Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

hahaha 'use me for his body' lol, you sound a lot like me!!

I think you're really doing the right thing @InABetterPlaceNow checking in here, as long as you remember that people are so often too willing to jump to the 'he's abusive / he's full of red flags' place here (although the people on this thread seems utterly sane). It sounds like you are being measured in how you are viewing the situation and being ready to cut and run is healthy at this stage (as long as you can also try and enjoy your time together!)

My pattern is that I get hooked into a relationship and only come to a forum once things are REALLY clearly not good - so I then get hundreds of people validating what I've known in my gut for ages. I'm pretty sure if I checked in more as I went along, and actually listened and acted on things me and my last boyf would have been over in four months and not nine. Those last five were torturous but I believed I knew better than the masses....I so didn't, haha.

Still trying to get that balance ...

[quote Eesha]@ibelieveinmirrorballs so my iron's best friend told him I was the first person in his league which I found quite hilarious. After querying this, turns out he had dated a lot of younger women who idolised him a bit whereas I guess I'm a bit different in that I have my own life and career and certainly don't idolise him. I think its a clumsy attempt at flattery and I think some men just tend to blurt things out when they've actually met someone who is a bit different to the past.[/quote]
It’s definitely flattery - I think the difficulty comes in working out if it’s the clumsy loveliness of a decent person or someone saying what they think the other wants to hear in order to encourage attachment. My last iron told me earnestly he hadn’t felt this way about someone for twenty years and although I had my radar on and noted it as a bit odd, when you added that to the long video and phone calls, plentiful enthusiastic texting etc… it adds up to be a heady mix.

He finished things a few months later saying his life was too busy and stressful to date. I’m sure in the moment he thought he meant those things - I suppose my learning from all that was that words are cheap and ultimately it’s actions that count.

Date zero went really well actually. He's fit as fuck, standard poshish english guy...lives within walking distance....Walked me home though I couldn't stay out long

Definitely up for a second and thought there was chemistry but will try to pace things.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Yup Mr Tux's comment definitely WASN'T like this - I can see that kind of thing from a mile off and have a physical "flee" urge. I truly believe it was an attempt at addressing the comment of me feeling stupid around him, he genuinely looked shocked and it was an attempt to reassure me. It's annoying actually, I keep putting stuff on my red flag list and then we calmly talk through things (and on reflection it doesn't even feel heavy, it tends to be framed in flirting and jokes and me saying "look, we don't really know each other and this is throwing me off a bit - what say you?") and it gets scrubbed out.

He's definitely not perfect (neither am I), but those things are things the things I'll need to see if they ultimately cause us to walk away or if we can learn to live with them.

My brain dumps here are a type of journaling I think - sorry! I should probably just get an actual journal! It's really useful to hear other people's perspectives though.

@StartingAgain33 Yup I have made a promise to myself that I will never, ever be in an unhealthy relationship again. Me and my girls deserve better than that, and I spent 4 single years making sure I knew without a doubt I don't need anyone else in my life to be "OK".

I think it's really easy to take things and see things as red flags. It's why I was totally unable to enjoy the start of whatever this is with Mr Tux as I've been doing it constantly. At this point im very reassured that he's not going to go all weirdo on me if I break things off (he doesn't even know where I live and seems OK that it will be a while before he does!). Im also going to skew things as there's the body language etc (of which I'm a good read) missing and I'm paraphrasing a lot.

Anyways I'm going to shh about it all now! I think I just feel a bit proud of myself as im sticking up for my wants / needs / feelings, and he's giving me the space to do that. I would previously have just stayed quiet and been uneasy. He's amazingly validating. Obviously because he's been broken by people too so we'll see if that ends up being an issue. I can't write him off for that because otherwise I don't have a hope! All depends on how we navigate it I think.

In other life, have my work's Xmas meal tomorrow! So glad it wasn't cancelled. Then lots of preening to do because it's about time I break my celibacy on Sat. Eep!!

@SpringlikeBunk

Date zero went really well actually. He's fit as fuck, standard poshish english guy...lives within walking distance....Walked me home though I couldn't stay out long

Definitely up for a second and thought there was chemistry but will try to pace things.

Sounds hot!! 🥵 😁 Fingers crossed on this one!

"I suspect a lot of people who share their relationship stuff on mumsnet are certainty seekers. I think lots of people are to some extent looking for validation. It can be helpful but also maybe unhealthy if it's relied on too much, and of course no one really knows, so your gut feel is as good as anything."

I 100% agree with this - I think sometimes (especially in the early stages of dating) it's easy to want "proof" that the other person is going to stick with us, or we're going to be happy with them, or they won't be an abuser....but there's never any certainty in human experience?

Even if you look at "successful" long term relationships, there is sometimes an element of compromise there which isn't mentioned explicitly but which maybe if we're "entering the dating market" later on we're not prepared to do.

