Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi, new to this

(Happy to be told to bugger off and create another thread if this is not in keeping/derailing, just seems to be a lot of experience here, and half the thread is about pensions ...)

I have three (two of whom very young) DC and wondering if/how people dated using OLD if they were in a similar position? Paying for a childminder every time I meet a potential date for a drink seems galling. Do people even see you as an option with multiple DC or have I realistically just halved (quartered?!) the people that will be interested, just through my circumstances?

I know OLD can be ruthless. I've been reading this thread for a while now, and feeling quite intimidated. I did join a site a while ago, for a day, and it was a self esteem boost to get a few "aren't you nice" , but then one guy, just kept on "you've got three kids???? THREE???" and it really upset me.

I guess I want a bit of a reality check. Whilst I know, that guy was a dick with the tact and diplomacy of Jeremy Clarkson, I do think he was just saying out loud what most men will think. Do others agree, from their experience? I do want to point out, that in no way, do I feel apologetic for having 3 wonderful children. But a realistic heads up of how narrow my dating pool is likely to be because of this, would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you x

@MollysDolly

Welcome, I'm childfree so I won't comment on organisation, but I can see lots of dating success from mothers both on this thread and IRL (it's pretty much the norm to meet lovely successful couples and be made aware later that it's a blended family set-up!)

So I guess you just have to do the sifting/working through the contacts stuff same as anyone else?

If it's any comfort I'm childfree (as are a few other threadies) and I think our experience is being childfree doesn't ensure "protection" from all the rude freaks and flakes and weirdos online! They target everyone.

With the guy going on about your kids, I'd just be ruthless and block ASAP as soon as he got annoying.

There's lots of these "types" and they just need to be eliminated - if it's not your kids, he'd be onto someone else going on about their job or something in one of their photos.

@MollysDolly

Hi, new to this

(Happy to be told to bugger off and create another thread if this is not in keeping/derailing, just seems to be a lot of experience here, and half the thread is about pensions ...)

I have three (two of whom very young) DC and wondering if/how people dated using OLD if they were in a similar position? Paying for a childminder every time I meet a potential date for a drink seems galling. Do people even see you as an option with multiple DC or have I realistically just halved (quartered?!) the people that will be interested, just through my circumstances?

I know OLD can be ruthless. I've been reading this thread for a while now, and feeling quite intimidated. I did join a site a while ago, for a day, and it was a self esteem boost to get a few "aren't you nice" , but then one guy, just kept on "you've got three kids???? THREE???" and it really upset me.

I guess I want a bit of a reality check. Whilst I know, that guy was a dick with the tact and diplomacy of Jeremy Clarkson, I do think he was just saying out loud what most men will think. Do others agree, from their experience? I do want to point out, that in no way, do I feel apologetic for having 3 wonderful children. But a realistic heads up of how narrow my dating pool is likely to be because of this, would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you x

Hello! I’m pretty new on these thread too (you wouldn’t know because of how much I brain dump!). I have 3 kids too though I’m lucky in that they are older (as ex isn’t around but we can figure out enough childcare - overnights would be tricky though). I found it really uncomfortable at first as I was basically apologising for having kids, but honestly? If you’re looking for something serious it’s an excellent way to weed out the bad ones.

Mr Tux had a priceless look when he realised that with his DD he would be outnumbered 5/1 on the female / male spectrum but seems ok with it now!

A small pool isn’t a bad thing (unless you just want hookups then who cares if you have kids?) - you only need one!

You definitely need to have a thick skin though. I had to make the mind shift on - if I stop talking to this one there will be NOONE else to take their place! What if I’m losing out on the love of my life!

I have a constant stream of interested parties (I should probably hide my profile 😅) and there’s no harm in giving it a go and seeing how life works around it. I’m a firm believer that if you want something, life will bend around it. Worst case? It doesn’t work, but you tried at least!

I’ll leave it to everyone else for logistics!

Definitely looking for something serious. I'm quite old fashioned, and date to marry, not for fun. I'm not treating every date as an immediate husband in waiting, but it's my end goal of the dating process.

Following abusive relationship, I haven't got it in me to be out on hook ups, multi dating, or girl about town. I wish I could in some respects, but it's just not in me any more.

I just want someone nice, and kind, to come home too. That's me happy.

Is OLD sounding like it's not the place for me?

