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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

988 replies

WeWantTheFinestWines · 08/12/2021 14:39

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
SpringlikeBunk · 12/12/2021 21:48

Yeh @FabulousMrFifty if this is the iron who has quite a high drive, like @InABetterPlaceNow please remember you can say "no" if you want.

Joking aside, everyone should feel free to have body autonomy and just chill out if they want to and wear what they want and get to sleep when they want? (male or female).

If you want to get ready for bed and sleep then just say so (nicely and politely), it shouldn't ruin the night?

You're meant to be making a human connection not auditioning for a porn film.

Even if you've agreed to meet for a "casual/hookup" meet you can change your mind at ANY time, there should never be any pressure for anyone.

That's one of the reasons I've withdrawn from casual dating and am screening out highly sexed irons - some of the guys seem to have very wrong views on consent and it's too much hassle?

InABetterPlaceNow · 12/12/2021 21:57

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Just want to say ❤️❤️❤️ to everyone and thank you for yesterday and today.

Hopefully I'll get better and be able to go on dates again soon 😘😘

I have absolutely no doubt things will get better for you and you'll get back out there! ❤️❤️❤️
Stayingstrongish · 12/12/2021 21:58

@backonthedatingtrain were you wanting tips for the initial messages or more for the face-to-face dates?

VanGoghsDog · 12/12/2021 22:01

@FabulousMrFifty

So a question for the ladies,

If your noticed your partner wearing something in bed, let’s just pretend it’s a pair of PJ shorts, would you guffaw with laughter or just hop in ?

Eh?

If I found it funny I suppose I might laugh but I can't imagine anyone wearing anything I'd find funny. I tell MrWG to take off his PJs because I didn't want him dressed in bed.

Though, to be fair, I don't think I have guffawed in my life. Nor hopped into bed, now I think of it.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 12/12/2021 22:06

@InABetterPlaceNow 😘😘

SpringlikeBunk · 12/12/2021 22:08

fuck off @Omicrom Sad

VanGoghsDog · 12/12/2021 22:12

@SpringlikeBunk

fuck off *@Omicrom* Sad
You OK?
SpringlikeBunk · 12/12/2021 22:14

Lots of disruption @VanGoghsDog if we're locked down again, I have stuff booked, vulnerable person close to me (who wants human contact though?)...

FabulousMrFifty · 12/12/2021 22:14

@SpringlikeBunk yep, this is the one..

I would have really concerned if she had continued laughing after I’d taken ‘em off….

SpringlikeBunk · 12/12/2021 22:16

I'm checking booster walk-ins but expect they'll take a few days to come through.

(rather selfishly of course this might mean no reunion with MrHedgehog if he stays away).

SpringlikeBunk · 12/12/2021 22:39

Oh MrHedgehog is back.

I mentioned more contact would be good as I didn't know what was happening with scheduling, and got a profuse apology and also he has ticked that box over the last week (albeit in a fairly boring fashion). Practical and reliable! Just hope we're not Omicronned in now.

jugglingjobs · 12/12/2021 22:42

Ok, i'm glad I asked your opinion as it did seem weird as seems like he is out of contact alot, but I haven't even met him yet, so maybe he is just busy.

I haven't replied tonight, maybe I will see if he messages tomorrow and take it from there. I'm sure if he isn't single I will find out quick enough anyway.

@FabulousMrFifty I don't see anything wrong with wearing pj's, was she laughing at you? Or maybe just laughing because she had said you wont be needing them and was giggling about it?

FabulousMrFifty · 12/12/2021 23:29

@jugglingjobs
How are you communicating, if it’s still via a dating app, then I did find that slow, but if it’s text / WhatsApp, then that’s not really very good, no one is that busy

As for the PJ comment, I think I go with with the “you won’t be needing those “ , version 😊

SpringlikeBunk · 12/12/2021 23:43

Got a "word-salad" about travel arrangements - as expected MrHedgehog has now to decide whether or not to go to Germany/being stuck on one place ASAP as well as being responsible for Omicron adjustments at his workplace.

I'll just focus on my stuff for now.

Having a go at being a vaccinator (as don't mind working weird anti-social hours over Xmas) and expect the "first wave" of NHS supporters are exhausted but dunno if I'll get in or if I can be trained up to be useful in time.

unhappyteacher · 13/12/2021 00:35

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@unhappyteacher

Welcome, is it apps or OD you're using to meet people? What are your profile and photos like? I'm just wondering if there is something basic and superficial that could be initially tweaked so you get more connections.

(please don't feel bad about not getting dates, much better to have things quite sporadic than meet nutters!)[/quote]
@SpringlikeBunk I'm just using Hinge at the moment, my last two dates have been from there. In the past I've used Tinder and way back in the day I used POF.

I think my profile is ok but I could probably revise some of my responses to the prompts. My pictures are good, varied, not filtered so very much what you see is what you get.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 13/12/2021 00:35

[quote FabulousMrFifty]**@jugglingjobs
How are you communicating, if it’s still via a dating app, then I did find that slow, but if it’s text / WhatsApp, then that’s not really very good, no one is that busy

As for the PJ comment, I think I go with with the “you won’t be needing those “ , version 😊[/quote]
@jugglingjobs I second this. You don't want to end up in a situation like mine ❤️

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 13/12/2021 00:38

@jugglingjobs with the WhatsApping and messaging I mean.

Mr Gambit backed out of meeting me and I suspect he will never want to. He also can't talk much because he's 'prepping' I don't want you to go though that too ❤️

Shayelle2009 · 13/12/2021 06:47

@FabulousMrFifty it’s obviously something that’s stung you a bit … do you think you might be being a bit sensitive or do you think she was being a bit bitchy? How does she make you feel more generally…. I tend to see how people make me feel, rather than words.. hope you're ok though?

