Page 5 | Can you truly be in love with someone you find a bit embarrassing?

fournonblondes · 10/12/2021 10:29

@HesBoughtAFuckingHat

Not all the time, obviously. I’ve been with dp for a couple of years and I really do love him. He’s genuinely my best friend in the world, we have such a good laugh together and I’ve never been happier in a relationship.

But I’ve realised how embarrassing I find some of the things he does. I couldn’t care less about him doing them when I’m not there but when we’re together I sometimes absolutely cringe. Some examples - we were at a spa and there were some water jets in the pool. He decided to aim them at his back as he was feeling a bit achey and proceeded to loudly groan as they touched his back. I told him he was being really loud and so he did it more quietly which just made it sound like he was have sex instead. Whenever we go on an outing anywhere he’ll want to take photos which is fine but he’ll spend a good 10 minutes taking pouty selfies which look absolutely ridiculous. Then yesterday he came home wearing the most ridiculous leather beret thing and looked really hurt when I laughed because I genuinely thought he was wearing it as a joke. I thought that was the end of it but we just went out for a drink and he wore it down the pub. A couple of people he knew commented on it in an obviously sarcastic way which he didn’t recognise as sarcasm and is now using as justification for continuing to wear the hat. He also wants an electric scooter for Christmas which is absolutely not happening. He’s pushing 50 ffs.

I know this probably reflects more on me than him and maybe I am a bit shallow. I’m not about to throw the relationship away because of his stupid hat but it has got me questioning whether I’m actually properly in love with him. Surely I shouldn’t get this embarrassed about my partner doing (relatively) normal things?

Type of things that when you are married would make you mad. I did not see the embarrassing things my husband do as bad as I do now.

fournonblondes · 10/12/2021 10:31

@HesBoughtAFuckingHat

Not all the time, obviously. I’ve been with dp for a couple of years and I really do love him. He’s genuinely my best friend in the world, we have such a good laugh together and I’ve never been happier in a relationship.

But I’ve realised how embarrassing I find some of the things he does. I couldn’t care less about him doing them when I’m not there but when we’re together I sometimes absolutely cringe. Some examples - we were at a spa and there were some water jets in the pool. He decided to aim them at his back as he was feeling a bit achey and proceeded to loudly groan as they touched his back. I told him he was being really loud and so he did it more quietly which just made it sound like he was have sex instead. Whenever we go on an outing anywhere he’ll want to take photos which is fine but he’ll spend a good 10 minutes taking pouty selfies which look absolutely ridiculous. Then yesterday he came home wearing the most ridiculous leather beret thing and looked really hurt when I laughed because I genuinely thought he was wearing it as a joke. I thought that was the end of it but we just went out for a drink and he wore it down the pub. A couple of people he knew commented on it in an obviously sarcastic way which he didn’t recognise as sarcasm and is now using as justification for continuing to wear the hat. He also wants an electric scooter for Christmas which is absolutely not happening. He’s pushing 50 ffs.

I know this probably reflects more on me than him and maybe I am a bit shallow. I’m not about to throw the relationship away because of his stupid hat but it has got me questioning whether I’m actually properly in love with him. Surely I shouldn’t get this embarrassed about my partner doing (relatively) normal things?

Also, he is 50? Was he married before? Lived with someone. Be careful he is not a big toddler and that is why he was available?

OhYeahyeahyeah · 10/12/2021 10:49

The Village People was my first thought when you said Leather Beret OP! Sounds like a difficult situation for you, was he this eccentric when you first Met?

50ShadesOfCatholic · 10/12/2021 10:52

I don't understand what's wrong with him having an electric scooter. They're for everyone.

faelavie · 10/12/2021 11:34

@gannett Finally, someone who's speaking some sense!
I feel that a load of MN think that all gay people are some kind of Kenny Everett stereotype! Earth to Mumsnet: Straight men can also be camp and eccentric 🤣 Some women don't like it, others do, life would be dull if everyone had the same tastes.

OP I'm sorry but this thread gave me a good laugh because it reminds me of an ex I had. The relationship was going downhill anyway, but he bought an Australian outback hat which had a brim that wobbled as he walked/moved. That hat annoyed me so much and he knew it. We ended the relationship because it was a dud but sometimes I remember that hat and feel it was the final straw. I don't like judging people by what they wear but just thinking about how that hat wobbled makes me irrationally annoyed.

If these little embarrassments are a deal breaker for you then by all means end it, only you can say if you learn to live with them or not.

DeeCeeCherry · 10/12/2021 11:42

The water jets thing (cringe...!), the hat, the scooter - He is an attention seeker, lives to be "seen". Some people can laugh along and put up with all that. But you dont sound cut out for it really OP. I suppose all you can do is go out with him less if that's even feasible

bumblingbovine49 · 10/12/2021 11:50

@HesBoughtAFuckingHat

I have wondered if he’s not entirely NT *@Hottbutterscotch*. I don’t think it would make me feel less embarrassed about it all if that turned out to be the case though.

My DH has ASD and he would absolutely have bought the sex harness if it fulfilled his requirements for fixing the roof and if it was 50% cheaper . I'd have found it embarrassing but more in a fond laughing way than in an excrutiating way .