@mollysdolly I also have 3 kids. Cant say anyone has ever admitted it put them off but I've always been clear I'm not looking for a stepdad for them - in fact my kids aren't even aware that I have been dating/going on dates over the past 2 years. I use my childfree time to date when they are with their dad so not an excessive amount of time avail but enough to date

@MollysDolly

Definitely looking for something serious. I'm quite old fashioned, and date to marry, not for fun. I'm not treating every date as an immediate husband in waiting, but it's my end goal of the dating process.

Following abusive relationship, I haven't got it in me to be out on hook ups, multi dating, or girl about town. I wish I could in some respects, but it's just not in me any more.

I just want someone nice, and kind, to come home too. That's me happy.

Is OLD sounding like it's not the place for me?

So, I have some things for you to think about - you don’t need to post the answers on the thread and I don’t have a yardstick on what the right answers are but they are things to think about.

What have you done to heal from the abusive relationship? Freedom course etc? Can you name the key factors of abuse and do you believe they are not ok? Counselling? Extended your social network after being isolated? You don’t need to tick every box but they are all key things. While it’s absolutely not your fault for what you’ve been through, there will be reasons why you were vulnerable to it.

In OLD you will absolutely have people who prey on these things if you don’t see them IMO. As a stepping stone, if your social network isn’t there yet (with all the sounding boards that creates for WTF is this shit?!) then local groups for your interests, Meetup.com etc are all really good places too! You can meet someone through there too without the intensity of OLD. And I’m sure we’d all be happy to hear about those adventures too!

But I think if you feel like you can filter out the duds (with support here as needed) there’s no harm in trying - you’ll learn a lot about yourself ok the process! It can be done in tandem with all of the above. And you can delete and walk away whenever it gets too much, that’s part of the fun!

I'm trying to keep up but I'm getting confused! Sorry if I have missed major stuff!
Really weird if the gf is still on the scene @Isitreallyme177 have you had any clarification?
Great to hear about hot date zero @SpringlikeBunk and fingers crossed for follow up on Sunday
@BelladiMamma do you still have all your digits?!
Not sure if I congratulated you @Naimee87 but well bloody done
Getting hazy now hope tomorrows date is as brilliant as the first with Mr music(?) @Eesha and enjoy getting back on the horse @InABetterPlaceNow?!
I was going to have a rant but really I'm just a bit sad/deflated/having a crisis. I'm struggling with DC and it's draining. I should have a nice weekend planned sans DC but I'm too exhausted to muster any enthusiasm for the whole "identity change" from Mom to Heartbeats. And I can't remember which pp it was that said a few years ago they were a single mum on benefits with no career and no pension was but that sums me up. Plus long term health condition. Qualifications coming out of my ears but no job to work round DC and I'm frustrated and unfulfilled. Welp, sorry!

Just interrupted the smut to close up the gaps in @SortingItOut 's excellent questions.

I asked if I should hide my profile as the notifications were bugging me. He said oh, I'd forgotten about that as I don't get notifications 😅 but that it's entirely up to me but he will be.

Went more direct and asked if we're exclusive ie. not actively pursuing or encouraging things elsewhere (with no labels).

Positive result. Definitely exclusive 😅😂

I don't know why I'm pouring this all out here. I'm all upset and crying and I guess I don't know where to start.

I'm beautiful. Or at least I was. Because I used to model, people paid me for what I looked like, so I must be, right? Even if I feel so ugly. I dated two amazing guys. Super yachts, the world our oyster. Their pick of anyone, but chose me. I felt fabulous because in that fickle world, enough people blowing you're-so-fabulous smoke up your arse gives you a superiority complex. Even if it's built on insecurity.

Roll forward a few years I met stbExDH. My soulmate from the start. I couldn't believe I could be so lucky. I was his perfect partner. He turned out to be the biggest lying narcissistic sociopath going. But I didn't find everything out until after DTwins were born. He's dedicated his life to making me feel worthless. How no one will want the horse faced, yellow toothed, saggy c*nt I am. I would die alone. Gaslighting and mentally abusing until I lost my mind. The police have been involved. Stolen every penny I had. He's attacked me. And worn me down until I feel like no one will ever want me again.

He's gone now. But his presence is still here pinning my self esteem to the floor and I desperately want to move on.

I joined a site for a day, and that one guy just knocked me for six. His "three kids???!!!!!?" just echoed my ex's words that no one would ever want me. I deleted my account there and then.