Ahh @SpringlikeBunk he is still there… frustrating though if hes not suggesting any meets? Does he think youre going to be the one suggesting things all the time? Maybe spell it out to him and say that if he would like to see you you’re going to let him make the next plan? Lovely idea to be a covid volunteer x

SpringlikeBunk · 13/12/2021 07:10

@Shayelle2009

I’m just going to play it straight I think - be available/clear that I want to see him but also I can see the bigger picture if he doesn’t have time?

I’ve got enough on my plate to do in terms of nice Xmas activities to look forward to

(if the Om doesn’t screw things up, and if it does I’ll woman up a bit and see if I can offer service rather than moaning I can’t get a latte or shopping or a perfect dinner date! 😂😬).

It actually felt a bit bad meeting MrTesco last week - as in I was using someone else as a tool for attention to get over MrHedgehog?

When “whatever it is I’ve got” with MrHedgehog is continuing, he’s making contact, I’m being one of the “certainty seekers” trying to predict/control how things will pan out!

SpringlikeBunk · 13/12/2021 07:19

@unhappyteacher

I think a few of us mentioned we found Hinge was really “hard to use” in our demographic?

I normally do ok for numbers (late twenties thirties no children guys) but I hardly had anything from Hinge.

The profiles look great, like “Instagram-worthy” great, but not much contact/action. So I don’t think it’s your prompts.

Maybe try mixing it up a bit with apps and sites. Okcupid always seemed busy as well as the main ones Tinder and Bumble.

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 13/12/2021 07:46

Hear you on the Omicron rant @SpringlikeBunk - just about had enough of this pandemic.

@FabulousMrFifty glad you had a good weekend, notwithstanding the snigger incident!

@jugglingjobs wanted to comment on your dilemma - please don't accept shoddy behaviour from someone thinking that they're the only person you like the look of on the apps - we can't come at OLD from a sense of scarcity - it won't end well! If someone is behaving badly/inconsistently now, imagine what they'd be like a few months down the line! It sounds highly suspicious to me - just think how YOU would correspond to someone if you'd forgotten your phone and had made an arrangement to meet but then not been able to be in touch - a normal kind person would be very apologetic and hastily want to rearrange and reassure that it was a one off. If you're not getting that level of reaction to his having 'forgotten his phone', then I would delete and move on.

I'm back from my weekend with Mr Mixtape - third date, although each one has been 24hr plus Blush Grin and again we had a superb time. He cooked incredible food all weekend, we hiked, we had amazing sex, the scenery was brilliant, we danced round in our underwear. I also had the conversation about 'where we're at' and feel happy with what was said - for now. It is too early to be wanting to label things too much, but I wanted to be clear on exclusivity. I don't think either of us want to live with another person, AND he lives 2 hours away. For now we're having the fun/adventure/sex that we both said we were looking for and agreed we were happy to continue getting to know each other. Now I have to keep my anxiety in check and just try to accept that I had a good weekend and not pick over it like some sort of obsessive misery-vulture Hmm

As an aside, I'm feeling very aware that I've got so much trauma to process from basically having had a lifetime of shit relationships (most specifically, my marriage which was toxic and abusive from start to finish including a 7 year legal process post-separation through to post-divorce) that I have got to find a really good therapist to talk it through. I realise I just am not used to a man being normal. On Friday as Mr Mixtape was happily cooking in the kitchen, calmly and without fuss or resentment, I found myself welling up watching him. Regardless of what happens between us, he is someone who doesn't criticise, tut, get resentful at being asked to do things, isn't a seething mass of anger beneath the surface, and who just shows up and contributes like a normal human being. In the ten years of my marriage, I don't think my husband ONCE cooked for me, not once.

Heartbeats0708 · 13/12/2021 08:10

Great update @ibelieveinmirrorballs so glad you had such a good weekend. Mr mixtape sounds like a good one. I totally relate to the emotions when someone is doing something for you that you're not used to, or in a way that shows they genuinely care. It's a mixed one, I feel so cherished with Mr D yet a bit ashamed of my former self for tolerating such shitty behaviour in the past.

StartingAgain6369 · 13/12/2021 09:26

Lovely update @ibelieveinmirrorballs he sounds like a gent, I wouldn't let the 2 hour distance become an issue, enjoy each others company, take it steady and these things tend to resolve themselves

I'm WFH today, should be in the office but DD2 isn't well, it's not the C word, tests are clear. Stuck my head around the bedroom door just gone 7am and got various snappy grunts so left her in bed and messaged school.

FabulousMrFifty · 13/12/2021 09:43

@Shayelle2009
I don’t know why it’s bothering me, even now, I should be working, and here I am on the internet, just felt so unnecessary somehow

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
I’m kinda in the same boat, Ms Wales is over 3 hrs away, and I might not be seeing her until the new year now, tricky.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 13/12/2021 10:00

@FabulousMrFifty it’s your gut that’s bothering you here I’m afraid. Did you ask her why she guffawed? Do you fear there is a lack of respect? It sounds like for her it was a case of ‘get em off!’ but for you it has really twanged a nerve. Can you unpack it further (forgive the innuendo)?

Keeping fingers crossed that my fuckwit XH actually makes it to the airport, onto the plane, through immigration and to his hostel in the US! I’m on tenterhooks that he’ll fuck it up and my poor DDs will be stuck with him for Christmas. Like you @Heartbeats0708 I feel ashamed to have been with him at all, and to have sentenced my darlings to a lifetime of having him as a father 😢. Tough day today.