Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

Just read your update he hasn't ghosted you. He just sounds busy with something else 🤷🏻‍♀️

And him being distant in work is pretty normal for two colleagues who are seeing eachother, some people like to draw a line I'm colleague/manager in work and outside of work I'm not. Nothing wrong with that, to be fair HR prefer that 🤣

So he didn't ghost you at all then.
Maybe just been less chattier than usual but he hasn't ghosted you. Maybe he really is stressed or maybe he's realised he overstepped the boundaries and isn't able to give you what you want in terms of things progressing

Sounds like he has a big presentation and he needs to prepare for it.

Just wondering how you are OP?

For a 39 year old, you seem to be really overthinking this and wondering if you should be leaving jobs over something that just happened.

Can't you see how this plays out? Lots of relationships start at work, also lots fail.

I guess you have to work out if you can cope being there if nothing else happens.

I bet you he's said nothing via text or message that would make it look like he's encouraged this. That's deliberate. He wants to be able to deny it, make you look like a stalker if this ever comes out

That's why I said his "teasing out" of what she meant by asking him out was quite clever in its way. Clearly she was up for the flirting that followed, so now he's got firm proof it was all consensual, and if OP makes waves he can easily claim she's stalking him

Which is why it may well be best to regard it as a lesson learned rather than something to make a fuss about

@whatdoidonow11

I wish I knew what I could do to feel less lonely. I just feel so down and alone, with an added layer of confusion and hurt. I don't keep in touch with family and I have few friends

None of that is anything to do with this man. Those are your problems, and the person who can change your life is you.

Find an interest/ join a hobby group/volunteer; do something to meet people.

I think it's a little early to say he's ghosted you, no morning back text after sex seems a little harsh, I think it only shows you are not compatible.

You should go with your gut op.
I'm afraid you offered youself up on a plate and he accepted the offer.

I wouldn't let it affect me at work though, if anything he is the one with most to lose being in a possition of authority.
Head down, it will blow over, lesson leaned.

@whatdoidonow11 why do you say you're "not on speaking terms"? That's a very dramatic way of saying that you're not messaging out of work.

You ARE on speaking terms at work, and you should continue to interact with him as colleagues would do normally.

I get that you're upset, but you're turning this into a crisis. It isn't. You might no longer have a friendship, but you continue to be work colleagues, and you should behave entirely normally within your professional role. There is absolutely no reason for you to be incapable of that.

Yes, it's uncomfortable, but you're being over-dramatic by saying that you're not on speaking terms. You have a job to do that you're paid for. You just get on with it and speak to him normally, but only professionally and in office hours.

Yeah he’s not ghosted you at all...

I think you need to step back a bit though. You’re not in the right place mentally/emotionally to have done this and you need to pull back now and let this go.

(Meant kindly!)

OP. Sorry you are going through this.

Firstly, I feel like your manager is not a man to be trusted. He clearly took advantage of the fact that you were obviously emotionally raw, pretended to be caring and sympathetic and then became cold and distance the moment he got sex from you. It seems the sex was all he was after, the rest was just an act.

Secondly, under no circumstance should you go to HR about this. HR are not yor friend. They are there to protect the company, not you. If they sense a problem, particularly with a new hire, there gut instinct will be to try and get rid of you as quickly as possible, regardless of their personal opinions on the situation.

Third, do get those messages backed up and keep them somewhere safe, just in case. Don't look at them for now.

Fourth, from now on you need to maintain a strictly professional relationship with this manager. Do not talk about anything other than work-related topics. Do not joke with him, do not smile at him (except maybe politely). Freeze him out as much as possible. If he comments about it, pretend you don't know what he is talking about and get back on topic. This is for the benefit of healing, as well as strengthing your position within the company, which is currently weak due to a lack of seniority and the fact that you slept with your boss.

Finally, start applying elsewhere. You do not want to stay with this company any longer than strictly necessary. It sucks that you have to leave a job you like, but the situation is unsustainable in the long run. Besides, people do not leave bad jobs, they leave bad bosses and your boss is definitely not a good one.

