Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thank you @SpringlikeBunk, I agree it is a terrible situation. Yes £400 increase! Unbelievable. The most I’ve had is £50 or £100 after at least a year of renting. He’s been there six months! The landlady doesn’t seem well to be honest from the way she is acting but he is going to call citizens advice and shelter tomorrow.

He’s said today he feels calmer about the situation and less inclined to put all his stuff in storage which is good. We’ve had a quiet day, both working and mooching about. We’ve never done this before and I think it makes me super anxious having quiet time with someone. I worry we have nothing to say to eachother and they’re bored. I also frequently feel bored, but I recently got an adhd diagnosis and realised this may just be me in most relationships unfortunately. So I’m trying not to pay attention to it.

He did just shyly ask if he could stay again tonight which was cute and I felt myself relax a little so I think some of this is coming from insecurity and getting used to him again. I just started decorating the house with Christmas things and it felt really nice and homely and coupley having him there. I’m pleased he’s staying tonight again. He’s just gone to look at a flat so we get a bit of a break.

My last boyfriend was the opposite, rampant chemistry from the off and lovebombing from him. So I think mr story’s calm, quiet demeanour puts me ill at ease when maybe it’s healthier?

Thanks everyone for putting up with my anxious ups and downs. I think I might be slightly hormonal but also unfortunately relationships do tend to trigger them!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Do you think he might have picked up on on not replying because you were wobbly? It feels like he left the ball in your court and perhaps you not replying felt to him like a rejection. Perhaps, if it feels right, a message to say life has been a bit tough (it sounds like a lots been going on that's triggered you emotionally so no wonder you've had to step away!) but you'd love to catch up (timeframe you feel you need)?

@StartingAgain33 Yup I know what you mean about how uncomfortable it feels. I'm glad you're feeling a bit more relaxed!!

Sorry to everyone I'm missing, busy day today and some head stuff too. I hope everyone who's having a wobbly day gets a good sleep and better days ahead! And lots of ❤️ to everyone else!

MrHedgehog is on the isolating bench with your man @StartingAgain33

@Naimee87 & @Shayelle2009
Yes I'm really bad, red green mainly but struggle with blues purples. If you can remember picking out the numbers within the colour dot charts I can do page one or two and then you could be showing me anything

Oh ok - So he's not self-isolating as he doesn't have to, just worrying about what to do as he wants to go home to Germany for Xmas.

I said if he's stuck here and alone at Xmas welcome to come over to me (in a very "light" way, not even sure how he'd get here).

YES, I AM NOW ONE OF THE C**TS SENDING PITY INVITES.

Thanks all for your support today - the struggle has felt very real!

@Onesmallstep67 that was/is very good advice - I called him today but he was on a call; he messaged back to say he was in a meeting... after a very busy work afternoon I just texted to ask if he was free to chat tonight; he replied straight away saying yes and suggesting a time. Part of me now thinks FFS why did I have to be the one to make contact, but a) there are times he contacts me 20 times in a row and wouldn't think twice about it and b) he did know I was out for dinner with my exH and DC last night for my DCs birthday so maybe it's not such a big thing he hasn't been in touch... arghhh. My anxiety tells me it's perfectly possible that during tonight's call he could say he doesn't want us to see each other again after all. And of course that is true - there is never any certainty, no matter how much I want it. I can look for all the signs and all the hints and the fact that he asked me on the way to the station if I wanted to see him again and if so, next time he'd pay for the hotel as I'd paid this time and was getting flustered about him asking how much he owed me. But still there is no certainty. You'd think I'd know this after the end of my marriage but still...

@StartingAgain33 it's hard when you've been used to lovebomby - no matter what happens with Mr Mixtape, this experience has made me realise I want to address all of this because I don't want a lovebomby over-promising under-deliverer so I want to be able to 'self-soothe' my way through what is normal boundaried behaviour with someone who has their own life. The situation with his landlady sounds beyond stressful - I feel for him. I was a landlady in London and would never have behaved like this - good tenants are worth their weight in gold and I never put their rent up, even after a few years! It's very sweet that he's asked to stay another night, I hope you can calm your nerves and enjoy it.

@BelladiMamma I'm another one who would probably just left it drift away. If someone is asking me boring questions or otherwise not firing my synapses in chat, I just sort of lose interest and stop replying. I very rarely explain myself unless we've arranged to meet.

@Shayelle2009 thanks for the support and sorry to hear you're also feeling rubbishy. I'm thinking about booking a crazy week away cross-country skiing or something after I hand the DC over on Boxing Day. Definitely not wanting to loll around in this state of mind... I think I'd end up eating a gargantuan mountain of Ferrero Rocher and feeling sorry for myself. Normally I don't mind but I have about 8 days child-free and it's stretching out ahead of me and I don't want to waste it being miserable at home.

