Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you let 17 year old DD stay out overnight at boyfriends House.

107 replies

Moff2k · 09/12/2021 18:31

17 year old DD is asking to stay out all night this weekend with a new and her first bf. He is 17 also and they met at 6th form.
She rarely goes out and has given me a big spiel about how I'm being over protective and selfish saying no etc.
I'm divorced and in a 2 year relationship with DP. We don't live together and I often stay the night at his so she is basically saying why shouldn't she.
I'm so paranoid she will end up pregnant or something. I've pushed back but she's so upset and angry with me. I've only met him once, she didn't tell me about him but I tracked her down with a life 360 app the other weekend when she wasn't answering her phone and she was on a bus with him. She was furious with me and he was rude.
Should I start letting her ? I'm scared.

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 10/12/2021 01:32

Yes. I let my DS at that age.

EmmaOvary · 10/12/2021 10:03

I had a mother like this. We don't speak much now.

Kitkat151 · 10/12/2021 10:04

@Valhalla17

I wouldn't, she can go but she needs to be back at whatever time her curfew normally is.
Your 17 year old has a curfew🙄
BoudecaBains · 10/12/2021 10:06

Stopping teenagers having sex - good luck with that !.

Cas112 · 10/12/2021 10:09

I cant believe you tracked her and turned up, that sounds like something my mum would have done and let me tell you we don't have the closest relationship.

You need to start respecting your daughters boundaries, she might be will to trust you more then and tell you things, that means a healthier relationship

SoupDragon · 10/12/2021 10:11

I'm so paranoid she will end up pregnant or something

Then have a talk about contraception!

SoupDragon · 10/12/2021 10:12

@AlwaysLatte

I'd rather invite him to stay with her - easier to keep an eye on things.
Keep an eye on what exactly? She's 17!
Ellen888 · 10/12/2021 10:22

@Cas112

I cant believe you tracked her and turned up, that sounds like something my mum would have done and let me tell you we don't have the closest relationship.

You need to start respecting your daughters boundaries, she might be will to trust you more then and tell you things, that means a healthier relationship

Where does it say she actually turned up?

And what boundaries are we talking about here?

It's the mother that needs to develop boundaries and stop this hormonal teenager throwing strops when she doesn't get her own way.
The boy needs to be evaluated with regard to his intentions and boundaries. He's a minor and should be respecting adults, especially his girlfriend's mother.

It seems some serious talking is needed here. Hmm

GrannytoaUnicorn · 10/12/2021 10:26

@Moff2k
I'd lived alone almost two years when I was 17! 

Nevertime · 10/12/2021 10:26

I wouldn't like it (for reasons that are definitely my problem) but would ultimately come to the decision that I have little choice. I'd also let him stay at yours, especially on the nights you aren't there.

Have a conversation about contraception/respect/consent etc.

Ellen888 · 10/12/2021 10:42

@Nevertime

I wouldn't like it (for reasons that are definitely my problem) but would ultimately come to the decision that I have little choice. I'd also let him stay at yours, especially on the nights you aren't there.

Have a conversation about contraception/respect/consent etc.

I don't believe I'm reading this Shock

The OP knows nothing about this boy and has only met him once (and his parents not at all). You are seriously suggesting she allow this stranger to stay overnight while away?

What's to stop him bringing some booze and then asking some of his mates over for a 'piece of the action', while recording it and sending it around school?

Does he understand about consent?

Nevertime · 10/12/2021 10:46

*The OP knows nothing about this boy and has only met him once (and his parents not at all). You are seriously suggesting she allow this stranger to stay overnight while away?

What's to stop him bringing some booze and then asking some of his mates over for a 'piece of the action', while recording it and sending it around school?

Does he understand about consent?*

DD is 17yo. There comes a time when you have to trust DC to choose their own friends and it's better that the two of them are safe at home than elsewhere. Not allowing him in her home won't prevent the behaviour you describe if that's what he's after.

OP can never know for sure if her DD's boyfriends know about consent, which is why DD must know.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2021 10:50

Op she’s nearly an adult. What you going to do, lock her up till she turns 18? You’re off shagging, hopefully you’ve brought her up well enough to understand contraception and body autonmy, stopping her staying over won’t stop her getting pregnant. Good role model and honest talking and education as she grew up does that.

SoupDragon · 10/12/2021 10:52

He's a minor and should be respecting adults, especially his girlfriend's mother.

Respect has to be earned. Tracking down your 17 year old DD using a phone app does not earn respect.

Cas112 · 10/12/2021 11:07

@Ellen888

The girl is 17. Controlling her will only lead her to be more secretive.

Ellen888 · 10/12/2021 11:07

@SoupDragon

He's a minor and should be respecting adults, especially his girlfriend's mother.

