Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@StartingAgain33 @RayoftheTriffids
Make sure you go to the right part of the coast, the part I’m from is mostly in the sea now.

Mundesley: Coastguard issues warning after cliff fall www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-59600753

@StartingAgain33 I used to get very upset about Christmas alone when I was younger. I used to find it really traumatic. Now, I actually love how chilled and independent I am and actually how much I love my life doing whatever I want when I want with no one disapproving/trying to hold me back, and it’s just amazing! Im lucky. Also don’t feel like I need to explain myself to anyone about Christmas and what I want to do. It’s totally liberating 💛

Thank you so much everyone for the handhold last night!

He video called last night as promised. Started with him venting about work, it turns out his day really was terrible (thinking about finding a new job terrible) so no wonder he was quiet!

Then we talked about the panto which sounded awesome! And then he seemed to brace himself and say "go on then, lay it on me" 😅 I said I'm sorry that I keep being direct when I have stuff on my mind and that I know this bit is supposed to be the easy bit, but that I'd rather not mind read and would prefer just to just talk things through. He agreed and said he prefers the "no bullshit" stance, put the cards on the table and see what comes of it.

I started by apologising to him... I feel I've judged him harshly because of my past experiences and thanked him for being patient and consistent. He seemed a bit taken aback, said I absolutely didn't have to apologise, though he doesn't know any details he has a good idea of what's happened to me in the past so it makes absolute sense why I feel the way I do - but that he accepts my apology and thanks me for it. So that was a good start.

I then talked about the whole being used to being lovebombed and that I'm finding it hard to get my head around him being quiet and taking space at times doesn't mean he's off looking for something else. He validated me completely on the lovebombing bit, said though he has no experience of it he can see how it would make me feel and that it will take time for me to get used to a slower pace but he's happy to provide all the reassurance I need.

The second part seemed to push some buttons (he has history of being cheated on) and he went on quite a strong rant about how we both agreed to be exclusive, it would utterly go against his morals to do that and that will be the case until we decide together not to be exclusive.

We also talked a bit about how much contact through the day would work and that we'd both just say openly if either of us need space.

We then dropped all of that and spent the rest of the time talking about random stuff and I went to bed far too late 😂 He seems a bit gutted that he's got a super busy week (mostly DD) so we've agreed next meet for next Monday. He's said we'll have a few video calls in between though. He's also off work on the bank holidays around Xmas so those are earmarked to do something too.

Feel back to being completely at ease and pinching myself a bit that we seem to be able to just talk this stuff through before it becomes an issue? 🤷‍♀️

@InABetterPlaceNow I think it's really promising how you can talk so in depth about these things.

Mr Music left this morning after a couple of nights together. He's back tomorrow now for another few days. It's been great fun!

Notes to self:

• never invite anyone for Christmas Day as it is insulting and they would obviously hate spending time with me and my horrible family

• if someone I’m dating says they thought I’d lost interest because I didn’t message for a few hours, I must feel sympathy for them not offence that they could think I was so shallow.

Every day’s a school day on this thread!

@JustThisLastLittleBit Umm. Was that a dig at me? Sorry if I've misinterpreted. It's not a case of feeling he is shallow, I've just been in a number of toxic relationships and this feels very different. From therapy / reading on the topic this seems to be a very normal response. I haven't attacked him etc in any way, just let him know how I was feeling and asked for some reassurance that I was correct that it's my mind monkeys that are the issue rather than him starting to pull away after we DTD for the first time on Sat.

I'll leave it there as I may have misinterpreted, and if so, I'm sorry.

@InABetterPlaceNow
Wow, big update 👍🏼

@JustThisLastLittleBit
That’s it Christmas is officially cancelled for me and I’ve never going to message anyone ever again !

@JustThisLastLittleBit

Notes to self:

• never invite anyone for Christmas Day as it is insulting and they would obviously hate spending time with me and my horrible family

• if someone I’m dating says they thought I’d lost interest because I didn’t message for a few hours, I must feel sympathy for them not offence that they could think I was so shallow.

Every day’s a school day on this thread!

No, that's not right. I'm not insulted that people asked me and I don't think their families are horrible.

I am upset that I've had to say no twice to the same person and he's still just saying he's going to come and pick me up, it's made me really unhappy and anxious. I really like his family, but spending Christmas day with someone else's family when your own family is shit just rubs in that fact.
I'd not be good company anyway.