Had a great chat with 2nd prospective therapist this afternoon and now have a session booked with her on Monday morning. Was all very good today - a good mixture of no-nonsense and insightful/supportive, even in our short intro call.

@SpringlikeBunk

Oh ok - So he's not self-isolating as he doesn't have to, just worrying about what to do as he wants to go home to Germany for Xmas.

I said if he's stuck here and alone at Xmas welcome to come over to me (in a very "light" way, not even sure how he'd get here).

YES, I AM NOW ONE OF THE C**TS SENDING PITY INVITES.

The worm that turned, eh?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Wasn't it Schopenhauer (sic) who said all humans are versions of the same person at some stage in their life?

So I'm now annoying Xmas invite person, after complaining about annoying Xmas invite person.

(TBF, I don't think he'll take me up on it and I won't mention it again - just as I think it's "bigger day for him than it is for me"?)

Chat tonight sounds good.

Definitely agree after all the trauma and BS a lot of us have been through it's hard to "accept people behaving in a normal responsible way to us"?

Isn't that why they say a lot of people get locked into abusive cycles - they have early trauma or one abusive relationship

Which then skews judgement for new interactions as they're overly defensive (but shuts out mainstream normal people)

and then the only people who can "get through" the defences are more abusers?

Like it's not ideal with MrHedgehog - but he's communicated ASAP what's happening like a grown-up, I've communicated back, and now it's all cool and I won't be "waiting on him" this next week?

Not doing a good job of keeping up, this week has been so hectic with work, childcare, festive stuff that's lots of fun but so draining! Will be glad to finish tomorrow and get my Christmas on.
@ibelieveinmirrorballs I'm not sure if I've muddled you up but were you the one hoping to have a monogamy/exclusivity chat with your iron at the weekend?
@BelladiMamma sometimes they just won't let it drop will they.. agree if it's not particularly scintillating conversation I'd reply less.
@VanGoghsDog that's really rotten and I'm not keen on the opportunistic/slightly exploitative nature of WG's behaviour.
Things running smoothly ish with Mr D. Hearing all these deep and meaningful conversations makes me realise we haven't really had any of those for a while. We've swapped the L word and I love to hear it, and say it, which I feel really good about.. But we're very 'settled' and I worry about coasting along and avoiding bigger potential issues/'things'. Just musing, hoping whatever is bothering me will make itself known!

Oh my GOD @SpringlikeBunk imagine if you and he actually has Christmas together!!! Ooooh bloody hell I feel a bit like Cilla Black right now!! Kind of all bird like, and excitable!

And by the way I don't think there is anything pitying about a loved one, relative or not, asking another loved one to spend Christmas with them. There was a rather stinging comment yesterday from someone about not wanting to spend with ‘their horrible family’, nothing could be further from the truth and in fact most of my friends’s families are more like family than my own, but when you’ve had an abusive and painful childhood Christmases can sometimes be a bit tough, sorry if anyone can’t get that, hence the difficulty in explaining it. Don’t think everyone doesn’t want ‘joy and light’ - you do the very best you can, and that’s all you can do.

@StartingAgain33, as I’m always the deeply suspicious of men and bitter cynic, I would be wary of mister taking advantage of your good nature and trying to get a his feet under the table at your gaff… might be being negative, but i’d just watch for any hints of cocklodger, seems a lot at this early stage.

Ahahahahahahahaha @SpringlikeBunk join me on the pitying c**t bench. It's warm and cosy here as we are such great hosts whose pity guests would be truly hashtag blessed to come and join us when we extend our invitations 🤣

@Shayelle2009 Well said. I might be wrong but I feel like that poster may have had some buttons pressed (which is totally valid! I had buttons pressed in return!). Which just goes to show how complicated and unique we all are and how the same experience can be taken so differently by us all. It's what makes all of us so fascinating and I truly believe we can learn something from everyone we meet.

Im very thankful for everyone sharing so honestly here. Even if I don't always reply to people I've usually taken something from the post.

@FabulousMrFifty For you, as I know the talky talk gets boring!!

@Heartbeats0708

Not doing a good job of keeping up, this week has been so hectic with work, childcare, festive stuff that's lots of fun but so draining! Will be glad to finish tomorrow and get my Christmas on. *@ibelieveinmirrorballs* I'm not sure if I've muddled you up but were you the one hoping to have a monogamy/exclusivity chat with your iron at the weekend? *@BelladiMamma* sometimes they just won't let it drop will they.. agree if it's not particularly scintillating conversation I'd reply less. *@VanGoghsDog* that's really rotten and I'm not keen on the opportunistic/slightly exploitative nature of WG's behaviour. Things running smoothly ish with Mr D. Hearing all these deep and meaningful conversations makes me realise we haven't really had any of those for a while. We've swapped the L word and I love to hear it, and say it, which I feel really good about.. But we're very 'settled' and I worry about coasting along and avoiding bigger potential issues/'things'. Just musing, hoping whatever is bothering me will make itself known!

