Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager.

Some guys get off on collecting 'conquests.' That he ghosted you as soon as he shagged you doesn't reflect on you- he'd just got what he'd wanted/planned. Being a manager might make it easier for him to pull or have women trust him more so he gets more sex.

He might even enjoy being 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' with women, or just get off on being cruel. Don't let any contact from him flatter you and reel you back in.

@whatdoidonow11

I stupidly deleted the messages. But could potentially get them back by backing up my phone

If you can, then do. I don't want to add to your upset, but there are many ways as your manager he could make your work life difficult, or he could decide he doesn't want you around. Although officially he 'can't' do anything to you, anyone with experience of how these things work knows if a manager wants you gone, especially a long serving one, then you're as good as out of the door, unless you have evidence to support you. The messages will offer you protection.

Op I agree with a pp who said you need to focus on yourself for a bit and try to build your self esteem.

You sound like you're really hurting and in a bad place at the moment, you need people around you who lift you up, not treat you badly and make you feel like crap. He's behaved badly - he was in a position of trust as your manager, he knew you'd been vulnerable earlier this year after you confided in him, I imagine he was flattered by your attention and he took advantage. A good manager would have declined the offer of a drink, not taken you up on it and flirted with you.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way but you sound a lot younger than 39. Could you swear off men for a bit and focus on building new friendships outside of work? Wishing you all the best

I don't think eiter of you have acted in a disgraceful way- it's a bit messy, but nothing that doesn't happen in countlesss offices all over the country.
I don't think you were "taken advantage of"- you were a divorced woman, not a 16 year old - and you did ask him out.
You were both single, had a good time, he probably now realises that he doesn;t care enough about to to ruin his job over.

Hold you head high- you had a bit of a fling and it went no where.
No real damage was done, no one was cheated on, I think you are turning a little messy episode into something much bigger than really was.
Carry on as if nothing happened.
Two single people having a couple of shags is no big deal.

I think people using the word "vulnerable" on this thread are doing it a disservice. OP was down but this man did not abuse his position (e.g. promise her career advancement or threaten her with demotion). He didn't relentlessly pursue her or deceive her in any way. If the relationship had continued we might all be delighting in OP's good fortune of finding a nice man after a tricky divorce.

Yes he is her manager and his behaviour was unprofessional but equally OP must have known the risks of getting involved in this way.

Everyone feels bruised and upset after being dumped OP. Worse when it's someone you have to see because of work. Some self care, holding your head up high and moving on to the next nice thing in your life will help.

@Wondergirl100

Gosh OP don't contact him for an explanation - I think time to pull your 'big girl pants up' as they say on mumsnet. You fancied him, slept with him and behaved as adults are entitled to do! There is no need for any shame or regret. It's cringey yes that you have to see a man who has 'ghosted' you - but that's adult life.

Chin up, look him in the eye, act like you don't give a shit and you will soon begin to feel that way too.

This is good advice and the path likely to yield you the best results emotionally and professionally.

You havent done anything wrong, you are 2 adults who had sex and spent a few days together, you wanted it to develop into a relationship with him but he doesnt feel the same way and is ignoring you. He sounds oretty childish, maybe he feels guilty or doesnt quite know what to say. Dont text him anymore, dont quit your job over this, you need to try and accept it for what is was, a brief fling with a colleague. You were feeling low and lonely at the time, you will find someone who cares for you but its not him.

@Hont1986

Why do you need the text messages back? What will they 'prove', other than that a grown man slept with a grown woman at her instigation?

Put this behind you. It was rather naive of you to think this was going to be anything other than a fling, although he could have been nicer about ending it all.

It will demonstrate he has an ulterior motive should he decide he no longer wants the OP around. It happens all the time.

“You havent done anything wrong, you are 2 adults who had sex and spent a few days together, you wanted it to develop into a relationship with him but he doesnt feel the same way and is ignoring you. He sounds oretty childish, maybe he feels guilty or doesnt quite know what to say. Dont text him anymore, dont quit your job over this, you need to try and accept it for what is was, a brief fling with a colleague. You were feeling low and lonely at the time, you will find someone who cares for you but its not him.”

This.

