Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Sinitta was the height of 80’s pop nonsense

72 sausage rolls, 6 bottles of merlot and two dozen cans of lager
Where do I sign… 😂😂.

Well now I feel like an absolute knob. He took DD to the panto. Messaged me back on the interval. Said he'll get back to me properly when he's home.

What a (non) douche bag 🤪

Yup, it's me that will mess this up.

I just can’t seem to get my head around how busy someone has to be that they can’t find 10 minutes for a quick catch up. Or 30 seconds to send a text,

Well, he's not so busy he couldn't send my friend two emails that upset her! But he can't send me a message or call me. Dickhead.

I think you have 2 choices- not play any games and just send him a text or call and take the initiative yourself or wait it out and see what contact you get before or over Christmas.

If I'm honest, I feel like if I try to 'end it', I'll feel silly because 'it' was always very casual and 'nothing'.

I'm not sure how to say that is ended without sounding like an overinvested nutter.
I am interested to see what he does but I'm sure I'm just tormenting myself - this is why I block people, for my sanity as then I know I won't hear from them so I can stop checking.
Obviously I think I have done something wrong and want to know if I have (my mind has imaging a million things, little things I might have said, or done, or him not being invited to my drinks, etc etc).

I can’t really help you much with deciding what to do re : your drinks party apart from asking for everyone to give you their current thoughts and whether they are still on for coming over or not.

That's the problem - it's mostly neighbours, I've just popped cards through their doors and I don't have any contact details other than their literal houses, so I'd have to drop a new card through, or go and knock on all their doors, only two have texted to say they are coming (so I do have their details), two have put notes through my door to say they are not.

Why can’t he just say what he’s thinking?

I actually doubt he's thinking anything, he's away with the fairies most of the time. I doubt he thinks for one minute that what he said/did to my friend would have upset her (even less, me! I was the initial intermediary so of course I feel involved), he's just thoughtless.

I'm also struggling as I want to tell my sister I'm not coming at all over Christmas because she's upset me over this boiler issue (she's still whining on at me, why don't people think of the impact of their communications?) and trying to rebuff another well-meaning friend who is insisting I go to theirs for Christmas Day, and I've told him twice I don't want to and he refuses to accept it and has said he's going to come and pick me up (I really don't want to, apart from anything else, they are vegan and I've ordered myself a lovely chicken! And there are five of them and I'd have to buy them all presents - not that I don't like gifting, I just don't have time nor any idea what to buy), and then when I mentioned this to MrStone he said he would come CD and keep me company - why can't they all just leave me alone!!
(it doesn't help that all the adverts this year seem to be about not letting middle aged women be on their own so everyone obviously thinks that I'm a fucking outreach programme!)

[quote RayoftheTriffids]@VanGoghsDog - Sinitta was Simon Cowell's first protege accordiing to Wiki. So macho ring any bells? Dreadful song from the 80s. According to Wiki she was lying about her age on Hinge. Tut tut.

Meh. Sorry to hear about Ms WG. I can understand why folks do this half ghosting but don't know why they think folks won't be upset. Worse if you know them IRL. Ms DualFudge at least had the decency to message me after a week so say she wasn't feeling it any more. (Coincidentally also turned out she'd lobbed 5 years off her age. As far as Omicron goes pays to be wary I think. I wouldn't be having anything more than a small gathering and well ventilated at that.

@FabulousMrFifty Martin Clunes eh? An evening with Doc Martin. Dreamy.[/quote]
Yes, I recall that awful song!

@InABetterPlaceNow - what about speaking on the phone rather than making texting main mode of communication. WhatsApp can be quite anxiety provoking in these kinds of situations.

[quote RayoftheTriffids]@InABetterPlaceNow - what about speaking on the phone rather than making texting main mode of communication. WhatsApp can be quite anxiety provoking in these kinds of situations.[/quote]
Yup! This is what I'm hoping for tonight just to get current stuff on the table. Will report back!

@InABetterPlaceNow what a relief that must be! IMO comms quieten down after seeing someone as you’ve sad all you have to say in person and then they ramp up mid week to ask on a date for the weekend. So maybe tell yourself not to start worrying till Thursdays :) And if he has DD on the weekend then even later! What did you sAy to him btw?

@VanGoghsDog oh that is annoying. So you’re spending it on your own? I might be too but feel depressed at the prospect. I’ll feel ok in a few days I’m sure; just gutted I’m having to isolate now as all feels quite lonely.

Hm the neighbour sitch is tricky. Pretty much everyone in a ten person party dropped out today ahead of tomorrow, but I’m in london where getting on public transport is not safe at all. Different to popping to your neighbours.

