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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can you truly be in love with someone you find a bit embarrassing?

117 replies

HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 09/12/2021 20:56

Not all the time, obviously. I’ve been with dp for a couple of years and I really do love him. He’s genuinely my best friend in the world, we have such a good laugh together and I’ve never been happier in a relationship.

But I’ve realised how embarrassing I find some of the things he does. I couldn’t care less about him doing them when I’m not there but when we’re together I sometimes absolutely cringe. Some examples - we were at a spa and there were some water jets in the pool. He decided to aim them at his back as he was feeling a bit achey and proceeded to loudly groan as they touched his back. I told him he was being really loud and so he did it more quietly which just made it sound like he was have sex instead. Whenever we go on an outing anywhere he’ll want to take photos which is fine but he’ll spend a good 10 minutes taking pouty selfies which look absolutely ridiculous. Then yesterday he came home wearing the most ridiculous leather beret thing and looked really hurt when I laughed because I genuinely thought he was wearing it as a joke. I thought that was the end of it but we just went out for a drink and he wore it down the pub. A couple of people he knew commented on it in an obviously sarcastic way which he didn’t recognise as sarcasm and is now using as justification for continuing to wear the hat. He also wants an electric scooter for Christmas which is absolutely not happening. He’s pushing 50 ffs.

I know this probably reflects more on me than him and maybe I am a bit shallow. I’m not about to throw the relationship away because of his stupid hat but it has got me questioning whether I’m actually properly in love with him. Surely I shouldn’t get this embarrassed about my partner doing (relatively) normal things?

OP posts:
Mum0509 · 09/12/2021 21:03

He sounds hilarious, I'd not let that one go. Who cares what anybody thinks?

ISpyCobraKai · 09/12/2021 21:05

He sounds great.
I bought a non electric scooter this year btw, I'm 44.

MMMarmite · 09/12/2021 21:07

Hmm I don't know. I've experienced similar. I think it's partly about feeling like my partner is a reflection on me, so stuff that wouldn't bother me in a friend feels embarrassing in a partner. I've concluded that, as long as it's only occasional, it's probably just my own insecurity.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2021 21:09

I’m not about to throw the relationship away because of his stupid hat but it has got me questioning whether I’m actually properly in love with him.

That’s interesting. Only you know but I can see what you’re thinking based on these things have made you feel.

Do you think if you were really properly smitten you’d find yourself laughing indulgently and finding these traits of his charming rather than embarrassing?

Do you respect and admire him? Are you ever proud of him? Does being with him make you feel good about yourself?

TheRigatonini · 09/12/2021 21:10

He sounds like a scream OP. Send him my way.

ChirpyChirp · 09/12/2021 21:11

I'd find all of that embarrassing too and it would make me question my feelings for him. In 17 years I have never been embarrassed by my DH!

Knockoneofftheshelftowin · 09/12/2021 21:12

He sounds hilarious.
Hang on to him.

spotcheck · 09/12/2021 21:12

I know this probably reflects more on me than him and maybe I am a bit shallow

Yes

Do you generally look for approval from others?

SparklingLime · 09/12/2021 21:12

He sounds vain and unable to laugh at himself or see his own pretentiousness. That’s not attractive.

ravenmum · 09/12/2021 21:13

Are you just embarrassed at the attention because you're usually less outgoing, or do you actually feel ashamed to be associated with him, as you think he makes you look stupid?

HollowTalk · 09/12/2021 21:15

I would find that embarrassing because I think he sounds like an attention seeker.

Linguini · 09/12/2021 21:16

Aw I have to say I feel a bit sorry for him, he sounds quite endearing.
I will admit the things you describe would probably make me cringe too, but I have an odd sense of humour so I think that would override my bad feelings with more of a "oh bloody hell" type embarrassed laugh? If that makes sense?

Can you see the funny side?

ThePlantsitter · 09/12/2021 21:20

I find my H embarrassing at times tbh. But I definitely really love his weirdo self. If I find myself feeling embarrassed I give myself a stern talking to because who exactly do I care about? The people who think he's wearing a weird hat/like a child on a scooter, or him and me and the nice times we have together?

