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Original poster

Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

988 replies

WeWantTheFinestWines · 08/12/2021 14:39

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
StartingAgain6369 · 14/12/2021 22:58

@Naimee87 Me and the Yorkie bar have got everything crossed 😜

Shayelle2009 · 15/12/2021 06:40

Hope it happens @Naimee87! What colour will the LED lights be today!! 😆😆

Naimee87 · 15/12/2021 07:56

Thanks EVERYONE! I actually feel nervous... never usually do! 😮🤩 With all the school sh*t still unresolved i need a good escape! Hope you're having good weeks. Seems COVID is turning everyone's 'festive holiday' plans upside down again. Can't believe it's that time of year again though... Time for deep thinking on some New Years Resolutions ( that are actually manageable )

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 15/12/2021 08:20

Keeping everything crossed for you @Naimee87! We all need a bit of festive 'cheer' in the form of some action Grin

Couple of days of massive overwhelm here, which I've now realised coincided with horrific hormonal mood swings post a change in my HRT prescription. After my message exchange with Mr Mixtape on Monday, with him saying 'let's chat later' and me not replying as I felt so wobbly, we've had no communication. Didn't really feel up to any sort of chat yesterday and it was my DCs birthday, which included the 'funtimes' addition of going out for dinner with my exH to celebrate. That was my decision to invite him and the first time in YEARS we have done such a thing. In fact on their birthday last year I was sat in a remotely held final court hearing, 7 years post separation, with him being a total loon (but thankfully getting nowhere with it and coming out with less contact than I'd offered out of court). In a way it was a big 'win' to be able to sit there and fairly amicably celebrate a birthday, but in another it also made me pensive and sad about the milestone and where we're all at now.

I also managed an intro chat with a therapist and have another one today, as I definitely think I have some processing of my. marriage and divorce to do yet and that it's impacting on my attempts to sanely connect with another sane person. The anxiety has felt so much worse this time around and whether or not anything happens further with Mr Mixtape he's definitely been the most boundaried, reliable, 'man of his word', one yet. So I feel I need to look into that because above all else I really do want to connect with someone who has these qualities!

StartingAgain33 · 15/12/2021 09:39

@ibelieveinmirrorballs sorry to hear you’re feeling anxious, does sound like some processing would be good with a therapist. I’m sorry mr mixtape hasn’t been in touch, that would also tingle my spidery senses but no idea if that’s normal or not. I also feel I’m in the ‘scarred from the past’ and don’t know what’s normal camp.

Mr story came over last night after we hadn’t seen eachother in weeks. He’s downstairs working at mine and I’m silently panicking. I feel quite awkward around him and I feel like things are just generally quiet and stilted. No idea if it’s in my head or if it’s real, and tbh from the beginning I had felt that conversation with him could be a little boring / he didn’t have much to say but thought I was over that. I’m also panicking that he doesn’t like me abs that’s why he’s quiet, which is making me more quiet and anxious!

Overthinking much?!

I think I need to just give it some time to get used to him again. He’s been away for a few weeks and I was only just starting to get comfy with him before. I really think I’m quite damaged from my last boyfriend who I put lots of trust in early on but it went disastrously wrong (he love bombed me and was generally full of drama and constant stress, I ended up mothering him a lot)

Doesn’t help that his landlord drama started again last night and he spent a good portion of the evening stressed and distracted by that. He’s thinking of moving out and putting his stuff in storage as she keeps going in his flat without permission and even changed the locks while he was away so his dad couldn’t get in (his dad was watching the flat) and so she could show prospective tenants around when mr story had said she couldn’t (for various very reasons). She’s now put pictures up on a letting site of his flat which were taken months ago secretly which has freaked him out.

I felt mildly annoyed he’d gone and checked the letting site while we’re trying to have a night together but I guess he’s anxious about it

Then I had a terrible feverish dream about my last boyfriend who was a bit of a nightmare. Ended up making loads of noise in my sleep. And he didn’t sleep from landlord stress and jet lag.

Doesn’t help I had the jab yesterday and am feeling achey and generally anxious about Christmas at the mo.

Fighting the urge to just end things before I get hurt.

Sorry for the splurge!

StartingAgain33 · 15/12/2021 09:44

@VanGoghsDog definitely sounds like you’ve made a healthy decision. He sounds quite strange from that incident! I’m pretty sure in a month or so you’ll be feeling good he’s out of your life. I agree with one poster here that you sound better than him tbh.

