Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@StartingAgain33,
So, we had a good lunch, retired to bed for the afternoon, had great sex ( I thought it was great.. ), went out for evening meal, drinks etc, got back to Hotel room 10 ish, I thought we would just have a bit of a kiss and cuddle then sleep, but it seemed she was up for round 2, and I clearly mis read that.., so the laugh was certainly a “you don’t need those on ” moment
We also had round 3 in the morning, didn’t misread that one..

Thank you @StartingAgain33 and @SuspiciousSushi and others. I am glad I posted now as you have made me feel a lot better! To be honest I am glad he was upfront and didn’t just ghost me, and of course he has every right to end things if he didn’t want to continue. It just surprised me how much I took it to heart, which is a sign of my own unresolved issues I suspect.

@FabulousMrFifty that sounds like a brilliant date :) Well sounds like she also thought the sex was great if she wanted more!

@Torturingself12 hopefully your name will soon change to 'overit12'
Big grin: grin [gri

As expected, I'm struggling a bit. Please talk some sense into me so I don't screw this all up.

After Sat there was quite a bit of texting that evening. Then Sunday very little and today, very little.

I've just been focused on my own life etc and trying not to stress out too much about it. Which I know is all I can do. It's most likely a REALLY good sign in that he's comfortable enough to know where we are and doesn't feel the need to stay in constant contact. We haven't set up when we'll next see each other but it's (I assume?) a given. Though could be for few weeks down the line as this weekend will be his DDs weekend and then next weekend is the C word...

I think I'm just so used to being lovebombed, it's really strange to... not be. Even though I understand on a logic basis that lovebombing has nothing to do with interest or feelings, and instead about control, I'm just back in my uncomfortable space.

I know all I can do is recognise what I'm feeling, focus on the (many, many!) other things in my life and just see how things pan out. Just feeling a bit meh though 😔

@Torturingself12 - that's happened to me twice. The last time just a couple of months ago when it seemed to be going well... and then it seemed it wasn't. Agonised quite a bit for the first one but FFS seemed the appropriate reaction this time around. As the others say it's not uncommon and try not to take it to personally. 3 months seems to be a bit of a sticky time where you might or might not transition into something a bit more grounded. I believe the technical term is 3 month wonder. :-) I've come out of hibernation in the last week or so and got a couple of new irons, Miss Snickers and Miss Hat.

Bloody hell, saw Sinitta on Hinge. Unless it was a scam. We haven't matched yet, not sure why ....

@Torturingself12 I agree with the others - it's happened to very many of us here, and even your reaction of taking it the way you have is very normal I think. It's never a nice thing, but just think about times when it might be you deciding not to see someone again and it's never really about fancying them or not - if you didn't fancy them you wouldn't sleep with them repeatedly. It's very often about life feeling too stressful, or someone else coming back on the scene, or them just not being prepared for whatever reason to get more embroiled in something - often this can be fear of hurting the other person or of just feeling like it's run its course.

@StartingAgain33 thanks, it was a great weekend but yes, the anxiety (and sense of comedown in part) is there today. I feel utterly exhausted. I also sent a flirty text this morning and got a reply back but saying something along the lines of 'it was a fun weekend, I'm being very sensible today, let's chat later' and of course that set off my monkey 'nothing's ever good enough' brain with all sorts of angsting over why he hasn't been MORE ENTHUSIASTIC. I'm just tired I think. I've got loads of other stuff on (renovations, children's birthdays, work, for starters) and also realise per earlier posts I'm just not getting out enough to do healthy self-care things.

I'm not surprised you're feeling a bit meh about having to isolate for 10 days when you want to see Mr Story, especially when things are much better face to face than via text. Can you schedule some video calls?

@InABetterPlaceNow - it's very hard when you are used to lovebombing - I feel the same when confronted with someone with their own life and normal boundaries. For me it's about accepting I can't control the outcome and can't demand any certainty, and trying to lean into that...

I'd be feeling a tad twitchy too @InABetterPlaceNow I think it's quite common to feel a bit vulnerable after dtd as worries about ghosting set in. It doesn't sound like he was only in it for that but stranger things have happened- if you're still being quite open/frank I'd be inclined to mention it.

