Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@DisappearingHelen Dont overdo the texting, keep it light and not too frequent.

How not to fall too quickly? Get on with your own life and make yourself happy first, whether that is friends, family, hobbies/interests or something else.
Do not make him your happiness,men should enhance your life and not be your life.

Be wary of love bombing, noone should be falling for anyone this early on. Enjoy it for what it is, a bit of fun with a stranger.

Thanks @SortingItOut. Wise words. Might make them my phone background for a while to help the message to sink in!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I’d also find it hard to go four weeks between meets. I find it hard to go four days between seeing MrBeard! So do feel for you there and understand why you’d crave flirting inbetween.

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@ibelieveinmirrorballs
Personally (others may disagree, I’m normally proved wrong), I don’t think you should have asked, if he is the one with guests, ( and he may well have said yes), he might be thinking he has to balance what his kids are doing along with a meet-up, maybe you should have let him ask ?

But only you/ he will know the answer of course[/quote]
I see your point, although until I asked I didn’t know he had his kids for the whole period. I now know 😬

Back from the doctors! Mr Tux has been sending butt puns all morning to keep me distracted 😂🤣 ("assolutely" terrible ones 😂🤣).

Turns out my issue is cosmetic so while it needs surgery, I'll probably have a long wait. Mostly wanted it sorted so I didn't have to be too embarrassed with Mr Tux seeing it but I don't think that's an problem anymore seems as he's currently giving me detailed info on how the surgery is likely to work (apparently he has a similar though different issue that needs to be addressed every 2-5 years!!)

Sorry it's taken me a while to reply - this thread moves on a lot in 24 hours :) @ibelieveinmirrorballs thank you, yes it really is terrible landlady behaviour. I think him asking was sweet too. Showed vulnerability, which I'm awful at showing myself, so hopefully I will learn from him! It's felt very cosy and homely which has been nice.

Sounds like a good, pragmatic convo with your iron. What are you looking for? A long-term relationship, but no living together basically? It's good you seem to have found someone on roughly the same page. As long as he's free sprited but still monogamous, perhaps that's an ok balance? I agree I'd rather not know at that stage if they are having a fwb stay over. But I guess there is a difference between saying it to make you a bit uneasy / jealous (I definitely dated someone like that once) and saying it out of respect and because they really like you and don't want to hide anything.

I agree @SpringlikeBunk I wouldn't tell someone if I was doing this. Especially if I didn't necessarily see them as a long term prospect. I was dating other people for the first six weeks or so of me and mr story and I don't regret it, I needed to be sure. And I wouldn't have minded if he was either.

@Shayelle2009 that is an interesting point and it did cross my mind. I'm definitely providing a lovely setting for him here, nice food, he loves my cats etc...although he's commented that he feels bad he hasn't done much (it's harder when it's not his house and I just do things without asking) and he has done all the washing up / cleaning and also paid for our takeaway yesterday, so I think he's making an effort to ensure he's not coming across as just taking? He always pays half for everything when we go out and initially expected to just pay for eveything until I told him don't be ridiculous. So I think this is okay, but please share any tips on ensuring he isn't a cocklodger!! I would hate that.

He's just invited me to Bristol to spend it with his friends for new year as well, and he was speaking to his dad last night on the phone and referred to me as if he'd mentioned me a lot already which was cute.

I think my last boyfriend stayed at mine loads partly because he was having terrible neighbour disputes. Which I quite liked, but he'd say he was worried the magic would go (it was lockdown so we had very little to do) etc which would make me anxious... to be fair the magic did sort of go, I think partly because he just wasn't comfy being close to someone!

@InABetterPlaceNow

Back from the doctors! Mr Tux has been sending butt puns all morning to keep me distracted 😂🤣 ("assolutely" terrible ones 😂🤣).

Turns out my issue is cosmetic so while it needs surgery, I'll probably have a long wait. Mostly wanted it sorted so I didn't have to be too embarrassed with Mr Tux seeing it but I don't think that's an problem anymore seems as he's currently giving me detailed info on how the surgery is likely to work (apparently he has a similar though different issue that needs to be addressed every 2-5 years!!)

Is it nobbies?

@FabulousMrFifty Apparently just skin tags now... so no longer active. One of the not so lovely gifts from my kiddos!! Mr Tux asked if they were "grapes of wrath" 😅🤣😂🤣

I hate being human sometimes!! 😅😁

Hahaha @InABetterPlaceNow I've also had that issue on and off for ages...I think most people do?! It's great you can be open with him :)

Sorry I missed the convo re your chat @ibelieveinmirrorballs and was responding re the earlier one I think...I would also feel very deprived not seeing someone for four weeks if it was exclusive and would be thinking that it wasn't going to be meeting my needs. Which is fine to admit to yourself, and to be open about I think! I don't think it sounds like you were being forceful but instead just honest about where you're at? If you did want a serious committed relationship then that just wouldn't be enough for most people.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
Yeah Christmas is tricky, I have family in 3 locations and is a balancing act as who goes where and who can be with whom, think I’m going give a miss next year. Can’t choose your family etc.