StartingAgain33 · 15/12/2021 09:44

@Naimee87 hope you get your Christmas wish granted Xmas Wink

Onesmallstep67 · 15/12/2021 10:15

@StartingAgain33, it sounds very much like an overload of emotions that are conflicting with one another. He's come back to a major issue with his home, it's nearly Christmas ( so most of us are feeling that rising tension about getting things done/plans) and you're trying to pick back up on the RS after a chunky break. How long now is he meant to be at yours ? Maybe if he's around for most of the day you could get out, even if it's only for half an hour and reset your mind a bit. I find this helps me when I am feeling a bit consumed with something.

StartingAgain33 · 15/12/2021 10:22

Thanks @Onesmallstep67, that’s helpful advice. I will go for a walk. I don’t think it helps I haven’t slept much.

Also yesterday after all the fuss with me doing a million lateral flows, shortly after he arrived he got a text from a colleague he’d just been with saying he’d tested positive for covid! So there’s a chance we now have it and will miss Christmas with our families. We said we would spend it together in that case but what with him maybe not having somewhere to stay etc it makes me feel claustrophobic, the idea of him being here for ages. I don’t know him well enough and as much as I sometimes crave the companionship of living with someone, it would be too much to go into that now…

On the other hand maybe some enforced time together would help us relax into it. I think part of the issue before for me was that there was so long between our dates (my fault, was very busy) I would feel like we weren’t building anything. At least we’d know if we got on!

I just don’t want what happened with the last guy to happen again. I think this is why I dreamed about him last night. We met last September when pubs were open etc but then we’re quickly a lockdown couple and he really struggled with not seeing anyone else and was basically having some sort of breakdown. It made me feel crap as I actually kind of loved the companionship and spending Christmas together. I’m frightened we’ll be forced to spend time together and it will go wrong.

Bloody covid!

Onesmallstep67 · 15/12/2021 10:27

@ibelieveinmirrorballs, I think this sounds like another situation where you are experiencing several emotions about different things and trying to work out which response is how you actually feel about Mr Mixtape must be difficult. Maybe you should check in with him, say something generic about lots on and head a bit all over the place (maybe not the right wording?) then suggest a time to catch up- either a call or date - and try to clear your mind as much as possible so you can try to focus on him alone for that period of time. Easier said than done as most of us have dozens of things running through our mind constantly. FWIW I think this time of the year is challenging, I have been thinking a lot about my DP Mr V and how we are interacting/the future.

Onesmallstep67 · 15/12/2021 10:37

@StartingAgain33, it's virtually impossible to stop feelings and reactions being impacted by previous relationships. It sounds like the last guy was very intense and it's left you feeling a bit overwhelmed/fearful of something similar playing out this time. Some people find this easier than others but I would try to find a way to talk to him about things, naming the elephant in the room by stating that this quite a lot to process for us both at the moment.

BelladiMamma · 15/12/2021 11:17

Just checking and hugs to everyone having a rough time with Christmas, relationships and other stuff.

3 of my irons are ill! 2 with Covid and one with a D&V bug.

Bloody hell, tis the season to get sick!

Naimee87 · 15/12/2021 12:58

I feel SO nervous for some reason!... I never usually do. Not helping that I still have to sit through 2hrs of meetings later this afternoon, schedule about 20 meetings for next year with people who really are not very available! Sort out my flat for a meeting with someone now newly involved in the ever escalating school situation... And all i can think about is what @Shayelle2009 has said about what colour the LED lights will be tonight! I never thought adult-hood would be this confusing and exciting at the same time. I put my ability to 'cope' down to being a gemini as i'm like two people in one. One can clearly get shit done the other one is on here a lot, has 'short attention-span-syndrome' and excels in procrastinating! I think i know which one has the slight 'edge' here! Grin

StartingAgain33 · 15/12/2021 13:01

@BelladiMamma they’re dropping like flies aren’t they!

@Naimee87 where are the leds and what colours can they be?

Naimee87 · 15/12/2021 13:20

@StartingAgain33 they are in the cabin on the ceiling... and can be red or blue and under the bed is the sound system! Some truckers have a good setup! He's a 'posh/fancy' trucker! Grin and doesn't have one of those grim scary looking ones where a wheel may fly off or the tarpaulin may come loose. His is brand-spanking new! In my truck when i get one (scania obviously) i'd have yellow and purple LED lights and the same sound system!

