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Original poster

Would you let 17 year old DD stay out overnight at boyfriends House.

107 replies

Moff2k · 09/12/2021 18:31

17 year old DD is asking to stay out all night this weekend with a new and her first bf. He is 17 also and they met at 6th form.
She rarely goes out and has given me a big spiel about how I'm being over protective and selfish saying no etc.
I'm divorced and in a 2 year relationship with DP. We don't live together and I often stay the night at his so she is basically saying why shouldn't she.
I'm so paranoid she will end up pregnant or something. I've pushed back but she's so upset and angry with me. I've only met him once, she didn't tell me about him but I tracked her down with a life 360 app the other weekend when she wasn't answering her phone and she was on a bus with him. She was furious with me and he was rude.
Should I start letting her ? I'm scared.

OP posts:
Sead · 09/12/2021 21:20

Can he stay over in yours? Would be easier to get to know him if your not comfortable with her staying out all night! He prob stays anyway when your away for the night 😂

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 09/12/2021 21:20

@HunkyPunk

I’m slightly nonplussed by the talk of tracking and curfews for 17 year olds!
Me too. I had to let my parents know roughly what time I planned to be back (so they didn't worry), be respectful when coming in (ie not wake the whole house) and let them know if I was going to stay out all night so they didn't worry.
AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 09/12/2021 21:22

Although to be fair not all 17 year olds will be having sex.

Pollaidh · 09/12/2021 21:23

She's 17! I would say I was a late starter, but even I had slept over at a boyfriend's house by that age, 20+ years ago.

I think you need to start treating her as the adult she is. You can have rules about what is allowed at your house, but know that she can do what she wants elsewhere. For safety's sake I would open your house to him, get to know him, and at least then things are happening under your own roof, where there's safety.

Also talk to her to make sure she has access to the pill if she wants, a ready supply of condoms, knows about protection and why protection against pregnancy AND STDSs is important. Also talk to her about morning after pill etc, and healthy relationships. You may need to go very carefully here as she's probably not very amenable to talking openly after what you've done.

If you have open and supportive communication then hopefully she'll come to you if she ever needs it. Tracking her and acting like you have been is more likely to make her pull away and actually puts her at more risk.

Ohdofuckoffcovid · 09/12/2021 21:24

Shes nearly an adult. Her choice

Tee20x · 09/12/2021 21:26

Why are you tracking a 17 year old. My God she's not 7. At this age it's not really about "letting" her do anything. She's basically an adult and is entitled to make her own decisions. What you need to do is be supportive and keep and open door so that if she needs you she feels comfortable confiding in you. If you carry on like this you will just be pushing her away.

When I read threads like these I often wonder if the parents have forgotten their own childhood/late teen years.

Hadalifeonce · 09/12/2021 21:27

I always said I wouldn't, until DD had a serious boyfriend. I just made sure contraception was in place though.

Cameleongirl · 09/12/2021 21:28

Is she on reliable contraception? Personally I don’t consider just condoms reliable contraception for teenagers, they’re so fertile.

If she’s not, I’d suggest that she gets that sorted out first; if she is, she’s old enough to stay over.

spotcheck · 09/12/2021 21:29

Invite him round- get to know him.

Have a chat about sex. If the guy was rude to you, then he is probably not a good un.

If you alienate her, she will cling to him, so get to know him,and practice your coat hanger smile.

To everyone who is aghast at her DD being tracked, you know they all track each other, right?

Although going off at her for being on a bus with him was maybe a bit far....

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 09/12/2021 21:38

When I read threads like these I often wonder if the parents have forgotten their own childhood/late teen years

Nah, it's because they remember that they worry!!

NerrSnerr · 09/12/2021 21:45

@roadwarrior

Rude boyfriend with a father described as a "drinker". Nope, no way, no chance in hell. When she moves out she can do whatever she wants, but as long as she's under my roof, it's my rules.
That may just push her to move out and possibly move in with the rude boyfriend and drunk father and she'd then have no support.
OnlyAFleshWound · 09/12/2021 22:03

At 17 I lived with my boyfriend on the other side of London. It's none of your business

Ellen888 · 09/12/2021 22:11

@OnlyAFleshWound

At 17 I lived with my boyfriend on the other side of London. It's none of your business
Yes it is, while they live under her roof.

