Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you truly be in love with someone you find a bit embarrassing?

117 replies

HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 09/12/2021 20:56

Not all the time, obviously. I’ve been with dp for a couple of years and I really do love him. He’s genuinely my best friend in the world, we have such a good laugh together and I’ve never been happier in a relationship.

But I’ve realised how embarrassing I find some of the things he does. I couldn’t care less about him doing them when I’m not there but when we’re together I sometimes absolutely cringe. Some examples - we were at a spa and there were some water jets in the pool. He decided to aim them at his back as he was feeling a bit achey and proceeded to loudly groan as they touched his back. I told him he was being really loud and so he did it more quietly which just made it sound like he was have sex instead. Whenever we go on an outing anywhere he’ll want to take photos which is fine but he’ll spend a good 10 minutes taking pouty selfies which look absolutely ridiculous. Then yesterday he came home wearing the most ridiculous leather beret thing and looked really hurt when I laughed because I genuinely thought he was wearing it as a joke. I thought that was the end of it but we just went out for a drink and he wore it down the pub. A couple of people he knew commented on it in an obviously sarcastic way which he didn’t recognise as sarcasm and is now using as justification for continuing to wear the hat. He also wants an electric scooter for Christmas which is absolutely not happening. He’s pushing 50 ffs.

I know this probably reflects more on me than him and maybe I am a bit shallow. I’m not about to throw the relationship away because of his stupid hat but it has got me questioning whether I’m actually properly in love with him. Surely I shouldn’t get this embarrassed about my partner doing (relatively) normal things?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/12/2021 21:47

@CallMeBettyBoop

The pouty selfies and the leather beret would've finished it for me Grin
This.

The pouting would give me the Ick to be honest.

As for the hat, it sounds hilarious but laughing at him rather than with him, which isn't great.

Only you know if its a deal breaker.

I went out with a very nice guy nearly 40 years ago.

A really lovely guy.

One date he turned up in a pair of dungarees which he loved, he liked Dexy's Midnight runners.

It gave me the Ick.

5128gap · 09/12/2021 22:03

Nothing to do with how much you love him. Everything to do with your own confidence. You are embarrassed because you care that people will find his hat, scooter, groaning whatever, amusing and judge him, and judge you by extension. You can love someone very much and still lack the confidence to not care what others think.

HollowTalk · 09/12/2021 22:06

@CallMeBettyBoop

The pouty selfies and the leather beret would've finished it for me Grin
Especially if he's taking a selfie of himself with that beret on!
ponkydonkey · 09/12/2021 22:10

In my experience no not really you'll get the ick and he'll start to piss you off

RandomMess · 09/12/2021 22:14

Pouting selfies would have ended it for me. That actually would make me think he thinks he's some ultra cool bloke and I'd be cringing.

mewkins · 09/12/2021 22:14

@CallMeBettyBoop

The pouty selfies and the leather beret would've finished it for me Grin
And me. Different if we could both laugh at the beret together.
Reusablebags · 09/12/2021 22:15

I don’t understand how moaning at water jets, wearing a leather hat and taking pouty selfies makes someone sound like a good laugh. It’s hardly personality traits - they are at best neutral attributes and at worst, and in my opinion, negative attributes. I suspect it’s because this is at odds with your core beliefs/behaviour ie you want to enjoy an area and not be superficial and set-obsessed as numerous posed appearances indicate. Therefore you’re embarrassed as being with someone who does these things is at odds with your way of doing things and what you attach value to.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 09/12/2021 22:18

Long pouting selfie taking and leather beret’s..

Nope!

Weegiewtf · 09/12/2021 22:24

I remember when I was about 15 my dad telling me being embarrassed by another persons outfit or behaviour was a sign of immaturity and the more I thought of it, the more he’s rights.

What someone wears is no reflection of you as a person. Someone groaning at a waterjet may draw attention but to him not you unless you’re doing it too. If he’s not embarrassed by what he wears or how he groans why should you be? Why are you so concerned what others think of you? That is the real issue here.

Seriously, grow up.

madisonbridges · 09/12/2021 22:24

A 50 year old taking pouting selfies and wearing a leather beret IS funny but not for the right reasons.

He's in his 40s and he likes his hat. It's just clothes. Can't people be their own person anymore? Do we all have to conform to some anonymous fashion police? Good for him to have the confidence in his own sense of style. Why can't the op have enough self confidence to just smile and let him get on with it? If she behaved similarly with her son, people would be appalled and call her a controlling killjoy.

LubaLuca · 09/12/2021 22:24

He doesn't sound hilarious at all. He's not doing these things to be funny, and there's no fun in laughing at people. I'd be embarrassed by anyone taking loads of pouty selfies like that - does he keep and look back at them?

MintyGreenDream · 09/12/2021 22:28

I was embarrassed by my exH which later turned into distaste.

JuicySatsuma85 · 09/12/2021 22:32

People are saying he sounds “hilarious” & like a “good laugh”…yeah ok…but would you want to f*ck him? I certainly would get the ick from this behaviour.