Respect has to be earned. Tracking down your 17 year old DD using a phone app does not earn respect.

Horseradish.

She did not respect her mother by not answering her 'phone and letting her mum know where she was. The boyfriend has picked up on that disrespect and was rude.

It seems there are no consequences to bad behaviour for this girl and she hasn't been taught about boundaries.

Technically, a person with parental responsibility for a child, who fails to look after that child, could be prosecuted for child neglect.

The girl is a child until 18.

Topseyt · 10/12/2021 11:08

I think I would be pretty rude if a friend's parent tracked us down using a phone app and then turned up in person behaving like a controlling arsehole. Anyone would get defensive in that situation and I think you owe them both a very big apology.

Why not invite her boyfriend to your house occasionally? Get to know what he is really like? Just because his Dad is a drinker doesn't necessarily mean that he is. He might be, but on the other hand he might hate everything his Dad represents and be trying not to replicate it. You'll never know if you make no effort to get to know him and you simply hoik up your judgy pants all the time.

Sorry OP, but you have handled this badly. You should let her stay over with her boyfriend. If she has suitable contraception in place then what is the issue? At this age you provide guidance, support and a safe place to come to when needed. You don't parent a 17 year old like a 7 year old, that is totally inappropriate and intrusive. You are lucky your DD hasn't told you to bugger off.

Ellen888 · 10/12/2021 11:10

Tops

"I think I would be pretty rude if a friend's parent tracked us down using a phone app and then turned up in person behaving like a controlling arsehole. "

Where does it say she did this ??? Confused

EvilPea · 10/12/2021 11:13

God when I was 17 I was buying a house with mine, I didn’t ask my parent permission about anything. Just told them what they needed to know, why would I?

All you can do is teach her to be sensible, be careful with her heart and contraception. If his house isn’t a ‘safe’ space. I would be inviting him round and making an effort to encourage them to be at yours. That way you can keep an eye on them and you might even get to like him.

Topseyt · 10/12/2021 11:15

@Ellen888

Tops

"I think I would be pretty rude if a friend's parent tracked us down using a phone app and then turned up in person behaving like a controlling arsehole. "

Where does it say she did this ??? Confused

It is in the OP that she tracked them using the phone app. How would he have been rude to her if she hadn't been there? Also, she somehow knew they were on the bus together.

Like your "horseradish" comment earlier, btw. I assume you meant horseshit, but random horseradish is better. 🤣🤣

liveforsummer · 10/12/2021 11:21

Wow, she's 17. Am I reading this right, you tracked her the second she didn't answer the phone? I'm not surprised she was annoyed. Unless there's a drip feed and dd has some ASN then, I know this isn't aibu but you are being massively unreasonable. A few posters saying OP's rules when she's under your roof, it's a good way for her to not be under her roof anymore I guess

MintyCedric · 10/12/2021 11:23

Let's be honest, there's a middle ground here.

Why not say to your DD 'Look, we got off to a bad start. Why don't you ask him round here firat so I can meet him properly, and we'll take it from there as far as staying over is concerned'.

If his sister trusts him to look after her kids he must have something about him, and it sounds as though he's trying to avoid the dad and his issues.

I don't blame you for being concerned and putting some boundaries in place while you get a better feel for the situation (as I said upthread I wouldn't be happy about her just going off to spend the night at his sisters either), but there needs to be some effort to meet halfway on your part too.

SavageBeauty73 · 10/12/2021 11:24

How weird. She's 17. Talk about safe sex and let her go.

Ellen888 · 10/12/2021 11:24

For info,

UN convention of the rights of the child;

"Article 29 (goals of education)
Education must develop every child’s
personality, talents and abilities to the
full. It must encourage the child’s respect
for human rights, ^as well as respect
for their parents^, their own and other
cultures, and the environment

(My italics)

I'm going to bow out now and let all the other 'cool' parents carry on.

Don't be surprised though if we don't get a thread weeks later about a teenage girl causing her mother more problems... Hmm

liveforsummer · 10/12/2021 11:30

@Ellen888

For info,

UN convention of the rights of the child;

"Article 29 (goals of education)
Education must develop every child’s
personality, talents and abilities to the
full. It must encourage the child’s respect
for human rights, ^as well as respect
for their parents^, their own and other
cultures, and the environment

(My italics)

I'm going to bow out now and let all the other 'cool' parents carry on.

Don't be surprised though if we don't get a thread weeks later about a teenage girl causing her mother more problems... Hmm

Not sure what that has to do with this subject. It's about formal education. Anyway this 'child' is nearly 18 and yes I expect she will begin to cause problems if restricted to this level and TRACKED for simply not answering the phone. My 11 year old sometimes doesn't answer her phone. I've never gone to the extreme of tracking her for it. Wow!