Also, do not blame yourself. We all have our vulnerable periods and it sucks when someone takes advantage while pretending to care.

I'm very scared that he will make things difficult. As someone said previously, how can he manage me if we are not on speaking terms? I'm shitting myself really

But you are on speaking terms, @whatdoidonow11 allbeit not as chatty as you'd like, And he has text you, so certainly isn't ghosting you. Try to get some perspective; it was only just over a week ago that you spend a weekend together and you've had contact since despite him warning you he had to focus on his interview prep.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if, as you said he could get into trouble for what happened, he's realised he's overstepped boundaries and has concerns, especially as you told him you want it to "go somewhere'". Sure, he should've been able to articulate all this but...

You sound very fragile and are placing a huge amount of importance on his actions, instead of being able to chill and go with the flow. Perhaps focus on developing your self esteem (mine used to be awful and know how you feel BTW) rather than hoping for love

Not sure why you messaged yesterday to wish him luck for an interview that is not until this Friday? If I was stressing out preparing for something like that and still had 3 full days to go I’d think you had jumped the gun and be saying to myself “it’s not luck I need right now, it’s space to focus on doing the best preparation I can.” Could have inadvertently hit the wrong note.

He also doesn’t know you well enough to lean on you for emotional support through this work thing and since he is your manager it makes sense that he’s not going to confide in you at this stage if he feels lacking in skill, experience or confidence.

If he was just saying he was generally stressed at work I might be sceptical, but it sounds like this could be quite a big deal for him and he may well genuinely not have the headspace to factor in nurturing a new relationship this week. You may find he’s a changed man once the interview is over. I’d say just lie low until then. He’s not going to completely forget your lovely weekend

Something similar happened to me some years ago. However I was about 25 at the time, and he was in his 40s. He pursued me for months before it happened, always trying to get me alone outside of work.

He was extremely charming, and I was very naive at the time and believed that he genuinely liked me. He was horrible afterwards and I continued working under him for a few years. I really regret that I didn't speak to HR about it at the time.

Personally, I think that men who behave like this deserve to called out, but in this case, if you initiated it, then I guess it's a bit different. Still, I wouldn't continue working under him, it's just not worth it.

Tbh in hindsight I think you missed a great opportunity to ask for a pay rise, maybe using performance related as the justification ;-)

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I bet you he's said nothing via text or message that would make it look like he's encouraged this. That's deliberate. He wants to be able to deny it, make you look like a stalker if this ever comes out

That's why I said his "teasing out" of what she meant by asking him out was quite clever in its way. Clearly she was up for the flirting that followed, so now he's got firm proof it was all consensual, and if OP makes waves he can easily claim she's stalking him

Which is why it may well be best to regard it as a lesson learned rather than something to make a fuss about

Looking at some of these posts perhaps he was right to be cautious. The OP has asked him out and you seem disappointed that she can't get him sacked. Fwiw I agree with an earlier poster , OP - why change jobs for less money. Just have a professional relationship until you know the lie of the land better. It may still work out. If not ; cross that bridge in 2022.

@MidnightMeltdown it doesn't sound similar at all.

You were a very young woman. I am guessing you weren't divorced so possibly niaive when it came to relationships

He was harassing you for months. Did he use his authority to persuade you to go out?

Yours was definitely an HR matter

This is the way I look at it . You were both willing adults . You had a lovely few days . He probably realises he has made a mistake because he is your manager and should have known better .

Just pretend it never happened . Go to work . Be professional . Don’t message him any more and move on . Even if he shows interest . IGNORE it. This is littered with potential problems .

The OP has asked him out and you seem disappointed that she can't get him sacked

I don't know if that was intended for me, Abhannmor (you quoted my post) or a more general comment?

Just to clarify though, far from being "disappointed" that she can't get him sacked, I'm of the view that there'd be no point even trying ... not least because, as OP's told it, she's every bit as responsible for what happened as he is

Just seen the update and so it turns out you were being dishonest by claiming he ghosted you, OP. That was naughty.

