overcome with rage, advice please

[polkadotty2]

DH and I just had a row (over something very trivial but the way he behaved triggered me to see red).

He was sitting on the sofa, playing on his phone with his laptop switched on and TV in the background, probably waiting o have breakfast together. (He knows that I hate how much time he spends on screens).

I come downstairs, asked what he'd like for breakfast, he was too engrossed in the game and didn't give me a straight answer. I do a quick tidy up/clean and put together a quick breakfast - made a smoothie for each of us, yoghurt etc and laid out bread/bagels for him if wanted. He decides he wants eggs and rather than thanking me for what I did make him decides to tell me I could have made eggs etc in this time as he was work to do.

I get frustrated at not being appreciated (have work of my own to do this AM), tell him if hes got time to watch TV and play games in the morning hes got time to make his own eggs and go upstairs to the study with my smoothie.

All very minor, I clearly needed some space to get some work done on my laptop and come down when I'm ready. All he needed to do was respect that and apologise for not being grateful.

Instead he starts to physically drag me away from my laptop which really irritates me, I have to shout to get him to stop using his strength. This suffocation makes me want my space/an apology even more. Insists on making me eggs despite me telling him I really don't want that, guilt trips me that if I don't eat them itll have to go in the bin. (I really hate waste so get more worked up and tell him to please not make me any, if he really wants to help, I could do with a glass of water).

I wish I had stayed calm but recognise I am shouting at this point, its his defensive nature that's getting my back up. Anything I say is met with "no, i didnt say/do that" etc.

I try and do some work but of course he's made the eggs I really didn't want (the smell makes me feel more queasy, I take it back down to the kitchen, he tells me his conscious is clear).

What a silly trivial argument but its ruined our Sunday. Its the using his strength against me to force me away from my desk, not listening to what I have to say, not apologising for being ungrateful or for sitting in front of all those screens and taking me for granted expecting things done for him then not listening, trying to force me to eat something I really didn't fancy and threatening me it would go in the bin otherwise... all of these things got me frustrated and made me shout.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I am sat at my desk, upset, unable to be productive. I know my behaviour was probably worse than his (he didn't shout) but the reason I felt so angry and frustrated is because of the way he chose to behave in the first place. What a mess. I don't find it difficult to apologise but I know he will only see what I have done wrong and not himself and not change his ways.
Sorry this was so long (and so petty).

I just want this situation to be over. I am sure he probably is being productive downstairs as is better able to compartmentalise than me. I also know if I go down to talk about it he will make me listen to how my behaviour was appalling etc which it was but I know this, I just need him to take ownership of his actions too. I need him to understand that all he needed to was to be appreciative, either ask if I would mind making eggs too and if I didn't feel up to it then to accept that without question knowing I don't owe him that and make it himself then I wouldn't have walked off, and if for whatever reason I did and if he must follow me then to use his words to be affectionate/ resolve it/ ask me to come back downstairs etc rather than manhandle me to force a cuddle or physically make me move, it doesn't resolve anything and just makes me more frustrated and controlled.

How is she abusive? Shouting at him? Fecks sake when I was in an abusive relationship I shouted because I was so gas lighted and emotional I had no rational response to a situation in which I felt wronged. He was always calm and I shouted because he was a controlling wanker who hurt me.

Just the fact that he forced you to eat food you repeatedly said you didn't want.
You said you didn't want eggs, (you would have made them already)
Obviously you should have chucked them in the bin.
You "lovely" husband, is not

@Mix56

Why do you think you should apologize? Other than raising your voice? It sounds like he completely takes your efforts for granted, its not surprising you get frustrated. He never makes the peace, You are running about trying to make him happy, & he is taking you for a fool granted

Because I should have stayed in control of my emotions. He thought I was "hangry" and that he'd make me eggs and if I dont eat it, it will be wasted/go in the bin. This made me lose control of my emotions, I was basically pleading him not to make them as I really didn't want it (he obviously didnt listen as he made them anyway). I am not proud that I told him to p*ss off. I should not have resorted to shouting or name-calling when I inevitable when back downstairs to put the plate of cooked eggs away in the kitchen.

The frustration was either going to result in tears or shouting or both. I haven't mastered keeping it together.

I also know he is very much in the wrong too, what I don't know is how best to communicate this to him so he doesn't feel he is being "insulted" and get defensive. He really needs to understand where I am coming from if we are to get anywhere.

I don't like the sound of him being physical with you at all.

I agree it sounds abusive

‘Whilst I think he is in the wrong, "abusive" seems a bit much.’

No. You described several types of abuse. It will definitely get worse. Do you have people who can support around you. Friends, family?

What do you all suggest I do next? As I have said upthread, at this moment in time I am not planning on "LTB".

(Of course, if my feelings change/things deteriorate then I may have to consider it in the future but at the moment, I am not taking the decision to have got married lightly and I suppose only I know how I feel overall in this relationship all things considered and at the moment I want to try to resolve these issues)

Abuse is about power and control. That's what you've described and why posters are calling him abusive.

I also know he is very much in the wrong too, what I don't know is how best to communicate this to him so he doesn't feel he is being "insulted" and get defensive. He really needs to understand where I am coming from if we are to get anywhere.

This is a hallmark of abuse.

We can't give you any magic words to get him to change - he adopts that position to maintain control, nothing you do will change his behaviour.

He physically manhandled you. This is so unacceptable regardless of his motives. If you genuinely don't recognise this as abusive, I would suggest you complete the Freedom Programme which may help you see how awful this behaviour is.

