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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

overcome with rage, advice please

122 replies

polkadotty2 · 12/12/2021 11:26

DH and I just had a row (over something very trivial but the way he behaved triggered me to see red).

He was sitting on the sofa, playing on his phone with his laptop switched on and TV in the background, probably waiting o have breakfast together. (He knows that I hate how much time he spends on screens).

I come downstairs, asked what he'd like for breakfast, he was too engrossed in the game and didn't give me a straight answer. I do a quick tidy up/clean and put together a quick breakfast - made a smoothie for each of us, yoghurt etc and laid out bread/bagels for him if wanted. He decides he wants eggs and rather than thanking me for what I did make him decides to tell me I could have made eggs etc in this time as he was work to do.

I get frustrated at not being appreciated (have work of my own to do this AM), tell him if hes got time to watch TV and play games in the morning hes got time to make his own eggs and go upstairs to the study with my smoothie.

All very minor, I clearly needed some space to get some work done on my laptop and come down when I'm ready. All he needed to do was respect that and apologise for not being grateful.

Instead he starts to physically drag me away from my laptop which really irritates me, I have to shout to get him to stop using his strength. This suffocation makes me want my space/an apology even more. Insists on making me eggs despite me telling him I really don't want that, guilt trips me that if I don't eat them itll have to go in the bin. (I really hate waste so get more worked up and tell him to please not make me any, if he really wants to help, I could do with a glass of water).

I wish I had stayed calm but recognise I am shouting at this point, its his defensive nature that's getting my back up. Anything I say is met with "no, i didnt say/do that" etc.

I try and do some work but of course he's made the eggs I really didn't want (the smell makes me feel more queasy, I take it back down to the kitchen, he tells me his conscious is clear).

What a silly trivial argument but its ruined our Sunday. Its the using his strength against me to force me away from my desk, not listening to what I have to say, not apologising for being ungrateful or for sitting in front of all those screens and taking me for granted expecting things done for him then not listening, trying to force me to eat something I really didn't fancy and threatening me it would go in the bin otherwise... all of these things got me frustrated and made me shout.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I am sat at my desk, upset, unable to be productive. I know my behaviour was probably worse than his (he didn't shout) but the reason I felt so angry and frustrated is because of the way he chose to behave in the first place. What a mess. I don't find it difficult to apologise but I know he will only see what I have done wrong and not himself and not change his ways.
Sorry this was so long (and so petty).

OP posts:
RoastedParnsip · 12/12/2021 11:29

Leave. He sounds abusive.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 12/12/2021 11:30

LTB - he is controlling and physically abusive to you.

FortunesFave · 12/12/2021 11:31

Why are you normalising him being so abusive!?

bonfireheart · 12/12/2021 11:34

This is so awful.

SpringSparrow · 12/12/2021 11:34

It’s him not you. He dragged you away from your laptop, that’s abusive. He could have told you what he wanted for breakfast, he didn’t. He could have thanked you for making breakfast, he didn’t.

DecayedStrumpet · 12/12/2021 11:39

No, this is all kinds of fucked up, and you're very much not in the wrong.

What has happened to you previously in life to make you think that your partner physically dragging you anywhere is acceptable? Shock

Original poster
polkadotty2 · 12/12/2021 11:42

Whilst I think he is in the wrong, "abusive" seems a bit much.
He's not much of a talker as he is a doer. He probably was only trying to pull me away from the desk so he can give me a cuddle, take us both downstairs and avoid the unnecessary argument / strop. I wonder if he recognised he was in the wrong hence why then offering to make eggs/breakfast for us both.

We generally have a good marriage. He's a rather calm, chilled person. Doesn't ever get worked up (which works me up more). I sometimes get frustrated and shout when I feel I am not being heard/ or he is just being defensive. He does generally treat me well and we do normally work well as a partnership.

Of course I have only told you all about a negative thing, an argument thats happened today, so I don't quite intend to "LTB" but I can appreciate why you have said that based on this thread alone. I would really appreciate helpful advice from you wise lot as to what to do next to prevent this sort of this happening again. (We are mid 30s, been together many years but married for just 2)

OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 12/12/2021 11:42

You're mutually abusive, him physically and you emotionally. No one should have to put up with that kind of behaviour.

CorrBlimeyGG · 12/12/2021 11:45

Advice? Learn what a healthy relationship looks like. You started out looking for an argument, and he reacted aggressively.

Mumoblue · 12/12/2021 11:47

The fact that he feels entitled to “drag” you anywhere is a major red flag.
Also what the fuck, why couldn’t he have just made his own breakfast without making it a big production? I’d get rid. Do you guys have kids?

whitehorsesdonotlie · 12/12/2021 12:00

He sounds absolutely horrible. Is he usually like this? Dragging you away from your laptop, not listening to you, gaslighting - yuk.

M0rT · 12/12/2021 12:08

I am sometimes a bitch but my DH has never tried to physically move me unless it was to prevent a fall or being knocked over.
If he tried to drag someone he wasn't in a romantic relationship with to where he wanted them to be it would be called taking by force and result in a prison sentence.

