Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

It all sounds really odd. He must like you if you stayed at his house for days. I sense some regret / fear on his part. Perhaps professional consequences.

But you've done nothing wrong. The texts were not cringy for someone who invited you to stay at his home.

It's a bit shit of him, but as a Manager he's more in the wrong than you, so you have nothing to worry about work wise I would say, other than having perhaps lost a close relationship.

@whatdoidonow11

I do not want to go to HR! How sad and pathetic would that be!!

Well, that's good OP.

Just ignore him. You had a nice few days and there will be other days with other people, some of whom will be kinder to you and one of which may lead to a future.

Put it behind you.

You don't need an explanation from him. He's already told you, very clearly, how he feels. He's not interested in you. All the stuff about holding each other and eating together didn't mean anything to him. To quote an old Mumsnet saying... When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He's behaved badly but there's nothing you can do about it now other than to learn from it and move on.

Take the high ground. Don't mention it to him or anyone else. Just carry on as normal. When you talk to him about work stuff, be polite, professional, smiling... don't give any indication that you're bothered. Eventually you'll be less mortified and you'll be able to file it under "Oops, not to be repeated"

Oh... and please be prepared for him to come wheedling back for another shag. It's inevitable. When he does, make it clear it will not happen again.
You've got too much self-respect to allow yourself to be treated this way, right?

Continue to work with him in a professional capacity and never refer to it again. Act like it never happened (which is what he's done). Delete all unprofessional messages and never let yourself contact him about anything other than work again.

I'm sorry you've been hurt. He's acted like a complete bellend! As a human he 'owed you better' than treating you like this, the first 'rejection' hurts a lot when you've been through a divorce. Maybe he's feeling guilty about it too, hoping he can get his wife back. Who knows, but he has been a test.

Don't go back to your old job.

Give this job some time, treat him like any other manager (who you don't find attractive!!) & see how things go. Either he'll get a new job, you'll decide you can work ok there or you can look for a new job.

Feeling embarsssed is normal, but you'll get over it. Be thankful it's only 2 days a week!!

You'll be fine!

@Sunnysideup999

Report him to HR. He’s in a position of power and influence and he has behaved disgracefully

Aye she should do that. That'll be really effective

They're adults who had consensual sex.

I think it sounds a bit premature to suggest it 'going somewhere.' I'm not sure why people do that actually, I wouldn't ghost you but it'd certainly scare me off tbh.

If he's only in two days a week I'd say try and hack it? Might be a bit awks but I agree with other posters saying to just act normal

What's the time line here?

You go back to his and have sex when?
You stay how long?
He asks you to give him some space to focus on his interview how long ago?
The interview was/is when?

I think I see what you're getting at and I feel like the idea of "revenge" might come into it. I agree that you both dating, particularly him, was wrong, although I don't think it's actually too dramatic. What is a major problem though, in all contexts, is the ghosting. Everyone saying things like "oh this happens" is absolutely shocking. Ghosting in my opinion is extremely abusive behaviour, and him actually knowing her in real life is what I think is legitimately sociopathic behaviour. There is simply no excuse for it under any circumstances from anyone, but particularly when you know someone in real life. Since you personally don't want to get into trouble I don't know what to say to you because I personally would report him. Call it revenge, call it whatever. But anyone who simply pretends someone no longer exists, or worse, only acknowledges part of them exists, knowing that they have to be in communication, is serious scum and is dangerous. He may only be dangerous to people's mental health, but still. You being advised to move job is exactly the problem his ghosting caused. Break ups or people wanting different thing can be dealt with. I would strongly urge any woman and indeed person of any gender, to address ghosters and make sure that they know they are abusers.

