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Original poster

Can you truly be in love with someone you find a bit embarrassing?

117 replies

HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 09/12/2021 20:56

Not all the time, obviously. I’ve been with dp for a couple of years and I really do love him. He’s genuinely my best friend in the world, we have such a good laugh together and I’ve never been happier in a relationship.

But I’ve realised how embarrassing I find some of the things he does. I couldn’t care less about him doing them when I’m not there but when we’re together I sometimes absolutely cringe. Some examples - we were at a spa and there were some water jets in the pool. He decided to aim them at his back as he was feeling a bit achey and proceeded to loudly groan as they touched his back. I told him he was being really loud and so he did it more quietly which just made it sound like he was have sex instead. Whenever we go on an outing anywhere he’ll want to take photos which is fine but he’ll spend a good 10 minutes taking pouty selfies which look absolutely ridiculous. Then yesterday he came home wearing the most ridiculous leather beret thing and looked really hurt when I laughed because I genuinely thought he was wearing it as a joke. I thought that was the end of it but we just went out for a drink and he wore it down the pub. A couple of people he knew commented on it in an obviously sarcastic way which he didn’t recognise as sarcasm and is now using as justification for continuing to wear the hat. He also wants an electric scooter for Christmas which is absolutely not happening. He’s pushing 50 ffs.

I know this probably reflects more on me than him and maybe I am a bit shallow. I’m not about to throw the relationship away because of his stupid hat but it has got me questioning whether I’m actually properly in love with him. Surely I shouldn’t get this embarrassed about my partner doing (relatively) normal things?

OP posts:

LimeTreeGrove · 10/12/2021 07:47

You can't spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you cringe and is embarrassing. It'll drive you mad

MadeForThis · 10/12/2021 07:48

Has he always behaved like this? Did it always make you embarrassed?

If it's new behaviour it sounds like a mid life crisis. Linked to losing his hair. It's like he is acting too young for his age, false and insecure. Maybe you are uncomfortable because he isn't being himself.

If he has always behaved like this then you may have the ick.

Yousexybugger · 10/12/2021 07:49

I'll be honest, I'd find the sex swing harness hilarious (although I'm not sure most people would recognise one if they saw it, I wouldn't), but the other bits obnoxious and unaware and wouldn't find all of this very attractive either. None of it is very witty or funny.

It feels as though he can't understand or enjoy situations for what they are- he has to either spend ages taking photos of himself to document them, do something like make loud sex noises in a spa to change it from relaxing and calm for his own entertainment, and ignores the etiquette and social norms that make different settings work. Pushing in is just selfish, as is avoiding paying at attractions.

Sounds a bit like an attention seeking child needing constant entertainment. Ick.

billy1966 · 10/12/2021 07:51

OP, you sound lovely and the harness story has made me laugh out loud, so thank you for that.

Thatsplentyjack · 10/12/2021 07:55

"Sounds like a scream","sounds hillarious" I think some people on mn need tk get out more if they find those examples hilarious . Anyway, he's not trying to be funny and gets offended when the OP does laugh.

OnlyAFleshWound · 10/12/2021 08:01

@Thatsplentyjack

"Sounds like a scream","sounds hillarious" I think some people on mn need tk get out more if they find those examples hilarious

. Anyway, he's not trying to be funny and gets offended when the OP does laugh.

You may have missed the thread last week where people were queueing up to say how hilarious it was that a man had spelled "melon tits" with some letters. Lucky you

OnlyAFleshWound · 10/12/2021 08:03

@HesBoughtAFuckingHat

I do care what other people think of me and I know it’s not healthy to do that. I have a slight facial disfigurement which always makes me the weird one in situations and to have DP inadvertently drawing attention to himself, and in turn me too, I feel like we’re a pair of weirdo’s. That’s not his fault though. I’m sure most people would find someone they love doing slightly daft/ eccentric things a bit daft and laugh it off but it really does just mortify me.

Several of these things cross the line from "eccentric and daft" into rude, bizarre or thoughtlessly selfish.

Original poster

HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 10/12/2021 08:06

Why do people keep suggesting that he’s gay?!

I don’t know if it’s a midlife crisis, possibly I guess. I’ve only been with him a couple of years so he could have been well into it by then.