I would seek individual support from a qualified and experienced professional on healthy relationships so you can better make sense of the situation and what you can do and will do.

In the meantime, work on not blaming yourself for his behaviour and not explaining away crappy behaviour with excuses and minimisation. Let it stand as it really is, because you can only respond to it appropriately if you acknowledge it.

I would suggest the Freedom Programme course but I get the sense you are in too defensive a place to engage with it.

Wow, you're in deep, OP.

"he starts to physically drag me away from my laptop which really irritates me, I have to shout to get him to stop using his strength"

Justifying the above on his behalf that he just thought you were 'hangry' and 'needed a cuddle'.

The more excuses you make for him, the deeper into this abusive relationship you'll sink.

You both sound like a nightmare!

Just the fact that he sits around on phone while you clearly make big efforts to make him a smoothie etc
Is an example of entitled lazy behaviour, You are his partner not his mother
He is not being lovely if he frustrates the shit out of you & you are shouting often, (which is something you do not do
Out if your home situation)
He then needs to orive a point & bullies you to have eggs
The whole thing sounds wrong

At this moment in time, OP. I suggest you sit down with him and tell him in no uncertain terms to keep his hands to himself.
Then maybe look into counselling.

It’s not petty it sounds horrible. How would you know he wants eggs if he can’t be bothered to speak? Why make you eggs you didn’t want except to try and prove eggs were the right thing to have and that therefore you should just have intuited what he wanted? What are you to him really? It’s troubling, that’s why respondents are reacting as they are.

Instead he starts to physically drag me away from my laptop

Abusive is not too strong a word here. Really it’s not.

Hope you can get some clear headspace OP it’s a tough thing to get your head around

I think the most worrying thing about what happened is that you don't recognise it as abuse. He used his superior physical strength to force you to do something you didn't want to do. What's that if not abuse?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is zero, and the only way to deal with abuse in a relationship is to leave.

Trivial my arse, you are acting like his maid like a well trained abused woman and when you get out of line he forces you into eating something you don’t want to keep his conscience clear? what are you still doing there? You have a job, you don’t need to put with abuse.

The more you wait, the more you normalise it, eventually it would be impossible to leave him… even if things escalate to the point he endangers your life. That’s the way abuse works.

Bloody hell. The first thing that stood out for me is that he is sat there gaming waiting for you to come and make him breakfast like a personal skivvy. Then not bothering to answer you asking what he wants then moaning about why you hadn't done eggs as well. I would have told him he could get his own meals from now on as I'm not his maid!

The rest is awful especially the manhandling. It reads very much as if he's trying to rewrite the narrative to "prove" he's the good guy (cooked you breakfast, see) and you're an unhinged harpy (refused to eat it and shouted at him, see).

What is the rest of the relationship like? Is he someone who never accepts he's in the wrong?

how best to communicate this to him so he doesn't feel he is being "insulted" and get defensive. He really needs to understand where I am coming from if we are to get anywhere

Do you think he's worried about you feeling insulted by his behaviour? Assuming you will skivvy for him and read his mind when he can't be bothered to answer you? Why don't you expect the same consideration yourself as you offer to him?

It all sounds very trivial until he got physical with you.
If you do want to work on your marriage I would say the only way this is possible is if he recognises that dragging you was very wrong and he promises never to do it again (and sticks to it)

Honestly it went down hill with you making him breakfast - if someone can’t lift their head to tell me what they’d like, they’ll be making their own. Why plead with him not to make you eggs, tell him once and don’t eat them. He’s groomed you into always being in the wrong, looking after him and his feelings over your own, using his strength to stop you doing what you want and need to do.

You say you’re not in a LTB place, but you will be - it’s just a question of before or after he’s broken your will, your spirit, your jaw.

He wanted eggs but didn’t tell you.

He dragged you away from your desk and you had to shout to get him to stop. Did he stop dragging you? You say it might have been so he could give you a cuddle, I assume to make you feel better. Did he give you a cuddle? If he did, did you want a cuddle or did you have to shout about that too?

He decided to make eggs even though you told him you didn’t want them. Several times. You shouted you didn’t want eggs because he wasn’t listening.

He continued making eggs and insisted you eat them even though you had told him multiple times you didn’t want them then blackmailed you into eating them. If they ended up in the bin I bet he will make that your fault…look what you made me do.

This is not about eggs.

He is domineering and controlling. It is very common for that type of personality to relish it when the other person loses control as they can then turn it round on the other person…”see, you’re so emotional”…”it’s impossible to have a conversation with you when you’re like this”….”you’re crazy…everyone says so”…”you’re abusive. I can’t be around this level of abuse”.

He will not see he did anything wrong. Telling you what you did wrong can be another part of abusive behaviour. Berating, lecturing…all designed to make you know how awful and unreasonable you are while positioning himself to be in the right.

No-one should ever use their strength against their partner.

The

I went downstairs, made myself a bagel for lunch, turned the tv off (he had background music on while working). Was going to sit down at the dining table to eat my lunch, however he said "excuse me" came to take the remote and turn it back on. I don't even think we made eye contact. I didn't retaliate, I have brought my bagel and tea upstairs back at my desk.

I was possibly going to approach him for a conversation but it obviously would not have gone down well. He clearly feels wronged.

The way you are minimising this situation is alarming. Toxic, abusive, and horrible, from start to finish. Sadly, I don't think you know what a healthy relationship looks like, because this sure as hell isn't it. FFS, don't have children with this man.