@StartingAgain33 So, my text to him was along the lines of ... I sense you're really busy at the moment so don't feel like you need to reply straight away. Just having a bit of a vent about (something mentioned earlier that was still going on) and hoped he had a good evening.

When he sent back about being at the panto, I said "Well now I feel like a bit of a dick 🥰❤️ Have the best evening!"

Yup. Just going to have to accept the fact that someone probably isn't going to run away just because we don't talk for a bit. Seriously new territory for me. Much adjustment needed.

oh that is annoying. So you’re spending it on your own? I might be too but feel depressed at the prospect. I’ll feel ok in a few days I’m sure; just gutted I’m having to isolate now as all feels quite lonely.

Yes, I had decided that before my sister pissed me off - but she is four hours away and I don't want to drive down there after work on Christmas Eve and then have to sleep in an open plan living room with a glass wall and no curtains. I'm 53 FFS! Also, my sister makes Christmas very stressy so I'd just rather not. But I did originally say I'd go down after Christmas so now she's pushing for a date and I no longer want to.
My mum will be with my brother from this week into NY, so she's sorted.

I decided months ago not to do gifts (and told everyone), so that has made life easier, though I've done a few and they are all out of the way now. I really don't want to have to buy loads more now. Ten days on my own actually sounds great - I don't suffer from loneliness really.
But I'd still rather not be forced to actually isolate and not even be able to go for a walk!

@InABetterPlaceNow have you told him any of your insecurities? I know there are often divided opinions on this, but I think it's healthy to share a bit of it and then he's got a chance to react accordingly. He'll need to be able to handle you wobbling - and if he can't, then he isn't the right person for you and I speak from some experience... All of this activates our insecurities and the right person will respond sensitively to that.

As for me, in my new dgaf approach I'm feeling liberated! An iron I've been chatting to for weeks, including very hot sexting, and we finally met last week. It wasn't quite reflected in real life, but then I made a suggestion which he followed up on and it's been very fun shall we say . I'll call him Mr Bat and we'll see, but idgaf particularly if it doesn't go anywhere! Was supposed to have a date zero last weekend but he disappeared 😂 probably for the best as I wasn't feeling it.

Really fed up with covid ruining plans now though

@VanGoghsDog good for you, I like your attitude :) Yeah it’s so annoying feeling like just because you’re single you have to go and sleep in a child’s bed / a room with no curtains / in your annoying sisters house just to not be alone on Christmas Day. It’s absolute madness actually. When would we do that on any other day?

I’ve just ordered a big bottle of vodka. I can at least have some zoom drinks or something with people. I don’t usually use alcohol to self medicate but f* it, got me through the last Christmas and was quite fun!

@InABetterPlaceNow hehe. Yes. His frequency of texting may be a bit less than yours sometimes but I bet there are times when he feels like fhst about you! Your message sounded totally fine btw.

@VanGoghsDog, I sense that you are at the point where you know that Mr WG is not forthcoming with what you need and there’s an inherent sadness/frustration that having found someone that you like(d) it’s just not going to work for you. I think for the time being ‘doing nothing’ is a legitimate response. Then in the New year you can review things. Meanwhile as difficult as it is I would try to find a way to make it patently clear to everyone that you won’t be taking up any offers for Christmas Day itself and you will see them hopefully soon. I think we have both been on the thread since before last Christmas, did you have the same issue then ?

I'll be on my own for most of Christmas day and onwards. But I can't wait! I did realise the other day that I won't actually have any presents to open though... Unless exdh gets his arse in gear for dd to buy me something, which is unlikely!

@VanGoghsDog

If it's just neighbours I'd cancel, put a note on the door to apologise, text the ones who have contacted you and "breathe"! If someone randomly knocks on the door and looks desperate get them a drink and open the windows?

I'm working through Xmas as it's not a big day for me and having some social time in January, so I'll probably be here typing shit if anyone wants to join me and drink and post please do.

hopefully there will be a big mental fighty AIBU thread like "my MIL has not tested and has parked outside the neighbours with the Waitrose delivery" so all us lonely souls can feel a bit smug

(season of goodwill to all men here, for sure )

@Misty9 He's well aware I think 😅 Not so much on me feeling insecure right now - I really do want to have a call with him to just talk through what my heads doing vs knowing what I think logically we are and some validation on that. I'm just weary as I've done that that a lot and shouldn't as it's early days. He's just so bloody brilliant at validating me while calling me on the really silly stuff. I worry he just likes the challenge and will dump me when im all secure. He says that's one of the silly things. He also says only time will tell. He's sensible. 😩

Ooooh good luck for Mr Bat!!!

