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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

overcome with rage, advice please

122 replies

polkadotty2 · 12/12/2021 11:26

DH and I just had a row (over something very trivial but the way he behaved triggered me to see red).

He was sitting on the sofa, playing on his phone with his laptop switched on and TV in the background, probably waiting o have breakfast together. (He knows that I hate how much time he spends on screens).

I come downstairs, asked what he'd like for breakfast, he was too engrossed in the game and didn't give me a straight answer. I do a quick tidy up/clean and put together a quick breakfast - made a smoothie for each of us, yoghurt etc and laid out bread/bagels for him if wanted. He decides he wants eggs and rather than thanking me for what I did make him decides to tell me I could have made eggs etc in this time as he was work to do.

I get frustrated at not being appreciated (have work of my own to do this AM), tell him if hes got time to watch TV and play games in the morning hes got time to make his own eggs and go upstairs to the study with my smoothie.

All very minor, I clearly needed some space to get some work done on my laptop and come down when I'm ready. All he needed to do was respect that and apologise for not being grateful.

Instead he starts to physically drag me away from my laptop which really irritates me, I have to shout to get him to stop using his strength. This suffocation makes me want my space/an apology even more. Insists on making me eggs despite me telling him I really don't want that, guilt trips me that if I don't eat them itll have to go in the bin. (I really hate waste so get more worked up and tell him to please not make me any, if he really wants to help, I could do with a glass of water).

I wish I had stayed calm but recognise I am shouting at this point, its his defensive nature that's getting my back up. Anything I say is met with "no, i didnt say/do that" etc.

I try and do some work but of course he's made the eggs I really didn't want (the smell makes me feel more queasy, I take it back down to the kitchen, he tells me his conscious is clear).

What a silly trivial argument but its ruined our Sunday. Its the using his strength against me to force me away from my desk, not listening to what I have to say, not apologising for being ungrateful or for sitting in front of all those screens and taking me for granted expecting things done for him then not listening, trying to force me to eat something I really didn't fancy and threatening me it would go in the bin otherwise... all of these things got me frustrated and made me shout.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I am sat at my desk, upset, unable to be productive. I know my behaviour was probably worse than his (he didn't shout) but the reason I felt so angry and frustrated is because of the way he chose to behave in the first place. What a mess. I don't find it difficult to apologise but I know he will only see what I have done wrong and not himself and not change his ways.
Sorry this was so long (and so petty).

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 12/12/2021 16:43

You both need to learn,to live in harmony together, and not be driven to pettiness about generally minor issues, that can be avoided. People with different personalities can work things out properly if they try.

LeroyJenkinssss · 12/12/2021 16:45

Whether you stay or go is a choice to be made over time. But do you understand why everyone is appalled by him physically dragging you away from your desk? Whether it’s for a cuddle or to get your attention it is just wrong.

How would he have reacted if when you came downstairs and he didn’t respond you attempted to physically drag him off the sofa?? It’s shocking and should really be the focus of the conversation.

I would just go in and say that you are not entering into a discussion but he is not to lay hands on you like that ever again and that it will not be tolerated (and mean it) no matter what the circumstances.

LeroyJenkinssss · 12/12/2021 16:47

Sorry cross posted - be proud! I understand that you have all the surrounding emotions and history together but that wasn’t a way to live.

Anomelettefortheroad · 12/12/2021 16:47

I think I may have just ended our relationship and I am not sure how to feel.

Don't try and force yourself to feel anything - this is a big deal. Clearly this incident has really hit a nerve. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life who you trust?

frozendaisy · 12/12/2021 16:47

I would never make food for anyone who behaved like this ever a fucking gain.

Happy1982ish · 12/12/2021 16:51

How long married?
Children?

Original poster
polkadotty2 · 12/12/2021 16:54

I feel numb but also a lot of emotions in equal measures.

OP posts:
Happy1982ish · 12/12/2021 16:57

How long married and do you have any children?

RaisedByPangolins · 12/12/2021 16:58

Feel very proud of yourself for making a tough decision. I know it will be hard at the moment as you’re only just realising how unacceptable this behaviour is in a relationship, but once you come out the other side you’ll realise this is for the best. You can’t spend the rest of your life tip-toeing around him and his moods. Flowers

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 12/12/2021 17:00

Just because someone stays calm and doesn't shout, doesn't mean he's not in the wrong

It sounds like he took you for granted, didn't listen to you as he was on his screen, and then didn't listen to you again when you said you weren't hungry. Pulling you away from your desk and making you eat isn't the actions of a nice and loving partner. It's the actions of someone who is annoyed and trying to undermine you, ruin any self respect you have and control the situation.

