Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@InABetterPlaceNow for what it's worth, I am finding it helpful and interesting to read about your response/reaction to the anxiety you are facing in this situation. I am feeling similarly but am unable (for whatever reason - I feel it's too early, I'm worried it's inappropriate, I'm worried he'll run away) to share much of it with Mr Mixtape. I have been a mess since yesterday, despite an objectively lovely weekend.

I think if you have found a person you can share your anxieties with, and they are a decent type and are not phased by it despite it being early days, and that by talking things through you both feel calmer, then that is a GOOD thing.

I'm holding off sharing my anxieties but wish I either a) didn't have them or b) was further down the line so it felt more appropriate to be open... we have only had three dates, we've had a chat about where we're at, and I sense that my seeking more and more certainty at this early stage is not in my case the right thing to do. But there's a large part of me that wishes I did share them, or perhaps alternatively end the whole thing entirely because it's just feeling too stressful to proceed in a measured way with someone who wants to be boundaried.

Aw @InABetterPlaceNow don’t leave, you’ve no reason to. I can def how see that post felt like an attack. Ironic that the poster then went on to say they wanted joy and light

@SpringlikeBunk lol, If you can’t apply data science to matters of the heart, then what is it useful for?

I agree with @ibelieveinmirrorballs, it’s useful to see someone with a different approach. I hide vulnerability and it actually slows stuff down and I think can sometimes affect connection as the other person doesn’t feel safe to be vulnerable either. I just find it super cringey and don’t know how to express things without seeming accusatory. In the case of mr story I also don’t want to push things into serious territory yet as I am also feeling my way with how I feel about things and don’t want to be premature. I’ve got spent that much time with him despite dating for two months, due to circumstances that are not our fault. Carry on doing you @InABetterPlaceNow!

[quote Shayelle2009]@StartingAgain33 I used to get very upset about Christmas alone when I was younger. I used to find it really traumatic. Now, I actually love how chilled and independent I am and actually how much I love my life doing whatever I want when I want with no one disapproving/trying to hold me back, and it’s just amazing! Im lucky. Also don’t feel like I need to explain myself to anyone about Christmas and what I want to do. It’s totally liberating 💛[/quote]
This is bloody great 💛💛💛

@InABetterPlaceNow

The way you suggested a chat sounds very healthy and also the same way I'm trying to express myself (preens, great minds think alike, etc etc).

I'm a big fan of the "soft sell", so trying to express I want to see someone and "leaving a door open" but not forcing things?

If I want to see someone after a date zero I don't heap on praise or send lots of "vague flirty messages" , but I just message ASAP to say "was lovely meeting you, definitely let me know if you fancy meeting again some time!"

So he can then "pick up the ball" if he is interested? But I won't message "for a chat" after that.

With MrHedgehog, I've left it at "would be great to catch up, if not see you in 2022!"

If he wants to clear time (he's got a train to my city and taken me out and worked around me so he is "making the effort") he can, but also he knows I like him enough so I'm happy to catch up in 2022.

And it's more of an ego boost to feel he's actually made the effort and made time rather than me having to push
for it

. With my date zero MrTescos, I felt he was backing me into a corner a bit and my schedule was being "monitored" which I don't want in my life?

@MayEye Thank you!

@Eesha Yup, I agree. I'm doing my best to sit on things and work through stuff as much as I can, but unfortunately he tends to see things written all over my face if something is up - I'm not very good at hiding how I feel! I'm still having a ton of fun with him (and he seems to be too) so hopefully it's working out OK.

@SpringlikeBunk Haha i love this!! ❤️

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I'm glad it's been helpful. I know I'm a little ball of anxiety at times, and I do try hard to do all the work. I just also know when I'm going into "mind reading" territory and when it would be easier just to get on the same page. I do this with all my relationships to be fair, not just in this one.

Reading back how I wrote what I'd said I can see how it sounded like I said "You haven't messaged much today, are you sleeping with other people already?" I was trying to paraphrase and failed...