I am also certain that if you did report him he would be seen for as I said, the psychopath that he is. And it is not so much the behaviour beforehand, but afterwards. And the fact you have had sex makes it so much worse. So the overwhelming conclusion is that your boss used you for sex, and that's somehow okay? Its not. Adults do things they are not supposed to like date who they shouldn't and that's fine. But the line is crossed when you do something you shouldn't like totally ignore a living human being as if they do not exist or what happened did not happen.
Personally? And especially if you are opting not to report him and want some power back? Some respect or self respect back (but it's not your fault he took it). I would text him something like "I see you've ghosted me. Just so you know, that is abusive behaviour that can have a serious effect on people. If you choose not to respond to me to give me information and closure then I'll have no choice but to report your disturbing behaviour and personality to higher management". I can almost guarantee that this will work. And most likely he will reply pretending he was busy and fully intended to reply to you. Hopefully then you can get some closure, maybe even some honesty and make sure to tell him "don't ever do this to anyone again, and particularly a co-worker, particularly one working under you". Go for it. Destroy him one way or the other. Please report back on what happens. Given the way you have described it and the fact he was so bold to do this, it is very possible that he is a predator and if you are willing to take the risk I would 100% report him in that vein. Just emphasise that it is the ghosting and the pathological / disturbing personality element that has caused you to do this. I don't even think it's relevant about who is vulnerable or why or who's fault it is or whatever. As I said in my opinion, ghosting is as bad if not worse than a literal slap in the face. Most definitely after sex. Even generally it is just abhorrent and can and does cause major trust issues, insecurity etc. But rest assured OP, the problem, even if you did anything "wrong" or he didn't like your body even (most certainly not the case), the problem is HIM. Nobody should ever make someone feel like this, most definitely not a boss. All he needed to do was say anything, literally. But something like "on second thoughts this isn't a good idea", "I got caught up", "we want different things" and kept it polite.
Do not feel ashamed or that you did wrong or even got caught up by texting him your feelings and that you wanted more. As everyone else has said, this became like any other dating situation and people think it is the same. The only difference is you have been intentionally put in an awkward at best, abusive at worst situation, and you have insight into his cruel behaviour both personally and as a manager. Feel free to PM me

Not the first, eon’t be the last.

Your only mistake was texting him the next day. You maybe should have given himself solace to think about the ramifications.
Back right off and laugh it off as one of those things. If he dancys you he’ll be back. But you really need to get on with life until it happens.

@Ubiquery it happened 2 weeks ago. I went back to his after work on the Friday at his request. Planned to go home Saturday but he asked me to stay - I had the day off Monday and went home Monday evening. Text to say had a good time, got a vague response much later. Said good morning on the Tuesday, was ignored until evening. Then on the Wednesday he told me he's just found out he has an interview (for this coming Friday) and needs to prepare - cites stress/interview prep will not have time to see me or chat much.
He did text me Friday and Saturday just gone, apologising for not talking much. Heard nothing else until I messaged yesterday to wish him luck. He replied and just said he was stressed, that was basically it.
I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm just going with what my gut tells me.
When I saw him last week at work he seemed a bit nervous around me. I see him again at work tomorrow

I don’t think you should put yourself through any more pain trying to find some sort of explanation from him. This story is as old as the hills. Hold your head up high and carry on. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to put it behind you and chalk it down to experience. Do you have a friend outside of your work situation you could talk to? Sometimes having a good old rant with a mate and a bottle of wine can be therapeutic, OP.

This will all pass. Don’t beat yourself up over it. 💐

There's nothing to say. He doesn't owe me anything. But he's 50 and should know better

Very true - but then, as you said yourself, "I'm 39, yes I should know better"

Forget retrieving messages, since if he's got any sense he'll have saved the one where you asked him out. The bit about him teasing out what you meant was quite clever in its way too, doubtless meant to give him cover against any suggestion you were coerced

At the end of the day you're two single people who had a presumably enjoyable time. You wanted more and he obviously didn't, which is a pity, but there's nothing to be ashamed about here and certainly no reason to adopt the MN go-to of "approach HR"

Just hold your head up, play it cool, stay professional and try to forget it

@CagneyNYPD1

Oh and play it cool. Stone cold cool.

This….I would just act normal…as if nothing had happened, don’t let it get to you, there’s nothing wrong with you. You have both recently split up with partners, you were vulnerable and I guess he took advantage, you fancy him and got to sleep with him. I’m guessing he regrets it due to work and the whole situation (both of you getting over break ups). Just go to work and act the same as you did before you slept with him.

I would tend to agree with everyone who says carry on and do nothing, behave normally, etc. if he were just a work colleague. But he isn't. He's her manager.

I don't know how the company works, obviously, but this is someone with supervisory capacity over the OP and potentially someone who can influence her employee appraisals, career development and any future work-related issues. She could be passed over for a promotion which she deserves because of him and what happened, alternatively she could receive a promotion which she deserves on her own merit but is then left to wonder if it was received because of what happened (or, at worst, if a colleague found out and started gossiping about the OP around the workplace about it). Equally awful would be if he has done this before with a subordinate colleague who was emotionally vulnerable and came to him for support.

