Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

Look I will be nice. I think I got mixed up with someone at work years ago and it didn't end well.

Never get involved with anyone from work, don't shit on your own doorstep as they say. I've even known people who've met at work and have become very laissez-faire referring to their partners/thinking they're great when they get engaged etc (not everyone wants to see your engagement ring or glow in your bloom of love!). I've just seen you are 39 - bloody hell of course you should know better!

Unfortunately I think trying to get another job (unless he does first) is your best option and in the meantime, grey rock him, don't let him affect you at all because he hasn't really done anything wrong, it's not like sexual harassment, from what I can see anyway, you mutually had sex though you expected more. I can see you're in a tricky space mentally due to your marriage breakdown so maybe get some therapy if you can for that. Take care.

@AudHvamm why would HE make her life difficult?

He has dumped her.

He is ghosting her.

what could he possibly gain by making more of it other than a fling that is over?

I'm very scared that he will make things difficult. As someone said previously, how can he manage me if we are not on speaking terms? I'm shitting myself really.

The only person who can make it difficult is you. Act like the sex never happened.

Just out of curiosity. What would HR do?

I’ve never work in an office type environment. I worked in the music industry. We never really had a Hr department. But could you really say. I wanted to sleep with my manager. He said no to start with. But eventually he agreed and now he’s ghosted me?!?

I just can’t imagine any outcome for that?

Ah how gutting, OP. Sounds like he used you for a few days to offload his sexual/emotional needs, and now he’s feeling awkward & wants things to go back to normal.

Do. Not. Message. Him.

Either he won’t reply (most likely scenario) or he will respond with something unfulfilling & frustrating like ‘had a lovely time but need some space now’ and you’ll be back to square 1. Either way you’ll wish you hadn’t messaged him & after a few unanswered messages it will make you look desperate.

Just hold your head up & carry on as normal. Be icily polite & only contact him about work matters.

However.

I’d just stop contacting him. I’d act like it didn’t bother me one bit. I’d probably act a bit smug actually. As in I got what I wanted! And do the same to him. Ghost him.

Men love women who exude confidence. So do that. Fake it till you make it

OP he didn’t really do anything wrong.
You asked him out.
He said it’d have to be professional only.
He then changed his mind and had sex with you.
But he didn’t lead you on, didn’t take advantage of you.. you don’t have a right to expect more from him. I’m sorry if that’s tough but it’s true.
Lots of people have sex with people with a degree of intimacy but don’t expect a relationship from it.
Try your best to forget it happened: at most be polite and professional but you also don’t have a “right” (as it were) to know why he didn’t have an interest in proceeding any further

I would be strictly professional and never speak to him about anything except work again.

If he is ghosting you then it would suit him if you left. I wouldn't even think of leaving. He can't make life difficult for you without landing himself in it.

@WomanWithDiamondEarring

Do not embarrass yourself by going to HR.

What are you going to say?

Something along the lines of, 'I'm 39, I slept with my boss. I chased him. He didn't have a long heart to heart with me before he ghosted me. I'm a victim.'

You are not a victim. You're approaching middle age, hold down a good job, had sex with a willing partner but it didn't go anywhere.

Maybe you gave him an inkling of what is now coming across as a bit 'bunny boilerish' and that's why he thought it might be easier to ghost you. Maybe he had visions of you grabbing his jacket and roaring!

I'm sure you wouldn't have done that but all this talk of backing up his text messages with the associated hint of a threat that comes with that is making you look deranged.

He liked you enough for a nice few days but didn't want to continue and, frankly, I'm getting the impression that dumping you wasn't an option as fare as you were concerned. But it was and it is.

Make some friends, stop turning an extended shag into a woman scorned.

And stop shagging until you understand what a fling is.

So much for being gentle. Why bother to reply if you can't provide support.

He DID have heart to hearts with her. Told her she was beautiful and asked about her personal life, it sounds like he was communicating with OP quite a bit before he got his rocks off.

Absolutely get those messages back OP in case he tries anything sh*try now.

Sorry not rtft

You're applying for a new job, right?

Job market is hot. Put your energy and thoughts into getting a better job.

You confided in him when you were vulnerable, he should be scared too.

My advice would be to do nothing. Carry on as normal. He has more to lose.

You are on speaking terms @whatdoidonow11. It's just that the conversation is completely limited to work. You were not in a relationship. It's not like you two fell out and now he's giving you the silent treatment. It's that he isn't responding to any more personal messages. So it's best for you not to send any.

Get a bottle of Lambrini and call (don't message) a friend. It will be so much more beneficial than catastrophising over a "lost weekend" with your boss.

Don’t go to HR. That would be super-awkward all round. He’s a twat though for ghosting you and not being honest with you. The best way to deal with it is pretend it’s not a big deal and move on. Hint to your colleagues that you’ve started seeing someone outside work. Hopefully he’ll get the message that you don’t give a shit.

@whatdoidonow11

I'm very scared that he will make things difficult. As someone said previously, how can he manage me if we are not on speaking terms? I'm shitting myself really.

That is HIS issue.

If he doesn't manage you properly then take that issue to the next level.

But at the moment he is ignoring you in a personal sense, not with work.

If you feel he is not performing as a manager then you can raise that with the appropriate person at work.

Honestly, this is really a huge over reaction on your part.