RoastedParnsip · 12/12/2021 12:13

So dragging you about is normal? Hmm You both sound abusive to each other, not a normal healthy marriage at all.

sleepymum50 · 12/12/2021 12:18

As someone who has been married much longer with a husband who is ‘never in the wrong’ I think you are very wise to recognise this and seek a solution.

I would suggest reading up on the many, many books and articles that are available.

There are always trigger points in a marriage and the wise learn how to negotiate thru these.

Off the cuff I would say that you probably need to try and restrain any shouting as that will put you on the wrong foot. From your post he does sound like he was the dick and It would have riled me.

Perhaps try and let it go at the time, then when things are calm and he’s chilled discuss it rationally. Perhaps keep a journal of these events - so you can see if there are any common factors at play. Relationship counselling isn’t only for people breaking up.

For what it’s worth, my husband makes his own breakfast.

Mix56 · 12/12/2021 12:22

Hes completely out if line.
Ignoring you
Snobbing your breakfast
Manhandling you
Forcing you to eat food you dong want

Why are you covering up & back peddling this appalling behaviour

tobedtoMN · 12/12/2021 12:26

OP : describes a situation that makes my jaw drop.
PP : that's physically abusive, how can you not see this?
OP : oh actually he's a calm, lovely person and we have a great marriage.

FFS I despair sometimes.

He was 'using his strength' to force you to do something! If this situation can arise over something so minor then you are in a very toxic situation.

  1. normal people don't lay out that sort of breakfast for their DH
  2. well done for sticking up for yourself that he can make his own eggs.
  3. everything he did after that - so so wrong.
GalaPie · 12/12/2021 12:27

It stopped being trivial fairly early on in proceedings.
I'd nip it in the bud - but once someone's used physical force there's usually only one way of nipping it in the bud before we get to bruises and dislocations and worse, and that's ending the relationship and any contact.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/12/2021 12:29

Physically laying hands on you like that is abusive.

The behaviour over breakfast is peak arsehole.

The forcing you to eat food you don’t want is controlling.

It doesn’t sound like you have kids, so if it were me I’d be seeing a solicitor on Monday. I wouldn’t want to be married to a man like this. If you don’t want to do that, I’d insist on counselling and I’d read up on controlling and abusive behaviour.

1Ta1T · 12/12/2021 12:36

Clearly not a good morning!

Is this out of the blue or have things been heading that way for a while? I ask because I wonder whether that could help you work out how to proceed now, because just pretending it did not happen is NOT the right course of action.

If it is out of the blue and you feel normally you can talk to each other, I suggest you find a good moment to ask the "how and why did that deteriorate so badly" question (ie an open question that apportions no blame) and listen calmly and carefully to what he says while staying calm but also not allowing yourself to be fobbed off. If that conversation goes badly too, I wouldn't get into a shouting match but explain that the things that were said nd done crossed some red lines for you and you want to discuss that calmly when he is ready because it is not going to go away.

PerseverancePays · 12/12/2021 12:41

Marriage counselling so you can both learn to communicate better. He needs to hear your frustrations and you need to hear his.

ExplodingCarrots · 12/12/2021 12:45

I can see your back peddling now OP , but what did you expect to hear from posters ? If my DH dragged me away from my desk he'd be out on his arse .

tobedtoMN · 12/12/2021 12:46

@PerseverancePays joint counselling is NOT advisable when there is abusive behaviour in the relationship.

Original poster
polkadotty2 · 12/12/2021 12:46

Thanks everyone and in particular @sleepymum50.
I've read and will take on board what you've all said.

I am certainly not claiming to be perfect and do have insight in that shouting is not helpful and I am not proud of it. The bizarre thing is that outside of this relationship I too am a very calm, level-headed person and nobody outside of this marriage would know I can be like this. I think I shout at him out of frustration and desperation, it doesn't last long and I remove myself out of the situation straight after/during this outburst of anger. I know I shouldn't, even as I am doing it and hence walk away in the process.

At this stage, I want to try to make things right, be able to talk about it and him understand where he has gone wrong too in order to prevent it getting to this stage. He is in another room. It is always me approaching him first to make amends which in itself is frustrating. I am not sure how to approach this to 1) ofc acknowledge what I did wrong and apologise but from my point of view more importantly 2) make him realise where he went wrong, for him to be able to listen, understand and apologise so that we don't end up in this position again.

OP posts:
Rangoon · 12/12/2021 12:51

No man has ever dragged me anywhere and I can't imagine that being physically dragged would ever defuse an argument for most women. This is really weird. In fact, he sounds like an absolute bullying idiot.

Mix56 · 12/12/2021 13:11

Why do you think you should apologize?
Other than raising your voice?
It sounds like he completely takes your efforts for granted, its not surprising you get frustrated.
He never makes the peace,
You are running about trying to make him happy, & he is taking you for a fool granted

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