FWIW the conversation went more like ... I know I'm a complete fruit loop at times but it's because I'm used to toxic relationships and it's hard to get out of the idea that someone can be happy to give me space when I did, and also take space for themselves as this has always been bad news before. I'm also used to people being really full on, though I know it was used to control me and ignore the negative stuff. You've been more than consistent with showing me that's not the case but I might need to seek reassurance sometimes - is that OK?

In terms of today, I could see you were really busy at work. I wasn't sure if you'd rather I messaged you a bit more to cheer you on or if you wanted me to leave you alone. Then I got overthinky about that. What's the best thing for me to do on days like that? (Surprisingly he'd have preferred I'd reached out more!)

I'm also aware you said how important sex is to you, and that you have a high drive, and obviously I'm still overcoming some issues around this and as it's early days we are only seeing each other once a week or so. Are you sure you're happy with being exclusive so soon?

Still paraphrasing and he obviously gave input on his side too but they helped me understand him more (and him me I think).

Thank you @StartingAgain33 ❤️

Ironically between posting on here and work today I've not replied the the message he sent a few hours ago 😁 Now that we have a next meeting set up and talked through stuff I'm not at all worried about when / if we chat 😂🤣

@SpringlikeBunk Yup, this is pretty much how I got him to set a next meet... I said I spent a lot of Sunday thinking about inviting myself over for a repeat of Saturday but knew he was busy with friends... cue him trying to figure out if he could shoehorn me in sooner but we'll just have to wait till Monday!! 🤣😂

@InABetterPlaceNow

That sounds good.

I know the Xmas period is genuinely very hectic for many (I can't meet anyone this week) so I'm just organising little coffees here and there with international colleagues staying in the country and anything else romantic/social is a bonus!

Agree with you on the love-bombers as well - I know others have seemed keener with contact/dates than my fellah for sure.

But also they didn't have my best intentions at heart and were basically "trying to pin down sex" ASAP which isn't really a compliment!

Ps not "my fellah" but I'll just secretly think of him that way in a slightly obsessive way, nothing to see here

I have nothing constructive to add, so here some old nonsense

@SpringlikeBunk Yup, I always knew this week would be busy for him as he won't have DD for Xmas (he's actually going to be all alone for it which I feel for him on 😅 hence staying away from the Xmas talks above. For me I love Xmas to me, my kids and that's it). Then the following week is going to be crazy for me to make sure all the last minute bits (which right now is EVERYTHING) are sorted.

Haha my head keeps slipping on the label thing too. He poked fun at me and said when he introduces me to his friends it will be as his "not yet labelled girlfriend" 😅

I'm not quite sure how the transition to that works. I'm really happy with the thought of exclusivity at this stage. I've no idea what has to happen to be comfortable with any other labels, or why I have such an aversion to the idea... but as we've established, I'm complicated 😅🤷‍♀️

@FabulousMrFifty 🤣😂🤣 Is this is an example of what your pj shorts look like, I may change my previous answer... ☺️

Well, I've sent this to him:

"Well, I'm very hurt by your lack of communication. I'm going to bow out, I don't want to be friends with someone who shows me so little respect."

and blocked him on my phone (WA and phone). There are other ways he could contact me but I'm guessing he won't.

Well done for standing your ground @VanGoghsDog though I'm sorry he's left you feeling like this! It's really rude ☹️

I think it was to the point. He needs to know his behavior is hurtful and impacts on people.

And why would I be friends with someone who behaves like that.

I've just had flowers delivered from my sister, so feeling a bit warmer towards her.

@InABetterPlaceNow
Well.. I’ve got good legs…, maybe next time..

@VanGoghsDog Agreed - it might make him think twice about how he treats people on the future!

Aww That's lovely. I'm glad she's rebuilding bridges!

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@InABetterPlaceNow
Well.. I’ve got good legs…, maybe next time..[/quote]
😁😁😁

@VanGoghsDog

I think it was to the point. He needs to know his behavior is hurtful and impacts on people. And why would I be friends with someone who behaves like that.

I've just had flowers delivered from my sister, so feeling a bit warmer towards her.

