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Original poster

Found out DP cheated on his ex…whilst she was pregnant

136 replies

StayOrLeave2123 · 14/12/2021 23:20

Name changed for this one.

I have recently found out that the reason my DP and his ex wife split up was because he cheated on her. To make things worse, she was pregnant at the time. It happened over 10 years ago and he has said he was completely ashamed and she didn’t deserve it…but I just can’t get it out of my head.

I’d would absolutely love to have DC at some point and hoped that would have been a possibility with DP. I feel like this has changed everything though. I can’t help but think about the possibility that he could do it again.

Is it easier to walk away than always have it on the back of my mind? I’m early 30s and after a string of shit relationships, I really thought this one would stick. What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Original poster
StayOrLeave2123 · 15/12/2021 10:47

He was late 20s. He’s had a 4-5 year relationship since and as far as I’m aware - no cheating.

OP posts:
Greenfields124 · 15/12/2021 10:49

I would ditch him personally.
Relationships can be really hard, especially when you have a baby all the sleepless nights the exhaustion.
I think it's easier to have someone you feel you can trust.
I would question the timing too, I think it's something he should have disclosed to you before you met his kids, because it's very much a deal breaker for some people.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/12/2021 10:49

You are right to be questioning things. I’d think much less of him. The relationship wasn’t great yet he was activity trying to conceive then cheated presumably knowing she’d end it so he didn’t have to.
I’d also worry about the didn’t deserve it comments - so you’ll deserve it if you are ill and unable to have sex.
I’d also worry that he ran from a child - he’s never had to be a full time day just a weekend Disney dad.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/12/2021 10:52

I wouldn't finish things over this, personally. It was scummy, but then, I've done some wrong things myself in the past and now look back and cringe. I don't believe that many people are irredeemable on the basis of cheating in one past relationship. We all have our red lines and for me it would be violence. Every relationship is different. There isn't a rule book about what you have to dump someone over.

Also it's possible there is a reporting bias on here in that we all remember the serial cheats, but not so much the ones who learned their lesson and didn't do it again. In fact, we might well not hear about them because people often keep that information private.

If you've got a good relationship now, I would not throw that away over this. A good relationship is precious.

SinoohXaenaHide · 15/12/2021 10:55

He might well have learned his lesson and ve a good bloke now. Certainly we all make mistakes and god knows I made a few terrible ones in my 20s. But I wouldn't be conceiving any kids with this man. If you want kids of your own, move on. Or stay with him and be a brilliant step-mum but give up the dream of further kids. It's not that it would definitely all fall apart, but the risk that it would is too great.

SmallBoyFury · 15/12/2021 10:56

I’d walk away.

At one time in his life, he thought that was the right thing to do. I think his morals then were at such a low line, I wouldn’t be able to accept that he’d ever be able to change. I also wouldn’t allow me/my future baby to be the guinea pigs.

Is he using the phrase “she didn’t deserve it”? That’s another odd one. On what basis would a woman deserve to be cheated on?

user1469544430 · 15/12/2021 10:56

What I find weird is the way he says 'she didn't deserve it' as if there is a scenario when someone does deserve to be cheated on.... Might say a lot about underlying attitudes to women.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/12/2021 10:58

Everyone has a past and everyone has made mistakes. But there are always consequences.
Has he ever sought counselling? It sounds like he has a self destructive element to his personality which is worrying.
I'm not sure I could put this behind me tbh

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 15/12/2021 10:58

Imagine the state of you mh if you got pregnant...

CandidaAlbicans2 · 15/12/2021 11:00

He basically said that they’d been through a rough time (trouble conceiving), that their relationship wasn’t great etc. All the typical excuses I guess

What I'd want to know is what reflection he's done in the 10 years since that means he won't be in that situation again. I'd want to know what coping mechanisms he now has to deal with stress in relationships so he doesn't look outside a relationship for comfort. Also, I'd want to explore why he stayed in a poor relationship and went along with IVF rather than end it. If he hadn't analysed his behaviour, and learned from it, I wouldn't trust him to stay faithful if he was in a similar situation again. Let's face it, relationships tend to go through bad patches and I'd want to be able to trust a partner wouldn't take the easy, cheating, option to cope.

CheshireKitten123 · 15/12/2021 11:03

OP,
You have been given the gift of a crystal ball, please use it.

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2021 11:05

What happens if you get pregnant and he cheats? Does he then get to use the gotcha 'but you knew i couldn't control myself when my wife was pregnant'? Do you trip over yourself the entire pregnancy trying to make sure he is happy and satisfied despite how you might be feeling? Do you put up with other behaviour to ensure he doesn't leave you?

He ran away because he didn't like the idea of responsibility. Him telling you now might be the first step of abdicating responsibility again.

He spent how much effort and stress getting his wife pregnant? Yet he says the relationship wasn't great. Errr right. He lied to his wife and acted in a cowardly manner. He is abdicating responsibility here by saying the relationship wasn't great.

The trust would be gone for me. The idea of spending the entire time im pregnant looking over my shoulder or wondering who he is messaging on his phone or who hes meeting when I'm not with him would drive me mad. It would damage the relationship which then 'wouldn't be great'...