What he should have done was apologise for not listening as he was engrossed on his screen, thanked you for making breakfast, and it wasn't to his liking made his own eggs, offered you some, if you declined, accepted this and sat down for breakfast with you.

tribpot · 12/12/2021 17:01

Depending on how serious he thinks you are, I suspect he is now going to try and lovebomb you into coming back (perhaps suggesting counselling so that you can 'both' work on your issues - usual MN advice would be against joint counselling with someone who has overstepped physical boundaries) or ignore you in order to punish you into caving in.

I would suggest you make this real by telling some people in real life. This relationship does not sound healthy.

ThreeLocusts · 12/12/2021 17:26

How in what world, is you shouting worse than him dragging you about??? My DH has his moments but he has never done this. Of course you got angry. Are you sure that's not what he wanted? To undermine your position? He sounds like a real piece of work.

ThreeLocusts · 12/12/2021 17:27

Posted too early. Congrats on ending it.

Original poster
polkadotty2 · 12/12/2021 18:01

He genuinely thought he was not in the wrong, "his conscience is clear" and has left. I have no idea where he went or when he'll be back.

OP posts:
LeroyJenkinssss · 12/12/2021 18:04

Grab this opportunity with both hands - if he can’t even bring himself to see what went wrong then there’s no moving forward.

Mumoblue · 12/12/2021 18:09

If that’s how he feels OP then you’re better off without him. Someone who feels justified to use physical force against you over something so minor is not safe to be around- and that sort of thing tends to get worse not better.

IncompleteSenten · 12/12/2021 18:10

Grabbing you and dragging you is abuse. Don't think that it's only abuse if he punches you.

If someone in the street grabbed you and dragged you down the street would you see that as anything other than an act of violence?

Don't accept worse treatment from someone who claims to love you than you would from a stranger.

Mojoj · 12/12/2021 18:12

Eh, he'd be wearing those eggs if he'd dragged me anywhere. Why are you putting up with this shit?

MMmomDD · 12/12/2021 18:20

If a man manhandles a woman and his ‘conscience is clear’, then he is highly delusional.
It does seem like your relationship reached a point where something is really really wrong.
For this all to escalate this way - resentment must have been building on both sides for quite a long time.

How long have you been together? It does happen for the couples who got together while very young - that by 30s people change too much and relationship has run it’s course.
Especially because it’s the age when people either decide to have children - thus tying yourself together for longer.
Or go your separate ways. Before it’s too late.

It may be this is what’s happening.

GrandmasCat · 12/12/2021 18:24

The way he is behaving is still abusive, a man who is always on the right = a man who doesn’t give a shit about what you think and how you feel.

He is not going to talk to you because he is already convinced that what you think does NOT matter so there is no point to have a conversation.

He is trying to teach you a lesson, but don’t for a minute think he has “left you”, the bastard is somewhere enjoying himself trying to teach you a lesson and waiting for you to apologise. Not for a minute has he thought this is the end, unless he is far more into the abuse than what appears in this thread. He won’t give up the control even if that means you are over.

tribpot · 12/12/2021 18:27

He's going to stay away long enough to ensure you don't sleep properly, and you are tearfully relieved when he finally reappears.

I'd suggest going somewhere else for a few days, just to have somewhere away from all this drama.

tobedtoMN · 12/12/2021 18:27

Well I'm glad he's gone. I was worried for your safety today.
DO NOT APOLOGISE.

Fireflygal · 12/12/2021 18:29

Just because someone stays calm and doesn't shout, doesn't mean he's not in the wrong

This...

Just because he won't admit any fault doesn't mean he is right. Failing to take responsibility is a common strategy.

Think logically ..it is highly unlikely you were 100% responsible and he was blameless. The only way this argument/discussion could have been avoided if you meekly compiled with him and shown no iriration. That's not a partnership or marriage.

I have been where you are, a realisation that a partner is unable to be accountable or show empathy for your feelings. It shocks you and for a period of time you are in cognitive dissonance. Of course you want this relationship to work but if he won't meet you half way can you continue?

Are you aware of Darvo?

Fireatseaparks · 12/12/2021 18:35

He's punishing you by withdrawing his attention and affection. Mate, you don't need this sort in your life.

CrappyXmasMarket · 12/12/2021 18:38

@Fireatseaparks

He's punishing you by withdrawing his attention and affection. Mate, you don't need this sort in your life.
THIS

You failed to do your usual thing of apologising for things that aren't your fault so now he is upping the ante and hoping this will bring you to heel.

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