Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@ibelieveinmirrorballs sounds like a perfect date! It’s hard to enjoy it for what it is and not analyse isn’t it, but it sounds like it’s right for you both just now.

Hear you on the being cooked for thing. MrBeard cooked for me from scratch at the weekend and it felt like a revelation as my ex’s idea of cooking was putting a pizza in the oven. He was big on buying lots of fancy equipment though, which he would use once and then sat around gathering dust and getting in my way. And most of it is still here!

[quote Stayingstrongish]@backonthedatingtrain were you wanting tips for the initial messages or more for the face-to-face dates?[/quote]
thank you for your reply. Yes as I really struggle on what to say or ask without sounding boring.

@backonthedatingtrain Those initial conversations can be difficult. If you're not careful they go in the dreaded loop of "what are your plans this weekend?", "how's your weekend going?", "how was your weekend?" and repeat ad infinitum!

I've always found those I've had the best in person chemistry with, the initial messages just seemed to flow instantly right from the off. I'm a naturally chatty person so I always make sure I end every message with a question or something for the other party to pick up on, and I'm naturally more attracted to those that do the same. I'm pretty ruthless when it comes to unmatching anyone where the chat is stale for want of a better word after a few back and forths.

See if there's anything on their profile you can refer to. I know on Tinder may have quite sparse bios but there is the option for people to add their Spotify favourites and 'passions' (shudder). These can be good starting points. Otherwise, just go in with a blanket "hey, how's your day going?" and see what type of response you get back.

Essentially what I'm saying is try not to overthink it; it should come easy when you mesh with someone

Hello all! I’ve been following this thread for a while and there are many wise voices here. I was wondering if anyone has any advice on getting over OLD rejection as I am really struggling I met someone a couple of months ago, lots of dates, all seemed to be going really well… then yesterday he ended it citing ‘no romantic spark’. He was lovely and polite, said I was a lovely person and he really enjoyed my company- so the only conclusion I can draw is he just didn’t fancy me! But then we slept together several times so presumably he must have found me attractive at first? Im torturing myself about what I must have done to put him off I didnt have the best self esteem to start with and now this is all I can think about

@Isitreallyme177 I guess my only reservation here is you did stuff with Mr Cricket despite him having a girlfriend, plus you said the same with Mr Computer Geek who was still entwined in his dramas. No judgement here but dont you think you deserve to be more to someone. I just think Mr Cricket is subtly playing you to get what he wants from all the women.

@Torturingself12 I hate your nickname! This guy probably did fancy you but maybe didn't see it going anywhere long term. Don't let it consume you as plenty have an attraction but can't see it progressing.

Mr Music met my friends last night and was a great addition. He's here now till tomorrow. No sex but pretty much loads else. Definitely smitten with each other and dare I say it, blissfully happy.

Thanks @Eesha. I’m turning it over and over in my mind! I’ve come out of a long sexless marriage and so have had years of feeling utterly ugly and unattractive so this has really knocked me. Perhaps I should give up on OLD and stay single.

It sounds like you have found a good one! It sounds great

@JustThisLastLittleBit
I’ve been pondering all morning, I think it’s all about communication styles. I’m quite “reserved” with my thoughts and tend to self filter, whereas she seems to have no self editing mechanism, what she thinks just comes out of her gob, which is quite different to how I communicate, so I it just caught me off guard

@Torturingself12
Sorry to hear that, it won’t be anything you have done to put him off, sounds like he just wasn’t feeling it, sorry.

@Isitreallyme177 that he doesn't know what his 'relationship' is as they have actually not talked about it at all, he doesn't know if she is seeing other people or whether they're exclusive, and it's long distance so he doesn't know if he can handle that as he needs something steady and reliable

So he doesn't know what he has with this lady but clearly liked her enough to take her on holiday....sounds like he gave you what you wanted to hear so you would go to bed with him.
I'd like to know what his 'girlfriend' thinks they are.

@FabulousMrFifty I'm with you, I've been brought up to be polite so wouldn't have guffawed unless they were comedy underwear such as those pouches you can get with an elephant trunk etc.
I think its hard not to see it as her laughing at you, I do think it was more in the 'what the heck are you wearing those for when I'm just here for the sex' laugh.

@backonthedatingtrain Hello and welcome

@Torturingself12 also hello and welcome, it's not you it's him as @Eesha said don't let it consume you

Eesha have a great time today, please it went well for you last night

@Torturingself12 There could be hundreds of reasons he doesn't want to see you again and us surmising won't help.
Try to reframe it as you had a great time for a few months and you're back in the saddle now.

I had low self esteem when I left my husband and did the whole casual sex thing and it built up my self esteem but then I don't let emotions come in to sex and can keep them seperate.

If you're self esteem is low can you have some counselling to help?
OLD is harsh and not for the faint hearted, you need tough skin to do it.

@Eesha sounds marvellous, I’m so pleased 😃

@Eesha Glad you're having a good time with Mr Music, how terribly restrained to do lots but not full sex😱😂

Thanks @SortingItOut that is good advice. I think I do need to explore counselling. This shouldn’t have knocked me so much, I just keep thinking there is something wrong with me, when perhaps I am looking at it in the wrong way. Online dating really does seem brutal!!

