Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SpringlikeBunk

But then we might end up with a MrMilitary situation in which we have a "younger man getting a bit cunt-happy and thinking he's in love". Plus MrTescos lives within walking distance so it's not even like MrMilitary being away all the time.

Coffee with the geeks and no physical contact it is!

It depends on if It would be an issue with MrHedgehog? If not... do it if you want to! If he does get attached (and you don't) it's a valuable lesson for him!!

@SpringlikeBunk
Why not, get Mr Tesco to push his trolley in your direction but make sure he's got some bags and he knows where the exit is

It's complicated isn't it @InABetterPlaceNow - as in I do think physical intimacy is part of bonding - I instigated things with MrHedgehog for our third meet and no regrets at all even if we never meet again.

And I do think a lot of good guys like MrTux are "up for it" early but that doesn't mean they're not up for staying connected in other ways.

I guess I just want simple happy innocent socialising for a while - I even tried Fab in the summer (so compared to that MrTescos being a bit pushy looks very tame and I have no right to "slut-shame" him !).

But I think with MrHedgehog it feels more like a sincere teenage romance, and I've realised I do want more of that, in whatever context?

I also agree @InABetterPlaceNow that deep down if someone feels more compatible we tend to "overlook" stuff like early sex pushiness more?

Like MrHedgehog feels like an actual long-lost intellectual peer/friend and I'd be happy to keep him as such if things don't work out romantically. I felt like a child hanging out with a long-lost sibling last time we met (Ok that's kind of creepy given how the evening ended up but you get the picture?).

Whereas MrTescos is cool and clearly ticks a lot of boxes on paper (tall/posh/sporty/good job), but is part of a social group and scene that isn't really "me"?

@SpringlikeBunk Yup it definitely is! Not to over generalise but I think a lot of relationships later in life from a male perspective (maybe 30+) have fallen apart because of lack of that side of things. Which can be for a number of reasons too... and even from the female perspective too though it's less talked about. I do think a lot of that is people growing apart / other resentments but might be getting too in my head!

Mr Tux quickly caught on to me needing a bit of TLC in that area before being ready. I'm currently probably more pushy than him now I know he's safe 😅 Could be an issue down the line (if I lose interest as it's hard to know where my sex drive is, having only ever been in abusive relationships which killed it - I've been upfront about this) but we will see.

Maybe just play things as they feel right at the time but also keep an eye on long term goals?

"Maybe just play things as they feel right at the time but also keep an eye on long term goals?"

That sounds exactly right.

I mean I'm moaning about MrHedgehog possibly working away (well not moaning but kind of moaning) but also I know I'm currently able to get to a position where I can access just the same opportunities for myself.

(my coldly competitive feminist heart enjoys quietly "overtaking" the guys I date in terms of qualifications and job bragging/coolness rights ).

So I'll just take my merry men (man) one week at a time - will enjoy the run up to Christmas, saving the UK by staying and doing f-all and then see what happens after that!

Not sure I want more first meets from apps at the moment but have geek coffees planned.

@SpringlikeBunk Yup, I think it plays a huge part. I did stick up big boundaries with Mr Tux but kept slipping as ... I like him a lot on many different levels 😅 a part of me hates the fact we ended up dating in all honesty as I want him long term in my life, so much. From experience, now we're intimate, I don't think that would work.

It feels like I've known him a lot longer than I actually have. I'm trying to sense check it for love bombing etc but I think we genuinely work on a similar level.

(I think we're also now in relationship territory. 😳 I played it coy tonight as he's doing his hobby, plus he's had a bad day today with a ... want to call after you're done or want some sleep? He said, oh no... you NEED to hear how this went, it's hilarious)

@SpringlikeBunk

"(my coldly competitive feminist heart enjoys quietly "overtaking" the guys I date in terms of qualifications and job bragging/coolness rights )."

Ahhh, so much this. I built a lot of my "power/self esteem" on this. Mr Tux and I have not had the conversation but I think I probably out earn him significantly (though he's smart enough to be in a better job IMO ☺️).