Ditch. Its a deal breaker.

He's not said how it ended with his wife. Did he get found out? Did he end it and go off with women he cheated with? Etc etc. He's given you enough info to let you stew and tbh you don't 100% trust what he said and are already wondering what the ex wife thinks.

The fact you haven't yet met the ex doesnt help. You probably should be at that point by now if its serious.

wishymore · 15/12/2021 11:09

I would never ever date someone who’s cheated. I did. I dated someone who’d cheated on his fiancée after 5 years together when they went through a rough patch. He treated her like crap and said oh she didn’t deserve it, I’ve changed, blah blah guess what? He did the EXACT same thing to me at the 5 year mark. The first time we hit issues that meant a dry spell in sex because I was poorly, he cheated. The issue with cheaters is why did he do it? She was pregnant, wasn’t getting sex, wasn’t numero unero..,didn’t like it so found attention elsewhere. Right now you shag him everytime you see him right? What happens if you don’t for months because you’ve got horrendous pregnancy sickness or you’re poorly or working away? A guy like this isn’t trustworthy because his ego and self esteem is tied up in sexual interest from females. Any female. Has he had a years worth of weekly therapy to unpick why he did it and work on it? What has he actually done to change his behaviour apart from hook up with you, a youngster who has no ties and lavishes him with sex and attention? It’s all about him right? Do you ever tell him no? Have you said no to sex when you see him? Just maybe things to think about.

wishymore · 15/12/2021 11:10

Then why did his 4-5 year relationship end? Who ended it? Him? Lack of sex and he dumped her? You need more answers before you hook your future into this guy

Original poster
StayOrLeave2123 · 15/12/2021 11:14

In terms of how it ended - I think they were on/off during the pregnancy (understandably!) then after the baby was born they stayed together for about 6 months. His account is that he left, she didn’t want it to end. How true that is I just don’t know. I knew about the on/off and him leaving before the cheating came up….just didn’t know why.

I’ve not met the ex as I’ve not been as his house during handover. He usually picks DC up while I’m working. I don’t stay at his during contact time - just day trips etc up until now.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayOrLeave2123 · 15/12/2021 11:16

@wishymore

Then why did his 4-5 year relationship end? Who ended it? Him? Lack of sex and he dumped her? You need more answers before you hook your future into this guy
Ironically…she was texting someone else.
OP posts:
Lorw · 15/12/2021 11:16

Not a hope in hell would I continue this knowing that information, sorry OP. I know it’s easier said than done.

They went through infertility (this is one of the hardest things a couple will ever go through) and when they finally conceived and she’s carrying his child he then goes and slips up into someone else’s vagina - they say a leopard can’t change it’s spots, I’d say in most cases that is incredibly true. He’s told you who he is, and pregnancy should be an exciting time, not looking over your shoulder worrying, it would ruin it and you don’t deserve that.

lilmishap · 15/12/2021 11:17

So why did you think they'd split up before he told you?

Original poster
StayOrLeave2123 · 15/12/2021 11:20

@lilmishap

So why did you think they'd split up before he told you?
He said that having the baby had put additional strain on an already struggling relationship. Which of course is true, it’s always going to. He just ran though basically didn’t he.
OP posts:
MsFogi · 15/12/2021 11:21

"she didn’t deserve it…" OP do you think your DP thinks cheating is okay if his wife/partner does something to 'deserve it'?
I would not be able to get past this, cut your losses before you have children with this man. 99.999% chance he will do the same to you and, either way, you'll always have the doubt.

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2021 11:21

@StayOrLeave2123

In terms of how it ended - I think they were on/off during the pregnancy (understandably!) then after the baby was born they stayed together for about 6 months. His account is that he left, she didn’t want it to end. How true that is I just don’t know. I knew about the on/off and him leaving before the cheating came up….just didn’t know why.

I’ve not met the ex as I’ve not been as his house during handover. He usually picks DC up while I’m working. I don’t stay at his during contact time - just day trips etc up until now.

Ivf 'on and off' and 'she was texting someone else'

BULLSHIT.

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2021 11:22

Things aren't adding up here.

Rocaille · 15/12/2021 11:22

Why does he keep saying 'she didn't deserve it'? That seems like an odd thing to say. Is he trying to be magnanimous?

LilaBellaRose · 15/12/2021 11:22

I did some pretty awful stuff involving affairs and cheating 10 years ago. Some of what I did stilk makes me feel physically sick now. I know I have matured and changed a lot and would never repeat those mistakes. My partner knows my past, I got with him whilst technically still with another partner too so he’s had to put a lot of trust and faith in me. Only you know your partner, none of us giving advice do. I know I’ve changed and could never do what I did, living with the guilt nearly broke me but I know its effected those I impacted directly even more.

Regularsizedrudy · 15/12/2021 11:25

I think if he said it was ten years ago and he was a different person and he’s changed so much etc I would find that a lot more convincing than “she didn’t deserve it”… like there are circumstances when people deserve to be cheated on Hmm

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