You feel hurt but putting it in perspective it's just another work-affair that has gone belly up with some embarrassment and hard feelings.
I know he is your manager but equally you are a mature woman of 39 not some 19 year old.

You went into this with your eyes open, so it ought to be no surprise that it wasn't deemed to be love forever and there could be a fall out.

Learn a lesson, move on and stop dwelling on it.

Make plans- see friends, join clubs, get hobbies, go to the gym- whatever turns you on, to get out of the house and start living a bit so you meet people and aren't so lonely.

@Nocutenamesleft

However.

I’d just stop contacting him. I’d act like it didn’t bother me one bit. I’d probably act a bit smug actually. As in I got what I wanted! And do the same to him. Ghost him.

Men love women who exude confidence. So do that. Fake it till you make it

Same! I know it’s petty but I would do the whole get my hair/nails/lashes done & pretend to be texting some other bloke (or better still, actually text another bloke)

I'd say that agreeing to go for a drink with one of your direct reports who has had time off for their mental health / marriage breakdown earlier in the year and whom you've had lengthy conversations where they've confided in you about their problems is taking advantage (sorry shocking grammar in that sentence).

Obv op isn't a starry-eyed teen just entering the world of work but a lot of organisations have strict rules in place about relationships with managers etc for this very reason. As a manager, the onus is on him to say no/deflect/ when invited for a drink, or at least explain why it's not appropriate.

As op has said herself, how can he manage her effectively when he won't even speak to her?

@whatdoidonow11 have you considered
that he is ghosting your because he's in a relationship? Would make sense I think?

I would not go to HR- despite what they say it WILL be a mark on your record as much as his, just hope his interview Goes well and he leaves.

It's a bit much to say he's 50 and should know better if you're 39.....although I fully agree he had treated you badly, you're not a victim here. Everything was consensual and doesn't sound like he was using his more senior position to pressurise you at all.

It hurts and it's embarrassing but just learn from it, forgive yourself and move on

I wish I knew what I could do to feel less lonely. I just feel so down and alone, with an added layer of confusion and hurt. I don't keep in touch with family and I have few friends

This is the real issue, OP. You thought this man would be a shortcut to happiness, where you could avoid dealing with the emotional fallout of your marriage and just jumping into a relationship with someone else. And it's too much of a burden to place on anyone, let alone someone who also manages you. He hasn't necessarily used you. You both slept together with no promise of there being a relationship at the end - you were aware of this - and he is allowed to change his mind.

Tbh I would get a little freaked out by someone messaging me after the first time we've slept together saying they wanted it to go somewhere. You hardly know him outside work! It would make me feel responsible for your happiness and I couldn't be dealing with that type of neediness. And he has probably realised that if he does reject you or say anything negative, you are not in the head space to accept it and could make life very difficult - because you are not emotionally healthy right now.

He can't save you, and you need to not take it so personally - you are just not ready to date/make good decisions atm. So do like he has done, forget this happened, go back to being on friendly work terms with him. If he isn't doing his work properly as a manager then you can complain to HR, but the fact in your personal life he isn't interested in a relationship is not really an HR matter. Definitely don't play games with him! It's your work so stay professional, suck up your pride, focus on yourself and filling your life with other activities - don't fall into the trap of getting drunk and lonely and turning to men for validation. It never ends well.

Hold your head up high and remind yourself he doesn’t deserve you and you can do better.

And with that on your mind, play it icy cold with him. Be aloof but professional and don’t quit a good job because of a man !!

You did nothing wrong but you are not a victim either.
Move on.

@Sunnysideup999

Report him to HR. He’s in a position of power and influence and he has behaved disgracefully

Bit harsh, she instigated it all. Why try and ruin his job. You sound like a bitter person

@Ciaobaby92

I object to that!

I have posted, twice before on this thread trying to offer a common sense approach.

The OP ignores almost everyone unless they agree she is a victim so I adopted a more forthright tone. However, she will ignore this too.

She wants to go to HR, she wants to make herself look ridiculous so that is what she must do. Anyone who tells her to move on is not telling her what she wants to hear.

I think I have been supportive in telling her to stop feeling like a victim, stay away from casual shagging if it will cause this much angst and stay away from HR.

She will have a lot more trouble if she goes to HR or chases this guy for an explanation but that is what she wants to do and so that is what she must do. If she thinks it will make her less miserable than she is now, she is totally wrong.

I hope other posters stop encouraging her in this folly.

I do not want to go to HR! How sad and pathetic would that be!!

Just ghost him back. You are better than this, you need not beg for a man's attention. It's done and dusted he got his end away and now he's done, it happens.

Don't give up your job, and don't go to HR. You are both adults and all this happened outside of work on private WhatsApps.

Continue to go to work, hold your head up high and just move on. Just be professional and polite in work like you would be to any other colleague.

This will pass.

And never sleep with a colleague again, lesson learnt there.

'Maybe you gave him an inkling of what is now coming across as a bit 'bunny boilerish' and that's why he thought it might be easier to ghost you. Maybe he had visions of you grabbing his jacket and roaring!'

Oh heaven forbid any woman should show a bit of interest in someone she knows well, has been messaging for months and has spent the last few days shagging. That makes you a bunny boiler, does it? Can we not expect better treatment than this from men? Jesus.