StartingAgain33 · 15/12/2021 13:57

Haha @Naimee87 this sounds like it’s going to be an excellent night! So does he sleep there then?? Red lights sound good to me ;)

Are you really going to get your own truck? What will you use it for?? (Apart from driving around, obviously)

StartingAgain6369 · 15/12/2021 14:19

@Naimee87
Hope everything goes well with the school

Getting back on truck sorry track with the LEDs being a colour blind male the colours could be anything but are they going to flash or are you a twinkle lady or even like them on all the time......

FabulousMrFifty · 15/12/2021 14:47

[quote Naimee87]@StartingAgain33 they are in the cabin on the ceiling... and can be red or blue and under the bed is the sound system! Some truckers have a good setup! He's a 'posh/fancy' trucker! Grin and doesn't have one of those grim scary looking ones where a wheel may fly off or the tarpaulin may come loose. His is brand-spanking new! In my truck when i get one (scania obviously) i'd have yellow and purple LED lights and the same sound system![/quote]
Sounds like a D.I.S.CO.

BelladiMamma · 15/12/2021 15:12

I told MrChef2 a couple of days ago that I can't meet him for a date until January (kicking it into the long grass) but he's still messaging me. Don't want to be a bitch and I've nothing against meeting him but I don't want the extra comms in my inbox. And honestly he's my fallback guy number 5 on a list of 5. Should I just wave goodbye?

SpringlikeBunk · 15/12/2021 15:19

@BelladiMamma

Just don’t respond to his messages?

You’re not really ghosting if you haven’t met or made a date and can pick up contact again if you like.

I do get that some threadies might think this a bit harsh but if there’s no actual existing connection or commitment I think it’s a bit OTT to have to reply to every iron or match all the time - I don’t really begrudge people who do it to me.

(Says me whose ASD means I feel compelled to respond in too much detail to everything 😷)

Shayelle2009 · 15/12/2021 15:27

Hugs to everyone feeling a bit crap today! Me included!
@ibelieveinmirrorballs I’d be a bit stung not hearing anything either but maybe he’s just having a bit of processing time, sounds like you had a really great time maybe he’s just shattered after a wild time, men go quite quiet when they're tired dont they, i find anyway.
Oh @StartingAgain33 his situation sounds really full on, his landlord is acting completely illegally why doesn’t he call the police on her! He has more rights than her!!

SpringlikeBunk · 15/12/2021 15:41

@StartingAgain33 hope you’re ok and can schedule some good bonding time if “omicronned in”

and I agree with @Shayelle2009 that his landlord is acting illegally and harassing him?

Obviously there’s always nuances to every situation and I do get you have some (understandable) doubts about things and are mindful of any potential relationship issues

but on this point I do think he’s entitled to be a bit stressed outside of the norm - he’s being harassed in his home?

I escaped from London ages ago and the bizarre shitty rental accommodation market does really screw up decent people’s mental health in a way it wouldn’t anywhere else?

Even people who’d have a nice place anywhere else (having put the work in to get good qualifications or for certain career paths) are treated like dirt by shyster landlords.

If the INCREASE is £400 that’s more than some people are paying for a mortgage on a 1-2 bedroom flat in a nice area out of London?

This isn’t a “London-bashing” post - it’s a great city and I’m looking forward to going there in February, just that I don’t think this situation is necessarily an indication of his character or work ethic or that you’ll always be “carrying” him?

Naimee87 · 15/12/2021 15:43

@StartingAgain6369 i didn't even think of the settings there could be! I'm going to see if they twinkle, as long as i live through this 1.5hr long meeting! So far it's been 11minutes... and i'm already on here! #failing atthefirsthurdle Grin ... You see no red and green or other colours? Sorry i don't quite know much about colour-blindness!

Shayelle2009 · 15/12/2021 16:09

That’s so harsh @StartingAgain6369 I’m colour mad, would be really upset not to see all the beautiful colours in life, but guess if you not seen them then you won’t miss them!

BelladiMamma · 15/12/2021 16:31

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

Just don’t respond to his messages?

You’re not really ghosting if you haven’t met or made a date and can pick up contact again if you like.

I do get that some threadies might think this a bit harsh but if there’s no actual existing connection or commitment I think it’s a bit OTT to have to reply to every iron or match all the time - I don’t really begrudge people who do it to me.

(Says me whose ASD means I feel compelled to respond in too much detail to everything 😷)[/quote]
I hear you but I just feel mean. And like I'm more likely to tell him to eff off because it's; you know, annoying because I now feel under an obligation