I know it was talked about before and I kept out of it. However I'm on 40k+ FTE which still boggles my mind, so am financially independent. Currently working part time around the kids which makes it more a living wage but work are chomping at the bit for me to go back full time, which will most likely happen next year as youngest will be in senior school.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Shayelle2009

Lol I know at least you’re active and coming to London - I bet there’s loads of creepy lurkers too (waves)[/quote]
Ha ha @SpringlikeBunk I'm in danger of turning into one of those! 👋 Crazy busy week and i feel as if I'm always sprinting to try to catch up with the tail-end of the thread - and never succeeding! Things have always moved on by the time I get there. But sending virtual hugs and high-fives to you all variously.

I've taken a pause on dating since Mr G ended things. There's so much going on at the moment with Christmas shopping, seeing family over Christmas (my sister has just successfully returned to the UK after a couple of years of not being able to visit 🤗), work being busy too, ex-related drama, childcare etc. No time for any meets and I can't be bothered with long messagy chats with strangers for ages. My plan is to kickstart back onto the apps in January. In the meantime I'm REALLY learning so much from you all, particularly InABetter, MirrorBalls, SA33, Bella, Spring, VanGogh, IsIt, Naimee and others too. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your wisdom. Great that we can not only use each other as a sounding-board but also learn from other people's sounding-board questions and reflections/ponderings. (You especially InABetter - glad you didn't disappear.) I'm soaking it all up and will hopefully be super-wise come January

I'm actually feeling pretty positive about the whole OLD experience so far. I'd never done OLD until 2021 (serial monogamist 🙋‍♀️) and since I started I've only had dates (even date zeros) with 2 people (I tend to be quite ruthless in filtering people out through messages pre-meet). Both of those lasted 3-4 months and even though neither worked out long-term, I do feel that both experiences were positive and I've come away from it with two new friends / happy memories. Given that I'm not looking for marriage/children/cohabitation, from my perspective 3-4 months of nice dating and fun chat (and great sex 😆) is a pretty good thing even if it doesn't go further than that.

Hopefully I'll feel equally positive about it through 2022...

@PurpleStripyScarf ❤️❤️❤️ I swear by aggressive swiping. I may well have missed out on the love of my life but... if I wasn't on the apps I wouldn't have seen them anyway, so nothing really lost?

Might be right with you in a few months and aggressively swiping again, but learning how to relate to new people (and maybe let them in a bit) can only ever be good!! Just makes you more aware of what you want / are willing to put up with - and so much fun to boot ☺️

You are funny @SpringlikeBunk 🤣🤣 love your trains of thoughts and ways of thinking 🤣🤣

Laughing at your "cold feminist heart" @SpringlikeBunk 🤣
Sex drive is a tricky one when yours has been skewed for whatever reason (abusive/sexless prev RS) isn't it @InABetterPlaceNow? It turns out mine is pretty high 🤭 try not to jump Mr D at every opportunity and he is from a similar background so still working his own out too. So far we seem on the same page, we're just being annoyingly polite about initiating ('oh I wasn't sure if you wanted to' etcetc).

@Heartbeats0708
Just don’t laugh as him in bed, it’s most off putting, and makes the firmest of erections wilt like 5 day old shop flowers, trust me.

Morning all - so he called exactly on time and we chatted for a couple of hours... it was a good chat and we talked about the weekend and how much fun it was, we both opened up a bit about our pasts etc.

I mentioned him not responding to my flirty message on Monday morning (I'm not sure who else has mentioned this but Mr Mixtape does NOT really do any sort of sexting although does start flirting a bit in the lead up towards meeting) and for the first time we talked about the fact he's not really into that. He said he prefers to do things when we're 'co-located' (is this a term that existed pre-Covid?) and I remember this is why I didn't even think I would fancy this man when I met him - he partook in almost NO flirting ahead of meeting other than being very matter of fact and direct about wanting to meet in the first place. Then when we met I was taken aback by how fanciable he was and .... ahem... what a totally filthy maniac he is in the flesh . I'm glad we discussed it as he was again matter of fact about it and said 'don't take it personally, I just prefer these things face to face' and I told him that was all fine and good apart from if you have several weeks between meeting, then it's just TOO HARD.

If I'm honest, I came away thinking I think I'm going to want a bit more from him than he's going to be prepared to give - although this may build with time, perhaps I should wait and give it a couple of months. I asked him about possible meet between Christmas and New Year and he said possibly but his children are with him that week and he'd need to wait and see what they're doing. Which is true but... I think this is my cue to book something away because I do NOT want to be sitting around waiting for him to fit me in and I have a week without my kids and am not wasting it.