And I'm upset that instead of just saying no thanks to my sister and her accepting that she asked me to justify myself.

Everyone is different. I'd be pissed off of someone said they thought I'd lost interest after a few hours texting gap. No I would not feel sympathy for them. But obviously for some people this is different.

I've unmatched from men who have been pressuring on timing of contact.

I tend to think people should try not to bring their issues from previous experiences into new relationships and they should not over explain to new people that that's why they behave how they do - they should check their own behavior. The "I've been cheated on before so I suspect everyone" thing is do unfair.

I think not hearing for eleven days from someone you've actually been intimate with is another matter

I'm feeling quite attacked. So I'm going to step back from the thread for a bit.

I fully agree that you shouldn't take forward issues and put them on other people. However that is my logical mind which is useful, but my emotions don't always align. Telling myself until I'm blue in the face that I'm being stupid doesn't seem to help.

Talking to Mr Tux, making it clear that it's my issue but asking for help to understand how he works and where his head is at does seem to help. He has a healthy ego and doesn't feel threatened by my insecurities.

If I scare him off, that's fine, lesson learnt. Thankfully you don't have to date me, and he seems to be willing to put up with my horrible communication.

Last thing before I step away. It wasn't over "a few hours texting gap". Not in the slightest. I'm not going to try to explain myself, and clearly I haven't done a good job at doing so previously, but boiling it down to such simple terms is grossly unfair and ignores the fact that ALL of us are massively complicated with vastly different experiences of the world.

I felt "a little uncomfortable" about it, genuinely, and rather than let it grow into something, I had a conversation about it.

@InABetterPlaceNow

Last thing before I step away. It wasn't over "a few hours texting gap". Not in the slightest. I'm not going to try to explain myself, and clearly I haven't done a good job at doing so previously, but boiling it down to such simple terms is grossly unfair and ignores the fact that ALL of us are massively complicated with vastly different experiences of the world.

I felt "a little uncomfortable" about it, genuinely, and rather than let it grow into something, I had a conversation about it.

I was supporting you. I felt the previous post was unfair on several of us. But everyone is different, and I said as much (I only said few hours gap in response to the post I was quoting, I wasn't entirely sure who that poster was sniping at, it could equally have been me).

I don't think anybody on here attempts to speak for everyone. I always try to give a balanced response or to offer what I consider my opinion to be. Many of us use this as a sounding board or somewhere to get things out of our head and see how others might view our situation. The great thing about this thread is that usually someone has experience of our dilemma or has some really sensible advice. I always feel clearer and probably 'lighter' steps away from the Quality street once I have shared things troubling me on here.
I'm sure the people expressing their varying views on Christmas will be doing so based on what works for them.

Inabetter I was going to applaud you for your bravery in voicing your concerns in a mature and calm manner, and congratulate you for finding someone understanding and patient. Your situation sounds healthy - good comms are the key to everything. I think you may have found your unicorn, I hope you can enjoy it.

@InABetterPlaceNow ❤️❤️❤️

@VanGoghsDog Thank you ❤️ And I'm sorry. Yes, I feel the post was really unfair. No one is perfect and we all have things that will seem insane perhaps to other people but we are usually fully justified in why we feel that way.

I do agree that life is a school and I'm always learning.

@Onesmallstep67 Agreed. Posting my thoughts here really helps and being challenged when I'm being an idiot is helpful (I try to challenge myself first but will miss things) but only as constructive criticism. A clear taking the piss out of me I won't accept.

@InABetterPlaceNow, don't go. You needed a forum for some of your anxiety last night and people on here happily provided support. The joy of this is that you can say whatever is on your mind with anonymity and sometimes just the act of typing things out and formalising your thoughts is enough to take the edge off things building and distorting in your mind. People can comment or scroll, whichever they choose to. I'm not the best at psychoanalysis so when things get a bit deep I scroll on because my menopausal brain can't cope

@InABetterPlaceNow
Hey, don’t step away for too long, I’m about the most useless person I know when it comes to dating, and that some ppl think I’m a bit of joke, but this thread has helped keep my grounded and self aware over most of this year,
Have a great Xmas and PM me if you want to talk crap (or bikes ) and swap monty Python jokes.