@StartingAgain33 Thank you!! Yup I pre-warned him early on I may go awol at times. But currently I'm all needy etc after DTD and just need a bit of reassurance I think!! He took a long time to get me there (which he knows) - which meant it was brilliant - but bleh!

Another one here that's going to be alone on Christmas Day. Felt a bit sad about it last year but I got myself a bunch of M&S food in, cracked open the fizz early, and ended up having the most enjoyable Christmas I'd had in years. Same again this year with any luck!

I'll be joining you on the thread @SpringlikeBunk so keep me updated of any classics in the making on AIBU... Like you said, it's always good for a bit of schadenfreude!

[quote Onesmallstep67]@VanGoghsDog, I sense that you are at the point where you know that Mr WG is not forthcoming with what you need and there’s an inherent sadness/frustration that having found someone that you like(d) it’s just not going to work for you. I think for the time being ‘doing nothing’ is a legitimate response. Then in the New year you can review things. Meanwhile as difficult as it is I would try to find a way to make it patently clear to everyone that you won’t be taking up any offers for Christmas Day itself and you will see them hopefully soon. I think we have both been on the thread since before last Christmas, did you have the same issue then ?[/quote]
In theory, I am seeing the guy who has invited me for Christmas Day twice before Christmas itself, and I only saw him a week ago. I was hoping to tell him at the drinks on Friday, in front of other people so he couldn't be insistent back, and was going to prime a friend to stick up for me.

But yes, I need to pull myself together and find a way to tell them all. But I was very clear with MrStone, I said "no, why won't everyone just leave me alone!". Mind you, he has form for not listening too.

It wasn't an issue last year because of Covid. My sister had her kids (broke the rules) and tried to suggest I break the rules and go too but I just said no, rules. I had actually told her before that I wasn't going, before the rules changed, but she didn't hear me, and then luckily the rules were on my side. We had started to arrange to all go to mum's (she was widowed last year) but then my brother decided to go so we couldn't and mum prefers him (we don't get on with him) so she decided he could go (we didn't care, just didn't want her to be on her own for the first time ever) - but when the rules changed he really shouldn't have gone to her either, but he did.
My sister actually said this year "why do you prefer to be on your own, if you don't mind me asking" - I do mind, I just don't want to be with you (when I said I wasn't going to her I never said I was going to be on my own, I think she thinks I have no life).

Last year I invited the guy I had dated briefly in the summer, but had decide wasn't going to work so we were just friends, for a drink and a walk and he was angling for dinner for the weeks running up, but I stood firm, I gave him a thoughtful gift and I think from then he felt he was still in with a chance, so I definitely won't be making that mistake again.

I do feel sad (but not heart broken or anything) about MrWG, there are so many great things about him, comms is not one of them, and while we were not 100% compatible in bed, we could have worked on that with better comms and a chance to build up trust. But there we are, I knew it was coming.

Yeh @SuspiciousSushi having spent Xmas managing social politics at partners homes I can say firmly I am very happy doing it solo normally!

@VanGoghsDog agree avoiding pity invites from cunts is a challenge for single women at Xmas, please stand your ground.

This year I might walk to a church service as I like the singing, come on here for the craic, workout as that definitely helps my wellbeing... I tend to try all sorts of new food (probably spend too much) during the year so won't necessarily have anything special on the day.

Might go for a big walk somewhere pretty, I quite like saying "merry xmas" to all the random people.

That sounds fun @SuspiciousSushi! M&S is a great shout!

Haha I’m totally up for drunk thread chatting and also schadenfreude!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@VanGoghsDog

If it's just neighbours I'd cancel, put a note on the door to apologise, text the ones who have contacted you and "breathe"! If someone randomly knocks on the door and looks desperate get them a drink and open the windows?[/quote]
It isn't only neighbours, sorry, it's just I have invited all the neighbours.

It's also the twelve people from the walking group (all of whom I will, in theory, be with the following night too), another guy I know, someone else from the village and a couple of gig buddies (one of whom is the one asking me to go for Christmas day).

I'm going to decide tomorrow I think. I cancelled a trip to London tonight and working from London and dinner after tomorrow.

Sounds sad it didn't work out @VanGoghsDog but at least you "gave the connection a go" and gave it effort?

You liked him, you went for it, it didn't work out but you went for it and that's a good thing in itself?

Otherwise you'd always be wondering "what if" - I know I've made that mistake before (am mindful of not walking into that "avoidance trap" with the Hedgehog ).

Maybe in time you can resume friendship and just enjoy the company at face value, but I agree with @Onesmallstep67 that a break to put yourself first is good?

@SpringlikeBunk a walk somewhere sounds nice. I wonder where I could get to in London by foot. Probs just a park.

Gotta remember it’s not necessarily better with a partner, just different.