cheat again, but when it's your pregnant wife, it really shows his character.

billy1966 · 15/12/2021 10:09

Oh OP,

That is so disappointing for you.

It really is a scummy thing to do.

Unfortunately it would change utterly how I would view him.

Trust is so fundamental to a relationship, when it's gone, it's gone.

Was he married when he did this.

That poor woman, going through the horror that is IVF and for him to betray her, so awful.

IVF is so hard.

Unfortunately this tells me when things get tough, he is not to be relied upon.

Try and imagine the grief of his ex.

She sounds like a strong woman.
She didn't accept his shit behaviour and moved on.

You deserve better.
He isn't a good enough man for you.Flowers

Double3xposure · 15/12/2021 10:19

@Avarua

When somebody tells you who they are, listen.
This.

So he cheated on her while was was pregnant AND had a?? Toddler. You mentioned children not child so I’m assuming that this was while she was pregnant with their second or subsequent child.

Has he explained where he was when she was at home, pregnant , caring for their young child and his penis accidentally fell into another woman ?

He’s warning you that he’s man who copes with stress by shagging other women then lying about it. And he’s telling you this so you know that’s what will happen to you if you don’t keep him sweet all the time.

I’m also confused about his comments that “ she didn’t deserve it “. Under what circumstances would it be reasonable to cheat on your pregnant wife - what would she have to do to deserve it ?

madisonbridges · 15/12/2021 10:26

I’m also confused about his comments that “she didn’t deserve it “. Under what circumstances would it be reasonable to cheat on your pregnant wife - what would she have to do to deserve it ?

Saying " she didn't deserve it" just means "I was in the wrong". It doesn't mean she didn't deserve it in that instance but she might in another. Stop trying to parse people's words.

StayOrLeave2123 · 15/12/2021 10:28

It was whilst pregnant with their first and only child.

I think he said ‘she didn’t deserve it’ as a way of explaining himself. She absolutely didn’t deserve it, no mater the state of their relationship.

He has in the past (before this came out) said that it wasn’t a great relationship, that she didn’t get along with his family and stopped him from seeing them. Still no reason to cheat though is it. I suppose I should have listened to what he was telling me earlier in the relationship.

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 15/12/2021 10:32

Op, he definitely duid the wrong thing no excuse fir cheating in my book - but people can do something wrong and then never repeat their mistake. It might have been a sobering experience for him and he realises he doesn't want to be that person.
So I wouldn't automatically condemn him. However, I would also know that he has been capable of cheating in the past and just because he can change doesn't mean he has. Ultimately no one on here knows him or the circumstances so only you can judge if he's trustworthy or not.

StayOrLeave2123 · 15/12/2021 10:37

@madisonbridges

Op, he definitely duid the wrong thing no excuse fir cheating in my book - but people can do something wrong and then never repeat their mistake. It might have been a sobering experience for him and he realises he doesn't want to be that person. So I wouldn't automatically condemn him. However, I would also know that he has been capable of cheating in the past and just because he can change doesn't mean he has. Ultimately no one on here knows him or the circumstances so only you can judge if he's trustworthy or not.
This is it. I’m on the edge of ending something that, up until now, has been great. I just can’t reconcile if it’s worth the forever wondering what if, if he isn’t home on time, or something stressful happens in our lives.
OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 15/12/2021 10:39

You need to do more talking before you take the relationship any further, but don't discount it yet. I know I was a completely different person at aged 20 to what I was at age 30, and different again from 30 to 40. 10 years is a long time.

madisonbridges · 15/12/2021 10:42

You've only just discovered this info so maybe you should not make any quick decisions but listen to what he has to say and have a good think about the situation.

madisonbridges · 15/12/2021 10:43

10 years ago? Oh I missed that. My goodness, you change so much in 10 years. How old was he when this happened?

EmmasMum12 · 15/12/2021 10:45

This is so difficult for you OP. He may genuinely feel deep remorse and will never ever cheat again.

Have you considered couples counselling?