No it isn't if, she is was in your situation.

Ellen888 · 09/12/2021 22:23

NerrSnerr
"That may just push her to move out and possibly move in with the rude boyfriend and drunk father and she'd then have no support."

That would be her choice.

Don't forget teenagers don't want support. They invented sex and know everything there is to know about life Hmm
might be a good idea to let her see what real life is all about.....

MintyCedric · 09/12/2021 22:28

Also have a DD17.

Would have no problem with her staying over with a boyfriend of 2 months.

Would have a massive problem with her lying about her whereabouts and her boyfriend being rude, so until those factors were addressed I wouldn't be endorsing sleepovers

Seadad · 09/12/2021 22:31

Well OP - in a matter of moths she will be a legal adult - and she can do what she wants. But young people don't just become adults - they learn by practice.
And you really aren't teaching her anything. You need to have a conversation with her about contraception- and that is going to be very much harder because you have broken her trust by tracking her without her knowledge.

As for the ones saying -'while it's under my roof' - no - you don't get to dictate to other people because you provide for them- its just controlling. Oh- and it's dripping in hypocrisy when you happily stay over at your boyfriends overnight.

I think you need to face up to the fact that your daughter is very likely, quite soon to:

  • become an adult
  • have sex
-do things you disapprove of
  • make mistakes in life

And the best thing you can do is support her to become self reliant, so that she can learn to depend on herself to make good choices, rather than be prevented from having any choice. That's how mothers create a manchild and daughters that never call them.

ISpyCobraKai · 09/12/2021 22:31

My Dd moved in her her BF when she was 17.
She's 20 now and they're still together, it'll be 5yrs in February.

CourtRand · 09/12/2021 22:37

Yes. I was at that age. Pretty normal she'll be an adult soon. So long as she's using contraception.

cheninblanc · 09/12/2021 22:52

Yes I would. She's asked, not lied and you have an ioen discussion about contraception and consent. My daughter asked and with an open chat on both sides it was fine. She's sensible enough to talk it out with you

LightSpeeds · 09/12/2021 23:11

Two of my girls entered into long relationships (of 3 and 4 years in length, respectively) at the age of 14 so eventually sex was going to be an issue; there's no point having hysterics about it.

Treat her with respect and like the almost-adult she is, and try to get on with her boyfriend even if you're not sure about him. He's young so you'll probably need to be quite forgiving. I certainly needed to be with my girls' boyfriends but we all got on pretty well in the end and had a lot of memorable times.

timestheyarechanging · 09/12/2021 23:15

Yes you should. Just ensure she knows about consent and contraception. My mum would never let a boyfriend stay over so I just stayed at their's, or anywhere.
My daughter didn't have a proper boyfriend until she was 20 but, once it was an exclusive relationship, he stayed over (they're still together 2 yrs on).
My son and his girlfriend are 17 and she stays over in his room from a couple of months ago, once I'd checked with her parents. They are sensible and have been dating almost a year. They're intelligent and and aware of the consequences of having sex - physically and emotionally, because I've talked to them, as has his dad and presumably her parents.
Your daughter is going to have sex, make it as safe as possible.

BoredZelda · 10/12/2021 00:10

Nope.

BobbieT1999 · 10/12/2021 00:18

Op, in the nicest possibly way, back off and let her be a 17yo. Yes, I think you should let her stay over at his.

Let her know she can come to you without gear of judgement if she ever needs help.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 10/12/2021 01:13

The boyfriend may have been rude because his girlfriend’s mum was behaving in an intrusive and controlling way and reacting strangely to his presence?

And why is the fact that his dad is ‘a drinker’ a reflection on the boyfriend? He doesn’t even get on with his dad? And they won’t be at his parents’ house so not around the dad. But tbh at 17 she is old enough to have conversations about safety and to leave if she isn’t comfortable.

OP, you are being inappropriate and will alienate your daughter.

AlwaysLatte · 10/12/2021 01:14

I'd rather invite him to stay with her - easier to keep an eye on things.