Well done - that was a strong approach and I admire the ‘block immediately’ approach. It’s so sad when someone can’t just communicate reasonably rather than go silent.

Great that your sister sent flowers.

I totally get the ‘pity invite’ thing (and personally would rather be on my own then around other people’s kids when I don’t have mine, but also assume most people are being well-meaning, even if I would rather be alone 😬

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@VanGoghsDog Agreed - it might make him think twice about how he treats people on the future!

Aww That's lovely. I'm glad she's rebuilding bridges![/quote]
This ^

But I'm sorry it came to this. I know he went quiet before once and that it was resolved but it's really too hurtful to have to keep negotiating this sort of thing.

However that's good that your sister is trying to make amends

I don't think my sister knows there are any 'amends' to be made, I haven't told her how upsetting all her poking at me about the heating and complaining about the bill etc was for me. She won't have spotted I'm not speaking to her.

MrWG won't notice I have blocked him because he doesn't 'get' WhatsApp so won't realise that one tick means his message is not delivered, nor that my photo has gone. He'll just assume I'm not responding if he messages me at all. Not that it makes any difference.

I’m sorry too @VanGoghsDog if this is how things are to end with Mr WG. Is he likely to appear at the walking group or something social connected with it ?
Not to throw you off course with resolving this but was his being unpleasant to your friend out of character for him ? Do you think there is any way he’s not in a good place hence his behaviour and lack of contact?

Deadline food in full season here.

Hope you’re ok @VanGoghsDog it feels like you’re going through a bit of an emotional pile-on with your family and MrWG not responding etc! Plus the winter weather and darkness never helps.

Can you get a proper time away just for you at some point?

Is he likely to appear at the walking group or something social connected with it ?

He's not going to the Christmas do this weekend. The group has had a big falling out and split, his 'best female friend' (who is actually pretty unpleasant and a massive stirrer, but men never see it, do they?) has pinned her flag to the mast of the new group, which he hasn't joined, but as a result he's not gone to anything the original group is doing. He's usually too busy anyway - and I can always take myself off if I see him pop up on a walk.

Not to throw you off course with resolving this but was his being unpleasant to your friend out of character for him ? Do you think there is any way he’s not in a good place hence his behaviour and lack of contact?

I dunno, he's pretty self-absorbed. It was just that he offered to help her with a tech issue (via me asking him if he could tell me how to help her) and then six months later sent her a really formal email (she never gave him her email address so he must have saved it when she told him her log in for the stuff he did) telling her his hourly rate and asking her to pay the funds to xx account (the account isn't his, it's a charity he works with). It was an issue any tech could have resolved in an hour or so, he took hours and hours, clearly didn't know how to do it (told me at the time that he was happy to do it as he learned how while sorting it), he was a royal pain to her (and me) during it, and quite rude to her, but she offered to pay him and he said no - so she was gobsmacked by the email, plus it was a lot of money, you'd never pay that for what he did. Anyway, she and I composed a reply and she donated a smaller amount she felt happy with.
He just replied 'thanks'. Nothing else.

It's odd that happened while he's been ignoring me though.

He's not the sort of person who get into a 'not good place' to be honest. He's had tons of problems over the past year or so and he's always pretty chilled about it. He does have his second op (after the first one failed) next week but after I offered so many times for his previous op to help him by taking/picking him up/having him to stay etc and he just kept refusing and I felt really rejected, I don't feel the need to offer again. I sent him a card and he didn't even let me know it had arrived, nor thank me for it.

He's very close to his family and his 'best female friend' so he has people he can speak to before he'd speak to me anyway.

@SpringlikeBunk

Deadline food in full season here.

Hope you’re ok @VanGoghsDog it feels like you’re going through a bit of an emotional pile-on with your family and MrWG not responding etc! Plus the winter weather and darkness never helps.

Can you get a proper time away just for you at some point?

I'm off work from 24th (end of) to 4th, but not going anywhere. I had two holidays on my own in 2021 and it doesn't help if I'm honest, it just reminds me how on my own I am!