OP posts:

LUCCCY · 10/12/2021 08:11

I think because he wears a "leather beret" and "fluorescent pink harness from a sex swing"

MadeForThis · 10/12/2021 08:14

😂

Smidge001 · 10/12/2021 08:21

Why do people keep suggesting that he’s gay?!
Leather hat, sex swing, making sex noises in public. He sounds like Kenny Everett.

Gargellen · 10/12/2021 08:25

I think I would be more worried about his state of mind. Using a harness designed for sex to go up on a roof is stupid and dangerous surely?

It would be this sort of thing that would make me embarrassed.

Nedclarity · 10/12/2021 08:48

Ok, the sex swing 😂😂😂 I wish my husband would do anything remotely useful like cleaning the gutters but maybe not in a pink fluorescent toy harness. My husband has a friend similar to your partner. He’s hilarious and larger than life, he’s fab to hang out with for a day or so but to live with him would be exhausting, like a big man child. Sounds as though perhaps he lacks some awareness. You may have to try to embrace his quirks.

gannett · 10/12/2021 08:55

@HesBoughtAFuckingHat

Why do people keep suggesting that he’s gay?!

I don’t know if it’s a midlife crisis, possibly I guess. I’ve only been with him a couple of years so he could have been well into it by then.

People are saying he's gay because MN loves to rush to snap judgment based on a couple of decontextualised superficialities. Idiots.

There's embarrassed and then there's embarrassed. It's normal to look at your partner every so often and just think "what are you doing and why are you doing it like that, you strange person". DP is weirdly fond of a particularly lurid green T-shirt. I have a habit of going to very serious craft beer places and ordering wine. But it's all affectionate.

I don't think your partner is doing anything that unusual. The beret and the water jets wouldn't annoy me, the 10 minutes of selfies would (I have nothing against pouty selfies or men/women who take them, but waiting around for 10 minutes for that to happen would drive me up the wall). It's really up to you to decide what level of embarrassed/annoyed you are. You can also request that they cut out the behaviour that impacts you (the 10 minutes of selfies, definitely).

I do get the impression that a significant part of your embarrassment is down to your own insecurity though. You're clearly pretty conscious of how other people view you in public - I guess because of your own history. You don't think you can relax or be yourself in public, you're afraid people will think you're "eccentric" (as if there's anything wrong with that). Whereas your partner doesn't give a shit what people think and is happy to do what he feels like. Tbh the latter is the much healthier way to live!

Thatsplentyjack · 10/12/2021 09:03

To be honest, I would find someone with such little self awareness, or lack of respect for other that they jump queues and wander into places without paying extremely off putting.

Thatsplentyjack · 10/12/2021 09:07

You may have missed the thread last week where people were queueing up to say how hilarious it was that a man had spelled "melon tits" with some letters. Lucky you

No, I saw that. People have weird senses of humour, it's like they are still 12!

HelloNope · 10/12/2021 09:09

Sorry OP. When I read your initial post my first thought was "he's gay" and then I saw that other people had said the same...

Dearblossom · 10/12/2021 09:23

@HesBoughtAFuckingHat

Why do people keep suggesting that he’s gay?!

I don’t know if it’s a midlife crisis, possibly I guess. I’ve only been with him a couple of years so he could have been well into it by then.

By page 2 of this thread I had an image in my head of him in the jacuzzi with his leather hat on. And then you mention the sex harness, that killed me tbh and almost made me think this thread was a joke!

I think he is gay/bi possibly. It's all just so camp.

And you have the ick which I suspect may only get worse.

(Sorry but I am now seeing him naked with hat and sex swing hanging from your chimney......!)

irishoak · 10/12/2021 09:33

I've wondered in the past if it's normal to find some things your partner does embarrassing. I'll try and hide my cringe and tell myself that I'm being too judgemental, that they must find things I do embarrassing too, etc. However, these things always come back to bite me in the arse later, so I wonder if it's just an early warning sign and I'm not listening to it when I should be? For example, I used to cringe when my ex would be talking on and on at people about his new favourite topic of interest, while to me they were obviously bored and just putting up with it to be polite. I thought it was cringe but harmless. Anyway, four years later I wasn't allowed to disagree with him and have my own opinions about things, but was expected to listen and encourage him while he lectured me in whatever he thought he was an expert in this week.

