Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@VanGoghsDog

Is he likely to appear at the walking group or something social connected with it ?

He's not going to the Christmas do this weekend. The group has had a big falling out and split, his 'best female friend' (who is actually pretty unpleasant and a massive stirrer, but men never see it, do they?) has pinned her flag to the mast of the new group, which he hasn't joined, but as a result he's not gone to anything the original group is doing. He's usually too busy anyway - and I can always take myself off if I see him pop up on a walk.

Not to throw you off course with resolving this but was his being unpleasant to your friend out of character for him ? Do you think there is any way he’s not in a good place hence his behaviour and lack of contact?

I dunno, he's pretty self-absorbed. It was just that he offered to help her with a tech issue (via me asking him if he could tell me how to help her) and then six months later sent her a really formal email (she never gave him her email address so he must have saved it when she told him her log in for the stuff he did) telling her his hourly rate and asking her to pay the funds to xx account (the account isn't his, it's a charity he works with). It was an issue any tech could have resolved in an hour or so, he took hours and hours, clearly didn't know how to do it (told me at the time that he was happy to do it as he learned how while sorting it), he was a royal pain to her (and me) during it, and quite rude to her, but she offered to pay him and he said no - so she was gobsmacked by the email, plus it was a lot of money, you'd never pay that for what he did. Anyway, she and I composed a reply and she donated a smaller amount she felt happy with.
He just replied 'thanks'. Nothing else.

It's odd that happened while he's been ignoring me though.

He's not the sort of person who get into a 'not good place' to be honest. He's had tons of problems over the past year or so and he's always pretty chilled about it. He does have his second op (after the first one failed) next week but after I offered so many times for his previous op to help him by taking/picking him up/having him to stay etc and he just kept refusing and I felt really rejected, I don't feel the need to offer again. I sent him a card and he didn't even let me know it had arrived, nor thank me for it.

He's very close to his family and his 'best female friend' so he has people he can speak to before he'd speak to me anyway.

So to the second part, the invoicing, this is rude and daft and doesn't seem to make sense. Did he just decide he was short of money and bill her as he saw it as time spent, didn't think it through when he said no and then decided to have a go at getting some funds in? In any case it's strange. Maybe it's best not to even try to understand why he's being like this and just leave well alone. Which you're doing. What a shame though, after you'd had such a nice time together

Fucking hell that’s really rude with your friend to the point of unforgivable @VanGoghsDog - I 100% get you’re still working through the feelings here and will be for a while

but think in time you’ll see he’s done you a favour by disappearing tbh!

Ditto with unpleasant “best female friend”, why would you want that in your life?

I know it’s hard to change emotional course when you’ve been into him for a while but it sounds like it’s for the best!

I helped her word the email as it made her feel really bad, but he has no idea she contacted me about it.

I did wonder if his charity was suddenly in need of funds as he said "let me know when you've paid so I can utilise the money" in the email. He's not short of money himself, not at all. But the charity (a national one) could be, he manages it for his area so it may be that he needed funds for something to happen, who knows. Who cares! He sent the email from the account associated with the charity, so that makes it even more rude.
He offered to help her, I didn't even ask him,. I just said "do you know much about how x software work as, xx is having problems and I was trying to help her sort it" and he said "oh, just put me in touch with her, I'll speak to her".

The idea he would do that to anyone, let alone a friend of mine, is revolting, frankly. I have wondered if he is ASD though, it's entirely possible, but he's an adult so he has to deal with his own communication.
I know how he feels re being asked which is why I didn't ask him, I get asked constantly for advice in my professional area but I have never charged anyone that wasn't a commercial client. I've been bought a few bottles of wine (she asked him if she could buy him a drink, but he doesn't really drink so he said no at the time, he certainly never told her an hourly rate - and I actually don't believe the rate he gave her is the rate he would ever get).

@VanGoghsDog

Yeh it does sound like he has some weird "people-pleasing then being passive-aggressive" shit going on there? Didn't he mention his ex was "domineering" or something? I wonder how much his behaviour made her like this, it would be interesting to hear her side of the story.

It's horrific though - as a younger woman occasionally I had this sprung on me and I was so embarrassed and would have paid up and gone short to avoid any confrontation.

Like he enjoys playing the saviour, offering this or that "favour", but then backtracks when it goes through or resents it/rebels and is surly when people take him up on it.

You're well out of it IMO!

It also shows there's isn't a good dynamic going on if you weren't confident about just ringing him up or texting and going "mate, what is going on here?".

@SpringlikeBunk - yes, to all of that!

I think his action with your friend is really odd and I would be mortified if Mr V helped someone with something and then tried to charge them. I think I can deduce from what you are writing that something has shifted already for you where he is concerned.
I’m putting it out to the universe to send a hot, rampant guy your way asap in 2022… anyone else interested in me conjuring them something similar email me and I will let you know my hourly rate 😉😂

@Onesmallstep67

I don’t want a hot rampant one please (that was my date the other day) I just want my boring one in a fleece giving me a lecture on the history of canals over dinner

followed by a methodical and efficient session of “Liebe machen”

@Onesmallstep67 Yup, sorry - my money is staying in my pocket too. Mine is already hot (and wants to be rampant) but seems to be happy with me instead knocking him back and video chatting me while I have no makeup on and put up with my weirdness. I'd rather keep this goofball.

@VanGoghsDog The others are far better than me in helping you process but I think you are better than him. I know it's hard but try not to give him another second of your thought space. Even if he came crawling back, he won't fundamentally change, and you deserve better than that.

Sorry to add my own fluff again to the thread but I've been mulling this one over for some time now and wanted to put it on record (as I'm clearly very smitten with Mr Tux).

