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Original poster

Would you let 17 year old DD stay out overnight at boyfriends House.

107 replies

Moff2k · 09/12/2021 18:31

17 year old DD is asking to stay out all night this weekend with a new and her first bf. He is 17 also and they met at 6th form.
She rarely goes out and has given me a big spiel about how I'm being over protective and selfish saying no etc.
I'm divorced and in a 2 year relationship with DP. We don't live together and I often stay the night at his so she is basically saying why shouldn't she.
I'm so paranoid she will end up pregnant or something. I've pushed back but she's so upset and angry with me. I've only met him once, she didn't tell me about him but I tracked her down with a life 360 app the other weekend when she wasn't answering her phone and she was on a bus with him. She was furious with me and he was rude.
Should I start letting her ? I'm scared.

OP posts:
ruabon1977 · 09/12/2021 19:52

I would not.

I do agree that discussions about contraception and especially about respect should be had with your DD, regardless of your decision.

DemelzaandRoss · 09/12/2021 19:54

Tracking your daughter at the age of 17 isn’t going to help your relationship with her. Possibly next year she will be at University & completely free to do whatever she chooses.
Time to give her more freedom.

millymolls · 09/12/2021 20:14

You’re way I wrong protective and risk completely alienating her!
Talk to her about your fears but ultimately respect and trust her

millymolls · 09/12/2021 20:15

Terrible spelling ! Meant to say you’re way over protective

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/12/2021 20:18

She's 17 - a year over the age of consent, old enough to legally leave home and in a year she'll be fully adult and able to vote.

So no, you should not be trying to stop her staying at her boyfriends house. If you want her to behave responsibly, you have to behave responsibly, which means have a grown up conversation with her about birth control, and lay out reasonable ground rules eg that she let's you known where she is, roughly when she'll be home and texts if her plans change. It's your house, not a hotel, so you are entitled to ask for this, but what you aren't entitled to do is treat a 17 year old semi-adult like a child or track her to a bus (unless she hadn't answered her phone all day that is high level nuts FYI).

Newmama29 · 09/12/2021 20:20

Tracking your 17 year old daughter is out of line & a complete violation of her boundaries. She is 17, she is legally allowed to consent, she can get married here in Scotland! I don’t understand this narrative with parents that teenagers can only have sex at night when they sleep over at each other’s houses. The likelihood they’ve already had sex is high. I suggest you allow your 17 year old to have a life & educate her on safe sex & relationships, keep an open line of communication with her, at this rate you are only going to push her away.

Ellen888 · 09/12/2021 20:20

@ruabon1977

I would not.

I do agree that discussions about contraception and especially about respect should be had with your DD, regardless of your decision.

This ^

While she's living under your roof = your rules.

If she goes to Uni at 18 then she can do as she pleases.

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 09/12/2021 20:20

I would, I would have him stay with you rather than them having to go to his sisters house. Just make sure you have a talk about contraception maybe ask her if she would like you to book her a doctors app for some advice on various contraceptions. Also get her some condoms to keep in her room.

KeepApart · 09/12/2021 20:26

I really don't think think 17yo being on a bus with their boyfriend is the dramatic turn of events you think it is

When you say you tracked her down, did you actually properly go and find her, or did you just see where she was on life360. Because it seems like you actually followed her which is bizarre behaviour

At 17 she is old enough to make a decision about who she has sex with, and she's also old enough to readily take contraception and understand the consequence if she doesn't. You need to let her grow up

Eyecycle · 09/12/2021 20:29

Totally ... would you prefer that they had sex in a warm comfortable home overseen by a responsible elder sister or up the back of an alley?

For heavans sake help take care of contraception (we had a tub of condoms available in the bathroom... encouraged our sons to give them to their mates if needed.. you can get them free from most GPs).

roadwarrior · 09/12/2021 20:33

Rude boyfriend with a father described as a "drinker". Nope, no way, no chance in hell. When she moves out she can do whatever she wants, but as long as she's under my roof, it's my rules.

Bellafrenum · 09/12/2021 20:35

Not going to his house won't stop them having sex. I would let her because I would rather her be comfortable.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 09/12/2021 20:38

I left home at 17. Be careful you don't push your dd too far..

RedHot22 · 09/12/2021 20:40

People don’t just have sex at night either.

Soyouthought · 09/12/2021 20:40

Yes of course Its fine. She’s now 19 and we have a lovely relationship with her and her boyfriend who stays over here regularly

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/12/2021 20:48

Yes, I would. At that age I've respected my children's rights to make their own decisions in these matters. At 17 I was certainly off doing the same thing myself but not telling my parents. In fact, I did a lot without telling them, because I couldn't trust their responses. As for the boyfriend being rude to you - what did he do or say that you found rude? If I've understood correctly, you turned up in person having tracked them down using an app, and you said your DD was furious with you, so it was presumably an awkward situation all round. He probably thought you were behaving very strangely.

Lacedwithgrace · 09/12/2021 20:50

Speak to her about consent and contraception, get her condoms and talk about the pill. They're better off having sex in a house than in a hedge or something.

Soyouthought · 09/12/2021 20:50

Oh missed the bit when you tracked her. Why would you?

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 09/12/2021 20:51

She’s 17, not a young teenager. You don’t have to like it but she needs to make her own decisions. You can dictate what happens under your roof, not what she does outside.

NowEvenBetter · 09/12/2021 20:53

Did you actually hunt down your daughter in person?? How embarrassing for you, no wonder the boyfriend was rude.
Did you educate her in consent, contraception etc many years ago?
It’s ok for you to have sleepovers with your boyfriend, but not ok for her? Clarify why.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 09/12/2021 20:54

At 17 can you really stop her? I didn't ask permission at that age to say out overnight.

HunkyPunk · 09/12/2021 20:58

I’m slightly nonplussed by the talk of tracking and curfews for 17 year olds!

weegiemum · 09/12/2021 21:11

My dd2 was 18 last week and has been staying at her boyfriends/him staying here for about 6 months. They've been together a year. We did briefly meet his parents the first time we dropped them off there.

Before this we had a frank chat about contraception and she asked me to go with her to the sexual health clinic and she got the implant.

If they stay here they have to fight ds (19) and his girlfriend for the spare room as they each have small bedrooms with single beds. All we ask is that the sheets are changed and that we don't hear anything that they wouldn't want us to hear!

I'd never think to track where she (or her siblings - dd1 has left home) is, and she's pretty up front about what she's up to. She's either at college, at work or out with him/friends. I've found that treating her like an adult has her behaving like one.

I'd be a bit worried about his dad being a drinker though.

waterrat · 09/12/2021 21:14

Wow op I'm surprised she is still asking permission. At 17 I was pretty much out on my own timetable.

I don't believe in tracking kids but can just about get why people track a 12 or 13 ye old if they are anxious about them starting to go out

Your daughter is becoming an adult she needs to learn to manage risk on her own. She needs to decide fir herself about sex and birth control etc. You can't control her like this anymore

waterrat · 09/12/2021 21:16

Have a think about why she isn't telling you thr truth about having a boyfriend at 17 when that is totally normal and healthy. You are being overly controlling and if you aren't careful you will lose your relationship with her