Having said all that we have been together years so I am now able to just be frank about horrible hats etc.

HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 09/12/2021 21:21

@AnneLovesGilbert I don’t know, I see people talking about their partners doing embarrassing stuff but they don’t really seem to mind or find it funny. I find it genuinely embarrassing and I can’t quite put my finger on why. I guess because it reflects on me, maybe.

OP posts:
CallMeBettyBoop · 09/12/2021 21:22

The pouty selfies and the leather beret would've finished it for me Grin

HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 09/12/2021 21:23

@Linguini I do see the funny side. If he was just wearing the hat without me I’d just smile and think “daft bugger”. But walking down the road I felt people were also judging me for holding hands with a man looking like the original policeman from the Village People.

OP posts:
Lacedwithgrace · 09/12/2021 21:28

That would give me the ick. DH and I have a lot of fun, but never embarass each other.

madisonbridges · 09/12/2021 21:30

😂😂😂 I think he sounds great. He loves his hat, let him get on with it. I guarantee you that you'll buy some clothing that he doesn't like as well. If that's his worse trait, you've got a good un.
But, @HesBoughtAFuckingHat, your user name sounds like you've got a sense of humour too.
Whatever, you've given me such a good laugh with him in his leather beret thinking he looks smart.

DerbyshireMama · 09/12/2021 21:31

Is he ghey?

Nedclarity · 09/12/2021 21:34

The selfies, that would put me off completely. The beret and the jets, he sounds quite fun and like he doesn’t take himself too seriously which i think is a good thing. Are you an introvert? Maybe his extrovert character is jarring with the side of you that wants to hide away? What did you think of this side of him when you first met, were they attractive to you or always a bit embarrassing?

Linguini · 09/12/2021 21:37

I think I know a bit how u feel.

I once fell madly in love with a man. Obsessively in love in fact. Thought he was god's gift. I met him while I worked in a bar in London and he was a regular, he'd often stay after closing hours so I got to know him quite well.
We definitely got to know each other well enough before jumping into bed then moving in together. Apart from one thing.

So, he was in a one-hit-wonder "cult following" type band. They still gigged, and played at low key music festivals. My point is he wasn't famous not in the slightest, but he sort of acted like or thought that he was.

He wore sunglasses. All the time, I mean ALL the time. At night. Inside. Inside the pub, inside shops. Eating in restaurants.

When he'd come into the venue I worked, he'd wear his shades and I'd think it was quirky, but honestly thought he was wearing them because he was at this bar, and he took them off elsewhere. I fell in love with him knowing he wore shades like "a bit too much" but when we got more serious I realized it was obsessive and found it really embarrassing.
He'd wear them at the cinema for goodness sake!

I'm not a shallow person, really, but I ended up feeling so embarrassed by his stubborn and relentless shade wearing, (despite dropping hints and suggestions as you can imagine) our relationship was completely unsustainable, which was a great shame because we were great together other than that. If I'd just "gotten over it/used to it" it'd worked probably, but I couldn't ignore my feelings and if anything the more I tried to fight feeling embarrassed/self conscious when out with him, the worse it got.

So my point is, I think your feelings of embarrassment are a sign you are fundamentally incompatible in some way, but you can probably work through it if it's worth it.
It might be you who needs to change though.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 09/12/2021 21:39

Have you got the ick, do you think?

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 09/12/2021 21:42

What's wrong with having a scooter at 50?

Sonaftersonafterson · 09/12/2021 21:42

I don't know why everyone is saying he sounds "great" and "hilarious'. He doesn't. A 50 year old taking pouting selfies and wearing a leather beret IS funny but not for the right reasons.

My ex DH who I loved dearly at the time used to do shit like this...and say stupid things too, it made me wanna die of embarrassment but ultimately had nothing to do with why we broke up. Some people are just a bit cringe.

nearlynermal · 09/12/2021 21:45

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

Have you got the ick, do you think?
Yeah, this was my thought.
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