@InABetterPlaceNow
I don’t think you have anything to worry about as long as the communication lines stay open and ticking along

Thank you @ibelieveinmirrorballs ! I know it's likely a really good sign. It also gives me space to do inner work, like the thoughts that say "Wait, this guy is probably quite stable - crap, I don't deserve that!" which can gtfo.

The facts it's all OK - that he's planning on introducing me to his friends as a next step at some point, we've discussed (in very vague terms) at what point / how introducing our kids to each other work work (waaay down the line), and he did say that he was very, very happy to be exclusive after Sat 😅

He also HAS been in touch, just nothing OTT. Just touch bases.

@Heartbeats0708 I'm glad it's not just me! And it was a huge deal for me. He was a true gent (which makes it worse because stable!! Do I deserve?!). I'm going to play it cool for now as we've had far too many heavy chats before, but if he ghosts me then I'll need to seriously reassess my radar (again). I'll be really annoyed. Not heartbroken though, so I guess that's good!

@FabulousMrFifty Thank you! I'll just chill the heck out and wait to see how things go.

@InABetterPlaceNow
If he is very, very happy to be exclusive, that’s all cool, as is touching base.

@RayoftheTriffids. Sinitta eh ? Fancy!, I once saw Martin Clunes in Waitrose, didn’t ask him for a date, maybe I should have?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs sorry to hear you’ve got a bit of an after date comedown. I think sometimes after an intense weekend the week after can feel scary because there’s less intensity and your positive feelings about them are heightened, as is vulnerability! It sounds like his text was fine, and the monkey mind is playing you. Hopefully you’ll get plans to see eachother again soon which will make you feel reassured. (With mr story he is less than a planner than I am so always bought up seeing eachother later than I would like which sent me into a weekly tailspin!)

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Just a little to note to say I didn't comment on your situation as in my current space I clearly have nothing useful to add 😅 So just ❤️

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@InABetterPlaceNow
If he is very, very happy to be exclusive, that’s all cool, as is touching base.

@RayoftheTriffids. Sinitta eh ? Fancy!, I once saw Martin Clunes in Waitrose, didn’t ask him for a date, maybe I should have?[/quote]
He lives near my sister, often seen in the local Waitrose.

I don't know what a Sinitta is!

@VanGoghsDog Neither do I!

I feel out of the celeb loop. I stalked met Derren Brown once after a signing? Whhhhy is he gay? (Hello, usually attracted to the unavailable ones...)

Side note to say I know just how absolutely ridiculous I'm (hopefully) being. Talked to my "like a dad" / bestest friend this morning about it.

His comment was "So... you have a problem... that he's being a proper grown up?".

Yes. Yes I do. 🤣😂

@InABetterPlaceNow there’s so many good signs there! It sounds like the monkey mind might be jumping to conclusions. Have you got plans to see eachother again? How long have you been dating now?

I’m also feeling anxious about mr story even though he’s been in touch loads.

I don’t think the covid situation plus Christmas is helping. The prospect of spending the season abs New Years pretty much alone is horrible. I feel jealous of my siblings with their families and wish I had my own family a lot at this time of year. So having a partner becomes so much more of a big deal.

Well, MrWG has not been in contact at all since 3rd, when I sent him my schedule for Dec and asked him to try and find a time we could meet up, he said he'd look at his diary but it was busy too.

Although he texted last, as he said he was going to look at his diary, I think the ball was in his court. So I left it, and he's not contacted me at all.
And, I'm done.
Ten days of no contact with someone you've spent time with, had intimacy etc, is at best rude. But totally disrespectful. Pretty much ghosting I guess.

I've not blocked him or said anything, I'm interested to see what he does next. (I don't think if I blocked him he would realise., he'd just assume I was ignoring him if he messaged me, he doesn't really understand WhatsApp and the ticks etc).
It is tricky when I know him from RL and we have mutual friends etc.

On a different note, he's upset a friend of mine (who he already knew too) and while I know she is hard work and they had a bit of a scratchy time, he's been pretty mean to her and I've had to help her deal with the fallout of that, she was very upset which in turn upset me. I don't know if this impacted on his contact with me at all.