Also annoyingly we had a bit of an argument at the end about whether or not there is such a thing as 'free will' and he was bristling a bit at my position on that. All good natured but annoying that we ended on that note and by that time it was 11pm and he needed to go and read a couple of research papers and I was falling asleep and it wasn't the time to be starting a philosophy face-off

@PurpleStripyScarf it's great you feel that way about OLD. I would agree with you in that I've had quite a good 'hit rate' - been doing it for about 18 months, have met about 6 people and had 3 relationships (or mini relationships) out of that. I am super selective with who I meet though and can't even muster the energy to continue chats with someone unless it's really easy and they seem like a good fit.

It's fantastic you can look at the experiences you've had and see the (significant) positives of them. Of my three mini/relationships, each one has been with a more suitable person so I think I'm getting better each time at knowing what I do or don't want. Still think I'm tending towards the emotionally unavailable though....

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
I’m going to put my head above the parapet here and say that you are being a bit unreasonable, If he doesn’t like flirting/ sexting (and he has already told you so), why are you raising this still ?
Also with him having his kids for Christmas, that will probably be really important for him, so not sure why you even asked for a meet.

Ms W has her kids for Xmas and I know how important to her, so I’m not even asking for meet up and have my own plans already set

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I agree with @FabulousMrFifty that you are trampling over his boundaries, he told you he doesn't do sexting and then you've told him if you go too long between meets its 'too hard' so basically telling him he eithers sexts or meets more often and thats not fair.

Also on the kid situation I'm with MrFifty, if he has his kids he'll want to give them his full attention. I would book a trip away. It is hard when your child free time doesn't align but you must keep your own life ticking along without him.

I've told Mr K my plans and he's told me some of his and I told him to join me on some days or not and we'd go with the flow, I'm not sitting around waiting for him, I've got a busy life with pkans.

[quote SortingItOut]**@ibelieveinmirrorballs* I agree with @FabulousMrFifty* that you are trampling over his boundaries, he told you he doesn't do sexting and then you've told him if you go too long between meets its 'too hard' so basically telling him he eithers sexts or meets more often and thats not fair.

Also on the kid situation I'm with MrFifty, if he has his kids he'll want to give them his full attention. I would book a trip away. It is hard when your child free time doesn't align but you must keep your own life ticking along without him.

I've told Mr K my plans and he's told me some of his and I told him to join me on some days or not and we'd go with the flow, I'm not sitting around waiting for him, I've got a busy life with pkans.[/quote]
Thanks for thoughts on this - I don't think I demanded that he do anything regarding sexting; the thought of anyone feeling pressured to do that is horrendous! I accepted what he said but said that it was hard (more talking about flirty chat not full on sexting tbf) when we had 4 weeks between meets as I felt as though it was hard to keep the connection up.

And re. the kids, I should clarify that they are adults. Even so, I completely accepted his response that they are staying with him and would need to know what their plans are before making his own plans, which again I completely accepted. Hence my reasoning that I will make my own plans and not wait around wanting to see him!

Also @SortingItOut I do think your approach is a very good one - I think the difference for me in that week is that I have a long time without my kids, most of my good friends are with their children and/or partners that week, and so I definitely suffer from a sort of 'what do I do now?' sense when I have this time away from them. In the summer of course I'm usually working when they're away with their dad, so it's not that very long period of silence/emptiness in the house. I really find these years, when I have them for Christmas Day and then they're away till after new year, really difficult - in the run up to Christmas Day I'm completely manic with work, their birthday, and getting ready for Christmas. They then leave, I collapse in a heap, and rarely have properly made arrangements for things for me to do. It's totally my own 'failing', I don't know why but it happens this way each time. I really don't want to be relying on a man to fill that gap unless it's very clear that it works for us both. I definitely think going away is the solution this year.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Sexting/flirting whatever you want to call it, he doesn't want to do it.
You may not have seen it as an ultimatum but that's how it reads and if you came on here and said a man had said what you said we would all be calling red flag.

My kids are adults and will always come before my partner, I think spending time with adult kids is more important than younger as they likely have their own busy lives and don't get to see their Dad very often.