I'd thought dumped about him intellectually one upping me / making me feel stupid. I've reflected on it and my current thoughts are that in past relationships, when guys took control in all other ways, my intelligence is the one thing I knew I had over them. That's sad, but true.

So I think he triggered a vulnerability in me and I was point scoring. He's extremely blunt and is just absolutely confident in what he knows (that can be backed up by fact). He doesn't expect me to know everything and I learn a lot from him, which I like.

I can confidently say this as last night we had a conversation about web development which is my bread and butter. He has something he has to do each week for a hobby and he was like a puppy dog about it. Knew nothing about it, was completely upfront about it (and apparently I'm helping him each week now to get it done 😂).

The matter isn't laid to rest entirely - I want to see how that comes up when he talks to my friends, and I want to see how he relates to his friends. I think if that goes well I might be willing to upgrade him to boyfriend status, maybe 😅🤣

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Onesmallstep67

I don’t want a hot rampant one please (that was my date the other day) I just want my boring one in a fleece giving me a lecture on the history of canals over dinner

followed by a methodical and efficient session of “Liebe machen”[/quote]
, after reading some of the other threads on this site I’d be too paranoid to ask ms w if I was “methodical and efficient”, as it seems that women can be brutally honest when it comes to “Liebe Machen” feedback 😢

@InABetterPlaceNow
What sort of web dev do you do ?

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@InABetterPlaceNow
What sort of web dev do you do ?[/quote]
So, I've moved away from it now into a consulting role (no longer chasing where I missed a semi colon!) ... but spent 10 years doing CSS / jQuery / HTML / PHP / SQL as my bread and butter. A lot of WordPress and Magento customisations.

I got burnt out when the self service era took over. I've recently started to dive back in for fun (a five year break) - and part of why I'm good at my job is because I can check out what the the guys have build as per my spec (which is based on C++) and say "Right, well here's your problem" 🤣😂🤓

Thanks @BelladiMamma, how are you feeling? Looking forward to Christmas? x

@InABetterPlaceNow
That all sounds cool, I used to a lot of ASP/X , CSS , SQL development, but that was years ago, did a lot of VB / VBA and VBS automation as well.
Do a lot a PowerShell now and PowerPlatform, but as you say self service has killed off a lot of skills,
I can build a site in SPO and a flow in PA so quickly it’s amazing
I was a solution developer/ consultant in the past, can be a tough job, lots of travel / customer site work/ nights away.

It just shows how different we all are when it comes to “Liebe machen”… at the moment I’m more into ‘passionate and sweary’ than ‘methodical and efficient’ ☺️

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@InABetterPlaceNow
That all sounds cool, I used to a lot of ASP/X , CSS , SQL development, but that was years ago, did a lot of VB / VBA and VBS automation as well.
Do a lot a PowerShell now and PowerPlatform, but as you say self service has killed off a lot of skills,
I can build a site in SPO and a flow in PA so quickly it’s amazing
I was a solution developer/ consultant in the past, can be a tough job, lots of travel / customer site work/ nights away.[/quote]
A fellow techie!! My job needs a little travel (stomped out by Covid) but isn't too bad - doable and means I get to have hotels in pretty places paid for! Also very comfortably WFH which is a massive bonus for the kiddos / Covid secure.

I've thought about going back into the technical side a few times but would prefer to have it as a hobby and just flag all the bugs for the tech team to sort out 🤣😂

@SpringlikeBunk
I'd love some 'liebe machen' am liebsten in einer Sattelzugmaschine! That's a BIG truck! I May be on for tomorrow night, so everyone cross their fingers and toes for me please! 🤩💪🏻🤞🏻

[quote Naimee87]@SpringlikeBunk
I'd love some 'liebe machen' am liebsten in einer Sattelzugmaschine! That's a BIG truck! I May be on for tomorrow night, so everyone cross their fingers and toes for me please! 🤩💪🏻🤞🏻[/quote]
While I don't speak a dot of German and haven't googled, even I can read the context in that one.... have fun!!!!

@Naimee87

Fingers crossed for your Xmas reunion, I hope you’ll be (literally 😇😉😷) taking one for the team in a giant truck this week.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Onesmallstep67

I don’t want a hot rampant one please (that was my date the other day) I just want my boring one in a fleece giving me a lecture on the history of canals over dinner

followed by a methodical and efficient session of “Liebe machen”[/quote]
🤣🤣🤣

Thanks @Shayelle2009 I'm all good. Dating wise I'm in quite a nice pattern of friendly comms with everyone on my 'roster' and no one thinks they're exclusive either so I don't feel like I owe anyone anything.

Christmas will be nice with Mum and then later on the day I'll have the kids home which will also be nice.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]**@Naimee87

Fingers crossed for your Xmas reunion, I hope you’ll be (literally 😇😉😷) taking one for the team in a giant truck this week.[/quote]
🤣😁😁🤣
Please @Naimee87 get your Christmas fun in for the rest of us 😁

[quote Naimee87]@SpringlikeBunk
I'd love some 'liebe machen' am liebsten in einer Sattelzugmaschine! That's a BIG truck! I May be on for tomorrow night, so everyone cross their fingers and toes for me please! 🤩💪🏻🤞🏻[/quote]
Good luck with the “liebe machen “

[quote Naimee87]@SpringlikeBunk
I'd love some 'liebe machen' am liebsten in einer Sattelzugmaschine! That's a BIG truck! I May be on for tomorrow night, so everyone cross their fingers and toes for me please! 🤩💪🏻🤞🏻[/quote]
Lol! Fingers crossed!!!