Like if you've met someone at uni and "grown together" you have that shared history/tolerance of idiosyncrasies, but on a date zero you'd be "wtf is this behaviour"?

Realistically I know most dating situations fizzle out (from my end or their end or just the zeitgeist/logistics of the situation), but I'd rather date and engage than not so there one is!

For me I find I am still going through the rollercoaster of emotions, but also am aware I've got my core life goals which are progressing independently of my dating status.

@InABetterPlaceNow

Yes, often date zeros can be "ok but 50/50 on attraction" but this guy is genuinely fit (I've changed my age range to get the late twenties guys and some very decent looking chaps there).

Will see how it pans out, early contact yet!

Ooh he's asked for weekend meet. I'm snowed under but suggested Sunday but confirm later.

I'll call him MrTesco as he followed me into Tesco when I walked home. and it was cute but also slightly annoying as I wanted to spend ages picking junk food and I was too ashamed to do it in front of a handsome stranger so just got one thing.

@SpringlikeBunk

Ooh he's asked for weekend meet. I'm snowed under but suggested Sunday but confirm later.

I'll call him MrTesco as he followed me into Tesco when I walked home. and it was cute but also slightly annoying as I wanted to spend ages picking junk food and I was too ashamed to do it in front of a handsome stranger so just got one thing.

😂🤣 That's the worst!! The having to be good in Tesco, not the weekend meet. Sounds like a good start!

@InABetterPlaceNow

I know I like to wander the aisles like a demented lonely old spinster (probably accurate) looking for bargain multipacks of chocolate to make up for the black hole that is my emotional life, but I had to be all efficient like a normal person with a life

I absolutely love this phrase 'certainty seekers' - so true, ultimately loads talk to everyone until they get the answer they want ie yes he does like you or yes, you are doing the right thing. Ultimately you really do have to trust your gut and whatever you do will be the right thing for you

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@InABetterPlaceNow

I know I like to wander the aisles like a demented lonely old spinster (probably accurate) looking for bargain multipacks of chocolate to make up for the black hole that is my emotional life, but I had to be all efficient like a normal person with a life [/quote]
Please tell me you popped back out to pick up the rest of the stuffs 😂🤣😂

@SpringlikeBunk this sounds very promising!! Mmm love a good fitty. But yes annoying you couldn't do your junk food run!!!

I've just spoken to mr story who called me from LA. He said he had a rare pocket of time, which I think is true, but also I'm a bit annoyed that he's called me on a day where he ended up venting about his landlady situation (she is being ridiculous and breaking the law by letting prospective tenants in to look at his flat without permission etc).

I can understand he's stressed (she put the rent up by £400 with a months' notice so he's having to leave) but it's just reminding me of the last guy I dated who went on and on about his horrible neighbours and bought a lot of drama into my life. I want someone who is sorted and who can look after me occasionally instead of me always being the listener / solutions person. I dunno. Am I over reacting?

He was also stressed as he was going to go stay with his stepmumin New York but she's said he can't because of the escalating situation so he's having to try and find a way to fly home early. But he has his company dealing with that for him. I guess it's a lot on top of having to move house over christmas.

(I have had five years of caring for very sick people plus drug addict brother plus emotional wreck of a guy I dated last week so may be being sensitive). I actually thought this guy might be the sorted / nurturing one as he looked after his brother with cancer for five years but I am picking up that actually he's pretty vulnerable and hurting from that time. Which of course is okay and understandable, but I don't want to be another agony aunt again. I've got my own trauma to deal with!

I realise the irony of saying it's possible to seek too much certainty and then get straight on the thread the minute something happens I'm not sure about

@StartingAgain33

I realise the irony of saying it's possible to seek too much certainty and then get straight on the thread the minute something happens I'm not sure about

Shhh this place is a "safe space"... right?! 🤣

Hahaha @InABetterPlaceNow yes :)

To be clear he didn’t rant for long, at all, but I just got the sense he was calling because he was feeling stressed and wanted support. When I was telling him about my day it didn’t feel like he listened properly and was just waiting to talk about his stuff. I dunno.

@StartingAgain33 I think this is a balancing act. On one hand I think it's a really good sign, and important if someone can come to you and feels you can provide support. It has to go two ways though.

I feel like it's unrealistic for someone to be entirely sorted. Life is messy and we all have things in a daily basis that happen. If it's a complete train wreck, nightmare exes, work drama (where they are clearly at fault) etc that's a sign to walk away.

But I'd like to think that if there's give and take it shows some vulnerability if someone comes to you. As long as they don't expect you to fix it or drop everything to console them.

I get the whole being triggered stuff. However I also think it's import to start with a clean slate and work out if it's REALLY the same thing or just seeing patterns where they don't exist? Both equally valid.