So, idk is it normal or are you giving yourself a warning sign?

Fruitandnuts · 10/12/2021 09:56

Was your previous partner different? I had a very conservative, introverted, socially awkward partner and then met a very outgoing, social bubbly person. The difference took a while to get used to. My partner does things that make me cringe but usually i laugh or tell him to wise up. An example is when we go to a drive thru he will put on a silly voice saying hello into the microphone, but will then order in his normal voice. At first i found it funny now i cringe abit for him. He just thinks hes very funny and hes innocent so i just tell him to wise up. He has some funky clothes but i think i find it odd because my ex was very dull with his fashion sense and safe. My partner will wear bright colours which im not used to. I find its really weighing up the prons and cons and as long as theres more pros its good! Maybe pick your time and be honest, ask him is there anything that he doesnt like about you and then just say tbh im not that keen on your hat and see what happens? My partner tells me he loves me everyday, is very affectionate, kind and caring and thats something my ex never turned into so its all about what do you love about him and can you let go of the cringe parts. I have bought my partner some clothes for christmas just to help update his wardrobe and i think he doesnt really have a style so might need some help with that side of things. I'm not gunna give up on him as no one is perfect and who knows what he cringes about from me, probably my silly fluffy slippers!

Original poster

HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 10/12/2021 10:00

He’s really not camp in the least and definitely not gay. The leather beret is very much at odds with his normally very scruffy style. He normally wears jeans and fleeces and other pretty standard late 40’s male clothing. Which makes the twat hat look even more noticeable because it’s so out of place.

I don’t know how safe the harness/ sex swing actually was but he seemed to think it was pretty safe and he has a history of doing a lot of climbing so I assumed he knew what he was doing. He just looked a bit mad clinging to a chimney in the middle of winter wearing a bright pink sex harness. He wanted me to stand on the road and watch him in case he fell but I just watched him out of the loft window instead so passerby’s wouldn’t think we were sex people.

OP posts:

magicstars · 10/12/2021 10:04

The groaning jets thing is a bit cringe! I'd be embarrassed by that too.

Hottbutterscotch · 10/12/2021 10:07

For clarity I don’t think gay and camp are one and the same. I know a few camp men who identify as straight but on a personal level I would be very turned off by it.

The pouty selfie thing is camp, beret is camp and the pink sex swing harness Is off the scale camp. If he says he’s not gay and you have no reason to believe he is then go with that.

My DH has poor social skills sometimes. He also can’t see a huge queue. When I point it out to him he will say something like “oh right yep. They don’t mind anyway” when they are clearly furious. That all comes from his very large, poorly raised family. He’s a great guy & very well thought of but he has some odd traits. The very many good override these though.

OnlyAFleshWound · 10/12/2021 10:07

@gannett
I do get the impression that a significant part of your embarrassment is down to your own insecurity though. You're clearly pretty conscious of how other people view you in public - I guess because of your own history. You don't think you can relax or be yourself in public, you're afraid people will think you're "eccentric" (as if there's anything wrong with that). Whereas your partner doesn't give a shit what people think and is happy to do what he feels like. Tbh the latter is the much healthier way to live!

I don't think a man making groaning sex noises in a public place is healthy or 'relaxed'. It's really creepy and a bit disgusting, and extremely inconsiderate of anyone else who is there.

zafferana · 10/12/2021 10:23

@Smidge001

Why do people keep suggesting that he’s gay?! Leather hat, sex swing, making sex noises in public. He sounds like Kenny Everett.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

That cracked me up.

OP you've now clarified that you're sure he's NOT gay, but the things you describe - the pouty selfies, the leather Village People hat, the moaning in the public spa, the bright pink sex harness - can you not see how people reading these things about a middle-aged man think that he sounds extremely camp? My DH (similar age), would NEVER do or wear any of those things and neither would most middle-aged heterosexual men.

I couldn't be with someone who doesn't get sarcasm though - so that would be the deal-breaker for me. The campness would be bad enough, but for people to make fun of him and him not even realise, that makes me cringe.

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