JuicySatsuma85 · 09/12/2021 22:36

@madisonbridges

A 50 year old taking pouting selfies and wearing a leather beret IS funny but not for the right reasons.

He's in his 40s and he likes his hat. It's just clothes. Can't people be their own person anymore? Do we all have to conform to some anonymous fashion police? Good for him to have the confidence in his own sense of style. Why can't the op have enough self confidence to just smile and let him get on with it? If she behaved similarly with her son, people would be appalled and call her a controlling killjoy.

Surely you can see the difference between supporting your son to be his authentic self and whether or not you find a partners behaviour attractive? It isn’t trying to get someone to conform or change who they are to admit that you find elements of them aren’t sexually attractive to you. You can support your son wanting to wear a leather beret and still think your 50 year old partner looks unappealing to you in one.
MollysDolly · 09/12/2021 22:40

@LubaLuca

He doesn't sound hilarious at all. He's not doing these things to be funny, and there's no fun in laughing at people. I'd be embarrassed by anyone taking loads of pouty selfies like that - does he keep and look back at them?
Yep.

He sounds attention seeking and a bit of a man child. I wouldn't find that attractive either.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2021 22:46

Sounds like he's an attention seeker and that would make me cringe, which would make me less attracted / not attracted to them. Everyone's different OP - if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it!

LitCrit · 09/12/2021 22:53

@Linguini I’m so fascinated by this and can completely imagine your pain. Was it not fundamentally because you thought it showed a bumptiousness/unwarranted self-regard as well as the actual shades. And… did you tell him they were the true reason you were splitting?!

LitCrit · 09/12/2021 23:01

Op I think most of these could fall under the “has high self esteem’ banner apart from the pouting selfies - but I can imagine you might feel that the selfies somehow tip them all into attention-seeking territory.

threecupsofteaminimum · 09/12/2021 23:18

Is he gay

Hottbutterscotch · 09/12/2021 23:45

Some of that is very camp I’d say. I wouldn’t like it from a partner either.

Embarrassment is always about other people so there’s no point trying to unpack why you feel it. Nothing is embarrassing if no one is there to see it. I don’t know why anyone is saying we aren’t judged by those we keep proximity to. We absolutely are. I have friends I’ve broken ties with because they have behaved badly. I don’t want the association.
It sounds like others find him cringe too. The comment re the hat etc that he didn’t pick up on. It also made me wonder if he isn’t NT.

I would say you know you aren’t fully into him. You wouldn’t ask if you were.
Maybe just enjoy his company for now and see how it goes.

Also, what’s the ick?!

Original poster
HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 09/12/2021 23:55

I don’t have the “ick” as yet, I still fancy him and think he’s gorgeous. I’m sure it is my being an introvert jarring with him being a extrovert as some of you said. I don’t think he’s hugely self confident or a poser either though. He’s still coming to grips with having shaved his head as his hairline got to the combover stage and I know he’s incredibly insecure about that. I don’t know why he does the pouty selfies though. He jokes that it’s for his Tinder profile that he’ll need again when I dumped him but they are just so pouty.

I’m 99% certain he is gay as a few PP’s suggested. What have I listed from the embarrassing incidents that has suggested he’s gay? I could be wrong though!

A couple of other things he’s done that made me want to curl up and have the ground swallow me is doing the roof guttering wearing a fluorescent pink harness from a sex swing. He found it online when he was looking for a harness so he could climb out there relatively safer and the sex swing harness was about 50% less than a proper harness. Also being incredibly unaware of others around him. He never spots a queue in a shop, just walks to the front and puts his basket on the till or not noticing that you have to pay to go into a stately home and just wander straight past the lady selling tickets (he genuinely didn’t do this on purpose, he seems to have a complete blind spot for working out why someone might be where they are and what is expected to happen IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 09/12/2021 23:56

Does sounds like you have the ick.

DH occasionally does things I’m embarrassed by - mostly throwing tantrums about stuff in public, or carrying on a row with somebody (he doesn’t start rows, but he won’t drop it if someone else starts one with him). It’s rare. I am quite sure I do stuff that embarrasses him too.

What you are describing sounds like you are constantly feeling shown up by him, and are starting to feel embarrassed to be seen with him. I have literally never felt like that with DH, and it isn’t a great sign for the relationship that you are starting to feel contemptuous of him.

Original poster
HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 10/12/2021 00:00

I do care what other people think of me and I know it’s not healthy to do that. I have a slight facial disfigurement which always makes me the weird one in situations and to have DP inadvertently drawing attention to himself, and in turn me too, I feel like we’re a pair of weirdo’s. That’s not his fault though. I’m sure most people would find someone they love doing slightly daft/ eccentric things a bit daft and laugh it off but it really does just mortify me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 10/12/2021 00:02

I have wondered if he’s not entirely NT @Hottbutterscotch. I don’t think it would make me feel less embarrassed about it all if that turned out to be the case though.

OP posts:
Lightstoobright · 10/12/2021 00:03

This man sounds hilarious. The pink harness!
Please don't dump him OP. You have to keep updating the thread with his latest embarrassing thing!