Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@StartingAgain33

Aye my family is difficult, so in the past I've spent Xmas's with partners and their families or taken up a "pity" invite

and honestly I think the people who take themselves off to do their own thing or work have the right idea!

When I have a bit more money I'd like to go away on retreats somewhere pretty, but for now I'll just be skint and chilled at home.

I also think it's too much pressure in terms of presents/who spends time with who etc?

From a feminist point of view, it seems a lot of the mental load/making it perfect etc falls on the women in society. Regardless of my relationship status I've built up a functioning independent life I'm keen to maintain.

London has some lovely places! I hope the weather is good for you on the day (or you can just spend the day sleeping, which is also good).

PS

I hope everyone saves all their Xmas money and social energy for the THREADIE MEET IN LONDON ON THE 5TH AND 6TH OF FEBRUARY.

Sorry just so much to read and respond to. So I won't manage everyone!

But welcome newbies!

@VanGoghsDog ugh. I would be done too. That's 10 days. I mean I'm all likelihood he'll pop up again but it's a bit shit to leave you dangling like that. He obviously has form too, give that he's upset your friend.

@FabulousMrFifty sounds like you might be ruminating a bit ... could be you feeling low or could be that there is something you don't feel comfortable about with MsWales. You don't talk a lot about your interactions in general so I'm assuming that's because she doesn't normally confuse you?

As for social gatherings, there are too many Covid cases reasonably close for me to feel like I should be pushing any bigger group meets. Saw my DS yesterday afterwards he texted me to say one of his flat mates had just tested positive. MrDublin just texted to say his daughter tested positive.

As for my irons I've told them all I'm busy this week so unless they send me cute messages which don't need an answer I won't be texting although I did do a cut and paste lengthier message for MrDublin, MrPoet and MrBoxing as they had all been really sweet in comms on Sunday and I hadn't answered.

MrBeau has been back in touch but on Instagram .. doesn't really make sense to me but there you go. Nothing of any consequence really just a little message or two. I still think he's lovely but I've left him firmly in the 'don't pursue' box

@StartingAgain33 - Have you seen the app Go Jauntly? Lots of London walks (free). It’s pretty good!

@RayoftheTriffids thanks for the tip, I haven’t!! Will check it out :)

Omg the thread had completely moved on by the time wifi posted that 🤣

@SpringlikeBunk I agree the mental load falls on the woman. My sister is constantly stressed but also won’t accept any help at all which just makes the whole atmosphere tense. Her partner walks around on top toes. She seethes at how little effort my mum has invariably made. It’s not nice. I end up spending loads on presents as well when I go to things and no one appreciates it. Bleurgh. Families!

Quick update - when I said that I really need to take my girls to the panto at some point he said "Maybe next year we can take all 4? Would mean putting up with me for a whole year though".

Clearly overthinking (duh) though have asked for a call at some point as I'm just feeling a bit vulnerable after Sat as we don't have another meet planned.

I should have looked on here and read about pity invites. MrTeacher said he has no plans for Christmas (I think he could actually do things if he wanted as he has family and two adult children not far away).
I immediately felt the urge to ask him here on Boxing Day. Now mind you, boxing day is usually the day I do a lovely long walk then luxuriate in sofa, fairy lights, new book and several glasses of fizz. Always love the solitude - DC go to their dads and I've always been running around like a lunatic in the run up. Even when I was with ex, he would be at the football and I'd still get my day.

I'm also on my own Christmas, it's my week for the girls but exW turn for Christmas

So I'm thinking driving to the coast and going for a beach walk, roads should be hassle free, pack up some drink and nibbles to have en-route and just relax

I thought I was gonna have the kids half Christmas day and then be on my own, but MrBeard has suggested coming round mine. I’d be happy either way but will be nice having his company if he does, we’re going to forget about it being Christmas and make our own entertainment.

@StartingAgain6369 that sounds perfect, sea air and tasty nibbles

Sorry - posted too soon! Just feel a bit silly about pitying a grown adult and sacrificing my gorgeous solo boxing day!