[quote SortingItOut]@Eesha Glad you're having a good time with Mr Music, how terribly restrained to do lots but not full sex😱😂[/quote]
@SortingItOut
not full sex ........ does that mean there's half and quarter sex too

@Torturingself12 what is life like outside of OLD?
Do you have friends and hobbies?
You need to create the best life you can so that any man enhances your life rather than is your life.

I'm with Mr K (2yrs and counting) and if things end I'd be a bit sad but I'd look back and remember what a great time we had.
My life wouldn't change much because we're both very independent and do our own things so apart from freeing up an evening or two nothing else changes.

Could you start the positivity with changing your username on here?
I know you're torturing yourself wondering about 'what if' but you are better than this😊

@StartingAgain6369 There is indeed😂
A bit like at school when you have first base, second base and so on😂

[quote SortingItOut]@Torturingself12 what is life like outside of OLD?
Do you have friends and hobbies?
You need to create the best life you can so that any man enhances your life rather than is your life.

I'm with Mr K (2yrs and counting) and if things end I'd be a bit sad but I'd look back and remember what a great time we had.
My life wouldn't change much because we're both very independent and do our own things so apart from freeing up an evening or two nothing else changes.

Could you start the positivity with changing your username on here?
I know you're torturing yourself wondering about 'what if' but you are better than this😊[/quote]
This is such good advice and advice I need to take. I am trying to channel all spare energy into everything other than thoughts of dating. Friends, other commitments, career, exercise, hobbies.

@StartingAgain6369 @SortingItOut this kinda means everything under the sun aside from going in for the kill. It's all fun but we are just enjoying the time together.

@SortingItOut
“Elephant Trunks”, well not deliberately, maybe it was how I looked in the light…

everything under the sun aside from going in for the kill
have I been doing sex wrong all these years?

In other news, was planning to back to Norfolk soon, but looks like most of it will be the sea soon

Mundesley: 'I'm very nervous about any further cliff falls' www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-59608066

[quote SortingItOut]@Torturingself12 what is life like outside of OLD?
Do you have friends and hobbies?
You need to create the best life you can so that any man enhances your life rather than is your life.

I'm with Mr K (2yrs and counting) and if things end I'd be a bit sad but I'd look back and remember what a great time we had.
My life wouldn't change much because we're both very independent and do our own things so apart from freeing up an evening or two nothing else changes.

Could you start the positivity with changing your username on here?
I know you're torturing yourself wondering about 'what if' but you are better than this😊[/quote]
I agree this is good advice, thank you! Life is pretty rubbish to be honest at the moment, I have moved to a new area so am pretty lonely and I guess I was hoping dating would be a bit of ‘fun’ to cheer me up. It hasn’t worked out that way I will work on building my life up a bit more I think.

Hi all, sorry for radio silence - been a busy few days and there are ten pages to catch up on in the meantime!!

@Eesha that sounds great re Mr Music :) Remind me how long you've been seeing eachother again?

I was due to see Mr Story this week after he's mostly been away for a month but someone i was in contact with on Saturday has tested positive for covid! Officially I don't have to self isolate if I have a negative lateral flow test, but it also advises you to stay away from people outside of your household if you can which is very confusing. I feel like we're losing momentum and we're both feeling pretty frustrated at the idea of potentially not seeing eachother for ten days :(

Also, I don't find our chats on the phone particularly stimulating which wouldn't be an issue if we could see eachother but when it's all I have I feel I'm going off him a bit, which I know is probably silly.

I really hope I don't get it as that would extend the ten day period!

My adhd self is feeling very impatient and like maybe this just isn't meant to be, but I know that cutting and running would be very short term thinking and that the phone thing doesn't really matter (does it???)

@Torturingself12 I agree it's horrible when someone ends things when you've slept together, but as he did that a few times I very much doubt it was to do with physical attraction. Sometimes it just takes people a while to sort out their feelings and he did the right thing by ending it early. Sad so close to christmas though, and people are right - if you can fill your life more you'll feel these things a little less (although I don't think it's realistic to say it will ever not sting a bit)

@FabulousMrFifty sorry just catching up - how did she laugh? I am on the 'you don't need those' camp. And how did it come about that you were in pyjama shorts? Were you getting into bed with her but not in a sexual way?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs that sounds like an amazing weekend! bless you for welling up, I can totally see why that feel emotional. I don't think I've had anyone cook for me for a very very long time either and would probs find it hard not to step in! Also dancing in your underwear - sounds like you can have loads of fun together! I can't imagine dancing in my underwear with anybody but then I'm probs more awkward than you!!

@SpringlikeBunk glad the 'certainty seekers' catchphrase has stuck! I think that's a really good idea about being a vaccinator instead of moaning about not being able to go on dates etc. I'm becoming increasinly mr-story focused the more I can't see him (it's been a month now I think with him away and now covid crap), but I'm going to have to accept it may be a while yet and find ways to keep myself happy and amused... I'll check out volunteering opps.

@Torturingself12 You've already had loads of great advice on this, but I just want to say, please please don't torture yourself about this anymore. I'd guess this has happened to many of us on this thread in the past (it's certainly happened to me, quite recently in fact).

Unfortunately some men really are just looking to rack up the numbers and tick you off a list. It's no reflection on you, your worth, or your value at all. Their shitty behaviour is on them. Don't give it another moments thought