@MizK Can't believe you've thrown away your time and space on Boxing Day😱
It's so hard when others have no one over Xmas and tell you because you feel duty bound to invite them.
Can you back track slightly and suggest he only comes for the evening or tell him he has to join you in your relaxing day😂

@InABetterPlaceNow please don’t go on my account, I was just metaphorically getting my coat to leave the thread anyway! I wish you all the very best, of course I do. My point really was that to some people (me) it is very insulting to be made demands of re contact, and it would put me off. But you probably knew that, and anyway you are lucky enough not to be dating me!

@VanGoghsDog 11 days no contact from Mr WG is ghosting, I suggest you let him know you have drawn a line under him, then do the same to your mum and sister as they don’t respect your feelings or boundaries. How far would your life be diminished without these three in it?

I prefer my Christmas joyful and full of goodwill so I shall leave you guys to your schadenfreude!

I'll be pretty much on my own on Christmas Day, my son (24) will be here but up in his room gaming with friends online so I'll do my own thing like last year (including a long walk without the dogs). DD is with her Dad.
No xmas dinner for us as I did that for 20+ years and I'm fed up of it so like last year we'll grab an Indian takeaway.
DD will likeky return home Xmas night so we'll probably do games and a bit of food.

Boxing Day is always at my mums for a big get together with buffet. DD will be with me.
Mr K is doing his own thing with his son and family, he knows my plans and I've told him to come over whenever and he has to fit round me.

I'm looking forward to a relaxed, stress free xmas unlike lots of years before. It's amazing how getting rid of the person that drags you down and causes you stress makes for a much nicer life.

@WeWantTheFinestWines @Onesmallstep67 @FabulousMrFifty Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

@JustThisLastLittleBit I guess I just don't understand where you have got the idea of anyone demanding contact? I think this is exactly the problem with text communication. It's so easy to misconstrue. I asked him if he was free sometime for a chat over the week to talk about where we were at, and he said "give me 20 minutes".

I don't want an argument I was honestly just shocked and hurt at how directly it felt you attacked me on it. I can only explain so much of the situation as I'm already very wordy, so you will have to trust me there was some additional stuff on both sides that made it a valid and useful talk. I'm actually much more measured and self deprecating in conversations with him (as is he) and neither of us felt judged. I made a promise to myself I will never be in a relationship where I can't express my feelings or am left with breadcrumbs.

Setting expectations and boundaries with a partner is not the same as making demands.

Some of the lone Christmas plans sound quite nice to me I am going to my sisters with my kids (and she has 3 too!) so it’s going to be chaotic and noisy! I am child free from 28th-1st so I’m going to catch up with friends and spend time at Mr L’s place- he wants me to meet his sister who he seems very close to (nerve wracking!)

@VanGoghsDog I’m sorry Mr WG flaked like that as I know you are fond of him. Five months after Mr TG disappearing on me it still stings a bit - hope some of the plans that you actually want to happen do take place and ignore the Christmas annoyances.

@InABetterPlaceNow I hope you don’t step away if you are getting support from the thread. I think all of us have experienced a tough love comment or two from other posters and I don’t think any malice is intended. We all handle this dating lark differently and this is why we need the support and the alternative viewpoints to make sense of it all. Sound like Mr tux is a good one.

@InABetterPlaceNow one thing I've seen after a few years on this thread is that almost everyone feels that anxiety over texting/communication at some point. If you don't at all, then I honestly think you just aren't that into them. So I guess I'm saying it's natural to feel a bit all over the place till things are more solidified. I generally think most here have good intentions, it's just sometimes things can come across blunt. We are all muddling through so do come back if you want to share any thoughts/experiences. Mr Tux sounds great but perhaps sit on your hands a bit if you want to do a brain dump at times, and maybe use this place for that. This initial time is meant to be fun for you.

true dat @Eesha and @InABetterPlaceNow

I think it's even worse if you have feelings, it's like quantum physics, it changes your perception of time completely!

People have been writing poems about it since language began, it's nothing new. They could dig this thread up in 2150 and compare our musings to Keats one day!

(I am course completely rational and scientific

there is NO way I am counting the days between MrHedgehog's messages and could draw a graph by heart based on contact levels.

MOVE ALONG NOTHING TO SEE HERE )

for all the overthinking sisters out there 🙋🏽‍♀️