@InABetterPlaceNow aah the overthinking is a killer. Don't fear jinxing things by allowing yourself to be happy and relax into it. He sounds legitimately into you.
@SpringlikeBunk agree re mental load being on the women. I think a skint but chilled Christmas sounds infinitely better than the pressure cooker of forcing things with family when it's not working.

@MizK your day and invite sounds great,

I think it's easy to tell a "pity invite" as it's basically "force single person cheerfully getting on with their life to be the distraction from your dysfunctional existence on one day, and ask them to be grateful for eating your badly done food and participating in your fairly dull family conversation in-jokes on the day,". HELL.

Agree sea sounds good @StartingAgain6369

@InABetterPlaceNow

Why don't you find some actual activity to do or a place to go to together and suggest doing that? Eg - a cafe you want to try or an exhibition to see or a cinema trip. Now you're intimate you can think of getting a night away at some point at well. May as well try and get out there before any possible Om Lockdowns!

@MizK Thank you! He's calling me shortly. Time to put the monkeys to bed.

@SpringlikeBunk Yup that's my plan! I don't want to default to always being at his. I've not been to the cinema with a guy for aaaages so I'll be suggesting that! We've done coffee and a few pubs so far. Will have a think about what else we can get up to ☺️

@SpringlikeBunk The trip away sounds good too but childcare can be tricky in my side so don't want to go too far! Working on that though as it would be fab!

@SpringlikeBunk yes, looking forward to February! ❤️

Hey all. Hope things are good with you. As usual your experiences and wise words you share have me thinking. In a good way.

Date zero with my guy 1 tomorrow. If it goes well I shall name him MrFunk. It’s about time as we’re starting to fizzle on text. He’s booked somewhere for dinner. A bit full on for a first one but I’m looking forward to it. And I’m nervous. Already decided on a plan b in case he flakes. I’m pretty sure my nerves will have me all distracted from work tomorrow which is annoying as I’m behind on a work thing already.

Plan: sleep hopefully. Work as hard as I can. Go home at designated time. Gussy up. Go on date. Try not to overthink or let nerves make me say anything I’ll later regret. Don’t shag him in the toilets (like I would but it’s important to make sure I have some boundaries in place cause I do sometimes get carried away). Also keep an eye out for ‘dating thread’ red flags.

@BelladiMamma
I’m fine thanks, I sometimes find ms Wales a bit blunt.

Christmas day will just be me, my DS and flopsmopsy! The thought of this a few years ago used to make me feel so sad for us like we weren't a proper family. So we'd always just go to my parents place. I would be in the bottom bunk of the kids room as my sister and her bf would get the 'fancy guest room'... But last year i made the decision to get our place Christmassy and enjoy being here just the two of us. And it seems the sad/lonely feeling i thought i'd feel was actually all in my head. It was actually really really nice and relaxing. It helped we had a tiny puppy with us as we only got her last November. And my mum also always puts the same church-carol-choir CD on every year to wake everyone up at her house. So it was a nice change to wake up to peace and quiet and then choose a film to relax to. As for presents i'm always a last minute buyer as i only get paid around the 23rd. And i hate 'shops and shopping' and i'm not big on on online shopping either as i never get anything in time. I tend to go to one shop and 'impulse-buy' and hope for the best.
My best friend is single and her family are all in the UK. I've invited her over but reading your posts do you think she she's this as a pity invite? It definitely wasn't intended that way...
@VanGoghsDog sorry to hear about MrWG. It baffles me how people can treat others like this especially people they care about. Do you think he could be wanting for you to write to him? The whole submissive thing i think you wrote about is he waiting for your 'instructions' or am i waaay off the mark here? I wish i understood magnet-man sometimes as he's fairly good with comms but can go off radar sometimes only to reappear and reassure me again. I think some people just don't have the 'emotional-attachment' to messages/calls that others do. Not necessarily saying you do but i certainly do.
@Misty9 Soo good to see smiley's in your posts and hear you are in a much better head-space!
@InABetterPlaceNow i think you should take a look at your username and realise it's true this man sounds lovely so enjoyyyy yourself. I'm so similar to you and in the past i'm sure my insecurities and worries that they'll run off have scared them off. So make sure you realise he is into you! Relaaaaax go join @Eesha and @Heartbeats0708 on the smitten bench. I've gone one bum-cheek on it at the moment as magnet-man is proving himself to be pretty 'committed' but given we went a while without hearing/seeing each other, he did leave me hanging a bit so could be a 'flight-risk' so keeps me on my toes a bit!!!