My DHs dress sense is absolutely dire. Over the years he has made some accommodations when we go out for me but for himself he really does not care what he looks like or what others think of him. This is a deep part of his personality and while I can't say it doesn't irritate me sometimes , I also admire and respect it as a personality trait generally - as long as it is within reason .

On the whole I find it baffling but admirable as I care way too much what others think of me so I suppose it depends on what personality traits you admire.

Original poster

HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 10/12/2021 12:10

@fournonblondes he’s 48 and divorced. Was with his wife for 20 years and they split about 6 years ago.

OP posts:

WinterDeWinter · 10/12/2021 17:11

It's all a bit Christopher Biggins though isn't it?

madisonbridges · 10/12/2021 18:16

[quote HesBoughtAFuckingHat]@madisonbridges I don’t know if he’s embarrassed to be seen with me due to my facial disfigurement. Quite possibly, most of my ex boyfriends have been.[/quote]
I'm sorry. I'd expected you'd say that he wasn't embarrassed. The fact that you think he might well be, is quite sad and I can see how you lack confidence in your relationship. My other half has embarrassed me, of course, as no doubt I have him. We all do things wrong or have our foibles. But it doesn't make me stop loving him. If him wearing a hat, made me doubt my love of a man who was my best friend, made me laugh and the happiest I'd ever been, I'd think I didn't love him enough and I'd end it. For his sake really.

Your partner enjoys how he's living his life so it would be wrong to undermine his confidence and get him to change, but at the same time, if your securities make you embarrassed to be with him, I don't see how you can have a proper relationship.

I'm sorry really because everything you say about him makes his seem like a lovely guy.

bollocksthemess · 10/12/2021 19:38

I’d be embarrassed by those things OP.
I would be mortified at the queue jumping, the spa groaning and the hat. The electric scooter I could probably let go.
However, I have married a man who would never ever dream of doing any of the above. I’ve been in a relationship with someone who was embarrassing in certain situations and I definitely got the ick.

Even with my lovely husband I have been known to say, ‘I need you to not do ‘X’ as I still want to want to have sex with you’
Normally it’s something disgusting like showing me his gammy toe but I say it with kindness and we laugh and I don’t get the ick. You might find if you say something like, ‘I really really hate that hat, I know you like it but it makes me feel weird looking at you in it’ he might get the hint.
It depends on your relationship though, I’m currently 23 weeks pregnant with twins and my husband makes the lorry reversing beeps when I turn over in bed 😂

LonginesPrime · 10/12/2021 19:57

doing the roof guttering wearing a fluorescent pink harness from a sex swing. He found it online when he was looking for a harness so he could climb out there relatively safer and the sex swing harness was about 50% less than a proper harness

Erm, could the difference in cost be because it's not designed to save someone's life if they fall off a roof??

Aside from the general lack of self-awareness, I'd be worried about his ability to think things through around safety, etc. It sounds like he's thought "oh, I'll need a harness" without it occurring to him that it needs to meet the requirements of the dangerous job he's doing, and has just felt that having any harness is sufficient as the point is wearing a harness, not the safety function it would perform if he slipped.

For me, I think the concern I'd have is that it's one thing doing things for a laugh when you know when to tone it down, but if you're genuinely not aware when you're making a scene or committing a social faux pas (the sex noises, queue-jumping, etc), then there's no way to tone it down when necessary, like at a solemn occasion, or when it might steal someone else's thunder or be hugely inappropriate.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 10/12/2021 20:10

Please can someone tell me what's wrong with having an electric scooter.

Smallishfry · 10/12/2021 20:34

My DH sounds similarish and is definitely on the ASD spectrum. He too has worn a few funny/embarrassing hats in his time and has a scooter that he scoots around with our dog running alongside 😂 It can feel a bit embarrassing tbh (feeling quite grateful that he doesn’t take pouty selfies..) and has led to a few heated discussions. Another memorable moment was when he wore an expensive suit and Birkenstock sandals to our DD’s graduation at Durham . Our dd wasn’t too happy, although fortunately you couldn’t see his feet in any of the pics. He also does the ‘not seeing a queue’ thing! However, he’s intelligent, and gorgeous to me so I have learned to live with with his little quirks.

Bouledepetanque · 10/12/2021 21:06

I knew a guy like this very well. He ended up with a diagnosis for autism. He was extremely extroverted but he did some very cringe stuff.

Linguini · 10/12/2021 23:24

[quote LitCrit]@Linguini I’m so fascinated by this and can completely imagine your pain. Was it not fundamentally because you thought it showed a bumptiousness/unwarranted self-regard as well as the actual shades. And… did you tell him they were the true reason you were splitting?![/quote]
Haha no I didn't say that, he actually had some other traits like being a bit argumentative that made it easy to finish things.

It was vain and attention seeking really.
Moderate vanity is ok in context, we're all guilty of that once in a while, but not all the bloody time like when you're just going into the co-op to buy cheese and Doritos or whatever. It wound me right up in the end.

Rangoon · 11/12/2021 00:33

I would feel embarassed too. The pink sex sling did make me smile though. There seems to be a lack of hard wiring for social skills. I know people on mumsnet are always suggesting neurodiverdity as the answer to plain bad behaviour but he does seem to exhibit some traits that at characteristic of autism - obviously high functioning. I would talk to him about the hat - by the way just having his remaining hair cut short is probably warmer and less confronting than a shaved head.