I can't recall if you've said but how is your life generally? Hobbies, friends, family etc
You seem to be putting a lot of time and energy into hours of chat/video call which end up in very deep conversations when at the start it should be fun and breezy and ideally short bursts (unless on dates).

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Cross post with your last post there.
I know as a mum we often put ourselves at the back of the queue for sorting things out so its not surprising you find yourself with no plans every other year.

Although my kids are adults they do their own thing, I expect DD will see her Dad for a few days so I am pretty much on my own except for having to feed them🙄
A break away sounds perfect, unfortunately I have animals so can't really up and leave although I am looking at a break away in May, ideally on my own although Mr K thinks he is coming....

Get that break booked so you have something to look forward to.

Yes @SortingItOut I agree re. adult kids, I don't think it's less important. All I did was ask if he was free between Christmas and New Year and that I was thinking of going away - do you think I shouldn't even have asked?

We don't chat that often on the phone, this was the first chat since the weekend and we only speak 2-3 times per week. Most of our chats have been nothing other than light-hearted.

I definitely feel like I tend to overthink when I meet someone however - this is a codependency issue where I tend to pour too much importance into something too early on - this is something I battle with in terms of my own boundaries. In this case, I feel as though Mr Mixtape is being very boundaried and appropriate, and I am the one who needs to get a handle on my own feelings/responses. I have a very busy life in lots of ways but it's all about work (I have a demanding job with high visibility which is relatively new and has been a steep learning curve) and about responsibilities. I am notoriously rubbish at prioritising my own needs and am hoping the therapist will help with this - but know it can also be as simple as making some basic changes.

Hey gang. I’ve only been out of touch for a couple of days and clearly you guys have moved on a ton in that time! Hope you’re all doing okay today x

Based on your usual excellent sharing I have some questions! I’ve asked specific people based on things they’ve mentioned recently but would love advise from anyone!
@BelladiMamma How many irons in your roster? I think a roster would be a good fit for me but don’t know what is too many! Sounds like you’ve got it made!
@ibelieveinmirrorballs @SpringlikeBunk what is the right balance of honesty about other people you’re dating in your opinion? One approach I was thinking of was asking each iron how much they’d like to know and then going with their preference. If it ends up with people who want exclusivity letting me go then that’d be completely fair.

My date zero with Mr Funk (named for music) was on tuesd. I can’t believe how well it went. I think he’s gorgeous (far too good for me). Conversation was so easy and touched on some deep stuff and some light stuff and was instigated from both sides. We sort of also both admitted during the meal that this was going really well and that we fancied each other which meant I felt a little more secure. We ended up getting a bit hot and heavy with the kiss goodbye - we both were into that though evidently. He’d texted me nice things before I even got home after and we’ve been texting a bunch since and made a vague plan to meet up again next week.

I’m partially worried that I’m going to end up falling for him too fast though at this rate. I need to keep reminding myself I still barely know him and he could still turn out to be an arsehole and I need to keep a level head. How the heck do I do that?????? I’m working on staying in touch with other irons, friends and hobbies but I’m mildly distracted by how much I’m looking forward to seeing him again What do I need to be doing here to protect myself?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Personally I wouldn't have asked for a meet but that's just me, I would have had my own plans and then if he suggested a meet I'd agree if I was free.
With Mr K any time he has his son is out of bounds (although very occasionally, like once or twice a year I have asked for time if it was v.important) for us to meet so I don't suggest it.

It sounds like your life is mainly work, your kids and Mr mixtape- where is your time? Where is your fun?

Its good you recognise co-dependency, I was like that in my marriage which was emotionally abusive but I didn't recognise it until I left.
I have, somehow, gone completely the other way and my relationship with Mr K is built on 'if we're free at the same time we meet but if we're not we don't'
We both have busy lives but try to see each other at least once a week, ideally twice but that doesn't always happen.

Since I left my marriage I have become much more selfish, I prioritise my needs and it feels great (but odd)
I am naturally a people pleaser, fixer, flirence nightingale so to not rush to do this is hard.

Good luck with the counselling, I started counselling in September (3.5 yrs after I split from my husband, I just wasn't ready before)

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
Personally (others may disagree, I’m normally proved wrong), I don’t think you should have asked, if he is the one with guests, ( and he may well have said yes), he might be thinking he has to balance what his kids are doing along with a meet-up, maybe you should have let him ask ?

But only you/ he will know the answer of course