I wish I knew what I could do to feel less lonely. I just feel so down and alone, with an added layer of confusion and hurt. I don't keep in touch with family and I have few friends

Channel all your energy into strengthening your friendships and re-establishing family relationships. They're a much better bet than most blokes out there.

If you can't change jobs (why should you?) or departments, just go to work and pretend it didn't happen. Its not a big deal, he's an arse who probably works his way through the female staff. You made a mistake, just forget it and move on. No one was harmed and you hadn't made a major investment in him.

Laughing at the HR suggestions.

Two adults had consensual sex. If something malicious happened then absolutely, but it didn’t. You can’t just go crying to HR when someone bins you off. Shit happens in life and you have to deal with it, not tell tales.

If it was me I’d act like I didn’t care, and start dating outside of work. You’ll soon forget him.

OP, I have been in this situation. I won't lie, it's not for the feint of heart and I recommend it to no one, ever. Keep your head up and don't chase him. Be strong. You will get through it best by just maintaining your dignity.

And it's absolutely not about you. Remember that.

OP please get on some dating apps instead of finding love at work. It's always so complicated.

You were feeling vulnerable and let your guard down - but in the worst possible place.

You've got to be more responsible with your heart, with your feelings. Don't just give them away to anyone who shows an interest, especially not in such a difficult set up as this.

Your feelings are precious and need to be taken care of. Lick your wounds, stay solid, don't crumble, the first few weeks of seeing him will be awful stomach churning shit but you will get used to it and move on. This is the sort of thing you should do when you're 24, not 39.

It's his loss at the end of the day but if he is the kind of man I think he is, if you want him you'll need to back off hard right now and let him think you're not interested. He's only interested in the chase from what I can see in his behaviour.

Also to a recently divorced person, receiving a text saying "I'd like this to go somewhere" could be an instant dick shrivel. (It would be for me, even though I don't have a dick). He's just come out of a relationship, probably the last thing he wants is another intense experience - yet.

You need to play hard to get. Stop texting him, stop fawning and stop hoping for more than is on offer.

In the end, you asked him out, you got the ball rolling, you knew where this would lead... and yet he'd tried to lay down the lines in the first place and say only professionally but you just ignored that. You played for him because you wanted to feel wanted.

That's fine - but not at work.

Don't ask men out. Wait to be asked IMHO. Let them chase.

To me it sounds like you're unconsiously deliberately self-sabotaging your chances of succeeding in a relationship, perhaps because you don't think you're worthy of healthy love.

Find yourself a mindset coach who can teach your about self-esteem, self-love and how to own your emotions and sit with the shit when you're feeling down, process those feelings and come out the other side without jeapordising your whole career and love life at the same time by choosing the wrong guy to end up in bed with.

@CheddarGorgeous

I think people using the word "vulnerable" on this thread are doing it a disservice. OP was down but this man did not abuse his position (e.g. promise her career advancement or threaten her with demotion). He didn't relentlessly pursue her or deceive her in any way. If the relationship had continued we might all be delighting in OP's good fortune of finding a nice man after a tricky divorce.

Yes he is her manager and his behaviour was unprofessional but equally OP must have known the risks of getting involved in this way.

Everyone feels bruised and upset after being dumped OP. Worse when it's someone you have to see because of work. Some self care, holding your head up high and moving on to the next nice thing in your life will help.

Its not that straightforward. When you take on responsibility for managing people you are expected to carry this out fairly and impartially and in the interests of the business. This is not possible when you are working towards, or having, sex with one of them. He may not have promised her anything career wise, but he seriously compromised his ability to manage her appropriately.. He has proved himself to be very cold. Not in his wanting a fling rather than relationship, but in the way he did it. He is neither a decent man or an ethical manager, and OPs work life lies largely in his hands. If she wasn't vulnerable before, she is more so now.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. You took his behaviour at face value, and behaved accordingly. I'm sorry your manager is a dick. If he just wanted a casual fuck, then he should have made that clear and not confused you with all the lovey-dovey stuff.

There is nothing wrong with you. At least he's shown you early on exactly what sort of person he is, and so it won't take long for your heart to recover.