I've got three parties this week - a client one Thu (afternoon training/team building, party and overnight), my own drinks Fri (about 20 people) and hobby group meal out Sat. And I'm starting to feel really anxious about them with the new variant, keep reading horror stories.

I've had a couple of people ask if I'm going to cancel mine. I'm now sure people will start making their own decisions and I'll be left with two people and 72 sausage rolls, 6 bottles of merlot and two dozen cans of lager......
Urgh - don't know what to do! Need to cancel Sainsbury order by 5pm tomorrow if I'm not going ahead (or, amend it to 7 ready meals for one.....).

[quote StartingAgain33]@InABetterPlaceNow there’s so many good signs there! It sounds like the monkey mind might be jumping to conclusions. Have you got plans to see eachother again? How long have you been dating now?

I’m also feeling anxious about mr story even though he’s been in touch loads.

I don’t think the covid situation plus Christmas is helping. The prospect of spending the season abs New Years pretty much alone is horrible. I feel jealous of my siblings with their families and wish I had my own family a lot at this time of year. So having a partner becomes so much more of a big deal.[/quote]
I think there is! Only about 5 weeks but it's been oddly front loaded in that we met 5 months ago when life then got tricky for me but we stayed in touch then gradually ramped up to meeting again. Him irl is even better than text (though his texts were what drew me in! I'm a Texter through and through).

I think the things that are bugging me are that we haven't planned to meet again. But I also think that might be turning a bit more organic / we're coming up to a busy period. So massive abandonment issues coming into play that if I don't keep him interested then after Xmas / New Year he won't be there.

I think I'd be sad but not devastated if that was the case. I'd just rather know now. I also really, really want to have a repeat of Sat (because I seriously overthought that and spent all of Sun having to talk myself down from asking him if he wanted a repeat 😂🤣😂).

He is off though. My hyper vigilant brain can see that. I'm hoping it's because he's IRL busy rather than me doing something wrong so have sent a final (gently worded) message to understand it. Might break things but I am what I am right now. If that means I'm not ready for a relationship, that's OK.

@VanGoghsDog I'll come help you with the Merlot (and lager and sausage rolls 😂). There's so much uncertainty right now, it's really hard.

I couldn't deal with that from MrWG. I'm sorry he's done that. If I REALLY liked him I might say "My calendar is bow booked up until Jan, want to set a date?" but I'd be internally moving on 😔

Really sorry to hear that @VanGoghsDog poor behaviour from Mr WG, both the lack of contact and treating your mutual friend poorly. Unsure which way to advise re parties- things are changing so quickly every day. Hope you can enjoy the other planned festivities if you decide not to go ahead

@VanGoghsDog, I would feel pretty frustrated by Mr WG if I were in your shoes. I just can’t seem to get my head around how busy someone has to be that they can’t find 10 minutes for a quick catch up. Or 30 seconds to send a text, even if it’s to say that it’s not looking promising for a meet up as he’s super busy. I think you have 2 choices- not play any games and just send him a text or call and take the initiative yourself or wait it out and see what contact you get before or over Christmas.
I can’t really help you much with deciding what to do re : your drinks party apart from asking for everyone to give you their current thoughts and whether they are still on for coming over or not. Bloody Covid I really hope it doesn’t ruin everyone’s plans again this year.

@VanGoghsDog - Sinitta was Simon Cowell's first protege accordiing to Wiki. So macho ring any bells? Dreadful song from the 80s. According to Wiki she was lying about her age on Hinge. Tut tut.

Meh. Sorry to hear about Ms WG. I can understand why folks do this half ghosting but don't know why they think folks won't be upset. Worse if you know them IRL. Ms DualFudge at least had the decency to message me after a week so say she wasn't feeling it any more. (Coincidentally also turned out she'd lobbed 5 years off her age. As far as Omicron goes pays to be wary I think. I wouldn't be having anything more than a small gathering and well ventilated at that.

@FabulousMrFifty Martin Clunes eh? An evening with Doc Martin. Dreamy.

I agree that’s the right decision @VanGoghsDog. That is rude if you’ve been intimate. Why can’t he just say what he’s thinking?

On the party thing, hard to know what to do. I’ve just had a Xmas party cancelled tomorrow, and I was at one on Saturday where someone had covid ad we’re all self isolating now.