Have to catch up!

Quick update! So no 'twinkle' settings on the LED lights which were blue this time. I had such a nice tiiiiiiimmmmmeeeee! I really did! Pulling up to his truck knowing what we'd been planning (lot's of flirty/sexty messages had been exchanged) Maybe that's why i was more nervous. I had revealed some fantasy's of mine i was keen to try. He was so excited. And it's really helped me get back to a more calmer head-space. But i think the more i see him the more i like him so clearly moving into dangerous territory for myself. I know he has feelings for me too but it just doesn't look likely we'll be able to change how much we see other given the many many obstacles in the way. He's just so cuddly and chunky! He also gave me some biscuits his mum had made for him (after she'd waved him off in his truck that morning) haha!! ... really loved that!

@Naimee87 I am liking this set up more and more.. blue lights, blue fantasies and homemade biscuits?!?!

@StartingAgain33 Yes! Never in a million years did i think this would be something i'd be doing and enjoying. I can't count anymore how many restops i've been to. God that doesn't sound good at all does it... written down it sounds mental. But seems to work for the both of us. The fact he is a truck driver is the most massive turn-on for me!
It really seems to be going well but he is a ghoster i guess as he ghosted earlier this year... so the fear is real he could do this again. I'm trying to go with it as since he's reappeared it's been better than ever. But i think once you've gone through 'ghosting/fizzling out' before the thought that it could happen again is there.
How's your situation going at the moment with being together... are you 'together-together' or is this still new/fresh..

Still not caught up yet with everyone elses antics!

@Naimee87

Agree that sounds fantastically cool - especially the biscuits!

I guess with feelings it's just knowing "when your limits are" and when it stops feeling "fun" and only you can judge that - like that episode of SATC where Carrie is considering going home with a guy, but then thinks "do I REALLY want this or am I wanting something more?" and I guess that's the judgement we all will be making at times! I've found 50% of the time I'm all "yeh go for it" and 50% I'm "wtf have I done" but that's just life.

Was there a reason with magnet-man why you couldn't arrange a meal or a drink or a walk together some time, is it just the distance and work?

@DisappearingHelen

Hey gang. I’ve only been out of touch for a couple of days and clearly you guys have moved on a ton in that time! Hope you’re all doing okay today x

Based on your usual excellent sharing I have some questions! I’ve asked specific people based on things they’ve mentioned recently but would love advise from anyone!
@BelladiMamma How many irons in your roster? I think a roster would be a good fit for me but don’t know what is too many! Sounds like you’ve got it made!
@ibelieveinmirrorballs @SpringlikeBunk what is the right balance of honesty about other people you’re dating in your opinion? One approach I was thinking of was asking each iron how much they’d like to know and then going with their preference. If it ends up with people who want exclusivity letting me go then that’d be completely fair.

My date zero with Mr Funk (named for music) was on tuesd. I can’t believe how well it went. I think he’s gorgeous (far too good for me). Conversation was so easy and touched on some deep stuff and some light stuff and was instigated from both sides. We sort of also both admitted during the meal that this was going really well and that we fancied each other which meant I felt a little more secure. We ended up getting a bit hot and heavy with the kiss goodbye - we both were into that though evidently. He’d texted me nice things before I even got home after and we’ve been texting a bunch since and made a vague plan to meet up again next week.

I’m partially worried that I’m going to end up falling for him too fast though at this rate. I need to keep reminding myself I still barely know him and he could still turn out to be an arsehole and I need to keep a level head. How the heck do I do that?????? I’m working on staying in touch with other irons, friends and hobbies but I’m mildly distracted by how much I’m looking forward to seeing him again What do I need to be doing here to protect myself?

Hi 👋🏻

Am also dipping in and out with the thread at the moment!

I have 5 ...
MrA previous 3 month fling, all just calls and voice notes now. We share work things via email too, almost daily contact since September. I'm not lusting after him so much but we both feel really comfortable with each other. He's lazy with me and obsessed with work and hasn't been home in 4 months, just home now, so unless I turn up on his doorstep nothing will ever happen again.
MrBeau - hot date but he then hit depressive episode. Sporadic messaging now based on emotional support.
MrDublin - front runner for actual possible real situation. Had an amazing date with him Saturday meal & Théâtre & then hours together afterwards. He's very keen. He makes me laugh so much I forget to find him sexy.
MrBoxing & MrPoet sex only. But nice comms. Literally will come over at the drop of a hat, so they say, if I'm feeling lonely. But lovely blokes with it.

@InABetterPlaceNow

Back from the doctors! Mr Tux has been sending butt puns all morning to keep me distracted 😂🤣 ("assolutely" terrible ones 😂🤣).

Turns out my issue is cosmetic so while it needs surgery, I'll probably have a long wait. Mostly wanted it sorted so I didn't have to be too embarrassed with Mr Tux seeing it but I don't think that's an problem anymore seems as he's currently giving me detailed info on how the surgery is likely to work (apparently he has a similar though different issue that needs to be addressed every 2-5 years!!)