I have a great deal of sympathy for the OP. I am genuinely sorry for the predicament you are in and I really hope it has an outcome that is less grim that it seems at present. But I don't think you should rule out needing to involve HR if it comes to it.

If nothing more is ever said or done, that's OK. But just take care of yourself and do be prepared to make enquiries of HR if you find you are being treated differently to your colleagues.

Please don't beat yourself up OP. He is the one who overstepped professional boundaries for the most part.

Best wishes to you. x

Sorry I did not see the update as the thread isn't loading properly and keeps saying error. It looks like my prediction came true then that he is trying to pretend it wasn't on purpose. Most likely because he is scared you'll report him. It's weird that you so strongly claimed it would be pathetic to report him. Seems like you are seeing yourself negatively in this situation generally. As I pointed out (long post), he could be abusing his position. Might not be illegal but it is immoral so why not report. You said you have texted, ask him for direct answers and then cut him off. Don't let him fob you off.
Did you stay for 4 days though? (or 3?) Men will do this for sex but it makes sense that you thought it meant otherwise. So he just needed to reply like an adult. He can be demoted if he can't manage that imo. Who knows what else he is going to act like a 10 year old over.

[quote whatdoidonow11]@Ubiquery it happened 2 weeks ago. I went back to his after work on the Friday at his request. Planned to go home Saturday but he asked me to stay - I had the day off Monday and went home Monday evening. Text to say had a good time, got a vague response much later. Said good morning on the Tuesday, was ignored until evening. Then on the Wednesday he told me he's just found out he has an interview (for this coming Friday) and needs to prepare - cites stress/interview prep will not have time to see me or chat much.
He did text me Friday and Saturday just gone, apologising for not talking much. Heard nothing else until I messaged yesterday to wish him luck. He replied and just said he was stressed, that was basically it.
I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm just going with what my gut tells me.
When I saw him last week at work he seemed a bit nervous around me. I see him again at work tomorrow [/quote]
This sounds like he knows he overstepped professional boundaries and is making plans to leave. Maybe that would be for the best?

I think you're right in just keeping messages to a good-natured, friendly minimum. See what happens over the next few days.

There might be more to the reasons for him needing to prep for interviews and associated stress after 20 years in his role than you know about at the moment.

Take care of yourself sweetie, and don't beat yourself up too badly (I know that's easier typed than done). x

So he's texted you Wed, Friday and Saturday? Am I reading your update correctly?

I bet you he's said nothing via text or message that would make it look like he's encouraged this. That's deliberate. He wants to be able to deny it, make you look like a stalker if this ever comes out.

He's not a nice person, OP. He's not a good manager, either.

If he messages you, just ignore him. Anything that's not strictly essential for work: ignore. Block him on whatsapp etc. Just act like it never happened. If he tries to talk to you about it, just say, look, you caught me at a low moment, I wouldn't have slept with you if I'd been in a better frame of mind, let's just keep our relationship strictly professional from now on.

I know you're not feeling it, but fake it til you make it. Just act like you're over it, and you're the one ghosting him.

So he text you last Monday (when you were at his house), Tuesday, spoke to you Wednesday, text you Friday and Saturday and then yesterday?

I don't think he's ghosted you. I think he's in his 50s.

You haven't been used. You made the first move asking him out, you flirted, you had sex. It was consensual. That is clear from you thn pursuing him further; saying you wanted this very casual fling to "go somewhere".

He very obviously does not want any further relationship and you have to accept that and stop pursuing him.

He's doing his best to recover a professional distance at work and so should you.

If you pester and pursue an unwilling work colleague then sooner or later you'll find yourself out of a job.

And I don't know why people are saying he's not very nice. He hosted her at his house Friday 'til Monday. He's either laid back or incredibly passive.

You haven’t been ghosted if he’s replied thrice this week.

Ghosting means no contact at all. Usually involving blocking/deleting contacts and seemingly disappearing off the face of the earth. Not being slightly less chatty.

Oh been there, done that, left the t-shirt on the floor at his. I'm afraid as long as it was consensual, I wouldn't say it's a HR matter - just something you need to move beyond. Do not let this impact your finances by moving jobs - the embarrassment and feelings will subside. Good luck, OP!