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Original poster

Can you truly be in love with someone you find a bit embarrassing?

117 replies

HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 09/12/2021 20:56

Not all the time, obviously. I’ve been with dp for a couple of years and I really do love him. He’s genuinely my best friend in the world, we have such a good laugh together and I’ve never been happier in a relationship.

But I’ve realised how embarrassing I find some of the things he does. I couldn’t care less about him doing them when I’m not there but when we’re together I sometimes absolutely cringe. Some examples - we were at a spa and there were some water jets in the pool. He decided to aim them at his back as he was feeling a bit achey and proceeded to loudly groan as they touched his back. I told him he was being really loud and so he did it more quietly which just made it sound like he was have sex instead. Whenever we go on an outing anywhere he’ll want to take photos which is fine but he’ll spend a good 10 minutes taking pouty selfies which look absolutely ridiculous. Then yesterday he came home wearing the most ridiculous leather beret thing and looked really hurt when I laughed because I genuinely thought he was wearing it as a joke. I thought that was the end of it but we just went out for a drink and he wore it down the pub. A couple of people he knew commented on it in an obviously sarcastic way which he didn’t recognise as sarcasm and is now using as justification for continuing to wear the hat. He also wants an electric scooter for Christmas which is absolutely not happening. He’s pushing 50 ffs.

I know this probably reflects more on me than him and maybe I am a bit shallow. I’m not about to throw the relationship away because of his stupid hat but it has got me questioning whether I’m actually properly in love with him. Surely I shouldn’t get this embarrassed about my partner doing (relatively) normal things?

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 10/12/2021 00:06

@JuicySatsuma85. No, I don't see the difference. Why can't you support them both to be their authentic self? If my son put on a leather beret, I might tell him he looked daft but I wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with him. Not even when his his crotch was dragging round his knees! Same with my husband. I don't always like his choice of clothes but I'd never be ashamed of him.
If a woman came on here and said her husband was ashamed to walk with her when she was wearing her favourite dress, the husband would get flamed for being so shallow.

Andergard · 10/12/2021 00:07

I don't know if this has already been said but he sounds like Frank Spencer!

Gwennid · 10/12/2021 00:08

I think you may have a typo about his gayness OP?

madisonbridges · 10/12/2021 00:08

I have a slight facial disfigurement

Is he embarrassed to be with you because of your disfigurement?

Wotsitsits · 10/12/2021 00:10

I get it OP. It's the realization that he's not actually really getting what people are saying to him. And he doesn't know or care about social norms. Like there's a layer of non comprehension there.

The loud noises in the spa thing. The point wasn't to make groaning noises more quietly. The point is a normal adult would know that making NO groaning noises was the social expectation there...! It's absolutely cringe that he did not know or care. So he misinterpreted you shushing him as "she just wants me to do it more quietly" rather than "I've just broken a massive social norm by behaving like I'm in my own private spa instead of this public shared space".

I would be uncomfortable with a partner like this. It betrays an underlying internal reality which I would be sensing is too psychopathic for my tastes. I'd be left feeling unsafe and like, well what else weird stuff is he capable of, and how far would he take these things. It's low grade but it would be there for me absolutely. I would not be comfortable. As a 20 something I would have ignored my gut but as a 30 something I would def listen!!

sunnyzweibrucken · 10/12/2021 00:12

I dated someone like this. He was very extroverted, flamboyant and quirky which always caused me secondhand embarrassment when we were out in public. It definitely was a deal breaker as these traits turned me right off

Nietzschethehiker · 10/12/2021 00:12

I think you are being quite harsh on yourself about being shallow. I don't think you are to be honest.

I do think there is an element of insecurity. I genuinely have given up on caring what anyone else thinks of me so I am sure DP does lots of embarrassing things as do I but we don't really rate anyone's opinion if they worry about appearance etc. We just sort of roll our eyes and laugh at people who get cringey about anything because it all feels a bit silly at a certain age.

If it was things that affected something, like risking losing his job because of outlandish behaviour then I would be concerned but otherwise its just not important what anyone else thinks.

Having said that, if you aren't happy with him then you aren't happy. You don't have to justify why you want to leave a relationship (I mean fair and diplomatic explanation rather than ghosting) . If he's not making you happy then it's bugger all to do with anyone else if you want to leave.

FriendWoes111 · 10/12/2021 00:15

Could he be shy and so using all this as a foil?
I feel awkward in a spa so I'll make comedy noises.
I'm going bald so I'll buy a comedy hat.
I feel exposed and visible when doing the gutter so I'll get an outlandish harness.
I hate my face so I will distort it by pouting

?