I'm such a caring and loving person, and I just want to meet someone the same. I don't need fireworks any more. I just want care and love and kindness. With the little ones, OLD is the best platform, but I just don't know if I have the resilience, if three children is such a restriction. Is it so different to two?

I'm focused on finding the happiness that me and my little family deserve. But I wonder if 95% of people will discount me, because of the children. What if they've got 3 too? 6 blended children. Even with one, I ramp it straight up to four. I don't blame people for steering clear.

If it's only ten in five hundred who would even be interested, and then half of those are dick pic heros, am I better just avoiding OLD from the start?

I'm so sorry for this outpour. I'm just a bit upset.

I’ve also got 3 kids. I think it depends how much support you’ve got. Personally I only go for casual relationships as I don’t have the time to invest in anything serious. I work part-time and arrange any meets during school hours on my day off so this obviously limits potential dates even further.

@MollysDolly I just want to wrap you up in a hug hug. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It was a method of control, he found your buttons, simple as. None of what he said is true but when you live someone and build a life with them they cut deep. I've done it.

With all the love in the world, while things are so raw, you need to focus on you. Those things that make you happy. We all want a fairy tale but (and I didn't believe it at one time) you can create that for yourself and your kids all by yourself. You don't need to jump to being partnered up though of course that's lovely too.

Dating after abuse is a whole other level of minefield. I think ultimately it means we'll end up in healthier, stronger relationships for it because we won't put up with bullshit, but there's work to be done first IMO.

Have you reached out to woman's aid to see what support they can put in place? OLD isn't going anywhere, and it's a worthwhile journey all by itself to find yourself again, promise.

@Heartbeats0708 the agency came to sort him out so nurse isit wasn't needed. Although I did tell him I had been practicing my bedside manner all day and had nurse isit ready 🙈🤣. He did laugh at that and has been quite chatty.

@MollysDolly

I agree with @BelladiMamma it sounds like you're fairly vulnerable at the moment and maybe not the best time for you to be looking for an "all-in" kind of relationship as unfortunately there can be a lot of predators out there?

OLD can be hell for self-esteem and if you're already not feeling resilient, it won't improve things.

Maybe you can set little goals to build up your networks and self esteem- have you got a job, do you like your day-to-day life?

For being worried about your appearance, maybe try yoga or a sport?

OLD can be useful sometimes as a tool for "meeting new people"?

Maybe you could do an advert saying you just want to meet people for coffee and a chat and THAT'S ALL. I've had meets like that. If you use a site called "Okcupid" there's an option for just "new friends".

I think when a lot of us say "casual" we don't mean we're bed-hopping sex-mad types falling out of cocktail bars in little black dresses with a new man every week.

But just that we recognise after a certain age that it's harder to do a "100% all in blended lives situation"? Mixing finances can be very very tricky.

And the men in our age range are the same.

It doesn't mean you can't be kind and supportive and meet kind and supportive people, but that we don't want to move in with someone or move someone in without serious thought!

I definitely want something serious. It doesn't mean overly deep and intense necessarily. Just two people, being happy.

I don't want to have casual relationships because I want to find my life partner. I feel like this con man stole mine and my children's future, and I'm determined that just because he was vile, it's not over, I can find the person that genuinely is, who he faked he was.

Dick pics genuinely terrify me. I was only online for a day, and in the handful of messages I read, they were all pleasant, apart from that one. Was I just lucky?

You'll have to forgive my naivety, but I'd really appreciate those of you who know the scene far better, helping me build some armour before I step onto the field again.

What are common red flags? What instantly says player? Or married? What are the signs of a time waster? Or other things I should look at? What makes you block? What stands out as genuine?

Thank you x

@MollysDolly I'm going to be really honest - there's no magic wand. To truly date after that kind of experience I think you need to be at least ... 80% over what's happened to you? The last 20% can only then be done by getting out there and "practicing" in the real world.

It took me 4 years of work to get to that point (I guess it varies in the level of abuse, but mine was pretty bad!). And it's still been rough, having to constantly look to see what's happening for me and taking another small step forward.

I know that's not what you want to hear. And I wish I could tell you otherwise.

Mr Tux is probably not my life partner. Then again, he might be. Things are really fun right now, but it's been an unconventional start and I'm ready to dump him in a heartbeat 😂 (I think he kind of knows that which worries me...).

I can't praise charities like woman's aid enough. I did endless courses, intensive therapy (I still want more though everyone has signed me off!!)