@StartingAgain33

I agree with @InABetterPlaceNow above

Also if you have trauma stuff to work through (I'm on the same journey myself) maybe it's best to take a holistic view and see what other support structures are available to assist you, how you can look to change your own lifestyle to support yourself - not just someone you're dating?

Obviously if MrStory is regularly inconsiderate then that's a separate issue which needs to be addressed, but my experience is the guys who tend to want to "support me on X sensitive issue" early on are the WORST.

I know we're not meant to "test" people, but say you had to move, or do a piece of DIY, or had issues at work - do you think MrStory would support you?

Also I guess there's different "forms" of support. One of my male friends is a bit "head in the clouds" and often it seems like he doesn't listen or say the right things.

However, I was being bullied dealing with an organisation, and he basically "took over the phone calls from me" when I asked him to to help me out. And made the time to walk in with me to collect the documents.

So even if someone isn't "obviously nodding and saying the right things" I do think they can be genuinely helpful if you ask them specifically to do something?

[quote StartingAgain33]@InABetterPlaceNow do you live very far away from him? Five months talking and then five weeks dating sounds like a very long build up before meeting! I think when you're chatting on the phone / text etc it's easy for things to get deep because all you can do is chat. Everyday trivial things can get boring and unless you're a comedian you can't keep joking allll the time (or maybe you can) so it would make sense you've gone onto heavier things in that context[/quote]
And this is obviously why I end up sexting and sending saucy pics 🤣 cos I want to avoid heavy chat

Yeah totally @InABetterPlaceNow. I am worried he has no money which would suggest the could be more sorted, but there are extenuating circumstances with his brothers sickness. It can be expensive looking after someone, I know that first hand, and he was freelance so would have taken a lot of time off.

I do like that he can be vulnerable with me..: here’s hoping I can be vulnerable with him too (I actually find that very hard - my part of the equation!)

@SpringlikeBunk that’s true; there are different forms of support and I think I can sometimes trip myself up thinking someone doesn’t care if they don’t respond the way I want them to. A lot of blokes are actions over words but those mean little to me really so I sometimes miss them.

On the supporting on x sensitive issue, do you mean blokes who want you to support you, or blokes who want you to support them? This guy does seem more sensitive than the average but I like he can be open; and it’s not been too much at all.

@BelladiMamma these are my favourite kinds of texts. Seeing as mr story is now back early, potentially Saturday, I might start the build up today :) Will be a good distraction from his landlady woes. Annoyingly I have plans next week till Thursday so won’t see him till then as he’ll have to isolate on the weekend!

@StartingAgain33

Yeh, my experience has been there's some very decent men (and women/people in general) who aren't "overly interested" in my issues as they are getting on with their own lives and problems. But if I had a specific issue they'd be helpful.

Whereas there's a lot of "new man types" who try to get inside your head early on - so would be interested in every minute detail - but for me that's a bit of a red flag and claustrophobic!

@StartingAgain33

Yeah totally *@InABetterPlaceNow*. I am worried he has no money which would suggest the could be more sorted, but there are extenuating circumstances with his brothers sickness. It can be expensive looking after someone, I know that first hand, and he was freelance so would have taken a lot of time off.

I do like that he can be vulnerable with me..: here’s hoping I can be vulnerable with him too (I actually find that very hard - my part of the equation!)

I mean, if my rent was put up by £400 I'd be screwed too! I am a single mum to 3 kids though 😁

It feels worthy of keeping as a mental note but not run away territory. It's totally valid if it ends up not being something that works for you but there's a bigger picture to look at - if it's a small thing in a larger good vibe or a big thing in a smaller bad vibe. That will be different based on individual circumstances.

For the vulnerability thing, obviously me and Mr Tux jumped right into that so I'm mindful of that when I say this - there's no rush on that side of things, and starting with small things to test the waters until you're comfortable is absolutely OK. As I mentioned, we started screwy in that I knocked him back and fully intended to never see him again but also gave him context on why I was doing it. It's meant we kind of unintentionally "went there" and he was a star about it and shared some stuff too. So the door has always been ajar.

Doing it over, I'd be far more guarded for a much longer time. Can't quite take it back though and he's felt safe so far, so...

I think it's a case of not sharing more than you feel you can deal with if you get a negative reaction. I'm fairly bulletproof at this point 😂 Sorry, more sharing on my side than I intended but felt like the best way to say what I was trying to say?

@BelladiMamma funny enough today our mild teasing progressed into a battle of wills where he tried to one up me and make a snarky (light hearted) comment, about winning again, I managed to find a weakness which he did indeed have a comeback for... so I did the ol' switcharoo to turn it into dirty talk and he sent a "wait, what?" gif back and he got a "Distract them" in return.

I've found his weakness 🤣😂