Are we talking haemorrhoids? I had loads of them after my pregnancies. Now mostly ignore them when they come back 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Naimee87 yay 😁

@DisappearingHelen nearly forgot ... MrPT my former personal trainer who now lives somewhere else and is no longer a personal trainer has offered to be my FWB 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I just really demolished what I wanted from OLD before and totally down scaled my expectations but opened myself up to fun times 😊

@DisappearingHelen

Glad you had a good date! I think just take things one contact at a time, feelings are fine - I'd just have faith you can deal with it if he's an arsehole or disappears?

As long as you don't move him into your home or transfer your life savings to him for a" business venture at "worst" you might not continue dating, and at best it will be a nice ongoing dating situation.

I can be a little bit emotional and my MH is always a bit shaky due to early trauma, but I try to be reasonably boundaried and pragmatic and I've managed to survive my dates even if I've felt a bit shit sometimes!

If it doesn't work out it's all a learning journey and I'm back on with it a few months later - there's more to life than dating as well, though I'm happy to do it.

With multiple dating I guess everyone has different perspectives? I've mainly had @PurpleStripyScarf accurately called the "few months but still nice" things

Somewhere between fling and serious due to scheduling - so have been fine but we're not joined at the hip so haven't need the "serious" chat?

I think if I was spending every weekend with someone and our lives were quite blended and I was travelling to see them, then I'd probably feel there was a discussion to be had.

Like with my current favourite MrHedgehog, he's away lots, I was away lots....realistically we're only on date 4-5, we haven't spent big chunks of time together and he may be working remotely from abroad soon, so reckon "don't ask don't tell" is best for now?

If say we decided to commit to long distance dating then I'd have a conversation.

I don't think someone you've just met really needs to know you've had a coffee with someone else which has gone nowhere? I guess as time goes on the "are you actively looking for someone else?" conversation is important.

@InABetterPlaceNow… ‘grapes of wrath’ 🤣🤣…. Oh lordie 🤣🤣🤣

@Naimee87

Have to catch up!

Quick update! So no 'twinkle' settings on the LED lights which were blue this time. I had such a nice tiiiiiiimmmmmeeeee! I really did! Pulling up to his truck knowing what we'd been planning (lot's of flirty/sexty messages had been exchanged) Maybe that's why i was more nervous. I had revealed some fantasy's of mine i was keen to try. He was so excited. And it's really helped me get back to a more calmer head-space. But i think the more i see him the more i like him so clearly moving into dangerous territory for myself. I know he has feelings for me too but it just doesn't look likely we'll be able to change how much we see other given the many many obstacles in the way. He's just so cuddly and chunky! He also gave me some biscuits his mum had made for him (after she'd waved him off in his truck that morning) haha!! ... really loved that!

Don’t say you were dressed as Heidi , with him in leather Lederhosen 😯

Can I ask… do any of you find the talking aspects of dating/having a partner hard? Like finding new topics to chat about, making conversation, feeling at ease with them? I find the sex part easy… but when it comes to chatting, after several hours spent with someone I run out of things to say.

@SpringlikeBunk i love the excitement of it all coming together it's living out a fantasy i never knew i had. Work and distance are definitely the obstacles. I have my DS pretty much full and work full time, time so finding time without him is pretty tricky. Magnet-man's on the road all week travelling between Italy and here. I think neither of us really thought that it'd get this far given all the obstacles. But when i first met him i wasn't really in a great head-space/life situation. But everything has improved massively since COVID. I know bizarre that this pandemic has had such a positive impact on my life. More quality time with my DS, home-office, got our little pooch and teeny weeny little more money! I don't really know how me and magnet-man would work 'in the real world' we have our little escape sessions and perhaps that is all they ever can/will be. He's said he'll consider a trip between Christmas and New Year to see me which i'd love to happen, but i'm not too convinced at this stage and admittedly i'd be pretty devasted if it all came to an end...

@FabulousMrFifty no lederhosen... but leather croc type sandals WITH socks and the trusty bumbag! ... a lot of truck drivers drive with no shoes on... just socks! .. interesting fact of the day for you!

@Naimee87

Loving the comfy shoes and socks for the "liebe machen" - big fan of a calm slightly chunky man in sensible clothing here, has my vote

That said, for the second meet with the Igel I picked quite a "WAG-style" place for dinner as it was closest and I wanted somewhere quite formal

But I was thinking "oh fuck, what do I do if they throw him out because of the dress code".

I've definitely enjoyed the overall style/trend transition to more casual clothing myself though over lockdown, my "fancy dresses" and wedges have hardly seen the light of day over the last few years

Just got a waterproof down jacket delivered today so hopefully if I see him again we can both walk around town and match in our sensible Ramblers gear

Oh and the igel is probably aiming for a flight tomorrow now, so looks like a quiet few weeks for me!

I kind of almost just want him to "go so I can know he's gone" if that makes sense then I can enjoy the emotional "me-time" and see how I feel later on.