Please please don't text him again, even though you feel angry and used, and want to. Do you really want to hear that he doesn't want you, in actual words? You'll feel just as shitty as you do now, but humiliated by his response on top. Don't do it!

That. Dignity is all. Shoulders back, chin up, go into work as if he'd never been anything other than your manager. Fake it 'til you make it. But for goodness' sake, don't contact him asking for an explanation.

In any awkward situation, texting is almost always a bad idea, because the person reading the text can read any emotion or intent into it that they want to. And in an awkward situation you can guarantee that they'll read it in whatever tone of voice makes them feel justified in their actions.

Also, if he’s just recently divorced he may well be feeling quite vulnerable, also. Maybe the cuddling etc was a comfort knowing what he has recently lost. And his ghosting was him realising he made a poor decision in the heat of the moment. OP also came on very strong to him, knowing he’s recently divorced, so none of this should be surprising.

It was a bad decision made by both parties. Leave it at that.

He’s the same arsehole
Than many of us encounter
The only
Problem is you need to see the bugger

I’d first of al get yourself esteem back
He wanted a fuck and not a relationship
You are not the first or the last
It’s Not you

Repeat , nothing wrong with you

Regarding him
Delete his number
Block him
And close it in your head

Keep conversations (if you have them ) factuall and grief

Let’s the bruises heal and move on

This happens to everyone xxxx

If you choose to contact him after his interview to talk about it you will inevitably say or write or text more things that make you cringe later. That is an awful feeling. Play it cool. Pretend you are perfectly fine with the way things played out. If he wants to have more of a relationship with you he will make that known. And it isn't you personally. He's a dickhead.

He is a jerk OP. As a manager, he certainly had a responsibility to maintain professional boundaries. He is in a position of leadership and should not be using the workplace as his own personal singles site. He took advantage of you when you were in a vulnerable state. I am sure, for a brief moment, he said and did all the right things to make you think it could turn into something more.

He is a predator and has likely done this before. You are well within your rights to be angry. You are a human being with thoughts and feelings, not a disposable sperm receptacle.

You should tell him to keep it strictly professional from now on but for the record, you are extremely disappointed in how he treated you. Then forget it and move on.

@5128gap I don't disagree with you in terms of his lack of professionalism nor his poor treatment of the OP after their weekend together. I said as much in my posts.

But for me the word "vulnerable" has implications for consent and based on the information I don't see any evidence that OP was taken advantage of. On the contrary, she would have been delighted to continue the relationship.

As other pp have said I would speak to HR in this case. I think any manager who transgresses boundaries and then behaves in an underhand way about it is not someone to be trusted and I would consider it a real possibility he could make your life difficult down the line (I don’t even necessarily mean anything dramatic, just little things, like how can he line manage you if you’re not speaking?!)

It’s a heads up from you to HR - btw this happened no further action on my part. Or else you’ll be in a he-said she-said situation down the line.

He’s behaved really badly imo. Yes these things happen between adults who are OLD for example, but he’s your manager! He’s supposed to be in a position of leadership and that means taking responsibility for your actions.

@AudHvamm

As other pp have said I would speak to HR in this case. I think any manager who transgresses boundaries and then behaves in an underhand way about it is not someone to be trusted and I would consider it a real possibility he could make your life difficult down the line (I don’t even necessarily mean anything dramatic, just little things, like how can he line manage you if you’re not speaking?!)

It’s a heads up from you to HR - btw this happened no further action on my part. Or else you’ll be in a he-said she-said situation down the line.

He’s behaved really badly imo. Yes these things happen between adults who are OLD for example, but he’s your manager! He’s supposed to be in a position of leadership and that means taking responsibility for your actions.

Nope not an HR issue.

Two consenting adults.

Out of work time.

He didn't take advantage of her offering promotion or special favours at work.

She is not a victim of some preying boss.

She says she fancied him from the start so it was 50-50.

It's turning into a strange world is women rush to HR the moment they have sex willingly with a man ( okay in a snr role) and ask for what exactly? That he's disciplined ?

It will make her look indictive, overly invested and frankly a bit mad. It will make her more uncomfortable and could end up in her leaving.

Staying cool and rising above his dickish behaviour is better.