overcome with rage, advice please

[polkadotty2]

DH and I just had a row (over something very trivial but the way he behaved triggered me to see red).

He was sitting on the sofa, playing on his phone with his laptop switched on and TV in the background, probably waiting o have breakfast together. (He knows that I hate how much time he spends on screens).

I come downstairs, asked what he'd like for breakfast, he was too engrossed in the game and didn't give me a straight answer. I do a quick tidy up/clean and put together a quick breakfast - made a smoothie for each of us, yoghurt etc and laid out bread/bagels for him if wanted. He decides he wants eggs and rather than thanking me for what I did make him decides to tell me I could have made eggs etc in this time as he was work to do.

I get frustrated at not being appreciated (have work of my own to do this AM), tell him if hes got time to watch TV and play games in the morning hes got time to make his own eggs and go upstairs to the study with my smoothie.

All very minor, I clearly needed some space to get some work done on my laptop and come down when I'm ready. All he needed to do was respect that and apologise for not being grateful.

Instead he starts to physically drag me away from my laptop which really irritates me, I have to shout to get him to stop using his strength. This suffocation makes me want my space/an apology even more. Insists on making me eggs despite me telling him I really don't want that, guilt trips me that if I don't eat them itll have to go in the bin. (I really hate waste so get more worked up and tell him to please not make me any, if he really wants to help, I could do with a glass of water).

I wish I had stayed calm but recognise I am shouting at this point, its his defensive nature that's getting my back up. Anything I say is met with "no, i didnt say/do that" etc.

I try and do some work but of course he's made the eggs I really didn't want (the smell makes me feel more queasy, I take it back down to the kitchen, he tells me his conscious is clear).

What a silly trivial argument but its ruined our Sunday. Its the using his strength against me to force me away from my desk, not listening to what I have to say, not apologising for being ungrateful or for sitting in front of all those screens and taking me for granted expecting things done for him then not listening, trying to force me to eat something I really didn't fancy and threatening me it would go in the bin otherwise... all of these things got me frustrated and made me shout.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I am sat at my desk, upset, unable to be productive. I know my behaviour was probably worse than his (he didn't shout) but the reason I felt so angry and frustrated is because of the way he chose to behave in the first place. What a mess. I don't find it difficult to apologise but I know he will only see what I have done wrong and not himself and not change his ways.
Sorry this was so long (and so petty).

Some people are unable to have “normal” relationships and sounds like your husband might be one of them. You will not be able to work out why he does these things. You will not be able to make him see things from your point of view. You will not be able to reason with him. You will not be able to change him.

If he’s just walked out of your relationship after one conversation he either doesn’t value your relationship or you nearly enough to stay with him OR he’s done it to wrong foot you so you accept responsibility then apologise then grovel for him to come back.

This may seem like the worst thing that’s ever happened but it actually a great opportunity. Take some time for yourself, maybe do some reading (Why Does He Do That? Etc) and think about counselling to help get things straight in your mind before you accept him back into your life.

I could not disagree with you more @Ariann

You are hurting now.
You need time to digest & think.
Do not stay up all night crying & worrying
Lock the door, leave the key in the lock. turn off your phone.
He is counting on you calling & begging.
The chances are he will come apologising, & make empty promises.
Unfortunately he is who is.
It's part of the cycle of abuse
Take your time, speak to people in real life, & stop dancing to his tune.

Your first post is so upsetting.

You didn't do what he wanted so he physically dragged you from what you were doing so he could force you to watch what he thinks you should have done for him and his conscience is clear? He's bullying you into compliance. You'd probably start asking him what he wants for breakfast everyday because you don't want a repeat but he doesn't care as long as he gets what he wants. It's chilling.

He's left now so you have time to tie yourself up in knots because he knows you will take responsibility for what happened so things can go back to the status quo and he can continue putting you down and forcing you to change in ways you can't really explain but don't feel like you are yourself.

It's likely he will come back expecting you to apologise so things can go back to normal. It's up to you whether you would be happy with that.

Google “coercive control”. Get yourself educated. You are in an abusive relationship even if you can’t accept that right now.

@polkadotty2

What do you all suggest I do next? As I have said upthread, at this moment in time I am not planning on "LTB".

(Of course, if my feelings change/things deteriorate then I may have to consider it in the future but at the moment, I am not taking the decision to have got married lightly and I suppose only I know how I feel overall in this relationship all things considered and at the moment I want to try to resolve these issues)

But why should he 'resolve' the issues?

He has no need to when you want to apologise when he's treated you badly.

If my DH had cooked something I had expressly said I didn't want, he'd have watched me bin it straight away.

He's got it all his own way. (I wouldn't have done a breakfast like that for the lazy git, either)

Cross posting.

He's punishing you.
Be ready for him to point out, when he comes back, just how wrong you've been towards him.

You haven't.

He can't see what is wrong with ignoring you, trying to make you eat something you didn't want, trying to drag you physically away so that you would do what he wants? Then maybe he needs time on his own to think about it, or maybe even to get some counselling.

If he does try to come back, please make it clear it's a no-no unless he fully understands and acknowledges what he did wrong, and means it.

