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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found out DP cheated on his ex…whilst she was pregnant

136 replies

StayOrLeave2123 · 14/12/2021 23:20

Name changed for this one.

I have recently found out that the reason my DP and his ex wife split up was because he cheated on her. To make things worse, she was pregnant at the time. It happened over 10 years ago and he has said he was completely ashamed and she didn’t deserve it…but I just can’t get it out of my head.

I’d would absolutely love to have DC at some point and hoped that would have been a possibility with DP. I feel like this has changed everything though. I can’t help but think about the possibility that he could do it again.

Is it easier to walk away than always have it on the back of my mind? I’m early 30s and after a string of shit relationships, I really thought this one would stick. What would you do in my position?

OP posts:

gonnabeok · 17/12/2021 09:53

Good for you OP, never ignore your intuition and stand your ground.As you said there are other red flags too. Be prepared for his invite to his party party. You're definitely doing the right thing.

gonnabeok · 17/12/2021 09:54

Pity party it should say.

ValerieCupcake · 17/12/2021 10:00

My friend's husband cheated on her in both her pregnancies. The first time was a one night stand with a woman from work on a Christmas night out. The second time was an affair with the 22 year old babysitter. She came on to him at a barbecue and he used to go and visit her at university.

Then he bought a house with another woman behind his wife's back. When it fizzled out, my friend had him back "for the sake of the children" who are now old enough to leave home.

They still live together in the same house, not divorced, but living their own lives but not being open about it. She had to go to A&E the other week and he took her. She says it's like being in a student house.

She bought him out at the time he left, and the house is in her own name with his name not on it. However he won't leave - he says he is entitled to half the house. They just "rub along".

Double3xposure · 17/12/2021 10:05

@jackiebenimble

Its a sad world if no-one is ever allowed to make a mistake.

Provided he is regretful and has worked on himself i wouldn't split over this no.

It not about being “allowed to make mistakes”. . Everyone does.

But others are allowed to make their own decisions too.

Momijin · 17/12/2021 10:07

Might not seem like it but it is the best xmas present. You have very strong boundaries which is great. I'd probably have been weaker and excused it. I excused a lot of things when I was younger that I wouldn't excuse now.

CheshireKitten123 · 17/12/2021 10:12

Madison Bridges

"@CheshireKitten123. How do you know he hasn't applied some introspection and has now understood why he did what he did and, what triggered it. In that way he will have the ability not to do it again?"

Because if that was true he would have conveyed that info to the OP and reassured her.
Instead we get his 'pity party' that's all about him, about how 'she didn't deserve it' and how ashamed he is.
He's trying to make out he's a victim to engender sympathy.

OP is sensible not to fall for all this.

Rock on OP !

AnFiaRuaNua · 17/12/2021 10:14

Yes I'd worry that he's telling you who he is. Or it's leaking out. Even if he doesn't even realise that himself.

Later on if he cheated on you he could sit there thinking ''she knew who I was, the nerve of her being so indignant that I've done something wrong''

Original poster

StayOrLeave2123 · 17/12/2021 10:30

Don’t get me wrong, he has tried to reassure me, very much so. I just don’t think I can spend the next however many years wondering what if.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 17/12/2021 10:34

Any man can cheat. But I suppose somebody who has already cheated would be more likely to cheat again.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 17/12/2021 10:41

Anyone can cheat, you're right.. but I don't align to the 'once a cheat, always a cheat'. There are lots of people out there that have done things they know are wrong or that they shouldn't have down, regret it and never ever do it again.

But sometimes people really do learn from their mistakes... My Mum cheated on my Dad, and I really do know she considers it THE worst mistake of her life and that she'd never ever do it again. She'd rather walk over hot coals or stick forks in her eyes than cheat on anyone again.

Momijin · 17/12/2021 10:47

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

I think it is because she was pregnant. His wife was vulnerable, growing his child, sacrificing herself, and that wasn't enough to stop him?

People have exit affairs or affairs when the relationship is going badly and that needn't be replicated if in another happy relationship. But she was pregnant. Anyway, it has made op realise that there are other red flags

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