@StartingAgain6369 Your Christmas day at the coast and @MizK's boxing day plans both sound heavenly. Wouldn't mind a pity invite being thrown my way for either I do a mean cheeseboard if that would sweeten the deal?!

Good luck on your date zero tonight @DisappearingHelen. Always best to get that meet in before the text chat starts fizzling. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you having a lovely dinner and no toilet shenanigans!

From my side, I had a chat with my iron Mr Mohawk last night. Background is we'd been on a couple of really good dates, I felt a spark for the first time in a long while, but then he dropped the bombshell that he was still living with his ex.

Spoke to him last night (started off via text then became a phone call). Essentially he hopes she'll move out in the new year, but they haven't discussed a timeline and he's given her no indication when he wants her to leave. They apparently don't talk about it. He said he's not going to push her/force her to leave so the ball is in her court and she's basically got an open invitation to stay as long as she wants.

She's in the bedroom; he's on the sofa. It's his house which he owns and she has no claim to as they were only together a few months before moving in, and then only together another few months before they split up.

I get the impression they get along really well as friends and I'm pretty sure they're not still together (we live close to one another and share the same local which we've been to on one of our dates), but whether rightly or wrongly I just don't feel comfortable about it.

I've ended things with a "let me know if/when the situation changes and we'll see where we're both at". I'm taking Christmas off dating then back to the apps we go. Le sigh

Just catching up on the thread… @SpringlikeBunk it did make me smile you saying you would turn it round and try and help rather than having a strop about not getting a lattè and a perfect dinner date 🤣 so true! Glad you’re feeling slightly more settled about Hedgehog.
@ibelieveinmirrorballs sounded like a brilliant weekend! So much fun!
@InABetterPlaceNow sounds like Tux is thinking about things longer term must be a nice feeling 🙂
@VanGoghsDog so rude about WG i cant believe people sometimes it’s just so disappointing isn’t it, hope you’re ok?
@Eesha soooo happy to hear it’s going well for you! How lovely 💕💕 you deserve it!

As for me, attended a Christmas lunch in central london near Tower bridge yesterday. The restaurant which at this time of year would usually be absolutely packed was pretty much completely empty 😞 and all of the other bars and restaurants in the vicinity nearly completely empty. Very very sad to see, and cannot imagine how any of these businesses are going to survive. Stay safe everyone!

For Christmas, I’ll be chilling at home. Had lots of well meaning invites from close friends but have learnt over the years that being round other family houses at Christmas makes me feel like more of a spare part than ever. So am so much happier doing my own thing, and will do some visiting and socialising in the break. I do tend to lie to people when they ask me what I’m doing as no one really gets it and I can’t be arsed explaining myself.

@Shayelle2009 do you know I think the worst bit of spending it alone is caring what other people think and the risk of being pitied. I might lie too!

The whole submissive thing i think you wrote about is he waiting for your 'instructions' or am i waaay off the mark here?

I gave him an instruction, to find a time we could meet up. "Is there any chance we could find a time to meet up" (with my schedule attached) was my last message, he responded he'd look at his diary but he was very busy (at the time he was stuck at home on a ten day Covid isolation, so he certainly had time to look at his diary then, and he had time to email my friend twice, so he's not dead).

I get that he's busy, but even a "looks like it won't be before the new year" would have been OK (and some normal, how is your day going, type comms in between). It's not the "too busy to meet" that gets me, it's the "too 'don't give a fuck' to message back".

@StartingAgain33 - check this out as well. footways.london/

plus if anyone is short of a present for a Londoner theres' a really nice map of the parks here. www.urbangood.org/

I like these ideas of heading to the coast and staring out to sea, followed by an evening of AIBU schadenfraude .