Of course his conscience is clear. In his mind you are endlessly provoking him to be upset and to pull you around by your not mind reading his wants, not jumping to service them, not changing your breakfast plans on the spot to align with his new plan, by not apologising for not doing all these things etc etc.by not being a perfect subservient robot really.

Wow, well done. Be careful now though - chances are he'll try to talk you round. I strongly suggest you write down a list of his problematic behavior to you - for yourself, I don't necessarily mean for the thread. When you feel yourself weakening and remembering the good times and missing him, go back and read the list. I'm guessing there's a lot more than you said in your first post.

He's not a good 'un, OP. Life doesn't have to be like this.

I can’t really get past the breakfast you laid out for someone who can’t be arsed to say what they want, or even if they had said to be honest! I expect that this is why he is mainly calm - everything literally on a plate for him.
But today I get the impression that whatever you laid out he would have wanted something different. Is this due to a specific bad mood or is he often contrary to stamp a bit more of his authority on you in case you forget he is king and ruler? Though anyway again it’s all rubbish behaviour that is all about him, and nothing about you.
The whole relationship sounds dire, and general build up of frustration probably leads you to shout - don’t let that be the focus of the next conversation- there will be one as I would put my house on him returning, probably when you text an apology or your concern at where he is - if you hold out he will stamp back in eventually expecting you to have learned your lesson. Not all abuse leaves bruises though it often builds up to that.
Take care OP.

OP,

You badly need to speak to Women's aid to gain perspective on this shit show of a marriage.

That you think him putting his hands on you and dragging you is acceptable is very sad.

He ignores you to get you back in line.

Make NO mistake, you are in an abusive relationship.

Please do not have children with this man.

If you do, they and you will have DV statistic written all over you both.

This is NOT a man to have a future with.

Reach out to Women's aid for a frank and honest chat about where you are.

I honestly just get baffled reading these posts.

You think your partner is 'chilled out and calm' when he physically dragged you away from your laptop and forced you to eat eggs you said you didn't want?

If that happened to me just once, I'd be packing my bags.

Are we sure he’s not got a lover? Mate of mine had a husband who appeared to have checked out of the marriage and then …

You haven’t just ended your relationship, you are not being as accepting of his aggressive behaviour. Hopefully he will be gone long enough for you to realise how toxic your relationship dynamic is.

The fact you rationalised his inexcusable physical aggression, shows just how normalised your unhealthy relationship dynamic has become.

You keep saying ‘I want to fix’ it but you can’t on your own and your H has shown no indication that he understands, let alone cares to understand, his culpability. He sees this as a powerplay, one he has no intention of losing.

Please, please, please get outside support. Realising you are in a relationship with someone who sees your wants and needs as inferior, is a lonely and scary place.

OP, I know you don't want to hear this but if he's left, that is a win for you.

Let me tell you, briefly, about SIL. Like you, his behaviour would drive her to shout and say things that genuinely weren't okay. Of course, what that meant is that every time he did something wrong, the moment she reacted, it would immediately be forgotten why she was upset in the first place. So.... he would have an issue with her going out to see people, whinging and complaining, until eventually she would snap and then he would mope around about how mean to him she was. On one occasion, they were arguing and he pushed her over the back of a chair. But again, it was her fault because she had been shouting at him. He would be off work for 4 days in a row, do nothing in the house, eventually, she'd lose it and yell at him and he'd tell her that she was abusive.

She has wasted nearly 15 years on this man, has 2 DC and the process of separating is so difficult now.

He ignored you when you offered breakfast. He blamed you for not reading his mind. He physically assaulted you to make you come back to the kitchen. He tried to force you to eat something you did not want to eat. He punished you further by refusing to engage with you. he is a horrible, abusive man and you will be better off with out him.

Of course, he's only left because he wants you to feel so guilty and sad that you will beg him to come back, accept all responsibility etc. And he will then have successfully further trained you to do what he wants, when he wants, at all times.

Please don't do that.

Oh, and take a look at this "quiz" on the women's aid website: I think you will find it startling.

Couples can get themselves in a real mess when there is a stand-off on both sides, but really if your partner genuinely thinks there is nothing about his behaviour in this instance that he needs to apologise for, then really you are faced with a choice between being a doormat or being without him. I would though give him a bit of time to see if he can come to his senses...some people come to the boil quickly and go off it as quickly, but some need time and distance to realise what's what.

@polkadotty2 I hope you’re alright, I’m sure all our reactions will have given you food for thought and maybe even some ideas for moving forward. Please look after yourself (and not him) 💐

He's a spoilt selfish brat and a bully to boot.

You will never have reason with this man, why would a bully wish to become resonable.

This way is perfect for him and even with all that perfection he still has to be a twat to you. He holds all the power and the best thing is he has you thinking you are the abusive, unreasonable one.

If only you could work this out you say to yourself, make him understand.

He knows love, he knows full well.

He just enjoys being a cunt to you, it gives him pleasure seeing you powerless, humiliated, hurt and pathetic. It's going to get worse.

I'm sorry it's horrible realising someone you love is an unkind and uncaring person, but this is his true nature.
You are not at fault, he's horrible.

What have I just read?! I once finished with someone who barricaded me into a room by standing in front of the door so I couldn't go home. Dragging you out of a chair? Jesus wept! Get rid. This relationship is making you into a person you don't want to be.