Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Found out DP cheated on his ex…whilst she was pregnant

136 replies

StayOrLeave2123 · 14/12/2021 23:20

Name changed for this one.

I have recently found out that the reason my DP and his ex wife split up was because he cheated on her. To make things worse, she was pregnant at the time. It happened over 10 years ago and he has said he was completely ashamed and she didn’t deserve it…but I just can’t get it out of my head.

I’d would absolutely love to have DC at some point and hoped that would have been a possibility with DP. I feel like this has changed everything though. I can’t help but think about the possibility that he could do it again.

Is it easier to walk away than always have it on the back of my mind? I’m early 30s and after a string of shit relationships, I really thought this one would stick. What would you do in my position?

OP posts:

Rocaille · 15/12/2021 11:31

People can change for the better after infidelity, but it's really hard, so most don't bother. Signs of a real desire to change are taking some years out from relationships/sexual liaisons to reflect and grow, addressing addictions, undertaking therapy, and making substantial changes to one's behaviour around the opposite sex.

Original poster

StayOrLeave2123 · 15/12/2021 11:33

In no way am I defending him, but I think ‘she didn’t deserve it’ was a poor choice of words on his part. He wasn’t insinuating that in certain circumstances it’s okay to be cheated on.

I need to speak to him and understand more about what happened I think.

OP posts:

Allsortsofroses · 15/12/2021 11:35

The only person who's going to give you the true story is his ex, but I'm guessing you can't have that kind of cobversatij with her, even off the record?

Original poster

StayOrLeave2123 · 15/12/2021 11:42

@Allsortsofroses

The only person who's going to give you the true story is his ex, but I'm guessing you can't have that kind of cobversatij with her, even off the record?

I’d love to. I just don’t think the situation would ever come up where I could do that unfortunately.

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 15/12/2021 11:49

Once a cheat, always a cheat. Eventually the leopard will find some excuse to revert to its ways.

OogieBoogiePoinsettiaPlant · 15/12/2021 12:09

Did he elaborate on the cheating? I.e. A drunken one night stand which he regretted instantly or a full on affair that lasted months with a friend/work colleague. Neither is right but at least the one night stand you can say that perhaps he learned his lesson and wouldn't repeat that again but a full on affair where he knew exactly what he was doing...yeah that would be hard to get over.

NotVictorianHonestly · 15/12/2021 12:15

If TTC battered their relationship enough to make him cheat on her when pregnant, I don't fancy his chances of staying faithful through the stress of the baby and toddler years. It's a wonderful time, but also a very stressful one that puts a lot of pressure on even the best relationship

downtonupton · 15/12/2021 18:12

Blimey - bloke did a shitty thing over 10 years ago to someone and the pitch forks are out.

if you believe that he is contrite, sorry and will never hurt you - then stay. He didn't cheat on you.

He fucked up and did a horrible thing to someone who didnt deserve it. But he is 10 years older, has been honest with you, been a good father, never given you reason to doubt him. So accept that he is sorry and move on.

If you can't get over it then save both of you a load of heartache and finish things. You will obsess and worry and never quite trust him and chip away at the relationship until you split

Personally I did some horrible things when I was younger and would not dream of doing them now. I did cheat on an ex - have not cheated on DH. But 10 years older and a better person.

Mirrorxx · 15/12/2021 18:18

I don’t understand the part of how his ex didn’t deserve to be cheated on. Does anyone deserve to be cheated on?

Summergarden · 15/12/2021 18:31

Would it be worth speaking to his ex if possible, to see what her take on it is?

Of course, she may not want to speak to you about it at all, but it’s understandably bugging you so you haven’t much to lose by asking her. I’d ask if her recollection of the circumstances matches the explanation that he gave you (to check if he’s lying about any of it to make him look better) and also ask if she thinks he seems to have changed in a good way in the last 10 years ie, matured.

Hattiehoops · 15/12/2021 20:38

I think this completely depends on the individual. Some people are just bad eggs with no conscience or empathy and others simply make a terrible mistake. I cheated on my ex in my mid-twenties, right at the end of our 5 year relationship. I’d never cheated before and believed myself to have solid morals. I can hand on heart say I’d never, ever do it again. He never found out, but we split anyway as I realised the reason I’d cheated was that I was unhappy in the relationship and felt that we were completely disconnected and not really ‘together’ anyway (or this is what I told myself.)

I’d never been so disappointed in myself, I don’t even see that person who cheated as the same person I am now. I can’t imagine ever jeopardising my current relationship in the same way so I think some people do have the capacity to learn from mistakes and change.

Lockdowninfinity · 15/12/2021 20:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

seventyminutes · 15/12/2021 21:01

Op, it would knock me sick it would, I've had a similar thing happen where I found out my current partner ended up sexting his ex finances friend a month before their wedding and I was wrecked from finding out about it. Even thought it was in his past it haunted me and I was considering leaving. But there's much to consider here, you don't know peoples stories. All people hear is the cheating.

Also, i have also cheated myself. My daughter was a year old. It changed me as a person. As much as I don't regret what I did, it changed me because I was in a situation and put up with a situation for so long that it caused me to go against my own morals. I've got to deal with that for the rest of my life. But when I looks back at the situation I was in, I don't regret it one bit because I was in pain. Not that pain ever justifies it.

I know deep down I would never do anything like that again. Again, if I was to ever say to someone that I cheated on my ex partner that's all they would hear. They wouldn't know how much of a desperate situation I was in back then. My relationship with my ex was abusive. I was very young and naive to think I wasn't important.