He has replied to messages and texted you back on personal message on 4-5 occasions last week/this week since your weekend together. He has been professional at work and is communicating with you. He has been considerate enough to let you know he has a big interview he is stressed about and so can't be as available for you (and you clearly need a LOT of attention right now). He is responding to messages. Seems the only thing he's done wrong is not agreeing to getting into a relationship with you this very minute! Which is sensible, as you should be, that given it's a work situation, extra thought needs to be put into whether this should be pursued or not.

I think you need to step back and look after yourself. This level of intensity and expectation after a shag you both consented to with no prior expectation discussed and agreed, is damaging to you. Maybe he did fancy you, maybe he felt lonely too and enjoyed your company like you did his, maybe he too wanted the validation and attention like you say you did, and maybe he's realised that none of that is enough to jeopardise both your careers over. Your entire self worth is tied up in this man wanting you. Whatever his reasons for not pursuing a relationship, you can control your own narrative by not contacting him outside work and going back to being professional.

Ah, so he didn't actually ghost you, did he. Why would you make out that he did?

Promotion.!! 😂

Just seen the update and so it turns out you were being dishonest by claiming he ghosted you, OP. That was naughty.

I think that’s a bit much @todaysdilemma !

I’m guessing, given the very involved supportive / flirty / friendly level of contact before, the sudden change of pace and vibe since they slept together probably does feel like ghosting – within the constraints of the professional relationship they have to maintain. He can’t just not speak to her completely, he’s her manager.

Text to say had a good time, got a vague response much later. Said good morning on the Tuesday, was ignored until evening. Then on the Wednesday he told me he's just found out he has an interview (for this coming Friday) and needs to prepare - cites stress/interview prep will not have time to see me or chat much.

He did text me Friday and Saturday just gone, apologising for not talking much. Heard nothing else until I messaged yesterday to wish him luck. He replied and just said he was stressed, that was basically it

The issue you have OP is that he's not ghosted you, but kept you are arms' length.

It's obvious he is 'letting you down gently' perhaps as he senses you have a bigger investment than he did in the weekend.

He has been polite but cool. And he's not replied to your texts either the way you'd like or in the timescale you'd want.

What you need to understand is your feelings are not (sadly) being reciprocated as you'd like.

He's done nothing wrong.

This has panned out like lots of dates/ short flings.

One party wants more and thinks/ hopes the other feels the same.

It's sad, but it's how these things work.

The only complication is he is your manager. You took a risk seeing him and spending the weekend with him. Yes, he gave the impression he was keen on you, but sex addles the brain at times.

Sadly, this is another case of someone just not that into someone else. It hurts like hell but it's short-lived.
You will get over it.

@TheRigatonini

Just seen the update and so it turns out you were being dishonest by claiming he ghosted you, OP. That was naughty.

I think that’s a bit much @todaysdilemma !

I’m guessing, given the very involved supportive / flirty / friendly level of contact before, the sudden change of pace and vibe since they slept together probably does feel like ghosting – within the constraints of the professional relationship they have to maintain. He can’t just not speak to her completely, he’s her manager.

Well, no, because he's made it clear to her he has an important interview to prepare for that he only found out about recently!

Also ghosting is never replying back - it isn't taking a bit longer to reply or not being as chatty. This behaviour may not be to OP's liking, but it is definitely not ghosting.

Are you telling me that you would be in the right head space to think about/have a stressful conversation about a work relationship when you're preparing for an important interview? Is it not incredibly lacking in empathy to expect that of someone who is still replying to you, and has made it clear he is feeling stressed out (as anyone would be before an interview!).

He also messaged her on Fri/Sat to apologise for not being chatty due to the interview - how on earth is that ghosting or keeping things to just work communication.

Op just keep it bright breezy and professional now, stop contacting him privately,

I am wondering if you basically stayed too long and were a bit full on which is why he pulled back. Staying for three full days is actually a lot. I’m surprised you agreed to do that.