No - you haven’t muddled me up! Yes - we had a talk about it all. It was a bit awkward but went okay - not sure if you remember but it was prompted by his having a FWB stay after we’d met once, and rather than (as I would have preferred) him not saying anything, he felt the need to tell me in advance as he didn’t want to hide it. So we talked about that and I said obviously this is only our third date, but I know if we carry on I won’t want you to have set ups like that. He said this particular friend is someone he’s known for years, that they go between just friends and FWB if they’re both single and he would change back to friends again if we carry on. We talked about what we both wanted long term (prob not living with anyone) and said let’s see what happens. He said he’s not looking to meet anyone else. Overall I felt happy with the chat, it was pragmatic and appropriate given it was only our third (admittedly intense/extended) date. Caveat ting that with the fact that I would say he’s definitely more free-spirited than me and I think less sure he actually wants a partner (although he didn’t say that).

@ibelieveinmirrorballs how about you plan those 8 days doing something good every single day! Idk where you live but if near london… do free days out to the Tate, Natural History museum.. Science Museum… trip to seaside and a long walk.. cook your favorite food.. all things you enjoy 🙂

Yeah @InABetterPlaceNow they seemed to hit a few of us with one post.. It’s a very tricky time of year for most people it has to be said, whatever everyone’s situations, I think we are all struggling in our own ways, I dont think anyone comes on here wishing to be attacked… I dont anyway ❤️❤️ Come here for support, and to give support, that’s all 💗

Sounds quite sensible and grown up @ibelieveinmirrorballs have you established that you're exclusive? Not sure if you've paraphrased but I noticed where you said would return to just friends if you two carried on seeing each other- does that mean something happened when she stayed?

@Heartbeats0708

Sounds quite sensible and grown up *@ibelieveinmirrorballs have you established that you're exclusive? Not sure if you've paraphrased but I noticed where you said would* return to just friends if you two carried on seeing each other- does that mean something happened when she stayed?

I deliberately didn't ask. I had already told him a few weeks ago that although I understood his 'urge' to tell me he had this long-standing arrangement for her to come and stay the weekend (she lives a long way away) I felt as though it put me in an invidious position - I had no right to tell him what to do or to officially 'mind' about it as we'd only met once (FFS) - yet felt uncomfortable knowing. And of course, unsurprisingly, didn't enjoy that weekend knowing she was there and we had no contact. I think the better course of action, having had one date with someone and - understandably - absolutely no conversation about exclusivity - would have been to keep whatever else you're doing to yourself! So I was quite vocal about my feelings at the time - do what you like, as we are not exclusive and have met once. It did however make me very sure I wouldn't be leaving it long before having the conversation again. If I'm honest, I still think 3 dates in is very early to be having that conversation, and the only reason we did was because of his early disclosure. It's all far too complicated really, and didn't need to be.

@Shayelle2009 that is by far the most sensible option - I think if I'm feeling as low as I have been the past few days though I just don't think I'll motivate myself to go and do those things. Whereas if I've paid to go on holiday to learn a new activity at great expense, perhaps I'll be FORCED to start feeling bloody grateful to be alive etcetc

@Shayelle2009

Haha that would be fun (random “takeaway and bed” Xmas day yes please 🙋🏽‍♀️) but realistically I think he’d like to get back to family and may want to avoid catching omicron by coming down here.

Also aware that if travel restrictions come in “that may be it” for a while.

But I’ll try to take this one week at a time, rather than “set up fifty replacement dates and panic” as I’m “certainty seeking”

I get you @ibelieveinmirrorballs.. sometimes you just have to bloody go for it hey 😊

@InABetterPlaceNow
Ohh love a bit of spam…

Let’s just have a recap on what the Romans have ever done for us

I think you’re playing it really well @SpringlikeBunk (not playing it as in playing games,) but just flowing with this for now even if a little bit more would ideally be nice…but he’s been really consistent hey? something tells me he is a genuine guy, I don’t know what it is …. but I think he’s worth your patience..

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I agree I’m at similar “date numbers” with MrHedgehog and I don’t really think it’s relevant to share I’ve been for a coffee with someone else or am vaguely considering “plan Bs”?

Or I have met up with someone I’ve dated before since we met.

It just feels like TMI at this stage - or “trying to make him jealous/insecure”.

Do love this thread… getting to think and talk about all these affairs of the heart.. without any actual risk or involvement of me own 😆 hehe. 💗