ReadyforTakeOff · 10/12/2021 00:22

He sounds like he has confidence issues. Dump him.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 10/12/2021 00:25

It seems a shame to potentially end something over a beret. (and the rest)

I suppose it's that he seems to not give a thought to what others think.

That's a pretty good trait, I reckon.

His beret vs women with big filler filled lips.... they do it for themselves and don't care what others think, but at least he can take his hat off.

MarieKlepto · 10/12/2021 01:06

I'm an introvert, husband is an extrovert so we've compromised on a few things (both ways) over the years. But your post has reminded me of my old house where every afternoon a dad in a leather beret riding a tricycle used to pass by my home office at school collection time followed by son (older boy, possibly with mobility issues) on a tricycle and young daughter on a bike. He played (quite loud) music from the back basket of his trike (lovely happy nonsense/jazz/musicals). It was the highlight of my day.

grapewine · 10/12/2021 01:09

@HollowTalk

I would find that embarrassing because I think he sounds like an attention seeker.
Yep. That would grate quickly.
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 10/12/2021 03:14

Maybe he's doing some of it to draw people's attention away from you and on to him?

GADDay · 10/12/2021 03:23

[quote HesBoughtAFuckingHat]@Linguini I do see the funny side. If he was just wearing the hat without me I’d just smile and think “daft bugger”. But walking down the road I felt people were also judging me for holding hands with a man looking like the original policeman from the Village People.[/quote]
Sorry OP, but I laughed hard at the Village People comment!! 👨‍🎨

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/12/2021 03:46

@ChirpyChirp

I'd find all of that embarrassing too and it would make me question my feelings for him. In 17 years I have never been embarrassed by my DH!
I agree with this. Only been with my DH for 5 years though... so maybe there is time for him to develop dodgy tastes in fashion
cookiemonster2468 · 10/12/2021 03:52

I’m 99% certain he is gay as a few PP’s suggested

Out of this and being a bit embarrassing, surely this is the bigger potential issue in your relationship! (Presuming you are female)

I get where you're coming from with the embarrassment factor though. It was one of several things that ended a previous relationship of mine. I would cringe when he did certain things that were just a part of who he was but for me, it was embarrassing.

As someone said above, it's different with friends but many people see a partner as a reflection on themselves. It's just not great for your self esteem to be with a partner who you can't feel proud of for whatever reason.

cookiemonster2468 · 10/12/2021 03:56

@HesBoughtAFuckingHat

I have wondered if he’s not entirely NT *@Hottbutterscotch*. I don’t think it would make me feel less embarrassed about it all if that turned out to be the case though.
I wondered this too, it sounds like there's a slight lack of social awareness and etiquette.

At the end of the day though it doesn't really matter if he's NT or not - his personality/ behaviour is what it is.

Original poster
HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 10/12/2021 07:05

@madisonbridges I don’t know if he’s embarrassed to be seen with me due to my facial disfigurement. Quite possibly, most of my ex boyfriends have been.

OP posts:
Original poster
HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 10/12/2021 07:07

He isn’t gay, I should’ve said not he is Blush

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 10/12/2021 07:13

[quote HesBoughtAFuckingHat]@madisonbridges I don’t know if he’s embarrassed to be seen with me due to my facial disfigurement. Quite possibly, most of my ex boyfriends have been.[/quote]
I feel sad for you reading that. Sad Do you think a lot of it is that you just don’t like attention being on you / drawn to you because of this?

Personally the stuff you’ve mentioned about him would drive me mad too, apart from the scooter. But I’m very introverted and just hate people being “out there”.

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 10/12/2021 07:16

I had a boyfriend who was the master of cringe. He loved to do karaoke but had no self awareness that he was horrible at it. I loved him very much. Glad I don’t have to listen to his karaoke anymore, mind you.

Gargellen · 10/12/2021 07:17

This is one stage just before the ick.

The ick never goes away.

CtrlU · 10/12/2021 07:18

His gay and going through a mid life crisis

BestZebbie · 10/12/2021 07:26

Hmm.....when you were a teenager did you get very embarrassed by your parents? Did you still love them? (Fancying someone you are embarrassed by may be a different matter, I admit).

OnlyAFleshWound · 10/12/2021 07:41

I don't think you love him, or at least you're not in love with him.

Also that behaviour IS cringey and inappropriate. I don't blame you for feeling embarrassed and I don't think it's your problem.

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