To give you an idea, my ex no longer pushes my buttons (though we are NC so that helps). I almost feel sorry for him. I can clearly see what he was doing wasn't love, but manipulation. Which means that feeling I got which everything being perfect? Not real.

Mr Tux is boring at times. He's got a heap of stuff I'm a bit "meh" about. That's actually a really good sign - I don't think he's putting on a mask (if it's fairytale, they are).

I really want you to take this in the spirit it's intended. I can't speak for anyone else but I'd love to hear from you on here to see how you get on. I just think right now, you are open to being taken advantage of by the "white knights" and I don't want that for you.

@MollysDolly I would echo what @InABetterPlaceNow and @SpringlikeBunk said. Think carefully about OLD before you jump in. I too was in a relationship where my exh basically ground me down and destroyed me from putting me on a pedestal 'the one everyone in the room wants' to 'noone will ever want to sleep with you again'. It's cruelty pure and simple and petty and a way to insidiously make you feel like shit even after they're history.
So: get yourself some trauma and abuse informed therapy. Read around the subject. Dip in and out of OLD but: it's not a marriage bureau. It is a dating universe and there's every type of guy on there. Good, bad and ugly. The ones who tell you they're looking for a wife and that they love you within less than 3 months ARE THE WORST. Steer clear. View it as 'a few chances to meet people for coffee whom eventually I might fancy if they play their cards right'. Don't be apologetic about the number of children you have. Don't look for a husband or a father figure. Men who want to exploit women and really good at spotting them. Be very wary. Look for kindness, gsoh and someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously. And keep on learning about yourself and get therapy. The right sort of therapist. You're going through huge change and you deserve the right support.
Also - welcome 🤗 to the thread

@SpringlikeBunk wahey for good date zero 😁. Nice to get something spontaneous and fun in the diary before Christmas and which doesn't leave you obsessing about the hedgehog.

@InABetterPlaceNow ummmm 🤨 I don't like the sound of this guy. Sorry. My most intelligent ex boyfriend come friend who is, let's say, an Ivy League professor and the inventor of several softwares and coding languages that we all use on an every day basis and still hasn't turned 52, is the most humble and open guy I know. Always wants to learn and is always respectful of other people's knowledge. So, other than entitled twats who think their oxbridge education or Mensa test makes them somehow special, this would be a big turn off to me as I'm really not down with his attitude. Sorry again as I can tell you're crushing on him massively. Oh and don't think that you shouldn't break your celibacy with him ... why the hell not if you fancy him and think he's a good sort. I'm just allergic to mansplaining or indeed womansplaining. Just turns me right off.

@Heartbeats0708 I've been using my digits all day to text and answer calls from my favourite unrequited crush MrA. But we've had a tiff as he started talking about our fun times in bed and I asked if he wanted a repeat and he said he couldn't be bothered to travel. Oh how bloody romantic / passionate. So I flounced and stropped and I shan't talk to him again til .... at least tomorrow. It’s weird how he makes so much effort in communicating and listening and being entertaining … then in reality … nada. He was exactly like this when we were seeing each other. Huge effort when we got together, organising and planning everything but then he'd never say 'when can I see you again'. Really pissed and still pisses me off. If I turned up on his doorstep he'd be delighted and we'd have a lovely time. 😡

Nice chats ongoing elsewhere at least. Hopefully I'll fancy one of the date zeros something rotten on Saturday

Also at the risk of being run off the thread for a humble brag @MollysDolly, once someone has paid you for looking good (had a mini modelling / telly / acting career before I decided I preferred a decent income and hated castings) it can skew your self perception. You over prize your looks because other people did as well. No one was saying, hey Bella or Molly, great brain and personality! They're literally saying 'I want to take you home' with every bloody interaction. I was also abused when trying to be an actress by some very unscrupulous producers and I was only 18. This shit stays with you and you need to work through it all. But, no judgement and this may not be your experience. In any case we are here to hold your hand virtually so Come and vent whenever you need to ❤️❤️❤️

@BelladiMamma Nooo don't say that 🤣😂 Ok. I'll be super mindful. I do think it's teasing and I lean into it (I have many other skills he can't even begin to touch!). His eyes glazed over when I talked about what I did for a job, he's just a walking encyclopaedia. If I genuinely start feeling "less than" I'll be out. For now, I'm using it as a way to see where my self esteem is lacking and doing all the stuffs to fix it (along with the general fun and flirting 😅)