You don't know how much it had affected him back then, the aftermath of it all. How much it might have changed him. What you do know is your relationship now. That's all that matters here. Give it time. When I found out about the pre wedding sexting it took me up until about now almost two years down the line for my anxiety to settle about it enough to let it go. It's a long time. But you might get there. Give it time. I wish you all the best OP I know how hard it is

LadyExpecting93 · 15/12/2021 21:15

I'm Pregnant and would never in a million years forgive my DP for cheating on me at the moment. Even pregnant I'd leave.

LadyExpecting93 · 15/12/2021 21:15

@Aquamarine1029

It's very odd that he would tell you this.

Maybe she knew she'd find out eventually- maybe from Ex partner? Better to come clean I suppose.

CheshireKitten123 · 15/12/2021 21:44

IMO, OP, what your DP has just done is given himself a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card.

So, in the future, if you were pregnant and he did decide to cheat on you, he could say to himself "well I did tell her I'd done it before, so she knew what I'm like and she chose to stay with me, so it's her fault"

Don't go there OP.

SmallBoyFury · 15/12/2021 22:22

@CheshireKitten123

IMO, OP, what your DP has just done is given himself a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card.

Don't go there OP.

That’s actually a really good point.

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2021 22:55

@CheshireKitten123

IMO, OP, what your DP has just done is given himself a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card.

Don't go there OP.

I don’t think this is necessarily true. He’s said he realises it was a horrible thing to do, he’s not giving himself a get out of jail free card. But whatever happens the op can’t have a child with him without counselling, where he has it explained to him pregnancy is a hormonal and emotionally and physically difficult time, so there is an added stress for the op knowing that while she struggles through this, that the last time someone was growing his child he went and slept with other people. That he would need to be understanding not defensive of insecurities, that if he thinks it’s the right time to strike up a new friendship with the attractive new 23 year old woman in his department that it’s irrelevant whether it’s innocent or not, it’s not fair on the op and he should expect to be dumped. That he shouldn’t expect to go on 3 day stags during that period Etc etc. and if that’s too much to ask then he should pack his things as it would be too hard and too much risk for the op to have a family with him.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 15/12/2021 23:00

Do you know more about the actual cheating? I think that’s somewhat relevant. An affair? A friend? A one night stand? Months of lying!?

Knowing context will say more about him than the actual ‘cheating’.

I do believe people can change and I also think we are not the exact same person with every relationship.

I also think there is also a world where he might want to prove he’s changed by not cheating on his pregnant partner. If he is contrite and seriously regretful of course.

But, if he cheated by sleeping with his exes friend for months in end, then no, obviously that would make him an utter cunt.

You need context.

htfdth · 15/12/2021 23:08

I married a lovely man.. or so I thought. His son aged 18 years later told me he'd cheated on his mum hence their divorce.. my husband denied this and dismissed his sons words. Guess what he did the same to me when my own children were just 4&5.. I then went on to find out he even re l-connected with the women he cheated on with his ex wife. Run, run fast, take it from someone who learnt the hard way.

Tippytaps · 15/12/2021 23:12

There is cheating and then there is betraying your most beloved person at a time when she is most vulnerable and especially reliant on your steadfast constancy.

There is cheating and there is shitting all over those newborn baby memories with heartbreak and postpartum depression.

weddingdilemmma · 15/12/2021 23:22

He does say that she absolutely didn’t deserve it

Even just this statement is a red flag. You've mentioned a couple of times that he's said it. To me, nobody evert deserves it. So the fact that he's going on about how she didn't deserve it, suggests that in some scenarios cheating would be justified or "deserved"?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/12/2021 23:23

I dont know OP. Yes a lot of men seem to be serial cheaters. But you look at some other cheating threads on here and you get a lot of people admitting to cheating in the past in a different relationship and they still feel shit about it and say they haven't done it since and wouldn't do it again.

I think it depends on a few things as well as to how I'd view it. Was it a drunken one night thing or a full blown affair? Did he tell her or did she find out somehow? What has he learnt from it and what would he do now if the relationship went through difficult times (which all relationships do) He clearly regrets it and isnt coming out with a load of excuses (I dont think 'she didnt deserve it's is that bad, compared to the typical 'she was so wrapped up in the baby's shite, I'd actually take that as him admitting fault).

Ultimately we don't know if he falls into the once a cheater always a cheater camp or the people can learn from their mistakes camp. You know him best.

KOTBgal · 15/12/2021 23:25

I think that one of the frightening and sad aspects about this thread is how common it is for men to cheat on their pregnant partners.
According to research, 1 in 10 men cheat while their partners are pregnant. Apparently the baby is some sort of perceived threat and the man is jealous of the attention the female receives. Combined with changes in sexual routine, men feel less attractive………………

SarahDarah · 16/12/2021 00:34

@StayOrLeave2123 bear in mind a lot of cheats don't get caught. He could cheat on you in the future and you'd be none the wiser despite having your sexual health put at risk by him.

Of course your relationship is currently going well - you're still in the honeymoon period and presumably there's no significant stresses. That's not always going to be the case though and what this man has shown is that he has form for betraying his intimate partner (and not just any girlfriend,but someone he explicitly chose to MARRY and commit to ) in the worst way possible when he's feels things are going through a rough patch. To be honest I dont think I would be able to get past this myself.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6