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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you let 17 year old DD stay out overnight at boyfriends House.

107 replies

Moff2k · 09/12/2021 18:31

17 year old DD is asking to stay out all night this weekend with a new and her first bf. He is 17 also and they met at 6th form.
She rarely goes out and has given me a big spiel about how I'm being over protective and selfish saying no etc.
I'm divorced and in a 2 year relationship with DP. We don't live together and I often stay the night at his so she is basically saying why shouldn't she.
I'm so paranoid she will end up pregnant or something. I've pushed back but she's so upset and angry with me. I've only met him once, she didn't tell me about him but I tracked her down with a life 360 app the other weekend when she wasn't answering her phone and she was on a bus with him. She was furious with me and he was rude.
Should I start letting her ? I'm scared.

OP posts:

EllieSattler · 09/12/2021 18:32

She's likely already slept with him and she's 17 years old. Communicate with her and discuss contraception if you're worried about pregnancy but don't treat her like a child. She isn't a child, you can't stop her having sex.

escapingthecity · 09/12/2021 18:33

How long have they been together? Have you met his parents?

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 09/12/2021 18:35

Yes, I would. It's legal. All you can do is give her advice at this point. She's not doing anything wrong and you are projecting your anxieties onto her. She's nearly an adult.

Clymene · 09/12/2021 18:35

You really shouldn't be tracking your 17 year old. I'm not surprised she's furious with you.

You need to state treating her as the adult she nearly is if you want to keep your relationship going with her. Adversarial is not the right approach at this age.

Original poster

Moff2k · 09/12/2021 18:37

A couple of months apparently. They haven't been out much, she doesn't really go out but I suspect that will change. I haven't met the parents, apparently he doesn't have a good relationship with them and she said he says his dad is " a drinker ".
They would be staying at his older sisters house who has 2 small children and he looks after them occasionally at weekends while she goes out ?

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2021 18:37

Mine does and he stays here but they don’t share a room

HesBoughtAFuckingHat · 09/12/2021 18:40

Tracking your 17 year old daughter is so disrespectful. She’s going to sleep with him anyway, she’s legally allowed to sleep with him. Wouldn’t you prefer it happened somewhere safe and comfortable? You’re going to push her away by behaving as if she’s 14 still.

ElectraBlue · 09/12/2021 18:41

You are tracking a 17 year old? seriously? what exactly is so wrong with her spending time with her boyfriend and being with him on a bus?

She probably had not told you about him before because she knew you would over-react...

It is perfectly normal for her to have a boyfriend at her age and it is likely that she is or will be sexually active with him.

Do you want to riddle her with angst or do you want her to learn positive messages about relationships? You need to have a talk about contraception with her not let your fears and paranoia turn this into a complete drama.

Valhalla17 · 09/12/2021 18:41

I wouldn't, she can go but she needs to be back at whatever time her curfew normally is.

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 18:42

I'd let her stay over.

Mushrooms0up · 09/12/2021 18:43

Why don’t you have him to stay at yours and get to know him a bit? He can go in a spare room the first couple of times.

QueenofLouisiana · 09/12/2021 18:43

What are his parents saying? We happily have DS's GF stay over, but I ask that they have separate rooms. I know that they may well have sex before they go to different rooms for the night or in the morning- or whenever really, but I think they need the option of sleeping apart too!

So although she stays over, it's not quite as dramatic as it sounds.

We keep talking to DS, keep reminding him about contraception etc. He knows he can talk through things with us. He's a young adult, as is she, we are all working together to re-shape our family dynamics with this in mind.

RedHot22 · 09/12/2021 18:44

I would and did.
When mine were late teens that was a box in the cupboard full of condoms. They could help themselves.

It’s perfectly normal you know.

BestZebbie · 09/12/2021 18:44

Yes, it is fine. (I assume you taught her about consent and contraception several years ago, if not, this would be a good time!)

I went to university at the other end of the country at 17, and got a boyfriend there, like 80% of the other girls in my year…

Keke94LND · 09/12/2021 18:44

My mum never let me stay round boyfriends houses when I was that age, I had sex with them in cars, fields and against trees instead.. which would you rather 🤣

MondayYogurt · 09/12/2021 18:45

Invite him to your house.

MollysDolly · 09/12/2021 18:46

Yes, I'd be totally fine, as long as we'd had the contraception talk.

Hoesbeforebroes · 09/12/2021 18:47

I'm surprised and impressed you still get a say... my 17yo would just go if I said no. (Which I wouldn't in this situation. )

Tomthumbsbigbum · 09/12/2021 18:51

They'll have sex regardless of whether you let her stay or not. A lot of teenagers are sexually active long before age 17. Get her some condoms, have the chat about consent and maybe consider getting her on the pill/implant etc.

whatnumber · 09/12/2021 19:02

I'm not sure if you have a say really!
I think you should work on improving your relationship with that in mind and treat her like an adult. You will always be there for a chat and advise and to help with anything she needs but the days of controlling her are over.

bloodyhoodedeyes · 09/12/2021 19:03

Please just let her go, and stop tracking her? When will she get to gain your trust.

Also they have no doubt had sex already.

Steamedhams · 09/12/2021 19:04

I can understand your trepidation. You should tell her the red flags of families who drink as you have reported. The fact that the boyfriend was rude to you would be an instant no from me. Does she normally make friends with people who aren't good for her? I would go careful not to be confrontational with her though and explain how much you love her. You don't want to cramp their style but equally don't want her to end up trapped with some loser and his loser family.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 09/12/2021 19:07

Wow. I didn’t even live at home at 17 much less expect to be tracked by my parents.

Back off before you drive her away.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/12/2021 19:11

It sounds like her life is changing and I’d start thinking generally about your ground rules/ communication with her.

Definitely talk to her about contraception.

Invite him round

Work out what you want the house rules to be at your own home. Mine are going to be that no one stays the night until it’s a relationship of 6 months Ny reasons for that ;which I would explain) are: everyone in the house needs to be comfortable with guests staying and face the opportunity to get to know them beforehand. I don’t want my kids to move too fast in relationships - staying overnight gives a level of commitment that I want them to feel ready for and not something that just automatically happens with every partner. I want their home to be their safe place and for them to be able to keep it separate until they make a conscious decision to merge the two. I feel that some kids get into relationships that they feel pressured into because they just drift there because of lack of boundaries.

Talk to her about this kind of stuff as well. It might make her think

MrsTimRiggins · 09/12/2021 19:26

Why are you tracking your seventeen year old daughter and then having a go at her with what you’ve found out?! That’s appalling, and all that serves to do is push her away.
She should be able to act as she pleases, without judgement and attempts at control by an overbearing mother.

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