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@BelladiMamma Nooo don't say that 🤣😂 Ok. I'll be super mindful. I do think it's teasing and I lean into it (I have many other skills he can't even begin to touch!). His eyes glazed over when I talked about what I did for a job, he's just a walking encyclopaedia. If I genuinely start feeling "less than" I'll be out. For now, I'm using it as a way to see where my self esteem is lacking and doing all the stuffs to fix it (along with the general fun and flirting 😅)[/quote]
Honestly I'm such a blunt and hard old moo these days you can just ignore me 🤣

@BelladiMamma Nope! All perspectives welcome! He is absolutely shaped by his past experiences. Might even need therapy. I'm really enjoying all the brain poking and flirting but if it has to end, end it shall.

Trialing the whole "talking about what bugs me and see if they can man up" as we just click enough to make that worthwhile! Might crash and burn but I'm for sure going through with Sat at this point 🤣😂😅

I just think right now, you are open to being taken advantage of by the "white knights" and I don't want that for you.

Thank you. I can see me getting caught up in this kind of thing. I'd love to join the thread, and perhaps if I post my experiences, I can have people wave the red flags I'm not seeing.

I've decided I'm going to try the just want a coffee for now route. Because I think it's daunting enough for me and is a baby step.

No one was saying, hey Bella or Molly, great brain and personality!

To be fair, the two guys I had ltr with, were interested in my personality. But I'm not daft enough to think it was my personality that got me a first date. My ex saw something on TV once, and liked how belittling it was. So he'd repeat it all the time. Oh, there she is, "The talentless clothes horse". Wanker.

Thank you all so much, and I'm going to shut up now before I derail anymore. I like how perceptive you all are, I think you've got the size of me and where I'm at already. I'll be back when I've signed up to somewhere.

Honestly, thank you all for being so honest and lovely xx

@MollysDolly

I just think right now, you are open to being taken advantage of by the "white knights" and I don't want that for you.

Thank you. I can see me getting caught up in this kind of thing. I'd love to join the thread, and perhaps if I post my experiences, I can have people wave the red flags I'm not seeing.

I've decided I'm going to try the just want a coffee for now route. Because I think it's daunting enough for me and is a baby step.

No one was saying, hey Bella or Molly, great brain and personality!

To be fair, the two guys I had ltr with, were interested in my personality. But I'm not daft enough to think it was my personality that got me a first date. My ex saw something on TV once, and liked how belittling it was. So he'd repeat it all the time. Oh, there she is, "The talentless clothes horse". Wanker.

Thank you all so much, and I'm going to shut up now before I derail anymore. I like how perceptive you all are, I think you've got the size of me and where I'm at already. I'll be back when I've signed up to somewhere.

Honestly, thank you all for being so honest and lovely xx

Tbf my ex would just have made something like that up. To needle me. How did we find and end up with these bitter and entitled bullies? I'm on a journey to understanding that and make sure you do the same too.

In the meantime from one 'freeloading sybarite' to another (actual words of a famous writer when I turned him down) enjoy the evening and come back whenever you like ❤️❤️❤️

@BelladiMamma Actually, I realised it might be my last post that gave that impression where I switcharoo'd him that he was still doing it on purpose. So just to be fair to him. Hard to give context but I absolutely taunted him into a battle of wills. He's been very careful not to since the convo about it so I totally encouraged him. It's kind of fun as long as he KNOWS I'm an equal. We'll see how it goes!

@MollysDolly You are more than welcome! Just remember it's not OLD or bust. I'm still, even now, doing all my soul searching, growing, reading, having fun with the kiddos, friends, etc etc. It needs to be a teeny bit of an otherwise full life, then if it goes wonky you have plenty to full back on! ❤️

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma magnet-man came through and i got my video-call this morning. Short and sweet given he was trucking down the motorway. He looked so gooooood! It'll be two weeks since we saw each other and who know's what next week will bring. So i hope we can get a video call check in when we know it's a while in between seeing each other. And if the weathers rubbish next week i just cannot risk a middnight drive home in the snow/ice! Having to be a wise-old adult is so annoying sometimes. How are your emotions doing today? All over the place? Keeping them in check is just a nightmare sometimes especially where men are concerned!!! The ones who keep us on our toes and guessing are always the ones we want[/quote]
Woohoo 🎉